sex & marriage: a wife's view

[xxoo]

When people say they don't have power struggles and boundary issues - I question that. Maybe they resolve them differently than we do. .

 

We certainly have boundaries, and occasionally have boundary issues and power struggles. But, yes, how we view them and resolve them is different from what you describe. We view them as a symptom of a larger problem, and resolve them by addressing unmet needs at the root of the conflict. For example, why did your wife bring that up in public? If it was intentional...if there was a reason she wanted to "corner" you...has that issue been resolved?

 

In that vein, Giotto's wife's sex issues are a symptom of the larger mental health issues. That doesn't make Giotto's position any more acceptable or tolerable, of course. If she values her marriage, she need to take IC very seriously. But mental health issues are uniquely vexing, since the illness can itself can skew perspective.

[mem11363]

How mentally healthy G's wife is or is not. I am however a student of language and of negotiation and behavior. And I AM certain that it is abusive to repeatedly say:

- The sky is black during the day

- I CANNOT go outside without my sunglasses during the day

 

Because the other person feels incredibly stressed when you do this. It is just a whisker short of the direct contradiction of black / white.

 

So for someone who is "ill" she comes across at exceptionally skilled at manipulating the situation to her liking. It feels predatory when I read Giotto saying how she radiated happiness at him the day she told him he needed to accept a permanently celibate marriage and he didn't immediately disagree with her.

 

 

 

We certainly have boundaries, and occasionally have boundary issues and power struggles. But, yes, how we view them and resolve them is different from what you describe. We view them as a symptom of a larger problem, and resolve them by addressing unmet needs at the root of the conflict. For example, why did your wife bring that up in public? If it was intentional...if there was a reason she wanted to "corner" you...has that issue been resolved?

 

In that vein, Giotto's wife's sex issues are a symptom of the larger mental health issues. That doesn't make Giotto's position any more acceptable or tolerable, of course. If she values her marriage, she need to take IC very seriously. But mental health issues are uniquely vexing, since the illness can itself can skew perspective.

[giotto]

So for someone who is "ill" she comes across at exceptionally skilled at manipulating the situation to her liking. It feels predatory when I read Giotto saying how she radiated happiness at him the day she told him he needed to accept a permanently celibate marriage and he didn't immediately disagree with her.

 

She doesn't do it on purpose. I thought she did, but she doesn't. She told me when we had the last "serious" conversation. It's her in-built defense mechanism. She is too busy dealing with her issues. She is making an effort to meet my needs again, because she's finally realised that she has to, otherwise I'm out of the door. It's partially my fault, because I never put my foot down in the past and I have allowed this sort of abusive relationship to develop. I shut down as well after a while. Got grumpy, resentful and a very unattractive person to live with, I can tell you that.

 

So, yes, she's been abusing me, but the situation is very complex. We have a different dynamics than yours. We don't have the same level of communication, also because we didn't need to communicate that much on many aspects, because we agreed on everything. It seems to me that you see things very black and white. You analyze them and decide what to do. You make decisions, we go with the flow. Maybe it's a European thing...

[Got it]

She doesn't do it on purpose. I thought she did, but she doesn't. She told me when we had the last "serious" conversation. It's her in-built defense mechanism. She is too busy dealing with her issues. She is making an effort to meet my needs again, because she's finally realised that she has to, otherwise I'm out of the door. It's partially my fault, because I never put my foot down in the past and I have allowed this sort of abusive relationship to develop. I shut down as well after a while. Got grumpy, resentful and a very unattractive person to live with, I can tell you that.

 

So, yes, she's been abusing me, but the situation is very complex. We have a different dynamics than yours. We don't have the same level of communication, also because we didn't need to communicate that much on many aspects, because we agreed on everything. It seems to me that you see things very black and white. You analyze them and decide what to do. You make decisions, we go with the flow. Maybe it's a European thing...

 

But she is doing it on purpose if it is her defense mechanism. She is choosing that tactic, we all are.

 

And even moreso if she is choosing to not do therapy to address and change it. That means she finds it acceptable regardless of the outcome or impact on you.

[xxoo]

And even moreso if she is choosing to not do therapy to address and change it. That means she finds it acceptable regardless of the outcome or impact on you.

 

I'm guessing that Giotto's wife fears him leaving, and that is why she steps up and pushes herself to "do better" (even if it is tough for her, and brings up lots of painful stuff) when he threatens to leave.

 

But, I'm guessing that she fears therapy, and all the long buried stuff that would dredge up, more than she fears Giotto leaving.

 

That's the only explanation that make sense to me.

[giotto]

But she is doing it on purpose if it is her defense mechanism. She is choosing that tactic, we all are.

 

And even moreso if she is choosing to not do therapy to address and change it. That means she finds it acceptable regardless of the outcome or impact on you.

 

no, it's largely a subconscious mechanism... there is a degree of selfishness in it because it tends to favour her needs to my needs' detriment and it must be conscious to a certain extent. But don't forget she's lived with it for over 35 years (I guess), so it's very well embedded. What saddens me is that she never told me, therefore allowing our relationship to deteriorate to this point, where a major intervention has been necessary...

[giotto]

 

But, I'm guessing that she fears therapy, and all the long buried stuff that would dredge up, more than she fears Giotto leaving.

 

That's the only explanation that make sense to me.

 

Indeed and she's done nothing about it until I decided that enough was enough. I don't believe she'll ever go to therapy, but she has realised she has to do better if she wants me to stay. To be honest, it would be great if she did go, but I can't force her... I'm going to bring it up again soon...

[tnttim]

You said it yourself, you lost the desire to have sex with him, yes him. I'll just assume that other men give you more sexual desire than he does because he has stopped chasing you like he wanted to date you. Men and women vary greatly when it comes to sex. Men can have a strong wind blow on their crotch and they are ready to go. Women need to go through a series of feelings before their fire is lit.

 

With that being said and the fact you've been together for 10 years makes it obvious why you not turned on. When you cut him off does he get mad, or act disjointed? If yes, then he is going about it all wrong. He probably thinks you have low libido, or doesn't like sex. I can say with extreme confidence that that is not the case.

 

What he needs to do is obvious but he is stuck in a cycle of demanding sex, not creating the atmosphere for it. I know what he needs to do and it is far from candles and flowers. If you can get him account on here, I bet I can help spark a fire between you two. It worked with my wife and I.