wtf is she doing?

[aimchase]

Many will already have the drift of my current separation from the ex. We've been apart for eight months but have two kids so tend to have fairly frequent contact regarding them.

 

A few days ago we agreed to proceed with divorce, after I requested that she initiate it for the sake of saving costs (she'll get it free with legal aid, I wouldn't). From about two months onwards after our separation there's been an OM, although he's significantly younger than her and imo is not really a likely long term partner. She claims he's a friend, though she does trawl dating sites.

 

Anyway, today I had to go to the ex's house to give money for tuition fees for the kids. When I arrive, she's distant and off. Fine, that's no problem. YET, at the same time, she's made me a really nice dinner!

 

Feeling obliged, I sat down and ate it with her, but throughout she remained distant and difficult to talk to.

 

It doesn't make sense! I would happily have just given the money at the door and left, yet she caters for me as some kind of generous offering, then is distant whilst I sit there and eat it? It's like, 'hi, come in and settle for a bit, but I don't want you here and please leave as soon as possible'. Not wanting to be rude, I felt I should stay for at least half hour after eating so did. It was so darn awkward though!

 

I know you'll say I shouldn't have stopped, but i'm more just completely dumbfounded by the act of cooking for someone whom you seemingly don't want there!

[ann09]

Tell her that before you go next time. Call or email her and say that you appreciate the nice gesture but it's unnecessary.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

So how do you feel after that dinner? Queazy? Stomach problems?

 

Just kidding, I just couldn't resist thinking maybe she was trying to get rid of you.

 

It is very strange, I agree. Maybe she was trying to be nice and it seemed like a good idea at the time she starting making it then couldn't bring herself to be nice while you 'enjoyed' your meal? Maybe she hates eating alone?

[trippi1432]

I find it interesting, my divorce busting coach told me to do the same thing....make a nice dinner, invite him to eat but if he wants to talk about the marriage, defer any decisions.

 

Not that this is what is going on...just saying that it sounded very similar to my $250 advice they gave me back in July.

[aimchase]

I know she's extremely resentful of recent court events and apparently has spoken to her solicitor today (everything's being finalised but she's got majorly stressed by it all), therefore I think a bit of fallout was evident after she had already started the dinner.

 

Anyway, the D is 100% on. Fantastic - no more being paired with a f'kin lunatic.

[Enema]

I find it interesting, my divorce busting coach told me to do the same thing....make a nice dinner, invite him to eat but if he wants to talk about the marriage, defer any decisions.

 

Not that this is what is going on...just saying that it sounded very similar to my $250 advice they gave me back in July.

 

What's the point of this exercise supposed to be?

[trippi1432]

What's the point of this exercise supposed to be?

 

Honestly, I think it was a ploy for you pay another $250 to find out the next lesson.

 

It was about setting a normalcy...a pattern that your spouse was used to and not engaging in any talk about the marriage. No stress...it's about one spouse being sincere. It worked alright, he came back for about 5 weeks and left again. Guess I should have bought the other lessons....but I am much better off now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wouldnt have eaten jack ****. lol.

 

Please AIm, dont be reigned back in she's being nice because she's saving face. The D is happening treat it like so.

[aimchase]

I find it interesting, my divorce busting coach told me to do the same thing....make a nice dinner, invite him to eat but if he wants to talk about the marriage, defer any decisions.

 

Not that this is what is going on...just saying that it sounded very similar to my $250 advice they gave me back in July.

 

My guess is that they're saying 'keep it friendly' while you go through the D process, if you want to/have to know each other in the future. I guess that's particularly important if you have kids or need to live under the same roof for a little longer, but those may not have applied to you.

[nowomanocry]

Aimchase, don't even dare try to understand women, accept them as they are because they are complicated and it is like an endless well down there...there's simply no end to the trouble and problems they create and heartache and grief they cause. In my case, believe me, the more I gave the more she asked

 

Leave her to woteva the f..k she's upto and concentrate on your kids and plan for your future

 

Otherwise you end up in a Soul Asylum lol

 

Good luck mate

[Gunny376]

You tell me? Your the one that was married to her all these years? That is to say that you know her better than any here would ever would.

 

I'd chalk it up to FBS ~ "Flaky Broad Syndrome"

 

Its this just this plain and simple.

 

Relationships have a beginning, a middle, and and end.

 

Relationships are easy to get into, can be difficult to maintain, and even harder to get out of ~ especially if you're married.

[Steadfast]

Sounds like an act to gain, or regain control. Sometimes, women or men (who may not be -on average- intelligent enough to pull it off?) will take an opportunity to someone in a welcome, seemingly comfortable environment to torture or ignore him. It's hard to punish someone who's not there. They do it because they can.

