Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

[carhill]

I'll say this. If my dick didn't work or my mind had no interest in (or functionality to) making it work, my W, in an otherwise healthy and loving M, would get the best cunnilingus on the planet For a woman, it's much easier. There's no erection to achieve. I can't imagine a woman who truly loves her husband not wanting to be as close to him as possible, even if her libido was completely gone.

 

I went outside my marriage to get my intimacy (not sex) needs met and that was wrong. IMO, that (going outside the M for marital needs and desires) is not a healthy solution.

 

Take the hit, get the D and move on.

Edited February 26, 2010 by carhill

[troggleputty]

Troggleputty is saying that I should force the issue.

 

Not really. You simply need to decide under what circumstances you are willing to remain married to your spouse. There is absolutely nothing which requires you to have a satisfactory sex life to stay married. But if you want to try to have a satisfactory sex life, you have to insist that your wife be willing to participate in the sex act with you. Or else there will be consequences, i.e., you will divorce her.

 

If you are not willing to impose consequences unless your spouse modifies her dysfunctional behavior, she will not modify it. (She may not modify it anyway.) This is not about your wife's inner feelings or any of that other nonsense. This is about your wife's unacceptable behavior.

 

It doesn't matter what your wife's various excuses for denying you sex, and making you feel guilty for even asking, might be. What you are seeking to do is get her to change her behavior.

 

Now, you can't hit her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, as you would a puppy who soils the carpet. But at a very basic level that's how your wife has to be regarded. She is someone who is not socialized to recognize one of her basic obligations as the wife of a sexually active man. Which is to provide him with sex.

 

When you cave in to her psychological manipulation of you, and her guilt tripping of you, you are greatly reinforcing her negative behavior (i.e. the denial to you of sex).

 

I would guess that your entire marital relationship has been more or less dysfunctional on some level or another, probably multiple levels, for the entire time you have known this woman. You don't see it because you are co-dependent. You are the same psychologically as the spouse of an alcoholic who goes to the liquor store and gets more booze for the drunken spouse.

 

In overt (i.e. caving in to her manipulation) and I am quite sure in many subtle ways, you have been reinforcing her dysfunctional behavior for the entire relationship.

 

So you must change your behavior. Stop being a doormat.

 

It's binary giotto. There's no other way. But in your case your wife has manipulated you into now thinking that you don't even have the right to ask her to have sex with you (much less insist upon it).

 

 

 

 

Of course she is physically able to have sex with me.

 

Well this is not always a given. Some women have issues concerning painful intercourse, etc., which actually need to be addressed. But not in your wife's case I guess. Which leads to the inevitable conclusion, which you don't want to face, that her denial is a deliberate series of choices on her part.

 

Giotto, spouses who truly love their partner have sex with them, even if they are not always "in the mood." Or they make SURE if they turn down the sex, that their partner has no doubt about the love that is there.

 

Your wife does not love you. That is why she does not want to have sex with you. I am sorry but that is the only explanation for her conduct.

 

 

But this is not ok with me. I did threaten to leave last year and we also separated for a bit. We compromised and sex was "resurrected"... but it's only lasted a few months, until my last "outburst", a few days ago.

 

You see? You started on the path to productive behavior modification, but you didn't follow through. You hit the puppy on the nose once or twice but then stopped, and it went back to soiling the carpet.

 

And this also proves that your W is PERFECTLY capable and able to have sex with you....when she WANTS to. Apparently the threat of you leaving her made her want to have sex with you.

 

You have never clearly asserted the terms of your relationship to your wife. You have to sit down and tell her what those terms are: "We will have sex on a regular basis." Whether she cries, guilts you, or whatever. And if she still refuses then you must leave her.

 

 

She got so depressed about it that I felt guilty and agreed to no sex for a while. Is she manipulating me? I don’t know.

