new break-up ..what to do??

[zambuka]

Hello everyone...This is my first post..Here goes..

 

My girlfriend and I recently broke up..Actually she broke it off with me..FYI I am 32 and she is 29. We had been seeing each other for 11 months. This is the part I don't understand...

 

We had what seemed to be the perfect relationship..We went out places..We stayed in and cuddled. Spent quality time together etc...She had off- hours so the time we spent together was special to the both of us. I would agree that sometimes we stayed in when we should of gone out..either my decision or hers..but not very often.. I did everything for her..from buying the little suprise gifts to making soup etc..when she was feeling ill. She did everything for me also...we both gave lots to our relationship..She was wonderful!!. We never argued...Everything I look back on was seemingly perfect. When she broke up with me she began.."We have to talk" Right there I said to myself ..Oh-oh not "the talk"..But I digress...To make a long story short..She said that she was not in love with me and didn't want to continue being a couple..I replied that I was not in love with her also..but that I was falling in love with her..To tell the truth I was caught offguard..We had spent a wonderfull Christmas with her and her family..things seemed so blistfull...Anyhows..She also stated that she was not the type of woman to say I love you to a man unless she was gonna marry him..But, she also stated that she could envision us together and happy...

 

It has now been about 3 days..I have not slept very well nor ate very well.. I am trying to figure out what I might have done wrong or what I could have done better..but, I cannot find a specific problem..Like I said..everything seemed blissfull..

 

 

When she mentioned the break-up to her family they were compleatly caught off guard ..Same goes with my close friends..They had thought that we were the perfect couple and would eventually get married. I wrote he a long message and sent it to her..She replied that she was sorry to hurt me and that she was as heartbroken as me but she felt it was unfair to continue our relationship unfair to both of us..

 

One more notation..She has in the past broken up with BFs in shorter periods of time but she gave us "a few tries" in her mind to see if we were indeed the perfect couple and she would fall in love with me..But she stated that she tried and didn't give up like she usually has in the past ..but her conclusion was the same..she didn't love me.

 

Now the most current situation is this...She will be coming over in 3 days to visit..She strongly wanted to remain friends etc...Even the physical part..she wanted to continue.." I'm cool with it if you are" was what she said..But my concern is this...I do have feelings for her and I am afraid that with her visiting etc..I may not be able to handle a friendship based relationship..And I have also told her that I will not talk about the break up unless she brings it up..I don't want to be the begging type of Ex.."when are you coming back...did you change you mind yet....etc.." It will prob be the hardest thing for me to do...to keep my emotions in tact...sigh..

 

I could simply tell her not to come over..make an excuse that I have to go out or something like that. Mabye that way she would realize that indeed she does miss me and would reconsider the break up.. But in truth I want to see her more than anything....And if I look deep inside myself..mabye I do love her and I have just kept it to myself?? But then again mabye she does love me..and is just scared or something...I dunno!!! sigh...

 

Any advice would be of great help...Thank you in advance

 

 

Heartbroken Zambuka

[dyermaker]

It sounds like it's HER not you. Don't let her walk all over you either. Tell her calmly that you are interested in a complete relationship, and you don't care to remain on an intimate level if the romantic involvement is over. Then go out, with full self confidence (this wasn't your fault, from what you posted), and find someone who is willing to commit to you. Chalk this one up to experience, and please don't let her continue to dominate your thoughts.

[Steve2usa]

I agree with Dyer that you should not let her dominate your feelings. But what I get from your description is that after 11 months niether of you were able or willing to commit to loving one another, and perhaps just settled for what the relationship was.

 

I have posted here in the past that a time limit cannot be put on when two people fall in love, but there comes a time when you must search deep inside yourself and find out your own true feelings. Now that she's gone you think you may love her or that she loves you. Maybe, but this love will never manifest itself in the type of relation she is suggesting to you. Friends with benefit's seldom work out the way you expect and never last forever. I've wanted to say that in here forever now. If you think you can remain just plutonic friends then I would say that is ok and then maybe you have a chance to show her how you feel, otherwise I would let her know that seeing her all the time without having a commitment would be too painful and ask her to respect your feelings.

[RobertoPNW]

Zambuka, you have to hold your ground. You might lose her, but take that chance to be firm in your decision. Let her go with an explanation. Take your time to formulate the reasons, then wait about 24-36 hours before having the talk. Waiting will give you the chance to think everything over well. Be sure it's in person, not on the phone or email. Let go, if it was meant to be then she'll have a change of heart. If not, then you don't want what she is offering.

