sex & marriage: a wife's view

[mem11363]

TR,

We didn't get to the - we will divorce unless conversation - but wife definitely knew from before we married that ignoring my high drive was not an option.

 

With that said I have never denied her anything that was important to her. And I am willing to start as slow as she wishes and play however she wants - rough/gentle etc.

 

My view is if you make the effort to be a great partner you are allowed to make some level of demand on your partner. I feel sorry for the men/women who treat their partners like gold and get little/no physical love back.

 

 

This is so true. My marriage became sexless after we had our second child. Wife was entirely consumed with her SUPER MOM alter ego, and was quite happy doing so. Sex, to her, had become obsolete.

 

 

 

While I also believe this to be a fact, the good news is that a wife's deceased libido need not end the marriage. For example, my marriage was saved and for the past couple years we have had sex 2X per week on a regular schedule.

 

How can this be? Simple: my wife loves me. She has sex with me (and she usually enjoys it, frequently orgasms, etc) because it fulfills my need. Likewise, I do many (non-sexual) things to fulfill her various needs (many of which I do not share).

 

I must disclose that we were at the verge of divorce before she considered the very simple option of having regular sex with me, despite having lost her own libido. In fact, I believe that had I not threatened (and meant) divorce rather than stay in a sexless marriage, I would still be on loveshack posting confused/pissed off messages like some of the other men here.

 

Guys - if your wife has lost her libido and you are unwilling to remain celibate, dig up the old postings by LadyJane14 and Touche and pay close attention to the concept of "headlights in the driveway".

That is the only thing that worked for me, and my marriage is now better than ever.

[SouthernLady]

PC,

 

I think it is sad for wives to feel this way. In addition to your post, I believe men do not understand what happens outside of the bedroom impacts the passion in the bedroom.

 

However, I believe women regardless of their needs have a job within the marriage to provide their husband with the physiological release. While I think it is always better if the woman is interested in sexual activity with enthusiasm, we all know it's not always the case. Men NEED sex....not just WANT it so many times they will go elsewhere just to get that need met when women go cold and don't give it up for six months, etc. I am just surprised at the number of women who don't understand this need that men have. I mean NO disrespect to anyone, I just believe it is wrong within the marriage to deprive the husband of sex (this includes oral).

 

I also want to add that my relationship still has many issues outside of the sexual aspects. For instance, he has only worked one month since June of 07', and no he doesn't have dinner cooked everynight or the house spotless like he should...and many more that I am not going to list.

 

Things I have learned from my experiences about men when they get sex:

1. In a better mood outside of the bedroom (bitching less)

2. More Playfool

3. More Relaxed

4. Improved Affection

5. Keeps the sexual interest in the relationship continual.

Edited February 28, 2010 by SouthernLady

[lordWilhelm]

I hope for the sake of your marriage that you don't take this attitude that this is an immutable law of nature, and do nothing about it.

 

What LucreziaBorgia said is spot on, and if you can't be bothered to work on this problem, you shouldn't be surprised when he calls it quits with you.

[Maxxx]

I'm glad this was posted. This is by and large how a good deal of women feel in long term relationships. Sorry, but for a lot of women the sexual urge just goes 'bye bye' for them, without having any effect on the emotional part. No medical reason, no medication reason, just plain old hormone surges in the beginning of a relationship followed by a bottoming out over time. It sucks, but it happens. So few women will readily admit it though, and that is why you see so many men coming on here mystified about it.

 

The way I see it, love and marriage is give and take. If a husband does for his wife in a certain way out of love, then the wife should do for the husband in a certain way out of love. Don't want sex? Not attracted? I can understand that, but would it really kill you to go out, get a 'great sex' book, some lube and spend a half hour or so a couple of times a week showing your husband some good sex and not just a 'dead fish can-you-just-make-it-fast' sort of thing? Do it because you love your husband, not because it is an obligation. Nothing is a turn off like lame obligational sex.

 

 

Thank you for posting this..... It is give and take there are thing I do for my other half that I know she likes (not talking about sex) but just things that I know she likes........ Even though I hate to do them And I don't put up a fuss or anything like that I do them because I love her.. And in return she does things for me maybe that includes sex maybe not.

[Maxxx]

PC,

I also want to add that my relationship still has many issues outside of the sexual aspects. For instance, he has only worked one month since June of 07', and no he doesn't have dinner cooked everynight or the house spotless like he should...and many more that I am not going to list.