 

Yes of course you "know" she is manipulating her. What you should have done when she started with that manipulation was to look her straight in the eye, and say: "OK now you're trying to manipulate me. Every time you do that from now on, you will have to suck my co*ck and let me shoot it all over your face. We are now going into the bedroom and you will perform as instructed. And you will enjoy it or at least pretend to enjoy it. If you are unwilling to do that, please leave the house with a suitcase immediately and you will stay at a motel until you comply with my instructions."

 

You are trying to modify her dysfunctional behavior, which is to deny you sex whenever there is conflict, to condition her behavioral response to provide you with sex whenever the two of you have conflict.

 

In "normal" relationships there is something called "make up sex." I.e. the couple can have a serious fight, but then have passionate sex which helps to repair the breach in the relationship. You have to condition your wife so that she associates sex with you as the way to resolve your emotional conflicts with each other.

 

 

 

 

 

I only know that I would never have sex with her if she didn’t like it (she even said that she did it for me a few times). I want the connection. I want to be desired, I want my wife to want it. Anything else is pity sex for me.

 

You must treat your wife like a "black box." I.e. stop trying to figure out what is going on inside her head. That's for a therapist to deal with and will take many years.

 

Your wife is so dysfunctional with regards to sex is that she does not know HOW to enjoy sex (at least not with you). It's like anything else. She needs more practice. A lot more practice. You are the only one available to "educate" her even if you didn't think you signed on for that particular job.

 

Basically in so many words you may have to literally drag her by the hair into the bedroom and stick it into her. Over and over and over. Until she comes to accept, and expect it, as a "normal" part of your relationship.

 

By the way she will enjoy it if you have any knowledge of female anatomy. You can tell she's enjoying it if her skin flushes, if her nipples harden, if her clit hardens, etc. etc. etc.

 

Did you know that women can sometimes orgasm even if they are being raped? The physiological response is the easy part. You just have to rub the naughty bits the right way.

[ladydesigner]

Did you know that women can sometimes orgasm even if they are being raped? The physiological response is the easy part. You just have to rub the naughty bits the right way.

 

Wow Troggleputty but this just made me want to go and have sex with my H. Am I sick or what?

[silverfish]

But isn't a sexless partner under "external pressure" also? One reasonable standard would be based on your partner's expectations of your reaction to and involvement in the problems you describe them as having. Most loving spouses wouldn't be indifferent to a partner's angst over work stress, depression, family strife or other issues. Again. lots of reasons why sex doesn't happen. But, in my mind, no good reasons behind a disregard for the impact and a willingness to try and figure it out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True. There should be a willingness to figure it out. If there isn't any willingness, the only options are to put up with it or divorce. I just think it's a shame that someone would be prepared to throw away a marriage over something that could be so easily resolved.

[JamesM]

We were two people having an argument, although she would say very little. After a row, she would be very withdrawn and sex was once more out of the window.

 

Because of the above, she claims she is finding very difficult to have sex with me, in case she says no (for whatever reason) and I get confrontational. Despite this huge problem, she's never done anything to fix it. Last time she said she would go to IC but never did. This time she has promised again... one week past, nothing...

 

So, sex is withheld due to fights? Does she hold grudges? Am I guessing correctly to say that she expects you to direct the household and her life?

 

Perhaps she would not mind if you set up an IC appointment for her?

 

Another issue is her mental state. She claims to be suffering from anxiety and recurrent thoughts. Apparently her meds have stopped working... she said she would go to the doctor and have them changed, but she would also have a break from them... we’ll see.

 

Has she had counseling before? You may have said somewhere.

 

Mental issues can very much be at the root of this. Mental "disease" can definitely cloud her judgment and feelings of love for you. It is hard to explain to someone who has not gone into that valley of darkness, but you become so engrossed in your own problems and see no solutions, that anything else...even if it means the end of your marriage/family...is too overwhelming to even think about let alone solve.

 

This is not about loving you but about losing herself.

 

She needs help. And perhaps if you get her there, then she may become a different person.