[Reckless]

We had what seemed to be the perfect relationship

 

It seems obvious to me that you both were very far from the 'perfect relationship' and that explains your present confusion. You were in a relationship with a woman but she was going through all kinds of things that you had no idea about until the end because you both clearly failed to communicate properly during those 11 months.

 

You didn't know where she was in her head, you didn't understand her issues and she failed to even signal to you what was going on with her or where you (really) stood in her heart - less than 'perfect', much closer to 'superficial' I'm sorry to say.

 

I'm not saying this was necessarily you 'fault'; she clearly has issues with commitment and intimacy and that could be for a whole host of reasons - there's nothing you can/could have done about that but you may well have similar issues yourself since you seemed happy to coast along with her, being polite but never getting down and dirty to tackle some of the heart stuff. You say you're searching for a specific problem but there it is staring you in the face - she has a fear of commitment and you were content to be in a relationship without true intimacy calling such a partnership "blissful"...

 

You 'never argued' but you never 'got each other' either, understood the good, the bad and the ugly bits. You mention the word "perfect" several times, you both seemed the "perfect couple" to friends and family, you felt it was "perfect", she tried you out to see if you were both were "the perfect couple". I think that that's a 'perfect' excuse to keep someone at a distance. No one will ever be 'perfect' but and it sounds like you ex will flitter from one man to the next, keeping them all at a polite (emotional) distance because she's afraid to accept that no one is 'perfect' and yet true love is loving and being loved for the imperfections.

 

If you haven't learnt the lesson you can continue as you did up to this point, being physically intimate with her, not communicating, aguing or touching on the real issues and let her keep you in a relationship where both say they're not in love but are cool to service each other from time to time. Or you can find the thing that's as close to bliss as is possible on this earth, someone that you love and that loves you enough to cast fear aside, commit 100 per cent.

[oOoBubblesoOo]

:::..She said that she was not in love with me and didn't want to continue being a couple..:::

 

Could be a shake up for you to see your true feelings. Or she gave up on you because you never made her feel secure that you actually loved her.

 

Its not easy for a women to make the first move with 'I love you' and 'do you love me?' in this day and age where men are labeled commitment phobics who run at the hint of love, commitment or marriage.

 

:::I replied that I was not in love with her also..but that I was falling in love with her..To tell the truth I was caught offguard..:::

 

You just confirmed that what she feared was true. You didn't love her after 11 whole months of happiness but may be falling in love with her? Not good enough in her eyes. Like I said, just confirmed her fears.

 

:::She also stated that she was not the type of woman to say I love you to a man unless she was gonna marry him..:::

 

Hint hint!! She wants marriage. She is age 29. Most 29 year olds are looking for the one to marry by then. She wants reassurance.

 

:::But, she also stated that she could envision us together and happy...:::

 

Ditto HINT HINT!!

 

All thats left is for you to be honest and tell the emotional truth.

 

That is,

 

'I love you. I was too afraid to say it in case you didn't feel the same way. But now that I feel I am going to lose you I realized I have nothing to lose by telling the the truth.

 

I did see us getting married in the future. I still want that. Lets not throw away a perfect relationship because we were both to afraid to say how we really feel and what we truly want from this relationship.'

 

Once you have done your part its up to her. Give her some time to think because women who are angry and frustrated need time to feel their real emotions and act on what they truly want.

 

If after that she is not ready its time to move on and learn from your mistakes to never be stingy with your emotions or the truth of how you feel, and not to be so complacent as to lose something because you assumed it would always be there without any emotional security offered by you.

 

Women need emotional security and men just don't get it.

 

You can say women should offer it too but when they do men fear it so they learned to supress it till they are sure men love them and want to be with them because of who they are and want to make a commitment, either by a long-term relationship or eventually marriage.

[zambuka]

I Thank-you all very much for the replies that you have offered me....

 

Hmmm,..I think that mabye I should tell her that I do love her..I have given this much soul-searching the last couple of days..As I was advised to do. But in reality my greatest fear is that in fact, she may not return that feeling..I would hate to put my heart on my sleeve like that only to really and truly lose her for good??

 

She left me a message last night...simply stating how her night at work was and asked how my day was?..Nothing related to our relationship woes..so to speak?? So we at least have open lines of communication. I have not replied as of yet..But I will..I don't want to start with the mind games etc.