 

Things I have learned from my experiences about men when they get sex:

1. In a better mood outside of the bedroom (bitching less)

2. More Playfool

3. More Relaxed

4. Improved Affection

5. Keeps the sexual interest in the relationship continual.

 

1,2,3,4,5 So true

 

The house SHOULD be spotless and dinner on the table if hes not working...... just my opinion

[pole_cat]

To answer your questions mem11363, I derive pleasure because it gives him pleasure and he makes an effort to be loving (in and out of bed) and see that I have an orgasm. I know that he loves me and therefore I can rally about 95% of the time that he's in the mood (the other 5% of the time I might really not be feeling up to it, either physically or emotionally). He can rally about 99% of the time that I'm in the mood!

 

As long as I know he loves me and I love him, I will continue to rally. So far I have not found myself agreeing to sex just to keep him from being unhappy.

[Luv2dance]

I too hope this is not true for every woman b/c I am one who enjoys sex, and I do it for me as much as I do MH. It is hard for me to imagine being more in love with MH but wanting to have sex with him less, but that's just me. We have always had the roles reversed on this topic anyway, and he has actually had to step it up lately and participate more b/c he knows I am unhappy.

 

I will agree with those who say the more a woman feels loved outside of the bedroom the easier it is to turn it on in the bedroom.

[dazzle22]

It is my firm belief that in marriages where the wife has no desire to be with her husband yet says she loves him to death, there are in fact many little resentments that have built up over time, and she has in fact, literally and figuratively, "closed herself off" to her husband. By definition if you are in love with someone, you want to sexually merge with them, in fact it is hard to keep it off your mind.

 

The second thing I see with other women that has always highly irked me is how their brains and emotions turn to total baby pablum when they have kids. Makes me nauseated. They become codependent "mommies" and they mother their men too like they are just another one of the children. Now men play a role too, but the poster is a woman, so I am noting what I see about women.

 

There is no reason to use the low libido excuse in this day and age. There is testosterone cream which women can use which works great to amp up libido, and also BCPs with some testosterone which will restore normal libido. It is not fair to any man to basically "trap" him into a legally binding monogamous relationship and then deny him a sexual relationship that was promised to him, with no recourse for him then to remedy it (and of course this can go vice versa too, for HL women with LL men.).

 

I think it should be much harder to get a marriage licence with a long waiting period so people's real motives have more chance to come out. I also think that if marriage was a 10 year contract with "an option to renew" more people would behave themselves and not take their spouses so for granted!

[pole_cat]

First post here

 

Pole_cat, who or what does turn you on? Certain celebrities, sexy coworker, erotica?

 

Indulge that turn on (in fantasy), and bring that energy to your sex life with your husband.

 

 

That's exactly what I do.

 

Also, I read somewhere that in order to recharge interest in working out, try buying a new pair of running shoes or a new sweatshirt. I thought that that idea might work for sex as well. Turns out it does - once in a while I buy a new lingerie set. My husband certainly likes that too...

[Jersey Shortie]

teenagers should be taught to spot a low libido female at school...

 

Yeah, it's great to teach teenage boys that the worth of a woman should be dependent on how many times she wants to do it.

[sally4sara]

I'm having a hard time buying that you don't crave at least the orgasm part.

 

Don't you masturbate? If you do, you can't really claim you have no sexual urge beyond enjoying the fact your mate is feeling pleasure via you.

 

It is one thing to just have your sex drive vanish out from under you, or no longer find your partner to be as the person who attracted you but still have much feeling of love and connection to them.

 

It is a whole other thing to prefer your partner not be around when you're getting yours.

 

Dunno, I just can't imagine being ambivalent to attaining a sexual release of any kind.

[mem11363]

pole cat,

IMO - this makes for a healthy marriage.

 

My wife could channel you quite well.

 

 

 

To answer your questions mem11363, I derive pleasure because it gives him pleasure and he makes an effort to be loving (in and out of bed) and see that I have an orgasm. I know that he loves me and therefore I can rally about 95% of the time that he's in the mood (the other 5% of the time I might really not be feeling up to it, either physically or emotionally). He can rally about 99% of the time that I'm in the mood!

 

As long as I know he loves me and I love him, I will continue to rally. So far I have not found myself agreeing to sex just to keep him from being unhappy.

[mem11363]

should be matched up with her male counterpart.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, it's great to teach teenage boys that the worth of a woman should be dependent on how many times she wants to do it.

[Neutrino]

How many men really want to get married as it is? How many fewer men would actually go through with it if they knew that there was a reasonable chance that in a few years their wife would simply stop having sex with them through no fault of their own? Not this man.

 

Sweetheart, it's not only men... The BF and myself had some problems, no matter what he does for me and how nice he treats me, if he wants no sex I still feel unloved and rejected - I blamed him for a while for not being in love with me anymore, I had another thread here a while back....

 

Sex is a part of a romantic relationship, this is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship IMO (although a good friend would never ask you not to date others).