 

As I have stated before, whenever we are in a situation that we want to leave, then it is always best to do everything before leaving for at least our own satisfaction.

 

 

Troggleputty is saying that I should force the issue. Of course she is physically able to have sex with me. But this is not ok with me.

 

Giving ultimatums and forcing issues will always get someone to comply to some degree. However, this is never a long term solution. You will certainly get some change if only out of fear of losing you.

 

But then, this isn't love, is it? What you want is an expression of love.

 

I did threaten to leave last year and we also separated for a bit. We compromised and sex was "resurrected"... but it's only lasted a few months, until my last "outburst", a few days ago.

 

To be expected. And if you force the issue again and "smack the puppy's nose," then you will get just that...the obedient puppy. However, we are dealing with a person here who obviously has issues. My wife has more physical issues and little mental issues, but it is the same thing. Forcing sex is akin to rape. Even if she physically gets aroused, she will learn to resent you and hate you because you are essentially taking her against her will.

 

Sex cannot be forced if the outcome desired is an expression of love. Then we need to get at the root of the problem....is it because there is no love? Is it because there is an aversion to sex? is it because there are relationship problems that never get resolved? Or is it simply that there are so many mental issues that the partner cannot see beyond her own seemingly miserable world?

 

Is she manipulating me? I don’t know. I only know that I would never have sex with her if she didn’t like it (she even said that she did it for me a few times). I want the connection. I want to be desired, I want my wife to want it. Anything else is pity sex for me.

 

Perhaps she is manipulating you to leave her alone sexually. BTW, wives and husbands do thing for each other even if they themselves do not want it. Having sex with your partner when personally it is not a priority can be done as an expression of love. It may not mean that you are desired sexually at that time, but it certainly can mean that your partner loves you.

 

" Sex became a chore to me and I'm not really sure why. I was pressured and threatened (my H threatening to leave if I did not have sex). This just exacerbated the situation. Now ever time I had sex I felt like I was being molested.”

 

Forcing sex is not the answer. It will be akin to rape. It will seem as if she is being molested. And if your wife has any sexual abuse (which may be a possibility even if you don't know about it), then you will be doing more damage by issuing ultimatums to her well being, then if you simply left.

 

Think of her, too. Sex is necessary in a marriage. I think you know how I stand. However, I also believe that we need to think of our partner and her feelings at the same time. Forcing an issue or demanding sex will get results, but will they be the results we want?

 

Don't ever pursue a route that gives her the impression that this is about only your sexual needs. Instead be certain that it clearly comes off as... "This is about our marriage and about how I can feel that you love me. This is how I need to be shown your love. Just as you need me to show my love by (fill in the blank), so I need to feel that affirmation as your husband by feeling that you desire and want me. Without that, I truly do not know that you love me."

 

I have – sadly – come to the conclusion that she doesn’t really love me. If she really loved me, she would have sex with me and she wouldn’t be “scared” of me.

 

I disagree. That would be saying that someone who is caught up in a mental depression no longer loves his or her spouse. This is not true. Give that person some counseling and an antidepressant, and he or she has a whole new outlook on life.

 

Don't write your wife off as not loving you. From all that I know and from what you have said, I think there are mental issues that cloud her thinking and feelings. Yet due to her nature and how she deals with problems, she cannot confront her problems and solve them. As difficult as it may be, she may need your help to get above herself.

 

The question becomes....can you or do you want to direct her to the help she needs? Perhaps simply getting her to a good counselor and on the right antidepressant will change her attitude.

 

While we wallow in our own problems, we have no energy to solve the more important problems.

 

 

I’m sure she cares deeply about me, but not enough to see what she is doing to me. Or she knows very well, but she is so busy thinking about her issues that she has lost sight of mine.

