DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I know if it's not porn, it's something else. Such is the nature of a relationship with your average female. If you can't find one that you completely mesh with and can't be without, try out a same-sex relationship. I hear guys don't nag quite as much, or it would seem to be true from your posts. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 If you want to get your man off porn, try showing him same-sex porn. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Well if you're a homophobic female, and he shows some interest, that could pose an even bigger problem than before. -DA Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 [such is the nature of a relationship with your average female. If you can't find one that you completely mesh with and can't be without, try out a same-sex relationship.] I already tried that. I had to leave him because he kept sneaking out of bed at night to look at porn Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 LMAO. You're such a good sport, coldheart. Best laugh I've had all day. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by DerangedAngel Well if you're a homophobic female, and he shows some interest, that could pose an even bigger problem than before. -DA Aw, that's what you're after anyway, bigger problems. Good news! He doesn't look at blonde bimbos with big boobs anymore! Bad news, he's uhh.. gay. Good luck there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I would like to thank everyone for their participation in this discussion. I am sad to announce however the death of this thread. Thanks for comming out, God bless you, good night. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 We are gathered here today to remember the life and reflect on the death of one of many beloved porn threads. I would like to say that he served a purpose, that he had a gift to share with the word. Alas, his death is in vain... and so cookies and coffees will be served in the hall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 Amen brother! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 What you guys aren't realizing is that there is a big difference between enjoying porn and the guys who DO actually turn down their REAL WOMEN for it all the time. You're only seeing the word porn and thinking it's some insecure woman whining again, but that's not the case. Most of these guys are actually NOT HAVING SEX WITH THEIR WIVES or GIRLFRIENDS, but PREFER porn. If they are turning down REAL, live, flesh and blood women, whom they supposedly love, for flat, two dimensional porn more times than not, then there is something wrong. Please take into consideration the difference between a real problem and mere insecurity before you attack someone. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 That was my origional problem all along! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 ^^^ This thread has outlived it's usefulness and has been laid to rest. I will however acknowledge your remarks. No one is attacking anyone else. This was an open discussion addressing my particular point of view. Of course there are people with severe problems that go way beyond insecurity. However there are far more instances where porn is being blamed for the demise of a relationship that is riddled with other, more severe problems. I have the deepest heartfelt compassion for women that do their best to make a relationship work, only to have their mate disregard and abuse their feelings. I have been with women that have treated me that way, and it's a crippling feeling. This is why I am so opposed to those who exaggerate or oversimplify the problems in their relationships. A relationship is a complex thing and should be viewed as a whole, not picked apart until you find some reason to find fault with the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by coldheart Now, for the person that said that I must be "into" porn and have someone that objects, you are mistaken. I don't have to be involved in a particular activity in order to have an opinion. That would probably be me. And if you would actually READ what I wrote I said "Sounds like you like porn and someone close to you has objections." I did not state that you must be into porn, but your original post was written with an attitude that made it sound as if you were. Your writing comes across as bitter and angry. I guess if I were arguing for the rights of gays to marry, then I must be gay right? Close minded yet typical response from anyone who doesn't agree with someones right to have an opinion different from theirs. Try NOT jumping to conclusions. If you are going to make such statements then point out exactly what text led you to conclude that. I did not see anyone in any post talk about not having the right to ones' own opinion. We only see what makes us appear to be right. What "we" are you referring to? You certainly are not speaking for me. My teenager is of this same attitude - he thinks he knows everything about everything and scorns the views and opinions of others with more experience in life. Are you like this too? I learn a lot from my teenager, but he has not yet matured to the point where he realizes he is learning from me also. You nag and antagonize your mate until he or she is driven into the