 

Is it possible that by telling her my true feelings it may cause her to vanish completly from my life..Thinking that perhaps, I may be too soft hearted or emotional?? She is the type of woman that can be like "one of the boys" somedays and the sweetest most caring woman the next..Thats why she is the best..I love that trait about her amongst other things.

 

I have to clear one thing up..When she broke it off with me I was the one who suggested the physical thing..Not her..Her response was "I'm cool with it if you are"..I guess I felt that if I am gonna lose her..at least we can have some sort of physical relationship and therefore I wouldn't feel so abandoned?? I know that this may not be the healthist of decisions on my part..But at least I have the chance to hold her ..cuddle her..feel her close to me..Although I do know that emotionally I am possibily setting myself up for further emotional distress..

 

Another point I need some advice on...

 

This Saturday she is coming over approx 4 30 am.. ( after her shift ) ..Should I just act as if everything is fine and dandy with me. Spend our time together..Emotional, physical whatever the case may be..And then ponder how emotionally accepting I am of the whole physical/friend thing? Or, should I just confess my true feelings and see what happens?? I have told her that I won't bring up our relationship woes unless she wanted to bring them up and then I would respond...BTW, she had a break-up in the past where She and her Ex were trying to be friends..but, he kept asking her to come back..telling her he missed her etc..Because of that..she decided to cut off all contact altogether..So you see I don't want to be that type of EX. In fact, I don't want to be an Ex at all..sigh.

 

I have pondered this whole Saturday situation..And thus far I am willing to see how it goes for me / for her?? Then sit back and absorb what happened if anything and come to some sort of well thought out path to follow.. My one thought in this is perhaps if I call off the whole friendship thing..for at least a little while..she may actually find that she misses me and would want to re-establish our full relationship?? But then again it could back- fire ..out of sight out of mind so to speak..Remember, she did state that she could'nt bear losing me as a friend etc....And I believe her sincerity in that case....

 

 

Sorry to fragment my questions and thoughts but in reality thats how my mind is working at this moment...Happy sad..confident..lacking etc..

 

Any help as always is GREATLY appreciated..

 

Zambuka

[oOoBubblesoOo]

Stop pussy footing around and be honest about what you want.

 

Why do you find this so difficult?

 

Just tell her the truth about what you feel and what you want.

 

You are over-complicating something very simple.

 

TELL HER THE TRUTH

[zambuka]

Just a quick update...

 

As I write this...My Ex will be here in about 4 hours..She wanted to come over and hang out tonight/morning..As you can see this is Friday night and not Saturday as we had previously planned. So I am wondering,..Is this a good thing or a bad thing?? I guess I'll find out if I can handle the friend thing or If I find the courage to actually tell her how I feel and risk it all..I'll keep you posted

[zambuka]

As you can see from my last post..My Ex came over Friday last..Believe it or not I seemed to feel good about it. I even joked that she had lost the best man in the world and that she threw away a perfect relationship..We watched a movie together and she spent the night << I know ..that part was probably not the greatest of ideas >>..She left the next afternoon to goto work..later that evening she had left me a txt message saying that she had a blast and to have a good day etc...

 

Now,..All I seem to wanna do is stare at my computer screen, waiting for the next message to appear..<< we tended to communicate through txt messages on the net..little notes like have a good day..miss you ..etc.. >>She lives a fair ways away and our hours are a bit off.. so we didn't have alot of physical in your face time.. We do/did call each other also, but the txt messages was our thing so to speak..anyways I digress.,,,So here I am sitting here at my computer or running to it every hour or so to see if she has left me a message..Hoping that one will read..I want to come over and spend some time with you/ I miss you /I love you etc..

 

But then I get to thinking...it seems that I am not completley/ emotionally stable enough at this time to "sit and wait" for my EX to message/call me/visit me .."the friend thing"..So here's my thought process.....

 

 

I will sit her aside..Tell her my true feelings << my love for her >> let her know that I can handle being friends but not at this time and then ask for space to clear the emotions from my head and the feelings from my heart.. 1 month 2 months whatever the case may be...I will try the no-contact rule.. Try with every ounce of strength I have to stick to it...I know I have been pussyfooting around wanting to tell her that I love her and I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW !!!...I can't sit and wait for her to possiably change her mind and mabye even admit to herself that she may indeed love me...Whilst I sit and drive myself nuts ..Man, I love her and I truly want to be with her..But I think that I have to state my case..for the record so to speak and then leave her life for awhile...sigh

 

 