 

And I think she has no energy to deal with any problems but her own. I think she is wallowing in her own mire of misery and sees no light at the end of the tunnel. She sees no solution to her own recurring thoughts and anxiety. And as someone who has dealt with those very things, they are terrifying and tiring. How do you tell someone that you keep obsessing about a knife and how it can hurt someone? How do you tell someone that just seeing a knife causes me a sick feeling to my stomach as I imagine how it might cut me? Those obsessive thoughts cannot be driven from the mind despite every effort.

 

Anxiety is not a simple problem. For those who live with it, it can take over their life.

 

If she really loved me she would try and save our marriage, by going to IC and try and resolve her issues.

 

Here is the thing...she needs to go to IC for herself not for you. That is what she sees it as. She is supposed to go to IC so that you can have more sex. What you want to convey is that you want her to go because it will make her a happier and healthier person.

 

 

Look at this from a different angle. Choose to get her mentally healthy for her. Perhaps in your mind you also have a desire that it gets her to show her love for you more, but also as her husband, you would love to see her healthier and happier.

 

Try and I am guessing it is not the first time, to get her to see how this is hurting her and not just her marriage. Try to get her to take baby steps. Simply getting her to a counselor...even if you have to call one for her. Reiterate to her that it is for her. And no, this is not about more sex because you know that even if she is mentally healthy, that will be a separate issue. But you also have this desire out of love for her, to see her feel better about herself and her life.

 

Forcing her or issuing her an ultimatum will get your needs satisfied. Changing her (which she must do on her own, but your encouragement can make the difference) and getting her healthy may get you both happy and satisfied.

[JamesM]

Interesting that you can't tell what my gender is. Let's keep it that way for the time being. My gender should make absolutely no difference.

 

Actually, I have a pretty good idea of who you are.

[threebyfate]

Are sex and your sex life so important to you to the extent that you would be prepared to sacrifice your family and your children for them?

This is an assumptive question. Divorce doesn't mean that the children can't be emotionally healthy and happy, with their parents apart, as long as the parents don't use the children as the battleground and focus sufficient time and energies into them.

 

And no, I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

True. There should be a willingness to figure it out. If there isn't any willingness, the only options are to put up with it or divorce. I just think it's a shame that someone would be prepared to throw away a marriage over something that could be so easily resolved.

 

I think you are absolutely correct...

 

There needs to be a willingness, on both sides, to work on it. In my opinion that means first and foremost eliminating (or at least greatly reducing) pressure from the partner who is desiring sex but not getting it. Which is absolutely backwards of the response that would naturally occur.

 

Sexual desire naturally increases and decreases based on so many factors. I'm probably too optimistic, but I would be willing to bet that THE MAJORITY of couples who have lost intimacy can regain it. But the other side of the coin is that I would be basing that statement on the rest of the relationship remaining the same as it was when sex was occurring regularly and enjoyed by both partners.

 

My guess would be that when sex dries up completely there are other influences that may or may not be obvious.

 

In the case where it is just too many other distractions, responsibilities, duties, etc, then there needs to be some priority. When these other things begin to overtake sex, closeness, and intimacy, the marriage is headed for disaster... it comes down to priority really.

[Spark1111]

Giotto....yes, she needs IC to figure it all out, but why not schedule MC also?

 

The premise that she needs to fix herself (and she might) to be sexual with you is somewhat.....daunting and certainly not empowering to either her or you in the long run.

 

You may definitely get more sex, but will you get her to desire you physically? And isn't that what you, and all men really want? Not just the sex act with someone you love, and often initiated by you, but to have love, desire and initiate sex with you?

 

For that to be achievable when it has been lost, suggests to me that both IC and MC may be necessary.

 

Often, when women disconnect physically, they have disconnected emotionally first, either shutting down due to their own emotions or emotional exhaustion (raising children) repressed anger, or even your anger. The only other exception being illness and medication.

 

It is all about trust, emotional and THEN physical for women. Which is why IC is a good place to start, but MC is still necessary for the marital relationship to recover, IMHO.