 

Still, as previously mentioned, we will never fully understand women. I am smart enough to know just how dumb I really am.

[You Go Girl]

No idea why, and I'm a woman.

Ummm...last supper before the big D and the marriage is dead?

Umm...wanting to watch you eat while she is in disgust of herself for having fed you?

Ummm...some part of her still wants you?

 

Inner conflict. She wants you but she doesn't want you. Has to be something like that.

[aimchase]

No idea why, and I'm a woman.

Ummm...last supper before the big D and the marriage is dead?

Umm...wanting to watch you eat while she is in disgust of herself for having fed you?

Ummm...some part of her still wants you?

 

Inner conflict. She wants you but she doesn't want you. Has to be something like that.

 

It's something like that. I think there is certainly a controlling need. The other day she text messaged me saying she wanted me to call about our daughter. I said I was out but would ring her a bit later. She got s**ty about that and said, 'no you won't, i'm going to bed'. It's all about being on her terms.

 

That 'dinner' night was the same, there's an attitude but at the same time, she won't seem to properly distance herself from me. I know she's filed for divorce, which is a positive step, but I also know it's only a matter of time when she's ringing again for some reason or another.

 

I picked up the kids tonight from her and she was again, completely distant and abrupt. I think it's easiest this way, but as we all know, partners can change like the wind and I dare say all manner of bizarre behavioural outcomes will make themselves apparent over the years.

[LisaUk]

Personally Aim, just my opinion from your threads, I think your wife has post natal depression and the whole D and her weird behaviour (b/c lets face it, that dinner thing was weird), is all a reaction to the youngest child.

 

Either that or it could possibly be a reaction to the commitment of it all. When my ex left I spoke to my GP, who suggested my ex may be commitment phobic (with me 18 years, then a few weeks after we book the Church, he's off). My GP told me she has had a number of patients who have married and the following morning their spouse has fled, it's like, "what have I done" the enormity of the commitment suddenly hits them and they can't handle it.

 

I read a very good book called He's Scraed, She's Scared by Stephen Carter and it explains that people with commitment phobia have different trigger points, for some it is moving in together, for some engaement, for some sex, for some marriage and for some having a child or having the LAST CHILD, the completetion of the family that triggers it. It's like, this is my life, I am stuck here what now? Panic.

 

Just some thoughts from what you have written.

[aimchase]

Lisa,

 

That's a good insight and useful to have your views. I also considered PND, particularly as her behaviour has been bizarre ever since our second was born. But it's some 19/20 months on now. Could she still be suffring from it??

 

Irrespective, the damage is done and I have no inclination to repair this considering the problems she's caused throughout this period.

[LisaUk]

Lisa,

 

That's a good insight and useful to have your views. I also considered PND, particularly as her behaviour has been bizarre ever since our second was born. But it's some 19/20 months on now. Could she still be suffring from it??

 

Irrespective, the damage is done and I have no inclination to repair this considering the problems she's caused throughout this period.

 

Just did a quick net search, and it seems it can last at least two years. Good on you though for wanting to move on and not wanting her back after all she has put you through, wish I could get to where you are, after all my ex has done, I still want him and I hate the fact that I do.

[aimchase]

Just did a quick net search, and it seems it can last at least two years. Good on you though for wanting to move on and not wanting her back after all she has put you through, wish I could get to where you are, after all my ex has done, I still want him and I hate the fact that I do.

 

You know what Lisa? I thought about this. You still want him because you never closed the book. He did, but you didn't.

 

I bet you anything you like that if your wish was desired and he turned up at your door and said, 'i'm back', you'd feel absolutely nothing like you think you would at this moment in time. You'd be confused, angry, and would probably give him a darn good slap!

 

You still struggle to come to terms with this and i'm convinced that this is where it all lies. You're needing the closure, because questions are just unanswered. But you have to look beyond that and understand that what you had isn't there anymore.

 

We all do it (I have!). You split from the ex, then reminisce on the fantastic times you had together and think 'well why can't we be like that again, what's stopping us?', but life moves on and changes people. They are great memories but even if the settings were perfect to reenact the past, it wouldn't happen.

 

But if we could all realise that so easily, we'd move on a lot easier as well. That's half the challenge in our minds.

[aimchase]

D'uh - I meant to post this in Lisa's own thread but what the hell, you can see it here!

