Cold Feet?

[esesnie]

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is getting cold feet-so I think. Last July I had him take a couple weeks to figure out if he wanted to marry me or not (all along he says I'm the one and we are building a future together). He came back and said he was 99.9% sure but only .1 % anxious about actually putting a ring on my finger. I told him in the next 2-3 mths I wanted to get engaged. We basically live together but a couple days a week if that. This past fall we looked at rings and set a date for a wedding for this summer. He put the deposit down and from there put deposits on 3 other vendors and I bought my dress (since the date was rapidly approaching we had to get things in order). All along and looking back I probably led things because he said girls know more about that kind of stuff.

 

Before X-mas he gets the ring and freaks out. Flags started going up once he saw it and I told him to take a couple weeks to himself. I think this is the first time things really hit him and he started thinking about marriage. (Noone knows about the wedding but a few people as it wasn't going to be announced until it was official). It's been a week and I spoke to him yesterday and lost it. I have no idea where things stand with us but it was my idea to have no contact so he could think things over clearly. He said it's probably just cold feet and he loves me. He worries about maybe not wanting kids in 2-4 years like I do (he is 29, myself 33) as he doesn't think of them now. He may want them then but if not he doesn't want to resent me at that time. His gut is killing him and he's lost 5 pounds..he says he has a ring and can't pop the question. He says it's not me and loves me and he wants to make sure he can be the man I deserve. He mentioned getting on a career path as well since the job he has now he hates. Yesterday when I called him and told him I couldn't do this he pleaded to have until this weekend to sort out his qualms. I told him why not just tell me you are not ready for marriage but he begged me to give him until this weekend. He is thinking logical he said as in July he only thought with his heart and came running back because he missed me and his heart felt a huge void. I asked if he could picture me not in his life and he said as of yesterday he hasn't even thought about life without me. I asked why he "went along " with everything and he said because he loves me. I'm trying to prepare myself that he will say he isn't ready but loves me. Where does this leave me? My thoughts are if you love someone and can't imagine your life without them you make it work. We have never had any problems in our relationship at all.

 

So here I sit, in the dark with him holding all the cards which is totally unfair. He says he wants to throw up knowing what he is doing to me. Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to get married this summer or not and he said if he had that answer he would tell me. I'm thinking he's not ready just like everyone else..what else can you think. His family is telling him he's crazy and it's the next step and he needs to grow up. Ultimately, even tho' he loves me it's a decision only he can make. I just don't think you can figure this out in 2 weeks (since this is all just hitting him)but we have to meet with the priest soon and the wedding is 6 mths away! All I can do is cancel everything but I love this man deeply. Can there be a happy ending? I'm worried if everything is cancelled resentment and lack of trust will set in.

[Errol]

Talk to the priest - together. Discuss this problem with him.

 

Lots of people develop blocks of ice on their lower appendages because they think there is going to be some dramatic change and they fear they will lose the things they enjoy doing now. Reassure him that being a husband does not mean he can't still have friends, hang out with them, sit naked and watch football, etc.!

 

It's a big step - but thats all it is--a step. You two have a long walk ahead of you - whichever path you choose. Marriage is not a dead-end!

 

"...two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled and that has made all the difference..." to mangle a popular poem.

 

Also, stop focusing on the possible negatives in the future! You can't predict it and neither can he.

[esesnie]

Thanks for the advice. I've told him so many times I support him in whatever career he wants, exploring his music heavily (he wants to join a band again and have his day job)etc. His friends all say how great I am because I let him do whatever he wants! We are both very independant and like our time alone (we go out on Fridays together and with our friends on Saturdays). Do I meet the priest even tho' we are not engaged? It's getting down to the wire and I feel like he is going to make a rash decision whatever it is.

 

Also, until I drilled into his head he needed to consider not only the logic and why his gut is killing him but what life would be without me. Yesterday he said he hadn't even thought about that. Waiting until this weekend is killing me because I have no insite at all and his head is spinning which has made him extremely frustrated. I told him on more than one occassion I would give him this time so he could do some serious thinking so probably should. However, half of me is so upfront I want to tell him he can't figure anything out under pressure in 2 weeks so lets go talk to a priest! How do I get through the next 4 days? If feels awful knowing you gave a man everything, there is nothing wrong with the relationship or us but he can't propose even tho' he has a ring in his hand.

[Errol]

If he says he is not ready to marry you yet, will you wait -- maybe a few more years and continue the relationship the way it is? Or will you break up so that you have time to get over him and find someone new?

 

You two are at an impasse and are good candidates for some couples counseling -- you don't have to be engaged or married for that.

[moimeme]

If feels awful knowing you gave a man everything, there is nothing wrong with the relationship or us

 

With all due respect, that's your perspective. I hope you aren't projecting all your hopes and dreams onto him without letting him have his say about how he feels. The best thing you can do right now is let him think about this and work it out for himself. You spoonfeeding him ideas will only make him balk more.

[esesnie]

I've waited and waited that is why July I told him to take the time away for a couple weeks (which he couldn't stop calling because he had to hear my voice etc). He obviously didn't think about it seriously..he only realized how badly he missed me. From day one my concern was he being 4 years younger and I would want kids and to get married if things went well. He said he he was in love age doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah. Here we are at the last hour, date set and 6 mths from when we are to get married. I have a dress, hall, flowers, photographer... I cannot continue the way things are as I will be 33 in a couple months. I want to get married and have a family and can't wait around and believe what he says anymore. Last July I told him in 2-3 mths we have to be engaged..6 mths later we are in this situation. That is why I'm in such a bad situation and have only one choice but to have him move everything out and move on. By the time I get over him and trust what men are saying to me (this guy is the sweetest, most sincere man you could meet) I'll be lucky to have kids!