 

And gentleman, I believe a woman CAN love you but not always sexually desire you; the emotional disconnect is something she feels about herself or the relationship....not necessarily YOU.

[carhill]

And gentleman, I believe a woman CAN love you but not always sexually desire you; the emotional disconnect is something she feels about herself or the relationship....not necessarily YOU.

 

I agree, and have had many such friendships where I was loved but not desired; is it reasonable or healthy to expect that dynamic in a marriage? I say no. Otherwise, just be friends, co-parent and move on. I surely will never again live my life based on how someone else *feels* at the time. They own their feelings and are responsible for them, as am I. Own it.

[troggleputty]

Forcing sex is akin to rape. Even if she physically gets aroused, she will learn to resent you and hate you because you are essentially taking her against her will.

 

No, she will love you because you are re-energizing her sexuality. Her primal female self, the biological part, wants to be "taken". It is the overlay of her intellectualized neuroses that interferes with that natural instinct.

 

"Nice guys" don't understand this. That's one of the things that make them "nice." (In the perjorative sense.)

 

Giotto stopped being a "nice guy" for a while when he separated from his wife for a while. It was only then, when he stopped being so "nice," that his wife had sex with him. For a while anyway.

 

What Giotto should do, when he feels like having sex, is to very firmly tell his wife to get herself in the bedroom. Flat out tell her: "Now we are going to have sex." If she complains or whines, he should say: "The more you complain and whine about it, the more turned on I get and the harder I want to do you. The more you resist me the more horny I get for you. Now take off your clothes."

 

Now of course if Giotto's technique in bed absolutely is lacking, that's another issue, entirely. I'm assuming that once he gets her in bed he knows what to do there. If he's just a fumbling clod then he needs to brush up on his technique.

[Mr. Lucky]

And gentleman, I believe a woman CAN love you but not always sexually desire you; the emotional disconnect is something she feels about herself or the relationship....not necessarily YOU.

Spark1111, do you also believe that a man can love a woman but be emotionally distant and closed to her in the sense of any non-sexual intimacy? Because I can't help but wonder, after subtracting physical and emotional intimacy, what portion of "love" is left? Obligation? Shared history? Neither seem a compelling base on which one would want to go forward in a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[plrs199]

No, she will love you because you are re-energizing her sexuality. Her primal female self, the biological part, wants to be "taken". It is the overlay of her intellectualized neuroses that interferes with that natural instinct.

 

"Nice guys" don't understand this. That's one of the things that make them "nice." (In the perjorative sense.)

 

Giotto stopped being a "nice guy" for a while when he separated from his wife for a while. It was only then, when he stopped being so "nice," that his wife had sex with him. For a while anyway.

 

What Giotto should do, when he feels like having sex, is to very firmly tell his wife to get herself in the bedroom. Flat out tell her: "Now we are going to have sex." If she complains or whines, he should say: "The more you complain and whine about it, the more turned on I get and the harder I want to do you. The more you resist me the more horny I get for you. Now take off your clothes."

 

Now of course if Giotto's technique in bed absolutely is lacking, that's another issue, entirely. I'm assuming that once he gets her in bed he knows what to do there. If he's just a fumbling clod then he needs to brush up on his technique.

 

 

I cannot believe people haven't jumped on you for this before now. You are telling men to rape their wives if they are in a sexless marriage! Absolutely disgusting.

Sex should not be viewed as a commodity that men just get to take from women; it should be viewed as an experience that 2 people share.

If you don't like that you're not getting any sex, talk to your significant other and see what's wrong. If it's something you two can work on, great, work on it. If not then separate. Do Not Force Your Wife To Have Sex With You. If anyone ever did that to me I would fight every step of the way and leave them as soon as I was able and press rape charges.

 

Also the idea that women choose to not have sex with their husbands and if they are physically able to have sex then they are obligated to do so is such a bunch of sh**. If a woman is not aroused (which usually means emotionally as well as physically) it hurts to have a penis going in and out of you. So if a woman doesn't "feel" like sex she shouldn't be obligated to lay back and take it.