 

That whole "forever" thing does not fit with what human beings are, and I'm not only talking about marriage...

[hats]

Sweetheart, it's not only men... The BF and myself had some problems, no matter what he does for me and how nice he treats me, if he wants no sex I still feel unloved and rejected - I blamed him for a while for not being in love with me anymore, I had another thread here a while back....

 

Sex is a part of a romantic relationship, this is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship IMO (although a good friend would never ask you not to date others).

 

That whole "forever" thing does not fit with what human beings are, and I'm not only talking about marriage...

 

As far as I can tell the whole sex drive drying up like prune / I still love him I just don't want to have sex with him thing seems like something that only happens to women. In most cases it's the man who wants more sex, and when that's not the case it's usually because the man has some kind physical or psychological issue. But according to OP and other posters, this is just what happens to women and no one knows why. That's the scary part, it means there's actually nothing a man can do to prevent or remedy the situation.

 

Not trying to put the blame on women, cause apparently it's not in their control. I'm just saying if men realized how common this problem is, I'd bet a lot of them wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

[Neutrino]

As far as I can tell the whole sex drive drying up like prune / I still love him I just don't want to have sex with him thing seems like something that only happens to women. In most cases it's the man who wants more sex, and when that's not the case it's usually because the man has some kind physical or psychological issue. But according to OP and other posters, this is just what happens to women and no one knows why. That's the scary part, it means there's actually nothing a man can do to prevent or remedy the situation.

 

Not trying to put the blame on women, cause apparently it's not in their control. I'm just saying if men realized how common this problem is, I'd bet a lot of them wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

 

While I tend to agree with you on the grand total - I have a mental allergie to generalizations...

 

Every couple is different, every relationship is different, even when the symptoms appear the same - says nothing about the real cause, there can be many many reasons why a relationship gets "damaged" and especially if people can be a little more open-minded - probably in many cases the problem can be helped....

 

That's all.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

they just don't think about it.... Yes we men think about it and want it all the time..... We look forward to the weekend and the kids falling asleep early, time spent alone..... So women don't think about, but like it.... That is the dichotomy.....

 

My spouse loves to watch certain shows.... She misses them, no big deal.... Does she think about them all week? No.... But when it's on, she watches and enjoys it. A facile analogy, but so simple and appropo....

 

So I am still so sad reading the OP, and scared of what I read more and more of on LS.... Women just not caring enough, and justifying their feelings without doing the work necessary to fix it....

 

Again why is sex so different????

Edited March 1, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[CarrieT]

 

Again why is sex so different????

 

I think you are asking, why are men's and women's brains wired so differently? Go back to the Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus concept and LOTS and LOTS of communication, which seems to be the biggest break-down in relationships.

[grogster]

I think you are asking, why are men's and women's brains wired so differently? Go back to the Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus concept and LOTS and LOTS of communication, which seems to be the biggest break-down in relationships.

 

When husbands act in accordance with their male sexual "wiring," they're pilloried for being cheaters, jerks, Tiger Woodsish. (Sex addiction my ass).

 

When wives follow their "wiring," however, they're objects of sympathy-- victims of hormonal changes-- and all is forgiven because they "love" their husbands whom they no longer find sexually attractive.

 

Well, "love" doesn't excuse long term sexual "strikes" in marriages. A marital breach is a marital breach whether it's male infidelity or female sexual indifference.

 

I'm very happy being single.

Edited March 1, 2010 by grogster

[Jeff1962]

Sex is such a need for us men. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and dissappointment.

 

When sex is not constant I;

 

#1. Get pissy and stay pissy.

#2. Stop doing little things for my wife.

#3. Could care less if her emotional needs are being met.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant.

#5. Think about other women.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, hold hands or snuggle because I know it will lead nowhere.

 

When sex is more constant I;

 

#1. Am more relaxed and fun.

#2. Go out of my way to do little things for my wife.

#3. Care very much about my wife's emotional needs.

#4. Am very open and attentive.

#5. Have no desire for other women.

#6. Look foreward to going on a date with my wife and enjoy holding hands and snuggleing.

 

There you have it. This is just me though.

[xxoo]

Pole_cat, is it possible that your expectations for marriage and sex in a LTR are a little off, or set a little too high?

 

Your husband is an attentive lover. You have a sex drive, and get aroused regularly. You love each other, and are committed to each other. What is the problem here?

 

Is the problem that you don't lust after your partner, but do lust after others? Embrace the lust. It's just an emotion--a fun one! And the lust for my long-term partner comes and goes--just as it would with any of those novel people I sometimes lust over (although they probably wouldn't love me or treat me nearly as well!). Lust simply doesn't last, and that's ok. A great LTR has much more to offer than lust, in and out of the bedroom.