My biggest concern is this...If I do follow this path..Will I lose her forever?? I truly want to have her in my life even if it is ultimatly as friends. (Her suggestion see previous).But, I also want to show courage and strength and let her realize that yes..I can live without her and move on if need be?? Please please help me on this one...I want to deal with this soon...Thank you

 

Oh one more note...I was gonna write down all the things I have to say to her..Even using some of the advice I gathered from LS. I just want her to fully understand how I feel and I don't want to miss even the smallest detail..Do you think its a good idea to give her a copy of "the letter" after I have said my part??...Something for her to re-read and truly absorb in her "own time" and consider in depth what I said etc?? Or is that a mistake..Do these letters usually end up in the recycle bin?? Thanks again

[Girlie]

I suggest that you do move on and try no contact...but don't do it because you want to win her back. Do it for yourself. You are obviously in love with her, and would have too difficult a time drawing the line at just a friendship for the time being. Take some time away, let yourself heal, and then even try and see if you can move on with someone new. It's hard.....very much so. But it sounds like it might be the right thing to do.

[RobertoPNW]

Originally posted by zambuka

Oh one more note...I was gonna write down all the things I have to say to her..Even using some of the advice I gathered from LS. I just want her to fully understand how I feel and I don't want to miss even the smallest detail..Do you think its a good idea to give her a copy of "the letter" after I have said my part??...Something for her to re-read and truly absorb in her "own time" and consider in depth what I said etc?? Or is that a mistake..Do these letters usually end up in the recycle bin?? Thanks again

 

If you stop contact now you will create some mystery for her. She will wonder how you feel about her, she might even ask you. Don't fall right in and offer your answer. You need to ask how she feels instead. Don't offer your feelings until she can be candid about hers.

 

Then again ( ) I wrote my ex some letters. She told she still has them and reads them, she just has not "let them affect" her. I can only hope one day she'll see my perspective. My last letter was about 3 weeks ago, nothing since and not many words to her either. I know she has to be wondering about me, her friend gives me some hints.

[zambuka]

Originally posted by RobertoPNW

If you stop contact now you will create some mystery for her. She will wonder how you feel about her, she might even ask you. Don't fall right in and offer your answer. You need to ask how she feels instead. Don't offer your feelings until she can be candid about hers.

 

Then again ( ) I wrote my ex some letters. She told she still has them and reads them, she just has not "let them affect" her. I can only hope one day she'll see my perspective. My last letter was about 3 weeks ago, nothing since and not many words to her either. I know she has to be wondering about me, her friend gives me some hints.

 

So are you saying that it is a good idea to read this "letter" to her...leave it with her and then start the "no-contact" approach?? Or just start the no contact without an explination?? I'm confused??

 

BTW, I received a Text message from my EX today.. She said it was gonna be cold tonight, make sure I wear my slippers << funny X-mas present from her >...I will be out on Wed or Thurs not sure as of yet..etc.(( She has the keys still but i think she will be picking up a personal thing while I am at work..Not to avoid me but because of time restraints.))..I am thinking I want to see her ..as in hang out with her.."One last time"...I responded..yes i'll keep warm..etc...etc..But I also said, See you Wed or Thurs or "whatever" as in "WHATEVERRR"...If not, hopefully we hook up sometime this weekend.

 

...Its sounds like I am becoming a bit bitter?? Hmmm..perhaps this is a hint to her that I need to say a few things in the near future..Just a thought

[RobertoPNW]

Originally posted by zambuka

So are you saying that it is a good idea to read this "letter" to her...leave it with her and then start the "no-contact" approach?? Or just start the no contact without an explination?? I'm confused??

 

[color=red]That's it, no more words, letters, text msgs, nothing. She knows how you feel. If I could "re-do" my situation, I would not have sent letters or my single phone msg. I would just walk away with not a hint of what to expect. Continuing to stay available will enable her to do what she wants. Just don't be rude about it. You don't want to burn any bridges.[/color]

 

..I am thinking I want to see her ..as in hang out with her.."One last time"...I responded..yes i'll keep warm..etc...etc..But I also said, See you Wed or Thurs or "whatever" as in "WHATEVERRR"...If not, hopefully we hook up sometime this weekend.

