type7 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I met this girl a few months ago and we get along really well and i'm def starting to develop strong feelings for her. I knew she wasn't a virgin when we started dating but for some reason it didnt start to bother me until I felt myself falling for her. She just lost it this past summer to an ex-best friend who she dated on and off who then broke up with her 2 days after. She also said she was drunk at the time but still was aware of what she was doing. She also told me that it is the worst memory she has and if she could take it back she would. But she must have felt something for him if she waited 19 years to give it up to him. BTW...im 21. (i suppose this is what i get for asking too many questions about it) anyways she tells me that im the first guy that shes ever had real feelings for actually wants to make it work out. she said trusting me was hard at first but because im such a caring and genuine person she completely trusts me. For some reason though, I get really depressed over the fact that I wasnt her first and i'm aware this is ridiculous and completely irrational but knowing that doesnt stop me from getting depressed. It's only really bothered me for the past week or so, I dont think about it everyday but other times I can't fall asleep or when I wake up at some god awful hour, I cant fall back to sleep. A couple times i've felt the urge to cry, but i didnt. For some reason I feel that her time with him was more memorable because it was her first. She assures me that it was "literally the worst mistake of her life and that it never should have happened." I think what specifically bothers me is that I take it personally and I think the other guy did it to spite future guys knowing that shes giving him something she cant give anyone else. The whole act of breaking the hymen and etc. The ironic thing is that by bringing it up to her and telling her it bother me, it probably makes her think about it more which is what upset me to begin with. Plus thinking about another guy on top of my girl is not very comforting. Sometimes I think its the way pop culture makes it such a big deal and romanticizes the first time a girl has sex. I went though this with my first girlfriend and I don't want this to become and issue everytime I meet and start dating a new girl. This happened like 6 months into my first relationship and eventually the jealous feelings subsided and I went on to date her for 4 1/2 years without thinking about it until recently when I realized I was doing the same thing now, which worries me that there could be some underlying reasons. Perhaps it was because I lost my virginity at 15 and I wish I was older or its just plain old jealousy. either way i really want to find out why this happens because its painful and an up and down rollercoaster. Perhaps its just when I get to the point in the relationship when i'm feeling most vulnerable. When it moves from casually seeing each other to when I start to really fall for the other girl. I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think its the lack of control in wanting someting I just can't have. I'm still in college and there are people I could talk to but I feel like its something I should deal with on my own or informally through this message board. I don't have a history of depression although I did get it from time to time but I would consider it within normal limits. Another thing to note is that my mom and brother both have depression and my mom and have both been prescribed antidepressants so I wasnt sure if I was depressed because of these thoughts...or if i thought about these things because I was depressed. I sincerely appreciate any responses and insight that any of you can give. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Right well that's why the internet is such a great idea - you can get things off your chest, no harm done. You can get up at 3am, with some irrational thought buzzing round and round in your head and type away to your hearts content, sending those big old nasty thoughts out into the universe without bugging your friends, family and lovers.... So all I can say is ...I hope you feel better now... you know that it's illogical to beat yourself (or your girl) up over the past. You know you can't change the past. However, you are a guy and cannot know what it's like to be a girl and give your virginity away - so let me spell it out for you. It is nearly always a big deal; it can be a big horrible deal or a wonderful deal but either way there is nothing on God's green earth to do about it once it's done but move on and live with the memory. Your girl said it was a big horrible deal. She wished it had been different or that she would have saved her virginity for someone who'd value it. You are obsessing about one moment in time and you may well lose the future if you don't leave the past were it belongs and show a little understanding by not harping on on this topic. Fortunately you seem to realize this is just a phase you're going through and if she doesn't dump you for being crass you'll get over it and enjoy your relationship to the full. It's normal to feel bad thinking about your love interest with another - it also feels bad smacking yourself in the head with a sledge hammer, that's why most sane people avoid doing both of the above. Focus on the present, work to the future and if you feel these obsessive thoughts are a prelude to depression don't hesitate to get professional help. Either way, quiet the voices for that way madness lies... Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 This is just a thought but if it is so important to you that you find yourself a virgin then why are you not a virgin? You have no right to ask to be the first if you can';t be the first for your partner also. Don't you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
