I've fallen for one of my best friends...

[In trouble]

First of all, I'm pretty inexperienced with love and relationships. I just had never met the right guy. I used to believe that either love didn't exist, or I wasn't going to find it. When I went out with a guy, they were always more interested in it than I was. It just wasn't fair, because at the same time my friends were going out with guys left and right. I just wasn't attracted to anyone.

 

Well, that changed. About two years ago, this guy started coming to our church. We became friends, and would confide in each other. We hung around quite a bit, because at the same time, my best friend was in a relationship, and was preoccupied. Anyway, for about a year, we were friends. Then suddenly, it hit me. I really liked this guy. Here I was looking for love all over, and it was staring me right in the face. It was exciting, but it also terrified me for some reason. I didn't know what to do. I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, because I'm overweight, and I was totally afraid of rejection. I already cared about him as a friend, and didn't want to blow it and lose that, too. So even though it killed me, I kept quiet. Which was dumb, because he met someone. They dated for about a month, and she became involved in our circle of friends. But because I got to know her a little, and it was hard for me to hate her. It was so hard to see them together, but somehow I managed. When she broke up with him after about a month, he came to me... and my heart broke. I tried to console him, and after he recovered a bit, I thought, it's now or never. They aren't together anymore, so this is your chance. I HAD to know. So I spilled the beans. He was very surprised, but not in a bad way. He seemed interested in seeing where this would go, and I was elated. All was well with the world.

 

Then, the bottom fell out. She came back, and she wanted him back. Now, I have to let you know, this girl is very pretty. She has the perfect body, perfect everything. He struggled with his decision about what to do, and he told her about me. She never attempted to talk to me, so I went to her. I wanted it out in the open. I didn't want to compete for him, but I had to let her know. When we talked, she said that she wasn't that interested in him, and I could "have" him. She said she could tell that my feelings were deeper than hers were, and she was going to back off. Well, it didn't happen. She stuck with him, and he made the decision to go back to her. So here I was, had lost one of my best friends, plus I was humiliated. Not a good feeling. Well, it lasted for 2 weeks. She broke it off again and went back to her ex. So he came to me, and like a sucker I consoled him again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. I just miss having him as a friend, and I want that back, with the possibility of more.

 

What should I do? If he tries to start something, should I go for it, or be cautious? I don't want to miss out if this is really the one for me, but I don't want to be hurt again.

[Taressa]

You poor thing. I know how your heart breaks now and how torn you are between being strong for yourself yet having such a weakness for him.

 

I understand you and want you to know there is love for you. First, however, face the sad fact that what you are sharing with your friend is not love. Love does not leave you for another, love does not compromise your pride or lower your self-esteem.

 

I've so much to say to you. I also grew up in church. I also grew up overweight. When I lost the weight, I was lost in the attention from men. Everything felt like love to me so I gave my heart to some wrong men.

 

What I've learned that may help you:

 

1. Wanting not to be alone is not a good reason to compromise.

 

2. A man can be involved with you on intimate levels in friendship or sex and not love you.

 

3. Men worth having do not want women who don't demand respectful treatment.

 

4. Men won't pursue love with a woman who sits adoringly

 

at their feet.

 

I read a book recently that has helped me quite a bit. It's called Boundaries for Dating. I can't remember the authors' names but I purchased it at a Christian bookstore. It's a smart book that may help you make some smart choices that will lead to better friendships and a better chance at love.

 

Stop putting your heart at risk with your friend. If he loved you he would think of you as more than a breakup comfort and fill-in girlfriend. You may need to back away from him until you're strong enough to set and hold some rules in the friendship.

 

Think about checking out that book. It gave me some practical help.

 

Be strong. There is something better ahead for you.

[Randy]

You didn't make it real clear as to what the status was between you and this guy as of right now. But the fact that he chose to go back to this girl rather than stick with you makes a statement.

 

It's rough when you catch someone on the rebound. They are very vulnerable. You caught this guy at a weak point and he fell for you but he obviously still had some interest in this other girl.

 

You need to have a really good talk with him at this point. As I have posted here before today (look down the lists of posts about six at the post from Michael), this sort of thing happens all the time. You need to discuss your feelings and his. Get everything out in the open between the two of you. Be very honest with yourself. It's not a buddy you want here so don't make it that.

 

Be kind to yourself and cover your bases. You honestly don't need anymore hurt in your life and you don't need him as a buddy when your heart will sink to your feet when he introduces another chick to you.

 

If he doesn't seem to want to get back on a permanent basis and commit to seeing in through for a while, don't be discouraged. I think this was a major step for you and it showed you are capable of loving, that you are willing to take risks, and that's what this love stuff is all about.

 

Give yourself a pat on the back and go have a drink on the house!