SilkRose Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 It seems as it the phrases "we need to talk" and "where is this going", even "what do you want from me/this relationship" strike fear into the hearts of so many men. A male workmate explained that when he's asked to discuss his emotions it make him feel very vulnerable, as if his girlfriend could hurt him severely. What's going on? Why do these phrases create so much fear for men (obviously not all men) but a lot of men??? And how can a kind well-meaning girlfriend ask these kinds of questions without creating fear. Answers from everyone are welcome.
Woggle Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because what it usually means is that he sits there and listens while she chews him up and tells him what a horrible guy he is while reciting every slightest fault he has.
boogieboy Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because guys that get asked this know that they dont get a free ride anymore, and they have to either commit or walk.
Author SilkRose Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) Because what it usually means is that he sits there and listens while she chews him up and tells him what a horrible guy he is while reciting every slightest fault he has. I would understand a man fearing this. That's sad. I promise Woggle, I have never done that. Because guys that get asked this know that they dont get a free ride anymore, and they have to either commit or walk. That's my ex. Down to a T. lol. No more 'free rides' lol. Seriously I see your point. Edited February 26, 2010 by SilkRose Incomplete.
Left in a Lurch Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because "We need to talk" is usually followed by "I don't want to date you anymore". It's like if a woman asked a guy if he thought she was fat and he answered, "Yeah, well about that...." what comes next is not going to be very fun to hear.
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 "We need to talk" - Why do men fear these words so much? No fear here. Conflict + resolution through healthy communication and compromise = intimacy. If a woman uses what I share in such conversations, similar to what I post here on LS, as a weapon or ammunition for some agenda, that's on her. I know where the door is
threebyfate Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 The "we need to talk" phrase is bad. Try not to use it. If you're going to talk to someone, have it become part of the conversation. Why strike fear and dread into someone? The worst thing you can do is to use that phrase, with a future date and time attached to it. It automatically messes with the other person emotionally. Point blank, it's cruel and unnecessary. As for the other two phrases, the men that fear these latter two phrases, just aren't that into or committed to you. When you see fear from the latter two phrases, run like the wind!
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Oh, sorry, missed the two latter phrases, one of which was heard from the lady I've been seeing. My response was 'I enjoyed being married and only am interested in long-term committed relationships'. That usually scares most of them away
Woggle Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Men also know that when we show our emotions women will use them against us so we bottle them up.
hats Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because when girls say "We need to talk" guys hear "We need to talk because I'm not happy and you need to fix that, so be prepared to hear about it much more starting... now".
Twenty-ten Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because guys that get asked this know that they dont get a free ride anymore Exactly! A guy that would have a problem with talking about his emotions would be one who does not want to reveal his emotions, more than likely because he has none. He is enjoying the ride but that's it. In a relationship where he is equally into you as you are into him, there is no "where do we stand?" talk . You know where you stand by his actions. He will take the lead and you will know where you are. That has been my experience for the most part with men. You have to be smart and know when you are wasting your time and when you are more invested than he is.
Twenty-ten Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because when girls say "We need to talk" guys hear "We need to talk because I'm not happy and you need to fix that, so be prepared to hear about it much more starting... now". This is also true Been there done that, and it wasn't pretty for him....
alphamale Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 What's going on? Why do these phrases create so much fear for men (obviously not all men) but a lot of men??? because men generally are uncomfortable talking about feelings and emotions...
sumdude Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 "We need to talk." Almost always means "I have something to say about you that you won't like." Automatically puts the other person in a defensive position which is NOT conducive to working out problems..
phineas Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 "we need to talk" Has been the intro for a break up, bitch session, drama meltdown over something silly & the worst ever. My Mom is coming to stay with us for a little bit. Yeah, those words when next said to me again will probably strike fear in my heart. just look for the building with the Phineas shaped hole in the wall. LOL!
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 When I've heard that in the past, my response has been 'yes, I've been thinking for awhile that we need to talk and am happy you brought it up. What's on your mind?'
lordWilhelm Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 These phrases don't say anything... they just introduce something, and when you say it like that, it seems like that something that you're preparing the ground for is significant and you're thinking he's probably not going to take it very well. I think it's best to avoid having to use these phrases. Better to maintain communication throughout (little digestible bits at a time), so you don't have to be in situation where you have to surprise him with something momentuous that he didn't see coming.
stillafool Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 It seems as it the phrases "we need to talk" and "where is this going", even "what do you want from me/this relationship" strike fear into the hearts of so many men. A male workmate explained that when he's asked to discuss his emotions it make him feel very vulnerable, as if his girlfriend could hurt him severely. What's going on? Why do these phrases create so much fear for men (obviously not all men) but a lot of men??? And how can a kind well-meaning girlfriend ask these kinds of questions without creating fear. Answers from everyone are welcome. I am a woman and those words scare the heck out of me. I never used them on any guy and it sends chills down my spine when someone says them to me. I equate it with "you are in trouble". That's what my parents would say to me when I was in trouble.
aerogurl87 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 We need to talk means usually either 1) We're breaking up or 2) You're in trouble and I'm really pissed off at you at the moment.
nddb Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Because men are dumb and we are trained to actually listen to the words and analyze it when someone speaks. But in a relationship, 90% of the time, the guys need to realize that they need to listen to the feelings behind the words. Find out what feeling drives her complaint, and acknowledge that feeling, be emotionally supportive of the way she feels (not agreeing with it necessarily but openly acknowledging that she's not wrong for feeling it) and you are home free for a while. Women will put up with a lot of crap if they feel they are being understood/appreciated and not taken for granted. That's the cynical view but it's true. Sometimes, the problem is real and needs fixing, but even then, being emotionally supportive and being a good listener and acknowledging (instead of marginalizing) her feelings will buy all kind of time to get the problem fixed or before one has to bail (cynical view--if it's not a problem that can be fixed or if fixing it is not in the plan).
freestyle Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Someone once told that it's better to intro with, ".........I'm concerned about something........." or "I was wondering about something..." So you don't get the knee-jerk defensive reaction from the overused, "we need to talk......."
Pyro Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Men also know that when we show our emotions women will use them against us so we bottle them up. uh no you are 100% incoorect. I have no problem expressing my emotions. I am not afraid of the outcome. I would rather be real than be a phony and hide my true self. As far as we need to talk, I say bring it on. Communication is what helps a relationship thrive.
alphamale Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 most females just like to talk for the sake of talking, it makes them "feel better". they rarely expect the man to fix anything or make changes
nddb Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 most females just like to talk for the sake of talking, it makes them "feel better". they rarely expect the man to fix anything or make changes Yep. So make them feel better about their feelings and get ready for "make up" sex. It's the earnest Ernie trying listen to the facts, trying to fix it and ending up f$cking it up and getting it more complicated than what it is.
Star Gazer Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 If your boss said to you, "We need to talk," wouldn't that make you go:
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