type7 Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Well you know what guys, i think just posting made me feel a lot better. Maybe I just needed to get it all out and I was kinda able to see how ridiculous it is. BTW i thought the head smacking against the wall analogy was hilarious and on point. Yeah things just started to make more sense after I got it all out. I think just having the same few thoughts run through ur head repeatedly just snowballs into something big. Thx bryanp and reckless for what u wrote cuz it just backed up some of the thoughts I had when I started to realize how dumb ive been. And I wasnt a virgin when i met her which I know makes me a hypocrite and was also why i knew i wasnt right in my feelings but i wasnt sure why i was feeling them. But whatever, hopefully I am really over it for the most part and besides some fleeting thoughts here and there I feel pretty good. I must say im glad there are websites like this out there... thx again bye Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I know you said you've resolved your issue, but I have a question for you. If she had slept with *lots* of guys before, would that be a bigger or smaller issue than just sleeping with one? I'm just curious, because your post reminded me of a conversation I had with a male friend of mine recently. I'd kind of like to know what other guys think about the difference between a [young, slightly relationship-fresh becuase of the age thing, I guess] girlfriend who has slept with *one* guy, one who's a virgin, and one who has had *many* partners. Link to post Share on other sites
type7 Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 **I went way off topic with this reply, especially after the first paragraph. If I missed the point rephrase the question and ill give it a second shot.** To be honest i'm not exactly sure, im assuming id be worse if she had slept with many guys. For me though i've always wanted to be a girls first, im not even exactly sure why. I think its like i kinda mentioned in the earlier post, for some reason knowing she was with someone else hurts a little because when i think about it it feels like its happening now. Plus the fact that this guy is a family friend so she still talks to him bothers me a little as well even though she says its like 2 words, i mean she doesnt like him at all either because he completely used her. I didnt mention it in my other post but when he broke up with her 2 days later he declared his love for another girl. So the whole situation sounds like something that shouldnt have happened and that I think makes it worse. She waited 19 years for someone special and it happened only 2-3 months before I met her so I just feel like I was so close. Although I want to be a girls first, i would NEVER EVER do something like he did to her to any girl. I'll be the first guy to admit that guys can be real a-holes and I tell my younger sister this everyday. Im pretty sure he did it just because he knew she was a virgin. which is why i kinda have feelings like I want to bash his face in (im not really going to obviously). Im not gonna lie and say im 100% over it but I think i'm certainly better than I was. But I realize its not something that I have any control over and theres things in my own life that I would change if i could. I have to apply the same logic that lets me move on from my own mistakes to this situation. Shes already told me it was a mistake, she wishes more than anything else it didnt happen and that she waited for me. So what else am I gonna do about it? And when I talk to her I realize I have nothing to worry about, this guy is obviously no competition for me (and i dont mean to be narcissitic). I've only brought my feelings up to her one time so I feel like if I can just let this go and move on it will be a tiny blip in our relationship as opposed to if i had dragged this on for weeks. I mean I slept with my first gf numerous times and its not like I think about it when im with my new gf so I just need to grow up a little. In my own life I can obsess over details without seeing the big picture and thats exactly what im doing with this. Life isnt perfect. One thing I do realize is that I do value virginity much different now than when I lost my own, I do wish I waited until I was older. I've never been the type of guy to sleep with random girls, just in the past few years at college i've had chances at bars and parties to sleep with random girls that i've passed up on because for some reason i like having sex with someone i care about as opposed to my friends who sleep with any girl at any time and think of each girl as a medal...lol For me sex is an emotional connection as well as a physical one which I know doesnt sound like something a guy would say but its certainly how I value it. I know of one guy who feels similar to me about it and he's still a virgin (certainly by choice, he's had many girls try and get with him just for that reason) so go figure... I cant believe how much I spill my heart out in these posts considering I don't tend to open up to people that easy. I guess the anonymity of the internet can be useful..... Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 You answered my question. So in your case, it probably would have been wise not to know. The more that is left unsaid, the better, I suppose. It sucks that she still occasionally sees this guy. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to know that, because I'm the jealous type myself. I don't know how comfortable my boyfriend is knowing about my past, but then again, I'm not sure I've ever told him. If he ever asked, I think I'd sidestep the issue, but I've always been to honest for my own good, and am not sure that I would hold to that. I think it would be helpful for you to remember that you love her, and that's why you two have such a special bond. I definitely see where you're coming from, though, since you know the intimate details of her sexual past. I'm sorry, man. If I could take that knowledge away from you, I would, because it's not worth being upset over, but I can tell you it's not something I'd be able to forget and let go of if I were in your place. Good luck "getting over" this (In any way you can). She's yours now, and even the a**h*** she slept with before can't take that away from you. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hey... thought I'd give you some perspective. I was with my TBXW for 11 years, married for 7. I found out about 2 years into our relationship that she'd been with about 5 other guys before she met me. (When I say "found out" I don't mean that it was a dark secret; I knew she'd been with other guys, I just didn't know the number). However, that never bugged me. What helped was knowing that I had no right and no reason to be bugged by it... it all happened before I even knew her. Besides, I figured, she's with me now. Who cares? One of the guys is now a very good friend of mine. No, what obviously DID bug me was finding out from her this past August that she'd upped her total number from 6 to 9 during our relationship, one of those having been 6 weeks after the wedding. We're separated and will be divorcing. The woman I'm currently seeing is 25 and still a virgin... not saving herself for marriage, but saving herself for the right guy. Takes all sorts to make a world, I suppose... Link to post Share on other sites
jealousman Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I am exactly in the same situation as type7's. I know exactly how it feels. The worst thing is that I kept my own virginity for the very special girl I was going to meet. I knew she wasn't a virgin when we started going out... She had slept with only one guy in her past, and this was only a couple of months before we started going out. I feel like I was so close but I lost it. Being with her is going to prevent me being with a virgin for the rest of my life. On the other hand I love her so much. It is just this jealosy that keeps haunting me. I can't stand the idea that another guy was on top of her. I have no idea how I can deal with that. I know my message sounded just like type7's but I just felt like sharing it a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
Phelly Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I'm on a similar wagon. I've known my girl for 5 years and we've always been attracted. (but didn't date) She lost her virginity less than 2 yrs ago (to some complete a** who dumped her afterward) and I was surprised when I learned she had lost it. We fell in love not too long ago, and for most of that time I had some jealousy (especially since I, myself, am a virgin)... I still do have some jealousy. But it is slowly fading. I'm slowly learning to live with what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Being with her is going to prevent me being with a virgin for the rest of my life. On the other hand I love her so much. I don't know about you, personally, but I think it's sick when a guy wants a girl that is a virgin - but wants to sleep with her. That is crap beyond crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Phelly Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Originally posted by mintjulep I don't know about you, personally, but I think it's sick when a guy wants a girl that is a virgin - but wants to sleep with her. That is crap beyond crap. Not really... The assumption is that you will be with her forever. Not screw her then leave. It's every guy's dream to be a girl's first...because it means that you are her one and only. At least that's how it is for me, I can't speak for people who date or have sex for any reason but love. Plus, if my first time is with someone who's already "been there, done that" it will not feel as special. I wouldn't let that kind of thing effect a relationship(since relationships aren't about sex) but it'll still make me feel like I'm missing out on something. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I wouldn't let that kind of thing effect a relationship(since relationships aren't about sex) but it'll still make me feel like I'm missing out on something. These guys are obviously letting it affect their relationships. You're not misisng out on anything - if anything, she probably had a really bad experience her first time because she didn't know what she was doing, if it was someone she loved, great, but it's really none of your business. Loving someone does not make the first time great. It's weird that girls have more realistic expectations regarding virginity. I don't think anyone would be mad about not being a guy's first, and it's more rare, which is perhaps why I find it so sick. Good luck to all of you - I hope you find your virgins. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarmama Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 It seems as if you want control of the relationship and maybe by taking the persons virginity away would fullfill this. I don't believe it is necessarily "right" for you to think they should be virgins...while you are not. But I know how it feels to finally love some one so much you would give anything to make them happy. Then you start realizing that all of the people you had been with in the past were pointless and if only you could have waited to be with some one you loved and loved you and you wanted to marry...then take each others virginity away at the same time would be perfect. Hmmm...maybe this is why God wanted us to wait until marriage to have sex, maybe hecause the feelings you are feeling now are the ones God knew you would feel and he didnt want you to have to experience that. That could be a possibility because I have thought of it that way many times. I really do understand the meaning of waiting until marriage to have sex. I am not a virgin myself and I wish I would have waited to have sex with the man I want to marry now...because chances are we will get married soon. But, there is nothing I can do, there is no way I can make myself be a virgin again because one he knows everyone I have been with and two he is one of them. But, also try to look at it from the point of view that it was a lesson....she either learned from that experience in a good way or a bad way. By her describing it was "the worst time in her life," then that is showing you she has learned a lesson to wait to have sex until she feelt it was with the right person and not when she was being a "beer slut!" People tend to blame their mistakes on alcohol or drugs, but to tell you the truth they are the people making those decisions to get drunk or doped up and anything they do after that is beyond there full control, so she should have known something could of happened. If you and this girl are serious about being together, then try having a serious conversation about your relationship, future plans and dedicate yourselfs to each other from that day on. Forgiving yourself and others mistakes is one of the best ways to move on and become a stronger and better person. In the future try to look at the situation for the other persons point of view also. Try to decided waht might be going through their head and how much she may love you and regret what she has done. If she loves you, I am sure she regrets it and wish she and you were virgins also!! Link to post Share on other sites
jealousman Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I think that you are not understanding me at all... I have no idea why it would be sick to want a virgin girlfriend. If this is a sick view I am sorry then I am sick. Also I do want to make love (or sleep as you say) with her but when I marry her. I just can't get over with the idea that she had sex with somebody else while I waited so much to give that gift to her. I am just having a dilemma because I also love her. Anyhow I think this is a matter of personal choice. For some people virginity means a lot of things especially for religious people but for some it means absolutely nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Babyface24 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 type7, Phelly, jealousman, I feel exactly where yall are comin from. I have the same feeling also. Thats why I have told my girlfriend that she cannot talk to any of her ex's period. But you know what it is? I think we feel that way because it has something to do with female anatomy. Something has to go inside for her or the guy to get anything out of it. No brainer. But with knowing someone beat you to it so to speak and that there is someone else out there that knows what you have or is gettin in the sheets is bothersome. To me it takes away that special feeling thats supposed be there the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
jealousman Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 Originally posted by Babyface24 But with knowing someone beat you to it so to speak and that there is someone else out there that knows what you have or is gettin in the sheets is bothersome. To me it takes away that special feeling thats supposed be there the first time. Well said babyface...Maybe this is the problem. I mean, it is so hard to accept the fact that there is this other guy out there laughing at me and saying: I know, saw and had what you are going to get with your future wife for the rest of your life... Oh my God, this is irritating. And this guy is still out there and I have to see his ugly face every single day, because we work in the same place. I feel like I am going to loose my mind some day. Anyhow, maybe we just need to ignore it, but can we igore something that is bothering us for the rest of our lives? It is not a huge problem but you know the worst headache to me is the very light one, hardly noticable in me head, it doesn't hurt me too much but I know that, it is there.... Link to post Share on other sites
Babyface24 Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Does he know who you are? I know the exact feeling. Even though her ex is no where near where I am..... I can get him if I wanted to though.... Link to post Share on other sites
jealousman Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Yes, unfortunately we do know eachother very well.... I never talk to him though... But I can see that he is laughing his a... of inside... God, what am I going to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Sider Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 hey, Jealousman, where did you meet her? Where r u from? I had the same feeling with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 Frankly, you are in a perfect position because her first situation was so horrible -- you have plenty of room to absolutely wow her. Also, don't be ashamed of your desire to be someone's first, but get it under control -- the older you get, the fewer virgins there will be. If nothing else, her history at her age could be much worse. The fact that she talks to the other guy is a different issue. If it's "talks" in the sense that he's generally around b/c of the family connection, that's one thing. If its because they hang out or message or call each other, that's different. your g/f has no reason to hang out with a guy she used to hook up with. Link to post Share on other sites
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