on to a new thread...

[Samantha0905]

I liked your post a lot Chris. It's so true, but I must be honest -- it stabs my heart to read it also because I miss my XAP so much and realize he will feel that way more and more over time. I've made sure not to call him because it's just disrespectful for either us to contact one another at this point. I'm married. He isn't. Period. Isn't it funny how we know something is bad for us and shouldn't happen -- yet we miss it anyway? It's a great help to read how people think on all sides of the equation.

 

MBEG, I'm glad you liked Chris' post also. It really does say a lot. It's why I refuse to demonize my XAP. I don't have to. I loved him. He's single. I'm married. That's all I have to tell myself to remain in NC.

[pureinheart]

Wow Chris, thank you, your insight concerning MBEG helped me also...your wording, your approach, demeanor....

[pureinheart]

I've been trying to follow this thread and I can't, there is a lot of confusion.

 

Would it help you to look ahead (maybe a year down the line) and imagine where you want to be and how you want things to be (work, children, homelife, everything) and then work backwards (ask yourself how do I make that a reality). There is no way to know which is the best option, especailly if you make a choice which relies to an extent on other people so maybe you need to rely on yourself and your own judgement and desires (obviously from what you write you are very capable). We all will always be saying 'what if I 'd done this or that instead of....' so maybe you just need to visualise a future and commit yourself to getting there, that way you are at least moving in a direction and taking positive steps rather than stuck in limbo going round in circles and as you move forward new opportunities and will arise. I think you should have some faith in your strength and the difference the passing of time will make.

 

As for the work situation, well I am also dealing with this and also can't leave my job. So just keeping my head down, it's bearable so far and so will your situation be if you know you are working towards a brighter future you can smugly smile on the inside whenever you see him.

 

Hope I am not adding to the confusion with this!

 

I agree with Skywriter...I know it would be so much better to find other employment, although if you make good money and have benefits it's almost impossible in this ecomony, especially if you are a single parent...I was for most of the kids childhood.

[nvntr007]

Chris, very insightful post. I may have missed it, but, I couldn't tell if you, yourself, are married. Are you?

[silverplanets]

Chris,

 

this was an amazing post. it spoke to my heart, and i really felt like i "got" what you were saying. i cannot tell you how motivating your words are. thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

 

Thanks MBEG, I am humbled. I really am proud of you as well you know.. you're getting there :)

[silverplanets]

I liked your post a lot Chris. It's so true, but I must be honest -- it stabs my heart to read it also because I miss my XAP so much and realize he will feel that way more and more over time. I've made sure not to call him because it's just disrespectful for either us to contact one another at this point. I'm married. He isn't. Period. Isn't it funny how we know something is bad for us and shouldn't happen -- yet we miss it anyway? It's a great help to read how people think on all sides of the equation.

 

MBEG, I'm glad you liked Chris' post also. It really does say a lot. It's why I refuse to demonize my XAP. I don't have to. I loved him. He's single. I'm married. That's all I have to tell myself to remain in NC.

 

Sorry to have "stabbed" - it wasn't meant to, but I can fully understand how it would.

 

I admire your strength .... "you're married. He isn't. Period" and I know that such a simple sentence stands against an ocean of emotion and desire, and I admire you're strength in holding firm.

 

You are right of course, you are married and he isn't - no further discussion needed, But knowing it and having the strength to do it are different things.

 

If it's any consolation then if he's anything like me then he was absolutely, head over heels in love with his MW and would have married her in an instance if she was free .... he would also have waited ... but if you knew you were not going to leave any time soon then you've done the right thing by him.

 

No matter how it might have hurt him at the time, nature will take its course and heal him.

 

I truly don't think bitter of my xMW any more ... I'm not fully over it (yet !!!) but I would never go back to an affair.

 

I agree with you, it has helped me enormously (as you know) to read posts from other people in same/differnet roles in the situation ... sometimes the honesty really hits home, but for me that's part of it .. replacing all aspects of the fantasy relationship with the cold, hard, brash reality.

 

One final thought, I think it's just as hard (or maybe harder) to deal with the emotions when one is trying to work on a marriage ... as the AP I think the pain is hard, fast, suffocating but it is possible to vent it/deal with it in a healthy manner. As the WS it seems to me that maybe it hits slower, building up and never quite going away .... and in the confines of a realtionship dealing with the grief in a healthy manner is difficult.

 

So, again, I admire you.

 

be safe

Chris

[silverplanets]

Chris, very insightful post. I may have missed it, but, I couldn't tell if you, yourself, are married. Are you?

 

Just an honest, from the heart post, but thank you I was married, long ago, very young. Sexless and no romance for many years, exit affair and then I stood firm and divorced. Long time ago though (over 15 years).

[pureinheart]

I liked your post a lot Chris. It's so true, but I must be honest -- it stabs my heart to read it also because I miss my XAP so much and realize he will feel that way more and more over time. I've made sure not to call him because it's just disrespectful for either us to contact one another at this point. I'm married. He isn't. Period. Isn't it funny how we know something is bad for us and shouldn't happen -- yet we miss it anyway? It's a great help to read how people think on all sides of the equation.

 

MBEG, I'm glad you liked Chris' post also. It really does say a lot. It's why I refuse to demonize my XAP. I don't have to. I loved him. He's single. I'm married. That's all I have to tell myself to remain in NC.

 

Hi Samantha,

 

Having been on all sides and the worst being exDM...you have a lot of strength and courage to end it when you realized your M is what you really wanted.

 

You could have gone in a few different directions, but decided to face every issue head on...your H is lucky and I hope he doesn't take you for granted. Your really good people....