Parents' wishes conflicting with what I want for my life?

[Els]

What would you do, if your very loving and doting parents want you to do something with your life that you don't want to do? If you would crush them by going it your way - would you still do it?

 

I realize that as an adult, I'm completely responsible for my own life, and thus I should do what I think best for my own happiness. But... I'm terrified of the thought of doing so, breaking my parents' hearts... and then realizing that what I wanted to do wasn't all that good after all. Maybe I'd suck as a software designer; maybe the job would suck. Maybe that boyfriend that they're so against just because he's not a Christian would break up with me. Then would I have broken their hearts for nothing?

 

What if my mum's cancer comes back, and she's unhappy because of me? How could I deal with that sort of guilt?

 

But if they truly do love me, shouldn't they realize that I need to be able to make my own decisions, and shouldn't do something just because it's what they want?

[hats]

It's definitely a tough situation... My advice would be to keep your mind open for a creative solution. You can do this by first trying hard to understand their interests from their point of view. What are the real reasons why whatever they want for you is so important to them. Sometimes what they say they want is really just one of many ways of addressing the underlying needs of their position. It may be possible to give them what they want in a way they hadn't thought of before, without having to compromise your own interests.

 

You can do the same for your interests. Take a close look at why you want what you want, and ask yourself if there really isn't any other way to get what you need without hurting your parents.

 

I don't know your specific situation so it's hard for me to say if this is applicable in your case. If not, well no one can really tell you what to do. Just go with your heart!

[Crusoe]

Be true to yourself and go chase your dreams. Do it when young, when you have no real commitment or responsibilty in your life. Fall flat on your face a few times, pick yourself up and go do it all again. Live, learn, love, experience, find out who you are and what you want.

 

Some people let life happen to them, others grab it round the throat, scream in it face and shape it into what they want it to be.

 

Your parents are not there to make you feel guilty. Their happiness is not your responsibilty.

 

On my 18th birthday my father opened the front door and told me to go, "you're a man now and there's the world, go get it". Probably the best gift I ever received.

 

If your parents aren't willing to give you that freedom then go take it for yourself.

Edited February 26, 2010 by Crusoe

[Golfilla]

What would you do, if your very loving and doting parents want you to do something with your life that you don't want to do? If you would crush them by going it your way - would you still do it?

 

Yep, and I wouldn't have a second thought about it. Later this year I plan to move across the country, and my mother doesn't want me to go -- do you think I'm going to stick around and let my dream go to waste? No chance!

 

I realize that as an adult, I'm completely responsible for my own life, and thus I should do what I think best for my own happiness. But... I'm terrified of the thought of doing so, breaking my parents' hearts... and then realizing that what I wanted to do wasn't all that good after all. Maybe I'd suck as a software designer; maybe the job would suck. Maybe that boyfriend that they're so against just because he's not a Christian would break up with me. Then would I have broken their hearts for nothing?

 

No, it wouldn't have been for 'nothing' it would have been to find out for yourself. Just imagine if you went along with your parents wishes and took the boring job or married the boring guy, then later realised your chance at happiness had passed you by? How would you feel then? How would you react toward your parents in that situation? And please, do some medical research. Your mother's cancer isn't going to 'come back' just because you made your own decision.

 

What if my mum's cancer comes back, and she's unhappy because of me? How could I deal with that sort of guilt?

 

But if they truly do love me, shouldn't they realize that I need to be able to make my own decisions, and shouldn't do something just because it's what they want?

 

Yes they should, and indeed if they do truly love you, they'll forgive you if you make your own decisions (even if it isn't what they want for you). Isn't it better to find that out now rather than wait and never know?

[Els]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm just afraid that I'll hurt them when I didn't have to - but you guys are right, even if what I wanted was a mistake, I would have lived and learnt. I'm also afraid I'll end up without anyone, I guess, because I don't have any siblings and parents are the only people who will definitely stay in your life.

 

No, it wouldn't have been for 'nothing' it would have been to find out for yourself. Just imagine if you went along with your parents wishes and took the boring job or married the boring guy, then later realised your chance at happiness had passed you by? How would you feel then? How would you react toward your parents in that situation? And please, do some medical research. Your mother's cancer isn't going to 'come back' just because you made your own decision.

 

I said if it came back AND she was unhappy with me, it would be one more huge blow to her. I didn't say it would come back just because she was unhappy with me. I spent 4 years in a medical-related field.

[LynnM28]

Oh hon...it sounds like you truly love your parents, and they love you...your parents will see "pitfalls" that you may miss, but that does not mean you should run your life as an adult by their wishes or desires! I respect very much your desire to not hurt them, but I hope if you all respect each other you can communicate to them in a loving way how you are feeling and they will respond with equal love...perhaps writing them a very respectful and loving letter explaining how you feel? Also, a great book you could read is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend...helped me immensely with my mother in law! :-)