A sad dissolution (My Story)

[BearMox]

I piggybacked onto Sean's thread a while back "wife wants space after an affair" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=209535

 

What a hell its been the past two years. Looking for some advice and perspective from those more experience than I.

 

I was married nearly 10 years when STBXW filed. We were married in the church, were together a year total when we were wed. We had three children, 8, 6 and 4 now.

 

It all started...

 

...when I wanted to move after the wedding to another state. stbxw put her foot down and told me I could move on my own if I wanted to, but she was staying. This started a cycle of me being a passive H. Things progressed for the next 5 years with me being shutdown emotionally. I worked hard and provided positively for the family and wife. Good gifts, affection, weak on encouraging words and chores at times. However I think every woman knows when a man is genuinely emotionally available.

 

I had a friend (woman) that I was emailing back and forth with after the birth of the middle child who had a big crush on me that I didn't see. I wasn't hiding this relationship, but was oblivious to it developing. When she found out about it she crucified me as having a full EA. I asked for forgiveness and everything. She continually brought it up from then on.

 

After the third child I paid for a tummy tuck and she demanded I get a vasectomy. (She had a tipped uterus and insane hormone problems with birth control). I was happy to continue using condoms. I put my foot down for the first time and didn't give in. She witheld sex for six months and dragged me to counseling. Things started downhill from here progressively.

 

A couple years later I confessed a crush on one of her friends. She persisted to crucify me for it as well, despite my asking for forgiveness, confessing repeatedly in counseling, etc.

 

All our previous friends with few exceptions considered her to be demeaning and manipulative, yet she always persisted that I had selfishness and manipulation problems. She hates my successful and very strong family.

 

The next year she went to vegas and her and her friends partied down with strangers from the UK. I caught her in a full EA with one of them a few months later. I did a full exposure here and she seemed apologetic.

 

The following six months we went to a couples church conference, counseling. I began to grow suspicious as I caught her in lies. Her parents sternly questioned her during this time, and she fooled even her own mother. I later found out she had had a full PA before the couples conference. we had been intimate there as it was a homework assignment. ick. She didn't have the decency to say something.

 

Shortly after I exposed the EA she started demanding I move out because she wanted separation. This is when someone triggered in my head saying something wasn't right. After a battle and realizing she was ready to file divorce if I didn't move out I started to make plans to move out.

 

The day before I was going to start moving out, by act of providence, I unravelled the lies and found her out. I kicked her out that night. When she returned later that weekend we had "the talk". I gave her two ultimatums 1) quit your job or work days 2) find a mentor.

 

She filed for divorce the next day. I tried to even drop the ultimatums to see if she was willing to go to counseling, she wasnt.

 

My experience of the last 8 years with this woman was depressing yet I remained happy and considered myself mated for life through it all.

 

She continues to justify herself on how horrible a husband I was and that I'm screwing her. She has destroyed my great inlaw relationship and has tried hard with some friends. Her smear tactics only work on her family it seems. I'm slowly learning with my friends and family how bizarre her thought processes are. She is giving meaning to the term "crazy ex"

 

I moved out almost a month ago. She is still raging trying to get more money from me and more than 50% custody. I am completely released and done. My heart has been released from this woman.

 

Trying to sift through her unreasonableness, craziness, anger is dizzying and exhausting. I'm was weak to her persuasiveness for so very long.

 

Now its all over and my poor kids are having to do their best to cope.

 

I'm so burned out on women I can't look at anyone without seeing negativity. I know some guys do the rebound thing. Me, I don't want anyone near me. Will this change?

Edited February 25, 2010 by BearMox

[curiou]

We're all human and we all make mistakes. You will both go on living with or without each other.

 

You both contributed to the dissolution of this marriage.

 

You're in a sad state, but you will eventually recover. Time will lessen the pain, and active effort on your part will help you heal.

 

If there is anything you learned from this divorce about yourself that you can improve, try to do so. It is nearly impossible to reverse perceived damage you've done to yourself. I think it is best to learn from it and move forward and not hold any grudges. You will know you've healed enough when you no longer harbor strong emotions (negative or positive) towards your ex-wife, but more of an indifference.

 

As a short-term goal, trying to get six-pack abs or learn a new language (or both). Focused improvement will elevate your self-esteem.