[alphamale]

I know you'll say I shouldn't have stopped, but i'm more just completely dumbfounded by the act of cooking for someone whom you seemingly don't want there!

i don't think she expected you to take the offer of dinner, and you shouldn't have

[LisaUk]

You know what Lisa? I thought about this. You still want him because you never closed the book. He did, but you didn't.

 

I bet you anything you like that if your wish was desired and he turned up at your door and said, 'i'm back', you'd feel absolutely nothing like you think you would at this moment in time. You'd be confused, angry, and would probably give him a darn good slap!

 

You still struggle to come to terms with this and i'm convinced that this is where it all lies. You're needing the closure, because questions are just unanswered. But you have to look beyond that and understand that what you had isn't there anymore.

 

We all do it (I have!). You split from the ex, then reminisce on the fantastic times you had together and think 'well why can't we be like that again, what's stopping us?', but life moves on and changes people. They are great memories but even if the settings were perfect to reenact the past, it wouldn't happen.

 

But if we could all realise that so easily, we'd move on a lot easier as well. That's half the challenge in our minds.

 

I'm guessing that you were aware that your wife was becoming distant with you or that there were problems in your M for some time before she left? I'm guesing this b/c of the way you say you have reminised and that people change and move on, I don't have any memories of my relationship for the last 18 years b/c my ex stole them from me when he left without warning and re-wrote our life together, he lied so much I no longer what was real and true and what wasn't. One minute we were happy and planning our wedding (and I mean planning, as in talking with parents drawing up guest lists, walking round the church discussing hymms with the vicar, wedding venues, he's giving ideas for photos, table plans etc, telling me how much he b****y loves me), the next, GONE. I literally was in bed one Saturday morning and he came in and said "so do you still want to go to *******for the day?" "Yeah, I'll get up" HIM "I want us to break up, I haven't loved you in years" packed a bag and left 30 mins later. What we had was there right up until the minute he left and I don't understand where it went b/c we were not having problems, we weren't fighting, he wasn't distant etc and I've looked for the red flags since and they were not there.

 

Anyway, sorry I am hijacking your thread, bit of rant there.

 

Moved this post over to my thread now.

Edited February 26, 2010 by LisaUk

[aimchase]

But everything you say points to him having the issues, not you. Yes, you're really confused and upset by this, but you have the mentality, loyalty and commitment to find someone and be happy in the future. I don't think he will, he's clearly someone who gets afraid of crossing a certain mark and will always be hindered by that.

 

Hence the whole closure thing, you never had it and you now need a find a way to get it so that you can be at peace within yourself.

 

Yes, I saw the signs of my own relationship spiralling for many months. It's a different story for me really as I kept by her side, in the hope that she'd eventually come to terms with her change of behaviour and would settle again. She never really understand the repurcussions of her actions on other people though, it just doesn't come into her head. Rather, i'm the one who has been villified by way of the responsive actions I took to deal with her behaviour.

 

I see it as doing what was right, proper, and in the interests of my children. She looks at it like i'm some a-hole who was trying to shatter her life. But that's what you get from people with her type of mental illness.

[aimchase]

Strange woman - had kids all weekend, NC all the way through - bliss.

 

Took them back this morning. Drove to work. Then text message comes through saying 'Glad to see you moving on. Good luck honey xxxxxx'.

 

Not the sort of thing you really say is it! Either she's genuinely trying to see an amicable separation, or she's giving those strange headf**k hints again which incidentally, i'm well past.

 

Personally, I think it's again about control. It's like, 'oh thank goodness, you're finally getting over me. I was there ages ago'.

 

What a muppet.....

[Gunny376]

What a muppet..... :lmao::lmao:

[aimchase]

Really can't figure this woman out, nor should I be trying to really.

 

From the post re two comments above, there was no further contact. Then late last night she messages again asking if I intend to have the children overnight later in the week, or am looking just to pay them a visit.

 

I didn't respond at that time as it was late and I was busy. I decided i'd respond after i'd got to work the next day.

 

Not good enough! I received a follow up text at 8am this morning, informing me that she is 'highly irritated by my ignorance' and then proceeded to lay out demands of what she wanted re the kids.

 

I replied at around 9:30am, as I always intended to, very politely by agreeing to what she had suggested/demanded and closed it with a 'cya'.

 

The response from her was instant and said, 'Arrogant as usual. See you Thursday'.

 

I don't see any arrogance at all in my response. I do find it quite odd though that having sent a polite message to me (although that may have been an engineered mindf**k), she has resorted to seemingly looking for an argument, just because i'm keeping contact and responses to the bare minimum.

 

I really don't understand it, but will just keep on as I am, as right now i'm loving life and really finding myself.

 

Aim