[esesnie]

I know all I can do is wait, which is hard to do. We didn't talk for a week and then I called him Monday and sent him 2 short e:mails the last 2 days. I have to stop and now whatever happens is out of my control and nothing I say will change how he is feeling. Do you really think he can figure things out by Sunday? Realistically I just don't think it's enough time. He has already stated " I know I can't ask for more time" which I didn't reply. I want to see what he comes back with knowing he could lose everything.

[Samson]

Can there be a happy ending? I'm worried if everything is cancelled resentment and lack of trust will set in.

 

Resentment and lack of trust may set in if you get married my dear, and it is more likely than not to happen, IMHO based on your post.

 

The guy's not ready......sorry but you'd better face this now.

[esesnie]

So I didn't last until Sunday. This past Thursday I received a call from my boyfriends sister and said it didn't look good that he didn't want to think about marriage or anything that went along with it (i.e kids which he doesn't want now). I felt totally betrayed and that I didn't know this person at all. He told his sister he always envisioned a future with me, loved me and thought when it got down to proposing it would just click. She told he should really think hard because he could be losing the love of his life..he then was silent and said "****". So-I called right then and told him he wasn't ready and he said he feels he should be more "excited" about getting married and instead feels sick and has qualms he needs to examine. He moved things out this weekend and has one more trip to make. He took the camera to get the pictures off of it which made me realize this is it. I was so sad.

 

My problem with all this is I feel he isn't going to fight for our relationship. Granted all I needed to hear was he wasn't ready and wasn't sure if he'd be ready for kids in 3-4 years and I asked when he could get his things. Everyone says he's running scared. He has no answers and is taking the time to figure out these qualms. He knows he can't ask for more time as he's wasted so much of my time already he said. I asked if there was any hope and he said he didn't know and didn't want to give me false hope since he had no answers. I beleive all I can do is move on and possibly within 2, 4, 6 mths he'll realize life without me. Right now, he has no answers and is frustrated. I'd love a guys perspective on this. Part of me feels even if he realizes he misses me etc. down the road, he will not try to contact me because he'll feel he had those strong feelings toward marriage so he must not be ready and it wasn't right. He would keep going and feel I "deserved better". I'm trying to make myself realize there is no hope since he's such a procrastinator and will not do the work it takes to figure these qualms out. It's hard tho' to go on with no hope.

[Samson]

Sorry to break it to you but your timeline is really, really, REALLY, REALYY TO SHORT at six month max.

 

Six years is more like it.

 

By 2010 you'll have married a guy who really loves you and have a couple of kids. This guy will reappear. Tell him he can expect to receive a Christmas card with a picture of your family on vacation.

[captreestarfish]

esesnie

 

was just reading your post. am going through something similar now, except we've been living together for 10 years. He just left for his first separation and thinks he will figure things out by Monday. !!!?? He knows his indecision is killing me. He wanted to be able to call me but I told him no. I am not looking for a quick marriage but need to kow that we are on the same track together. I am trying to stay strong (in between crying) and think about what I need.

 

Are you OK? I also agree with the post that says he will be back and you will send him a Christmas card with your family... Unfortunately they usually do come back...just when you start to heal.

 

wishing you the best

 

starfish

[jmargel]

From a guy's point of view, and now this is my second engagement, there is always doubts. Always thinking is 'she' the right one, is there someone better suited for me? I was with my ex-fiancee for 2 years before proposing, and I had alot of doubts. Only because we argued so much, and felt like I had to keep her happy, it was my responsibility. In the end, it didnt work out. It was a bad breakup.

 

I just got engaged last week, known her for a year, but only with her for 5 months as a couple. I was less hestiant actually with her, then my ex.

 

Thing is, it's apparent he's 'thinking' way to much about this, and you putting a 'timeline' is only going to rush him into what he's done. Granted you want to know where things are, but how were things when you were together?

 

Like the one poster said he needs to realize its not a drastic change as he might be thinking. Try to talk to him about that. Communicate!

[captreestarfish]

hi and thankx for posting. This timeline "Monday" thing was his idea not mine. I have told him that I can be patient for as long as it takes AS LONG AS he lets me know that we are on the same "team". Within the last 6 months our relationship has shifted from co-dependent into a healthier partnership with the help of therapy. He is having major issues with this since he is used to co-dependency which also mimics the way he was raised.

 

Unfortunately, he associates love with pain. In therapy, many of his unresolved childhood traumas have surfaced and he is now spinning out of control while trying to deal with anything. Meanwhile I am dealing with the same issues plus a major career change PLUS his issues (because I'm a "fixer"). I want to wrap my arms around him and help but his way of dealing is to shut himself away (physically and mentally). I can respect that and have given him his "space" without calling him etc. He is very angry with the world and has a tremendous amount of resentment towards everyone mostly his own family and father (an alcoholic whom he hasn't talked to in 6 years and who walked out on the family). If you asked him, he would tell you that in addition to being lovers, we are best friends. I get so many mixed signals and am so tired. Sorry for the rant. It's just that I'm grieving and new to waking up alone and terrified to see him again.

 

I'm glad to hear your good news. This gives me hope for the future with or without....

[SoleMate]

Have you really talked about marriage and what it would be like? Forget the dress, caterer and all that excess baggage. They are not even worth 1% of your attention. What really matters is whether the two of you are ready, willing, and able to understand and fulfill each other's changing needs for the next umpteen years! Please check out great info at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It's aimed at married couples in trouble, but I think it would work even better for premarital soul searching. Also do some premarital questionnaires - best to visit a counselor and work through the PREPARE Inventory (Olson/Hawley), or even just find one on the net, like http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/couplequiz1/index.html. If you work through this, the decision will be easier for both of you. Right now I sense that you are working without enough information.

 

Good luck!