arms of another, but instead of looking at your own obsessive behavior, It must be something else, right? Porn, that's it, Porn is to blame case closed. No need to evaluate my part in the breakdown of my relationship. Typical self absorbed i'm perfect everyone else is flawed mentality. Many people are like this. Hopefully they change as they mature and gain new experiences. Hopefully their "mate" will also realize that just because they think porn is okay they should not try to foist it on someone who does not think its okay. Neither person is right or wrong -- they have their own opinions about it. Try accepting the fact that a woman who is disgusted by porn and does not want it in her life - including in her spouses life is not any more 'wrong' for not wanting it around her than the guy who enjoys porn is wrong for enjoying it. Sadly, many women don't voice their objections to this until after they have fallen in love and then they want to change their guy. Couples often don't talk about things that are important to them early enough in a relationship to make adjustments or to leave the relationship relatively unscathed. However, porn in itsself is not to blame for the dissolution of every marriage where one of the participants may indulge in it. Here I agree with you. Porn is a SYMPTOM of miscommunication or noncommunication within a relationship. It is up to each couple to decide what are deal-breakers. Porn may be an absolute for some, for others it may be a certain type of porn that crosses the line. But its communicating about it first and deciding what is compromisable and what is not. With any issue -- not just porn. Let's be realistic porn is a ready made excuse for the failure of some relationships. Like I said, more often than not, if porn was removed from the equation another easily substituted issue would be to blame. Same comment as above. ISSUES / PRIORITIES / DEAL-BREAKERS / ASSUMPTIONS all need to be discussed. Just because you find that your bf/gf does not agree with you on an issue does not make either of you wrong or right in your opinion or feelings about that issue, it just may determine if the relationship is a good fit for each of you. I just can't agree with the fact that you can have a few drinks now and then but that doesn't make you an alcoholic, but if you ever lay eyes on porn, your some kind sick demented hellspawn that should be obliterated from existence. To you no, but maybe to some people alcohol is low on the deal-breaker list, but porn is at the top -- that is their opinion and just because it doesn't mesh with yours (or my opinion) does not make it wrong, it just means that the relationship is doomed. Deal-breakers need to be aligned for both people in order to make it work. Pick your battles. If you have a man that works, pays the bills, keeps food on the table, and keeps you from harm, be happy. Stop nitpicking before you find yourself by yourself. Again, its not necessarily nit-picking if it is something that really hurts the woman. But she needs to realize that she can only change herself and if she does not want to change herself, or accept that her man enjoys porn and refuses to stop, then its time to leave. They have reached a deal-breaker. My own opinion: I don't think that all people who look at porn are sick demented hellspawn. But there are some who are so obsessed with it that it becomes unhealthy for the person. I don't go out of my way to look at porn because I know how my spouse feels about it and I don't need it in my life to be happy -- any more than I need cigarettes! (I'm trying to quit smoking now - this is day 8) Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 i would volunteer to have my liver pecked out by squirrels if i could get one man to post a thread saying "my gf reads romance novels all the time, and i'm totally sure she is love with one the characters. she talks about him to her friends, swoons when he does things on beaches or on horses, etc etc etc. how can i compete with this paper hero???" Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 If my husband felt insecure about me talking to a certain man, I would stop. I feel insecure about him looking at any naked woman besides me, so why shouldn't I be able to ask him to stop? I admit I'm selfish. I want nudity to be something special between me and my husband: I want him to be the only person I see naked, and I want to be the only person he sees naked. I asked for this, but he didn't give it to me. I'm not happy about it, but I'm trying to live with it. I'M TRYING! Some of you men can be so selfish. In my opinion, if you love someone, why do something that you enjoy that makes them feel badly? If you love someone, shouldn't you at least make an effort to not do things you know hurts them? I know my husband loves me, but the fact that he doesn't care that he's hurting me hurts me more than looking at porn ever could. Now, tell me what's wrong with this? Tell me why I'm obsessive because I want sex to be something special in my relationship, but my husband couldn't care less, therefore I'm disappointed, and my husband couldn't care less, therefore my feelings are hurt, therefore I cry to you guys, because my husband won't listen to me cry, because he thinks I'm a nagging obsessive b!tch? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 However there are far more instances where porn is being blamed for the demise of a relationship that is riddled with other, more severe problems Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I created this thread, but I can't seem to kill it. I made a clear distinction between casual porn viewing, and over the top you may have a real problem viewing. I'm not going to dissect anyone elses post and address each sentence individualy. Not every woman who claims that her husband/boyfriend is overindulging in porn is being honest. Point blank. Just as not every woman that claims to have been abused by her mate is telling the truth. People exaggerate sometimes. Not all black people that claim racism have been descriminated against. Not all white men that didn't get a job have affirmative action to blame. Sometimes people look for excuses to explain why things didn't work out their way. That's all I ever tried to say. I would never expect any woman or man for that matter to sit idley by while their mate openly abuses their feelings. If he/she is overdoing it get out of the relationship. If you know in your heart that you're just looking for something to hassle them about, then let it go. Stop blaming the mere viewing of pornography for the loss of sexual desire or intimacy in your relationship. Look at the whole picture, then place the blame where it rightfully belongs. That's it. That's all I was attempting to say. Now excuse me, I don't have any porn, so I have to burn the lingerie section of my Sears catalog. It makes me feel dirty. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool If my husband felt insecure about me talking to a certain man, I would stop. I feel insecure about him looking at any naked woman besides me, so why shouldn't I be able to ask him to stop? I admit I'm selfish. I want nudity to be something special between me and my husband: I want him to be the only person I see naked, and I want to be the only person he sees naked. I asked for this, but he didn't give it to me. I'm not happy about it, but I'm trying to live with it. I'M TRYING! Some of you men can be so selfish. In my opinion, if you love someone, why do something that you enjoy that makes them feel badly? If you love someone, shouldn't you at least make an effort to not do things you know hurts them? I know my husband loves me, but the fact that he doesn't care that he's hurting me hurts me more than looking at porn ever could. Now, tell me what's wrong with this? Tell me why I'm obsessive because I want sex to be something special in my relationship, but my husband couldn't care less, therefore I'm disappointed, and my husband couldn't care less, therefore my feelings are hurt, therefore I cry to you guys, because my husband won't listen to me cry, because he thinks I'm a nagging obsessive b!tch? In my opinion he should stop because he knows it hurts you. You are not wrong for your feelings and I applaud you that you are trying to hard. Sometimes porn viewing/use can become habit - like smoking (I equate everything with smoking right now--sorry) It takes a lot of effort and struggle to break a habit. I love my family so I'm quitting smoking -- for them, but it is very difficult. There are triggers all around me and I would imagine that its the same for someone who is used to seeing/using porn during certain times. It's habit and its hard to break unless the old routine and triggers are eliminated or changed substantially. I had to quit drinking coffee in the kitchen every morning because that is where I would smoke. Now I alternate the coffee with OJ or tea and drink it in the living room - where I was never allowed to smoke. If I didn't have a family I would not quit smoking - I enjoy it and don't care if it shortens my lifespan. Maybe he needs to determine what his triggers are for porn use and see if he can alter them out of respect and love for you - even though he sees nothing wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 If my husband felt insecure about me talking to a certain man, I would stop. that's actually a pretty good point. my bf's a little jealous, and even though i find him unreasonable, i would rather phase out the guy who is making him nervous than cause him any discomfort. of course, it's not ideal. but people rarely are. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 (*Sigh*) Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 lol, c'mon dude. forum already has one permanent-resident sighing martyr, and you don't seem the type. c'mon baby, argue it down. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I have no qualms about arguing it down, but I draw the line somewhere. Also, it wasn't @ you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I created this thread, but I can't seem to kill it You can ask the mods to close it if you really want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldheart Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 ^^^It's not that serious. I just didn't this thread to be my only claim to fame. I however, posted another thread and it seems that people hate what I have to say regardless of whether the topic is porn or not. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Oh, get over it, we like you. Link to post Share on other sites
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