why did i do it?! at wits end

[ladybasque]

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, I've made a major **** up and there's just no way of rectifying it now, what's done is done. Basically about 6 months ago I met an attractive, charming, intelligent, sweet, caring and funny guy at work and after a few weeks of flirting started dating. It was unusual for me to date a guy younger than my years but I found him to be very mature for his age and very unlike a lot of guys I'd dated previously.

 

I'd been going through a lot of panic, anxiety and depression (my Dad died a year previously) and for a new partner was extremely caring and compassionate. I was petrified after a panic attack at work and as I had been sent to A&E to get checked out I called him up to see if I could stay at his that night. He said I should have called him sooner and of course it was OK to go round. Even at 2am. He continued to be there for me over the months and helped me try and face my fears.

 

I loved being with him, he was so loving, affectionate, intelligent and I loved his company. He met some of my family and I was proud that I was with this guy. As time went on however I was finding I was starting to get irritated in the relationship and that things were moving too fast for such early days. I felt like we had been in a relationship for years as we spent a lot of time at each other's place but not really having 'quality time' with each other. It was then that I started to talk more and more to a guy I already knew and had a major connection with emotionally and mentally.

 

I don't know why it developed, I already knew the guy before I had met my BF but things seem to develop and started talking online almost every day. I found he understood me completely and we seemed to be able to read each other like a book. We'd both been through similar experiences and I found him someone extremely easy to confide in. He made me laugh a great deal and I was starting to find the attraction was getting to a point where it was uncontrollable. Conversations had become explicit with him and obviously way before this I knew I was cheating emotionally, I just couldn't stop myself.

 

Anyway, about 6 weeks ago the other guy suddenly got cold feet and decided that he couldn't be the other guy in all this, I either wanted him or not. If I had meant all I had said to him then I needed to sort things with my boyfriend so we could be together or cut contact with him and stay in the relationship. At this point he told me that he loved me. I was gobsmacked. I had started to feel for this guy too but never realised he had felt this way about me. Anyway, we talked and argued, he slung truths at me about my behaviour and threatened to delete me from his life. I was at this point devastated, inconsolable. At the same time I was trying to conseal this all from my boyfriend. I was well aware of what I was doing but seemed drawn into continuing my dispicable, deceitful behaviour. I had developed feelings of love, deep emotion and lust for the other man. Me and the other guy calmed down and for some reason things went back to how they were.

 

This continued again for about 4 weeks, a major argument with other guy every week. Me crying uncontrolably at the fear of losing him mixed with what I was doing behind my boyfriend's back. Well as what happens with these situations I was caught out. My boyfriend and I had been falling out for weeks and thought we needed a break (this was before I knew he knew). However I couldn't bear being without him and we made up the next day. He came round to mine and we spent the evening together but in bed he was very cold towards me and rejected my affections.

 

The next day I confronted him about it and that's when he retorted that he knew about me and other guy and had for weeks. He'd seen online chat logs. I felt sick and disgusted at my behaviour but we talked it out later that night and even after getting angry and upset we decided we would give it a go. What I'd done was out in the open and he thought we could start from a clean slate. One condition though, no contact with other guy whatsoever. Ever.

 

To my downfall I couldn't do it, I couldn't cut other guy from my life. I felt he knew me better than anyone and I there seemed to be so much passion between us. Me and the boyfriend carried on for a week after getting back, if a little less contact than before due to work committments. Then it happened. One small argument and I was shown the door. And why? Because for a few days he'd known I'd spoken to other guy behind his back after we made up. How did he know? He'd checked my laptop and looked up the times of edited chat logs with other guy. He could no longer trust me and it was over. Done.

 

I couldn't believe how deceitful I had been. I'd been in an emotional relationship with another man whilst with my boyfriend. I'd hurt someone who cared for me a great deal and if I'd tried harder it could have gone somewhere.

 

But now I seem to have my just desserts. Now the other guy sees me as someone who never put him first and always thought about repairing my existing relationship. He still has argued with me about my behaviour and doubted any feelings I ever had for him. I sit there and take his abuse as I know I've done wrong. Effectively I've been in two relationships leading two men on so I suppose I deserve all I get.

 

However I got involved with this guy and it was so serious that it has destroyed my existing relationship. But now he says that what we had didn't actually amount to much. He says my relationship was nothing to do with him and that it was my choice to get involved in the affair. He tells me we both have to move on from this as going back to my relationship means I have always put him as second choice. He says how he has these feelings for me and has to pull away yet at the same time tells me it wasn't that serious. He even said that it wouldn't be long til I found someone new, he'd even bet a month. He'll SMS me or talk on MSN yet gets livid if I try to talk to him for real.

 

I don't know but now I feel I let myself get involved with a guy who thought all this a big game. I mean in reality I've only ever seen him three times in the flesh! He will quite happily tell me how it is and how I've behaved in paragraphs on MSN yet can't bear to actually speak to me. I took a massive risk getting involved with him and like a self fulfilled prophesy it saw the irrepairable end of a relationship with a guy that now I have deep regret in hurting. Maybe I'm saying this because I've now been left with neither. I've had NC with the ex for nearly 2 weeks now and although I can do it I miss him every day. He had so much love to give and actually saw me as a long term committed girlfriend. I should have tried harder.

 

I last spoke to the ex by phone as I said we should talk and although he answered my call, he was very cold and basically said there was nothing more to discuss. He hung up on me. The other guy says he can be friends but now I feel that I am constantly grovelling to him for my behaviour and on the other side of the cyber highway he is laughing his head off at my stupidity. In all this I can't help but feel that if I had decided to get with him the thrill would have been over for him and we would have never got together anyway.

 

Now I'm just left feeling like I've made some huge mistake that I can't repair. What if the ex was the one that got away? How could I have been so stupid?! After all, the chemistry was there in full force when we got together so why did I hurt him so much?

 

Apologies for the self-pity I just don't know how to deal with it all, I hate myself for acting this way :-(

[troggleputty]

You need therapy to help you determine why you are behaving so self-destructively in your relationships.

 

You are definitely not ready for any kind of a committed one on one relationship with anyone.

[FryFish]

Stop all contact with your internet friend. He was never a real option anyways... just a little "pick me up" for you. Dont try to get your xBF back either, he sounds like a good guy and really doesnt deserve to be put through what you put him through.

[paleblue]

this is so typical. i guess trying to have your cake and eat it too didn't pan out. i hope you learned a lesson from this.

[ladybasque]

Yes I've learnt a huge lesson from this. I've hurt someone who didn't deserve this and my behaviour has been dispicable. I ruined something that could have potentially been special but my xBF deserves better than me. I've had no contact with him for over 2 weeks now and that is how it'll stay, he's better off without this. As for internet guy, maybe he was just a 'pick-me-'up but I also suspect it may have just been fun and games for him, when it came down to it he didn't want to know. Who knows? I get my just desserts I guess.