 

I have had sex before where I didn't really want to (tired, had to wake up early) but my guy made sure that I was fully aroused before sex. He did not just stick fingers or his cock in there and let the body make lubricant as a safety mechanism. He would not have continued to push to have sex if I couldn't get aroused enough.

[JamesM]

I did threaten to leave last year and we also separated for a bit. We compromised and sex was "resurrected"... but it's only lasted a few months, until my last "outburst", a few days ago.

 

The question is...how good was the sex? And by that I mean, how well did she enjoy it? Was it a reaction to the possibility of losing you? Or did she suddenly develop a new interest in sex? Was she doing it to please you or as an expression of love?

 

Since you gave an ultimatum, did you feel that you "reenergized" her sexuality? Or do you feel that you struck a fear inside of her?

 

What Giotto should do, when he feels like having sex, is to very firmly tell his wife to get herself in the bedroom. Flat out tell her: "Now we are going to have sex." If she complains or whines, he should say: "The more you complain and whine about it, the more turned on I get and the harder I want to do you. The more you resist me the more horny I get for you. Now take off your clothes."

 

I must be missing something, but when you force someone to have sex, then isn't that rape?

http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/wiferape.shtml

 

If he's just a fumbling clod then he needs to brush up on his technique.

 

Catch 22. If he is a clod and that is why she no longer likes sex, then is she going to start having sex with him so he can practice? Highly doubtful. So how should he practice?

 

Sorry. Maybe it is because I am a nice guy, but telling your wife "We are going to have sex no matter what you say" does not sound like the answer to anyone's problems. And if a woman experienced rape or abuse in her past, then I doubt that this will be anything but a reminder of that abuse.

 

Giotto, your wife needs help. Perhaps if you seek a counselor for yourself, then he or she may give you answers on how to proceed.

[JamesM]

I cannot believe people haven't jumped on you for this before now. You are telling men to rape their wives if they are in a sexless marriage! Absolutely disgusting.

Sex should not be viewed as a commodity that men just get to take from women; it should be viewed as an experience that 2 people share.

If you don't like that you're not getting any sex, talk to your significant other and see what's wrong. If it's something you two can work on, great, work on it. If not then separate. Do Not Force Your Wife To Have Sex With You. If anyone ever did that to me I would fight every step of the way and leave them as soon as I was able and press rape charges.

 

Also the idea that women choose to not have sex with their husbands and if they are physically able to have sex then they are obligated to do so is such a bunch of sh**. If a woman is not aroused (which usually means emotionally as well as physically) it hurts to have a penis going in and out of you. So if a woman doesn't "feel" like sex she shouldn't be obligated to lay back and take it.

 

I have had sex before where I didn't really want to (tired, had to wake up early) but my guy made sure that I was fully aroused before sex. He did not just stick fingers or his cock in there and let the body make lubricant as a safety mechanism. He would not have continued to push to have sex if I couldn't get aroused enough.

 

 

Well said. I am surprised others have not shut down such a post(er) quicker either.

[threebyfate]

Anyone who believes that ordering women to the bedroom, has never been married before or for that matter, had any serious relationships.

[SarahRose]

The question is not the mechanics of actually having sex, or improving the sexual experience. That's relatively easy actually. The question is why a spouse thinks they are entitled to seriously hurt their spouse, and the marital relationship, by denying something as important as sex.

 

Usually it's because the denying spouse simply doesn't love and/or respect their denied spouse. There's really no other explanation for it.

 

 

 

Interesting that you can't tell what my gender is. Let's keep it that way for the time being. My gender should make absolutely no difference.

 

At some point, I may say exactly this to my husband.

 

I'm glad you are keeping your gender a secret. People will immediately apply their various gender biases as soon as they find out.

[silverfish]

 

Catch 22. If he is a clod and that is why she no longer likes sex, then is she going to start having sex with him so he can practice? Highly doubtful. So how should he practice?