 

[color=red]Let her chase you. Don't make yourself out to be so available.[/color]

 

...Its sounds like I am becoming a bit bitter?? Hmmm..perhaps this is a hint to her that I need to say a few things in the near future..Just a thought

 

[color=red]Again, don't burn bridges, that is if you still want her back. It won't help here anyway to say your thing, it'll just confirm her need to leave. Are you bitter? Ask yourself at who, you or her? yea she wants out, but what didn't you do to keep her in?[/color]

[zambuka]

Man. I really screwed things up...I wrote the "letter" to my ex...I called and we arranged a meeting..I gave the letter to her ..believe it or not..things went well. We actually laughed at some points..So I parted confident that we would work things out...In time. She was enjoying her freedom..so to speak..I was cool with that. We would see each other on the weekend...

 

 

Here's where It starts...

 

...Her friend, actually her best friend (woman) just moved back to town...So my Ex and her wanted to spend some time catching up on old times etc...I can agree with that. So we didn't get a chance to hook up on the weekend. I passed that off ..I understood. We were then supposed to hook up the following tuesday.. She promised she would be over..Change of plans.. She wanted to go out with some co-workers ( its not often they get the same day off )..So again I was kewl with that..Although it did bother me alot..I was looking forward to seeing her..but, I didn't let on that I was upset. Finally,..We we supposed to hook up on Friday ( this is going on 2 + weeks ) Again she said that she would be over for sure..She wanted me to bring her and her best friend out to a trendy club night of dancing etc..She said to see if I could get a bunch of friends to go.The more the merrier so to speak...It would be a blast...Sounded like a great Idea to me.. ( they have never really been to a big cities nightclub ..I live in the city she is out of town..) So I made plans with my friends and arranged everything..This was gonna be one great night for everyone..Change of plans ..My ex got called into work..Funny thing is she thought that she might be called into work on Thursday!! The night before...While I was still planning Fridays events..So again..I said..sorry to hear you have to work..etc...etc...this time I was REALLY PISSED..But I swallowed my pride..and didn't say a thing...We would hook up on Sunday.....So I get to thinking...

 

 

Here's where I screw up..I think??

 

I started to write down all the things I truly wanted to say..I was F-ing mad..that all my planning was ruined..I was pissed that she cancelled on the Tuesday...she couldn't or wouldn't find time for US...I kinda went on and on releasing my pent up anger...Although I never said anything personal to her..remember I love this girl...I told her how I was excited to see her..then nothing..again and again..It pissed me off...So anyways, I E-mailed this letter to her...Caught her offguard..She was eating dinner..After she read the E-mail she couldn't finish eating..Then she had to goto work for the night.I really stressed her out...I got a couple of replies..She was pissed granted..But she also stated some good things...She realy cared for me...She really wanted to hook up but she had to work..etc..She wanted to come over on Sunday...But part of the reply stated that..She had no time to herself let alone time for us...

that got me thinking...

 

This is where I stand right now...

 

I basically told her that she needs time to figure out what she wants to do about US. what she truly wants in life..I told her that she needed to look deep within herself and find whatever answers were hidden to her...I then stated I would not Call, E-mail or Txt message her anymore..I said I would not dissapear off the face of the earth..But I would not be contacting her..I told her I love her and then said...goodbye.

 

So here I sit...Not knowing if I did the right thing..I want to call her or E-mail her sooo badly and its only been 12 hours or so..Pathetic right?? I want to say sorry bout the hostile E-mail..I was in a bad mood or something etc.. But then again I get to thinking,..I said my piece..I probably should of said it in the beginning...I have given her space/time to figure out what she wants..I have freed up myself from getting all excited to see her and then being dissapointed...And then I tell myself..mabye just mabye..she didn't mean to upset me ..That she was really upset that she had to work...And I used my anger to clear my mind about our whole break-up..Mabye even saw things that wern't there?? You know what I mean??

 

Should I stick to my guns or write/call and say I am sorry??

 

Sorry about the rant...whew!! thats long winded...But as usual..Any reply would be of GREAT help here..

[zambuka]

Well..I did E-mail her again...

 

 

I stated that I was sorry to be so hostile and that I was truly sorry for venting my pent up emotions... I then repeated that she take time for herself to think about things etc..I would not contact her..I said that I would be here to listen if she ever wanted to talk..

 

She replied to this E-mail..this morning..She said that she was gonna come over on Sunday (today) but then I flipped out..She then asked if I really wanted her to return my house keys via mail to me ( I asked her to do this in an earlier E-mail ). Then she said that she would still come over today and chill..I am supposed to let her know my answers I assume...

 

Do I give her the answers..I don't want to seem rude.. And I miss her..Or do I keep to my no contact for now anyways and see what developes?? I am torn!!!

 

Please help..