 

Sorry. Maybe it is because I am a nice guy, but telling your wife "We are going to have sex no matter what you say" does not sound like the answer to anyone's problems. And if a woman experienced rape or abuse in her past, then I doubt that this will be anything but a reminder of that abuse.

 

Giotto, your wife needs help. Perhaps if you seek a counselor for yourself, then he or she may give you answers on how to proceed.

 

Regarding the bolded part : a good MC would be able to get to the root of the problem if that was the case. If the man has problems with his technique it is unlikely his W would tell him after so many years. Not saying that's the problem, but if it was, it's nigh on impossible for the W to mention it, although if she hadn't done so up to that point she'd have to be an idiot.

[SarahRose]

Interesting update.

 

I did get some loving from my husband this morning.

 

Afterwards he told me that he hadn't done anything for the past 2 weeks at all. No hand party, nothing.

 

Since he moved the computer to the bedroom, I figured he hadn't been able to watch porn and whack off like he usually does.

 

Why do you think he told me that?

 

I am guessing that apparently he isn't comfortable with going without any sexual activity that long either.

 

Apparently he wasn't all that upset at my grown kids were here either as he just got up and closed our bedroom door.

[silverfish]

At some point, I may say exactly this to my husband.

 

I'm glad you are keeping your gender a secret. People will immediately apply their various gender biases as soon as they find out.

 

Er...I'd say pretty obviously male, as you already pointed out the vastly differing advice from this poster in your thread and this thread. Don't you also find it a bit unlikely that a woman (or most men for that matter) would advise a man to force himself on his W?

[silverfish]

Interesting update.

 

I did get some loving from my husband this morning.

 

Afterwards he told me that he hadn't done anything for the past 2 weeks at all. No hand party, nothing.

 

Since he moved the computer to the bedroom, I figured he hadn't been able to watch porn and whack off like he usually does.

 

Why do you think he told me that?

 

I am guessing that apparently he isn't comfortable with going without any sexual activity that long either.

 

Apparently he wasn't all that upset at my grown kids were here either as he just got up and closed our bedroom door.

 

How did it make you feel to hear that? I guess he told you as a concession to your concerns...what did you say?

[sally4sara]

If everything else was working in my marriage but the sex well had dried up, I would stay.

But I'd have the biggest toy drawer ever.

[tinktronik]

The question is...how good was the sex? And by that I mean, how well did she enjoy it? Was it a reaction to the possibility of losing you? Or did she suddenly develop a new interest in sex? Was she doing it to please you or as an expression of love?

 

James,you have hit it on the head. This is a fantastic question. After 8 years with my s/o in a basically sexless relationship [2x per year] I finally had heard how I was pressuring him for sex and that if I really needed sex I should get it elsewhere, so I went and got it elsewhere. Since I told my s/o about it and that I've had it and am leaving this year, he is suddenly "attentive" and "interested". I understand this to be fear from him that I really am going and just am done. Nothing runs long on fear and I sincerely just want something mutual and fun and a little sweet sexually, nothing necessarily extravagant. But all this push and pull for sex has just become too much.

 

Since you gave an ultimatum, did you feel that you "reenergized" her sexuality? Or do you feel that you struck a fear inside of her?

 

OP I would consider this question well. What is it that you actually desire sexually from your wife?

[tinktronik]

and if yes, why? Obviously, this stems from my situation. I need food for thought, because, at the moment, I don't really know what to do.

 

 

OP no one actually knows the answer to this question until they are in the situation and in it for a good long time.

[giotto]

before I go to bed - thanking you again for the very interesting and provocative comments and before I reply tomorrow - I would like to point out that I'm a very good lover... a bit of male pride here...

 

Wife is on "third shift", as you call it in the States - and on third shift tomorrow night and night after tomorrow- so no fear of sex for me... again!

Edited February 26, 2010 by giotto