[Samantha0905]

A little play on Jeff's post to reflect myself. Nothing meant against you Jeff -- I get where you are coming from also. It's a quandary apparently.

 

Intimacy is such a need for me as a woman. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and disappointment.

 

When intimacy is not present I;

 

#1. Get snippy and stay snippy.

#2. Stop wanting to be around my husband.

#3. Could care less if his sexual needs are being met. In fact, have no interest in having sex with him period.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant and VERY lonely.

#5. Think about other men -- sometimes -- I'm rather burnt out on that at the moment.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, because he isn't going to talk, flirt, act the least bit interested in the crux of me, etc.

 

When intimacy is more constant I (this is based on XAP and my fantasies about an intimate relationship because it doesn't happen with husband);

 

#1. Am more relaxed and fun.

#2. Go out of my way to do little things for my person showing intimacy.

#3. Care very much about the needs of the person showing intimacy to me.

#4. Am very open and attentive.

#5. Have no desire for other men.

#6. Look forward to the prospect of seeing said person who tries to know me intimately.

#7. Feel like a woman and attractive.

#8. Feel needed and not lonely.

 

 

I've tried the providing sex regardless of how I feel tactic. That works to make him more at ease. It doesn't make me feel like he is attempting to know me more intimately however.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

A little play on Jeff's post to reflect myself. Nothing meant against you Jeff -- I get where you are coming from also. It's a quandary apparently.

 

Intimacy is such a need for me as a woman. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and disappointment.

 

When intimacy is not present I;

 

#1. Get snippy and stay snippy.

#2. Stop wanting to be around my husband.

#3. Could care less if his sexual needs are being met. In fact, have no interest in having sex with him period.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant and VERY lonely.

#5. Think about other men -- sometimes -- I'm rather burnt out on that at the moment.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, because he isn't going to talk, flirt, act the least bit interested in the crux of me, etc.

 

When intimacy is more constant I (this is based on XAP and my fantasies about an intimate relationship because it doesn't happen with husband);

 

#1. Am more relaxed and fun.

#2. Go out of my way to do little things for my person showing intimacy.

#3. Care very much about the needs of the person showing intimacy to me.

#4. Am very open and attentive.

#5. Have no desire for other men.

#6. Look forward to the prospect of seeing said person who tries to know me intimately.

#7. Feel like a woman and attractive.

#8. Feel needed and not lonely.

 

 

I've tried the providing sex regardless of how I feel tactic. That works to make him more at ease. It doesn't make me feel like he is attempting to know me more intimately however.

 

Another woman turning it on the man..... Not a single male here (sure they are out there, but certainly not around LS) has an intimacy problem, but somehow you had to bring that up???? Why?????

[Jeff1962]

A little play on Jeff's post to reflect myself. Nothing meant against you Jeff -- I get where you are coming from also. It's a quandary apparently.

 

Intimacy is such a need for me as a woman. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and disappointment.

 

When intimacy is not present I;

 

#1. Get snippy and stay snippy.

#2. Stop wanting to be around my husband.

#3. Could care less if his sexual needs are being met. In fact, have no interest in having sex with him period.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant and VERY lonely.

#5. Think about other men -- sometimes -- I'm rather burnt out on that at the moment.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, because he isn't going to talk, flirt, act the least bit interested in the crux of me, etc.

 

When intimacy is more constant I (this is based on XAP and my fantasies about an intimate relationship because it doesn't happen with husband);

 

#1. Am more relaxed and fun.

#2. Go out of my way to do little things for my person showing intimacy.

#3. Care very much about the needs of the person showing intimacy to me.

#4. Am very open and attentive.

#5. Have no desire for other men.

#6. Look forward to the prospect of seeing said person who tries to know me intimately.

#7. Feel like a woman and attractive.

#8. Feel needed and not lonely.

 

 

I've tried the providing sex regardless of how I feel tactic. That works to make him more at ease. It doesn't make me feel like he is attempting to know me more intimately however.

 

Right there with you gal. I've played the, be her friend and get to know her intimatley thing, no matter how I feel. Go out of my way to make sure her needs are met. Pay attention to her, hold her hand. Hug her, kiss her, ask her how she is doing. Do other little things for her, back rubs, foot rubs, etc. Draw her a hot bubble bath, bring her her favorite glass of wine. Then when you playfully try to get her in bed, BLAMMO. Shot down. It get's old after awhile, then one can become bitter to a point. After a while it almost gets to be what's the whole point, this person does not appreciate me.

[silverfish]

Another woman turning it on the man..... Not a single male here (sure they are out there, but certainly not around LS) has an intimacy problem, but somehow you had to bring that up???? Why?????

 

She was just trying to show the balance, the other side of the coin. See as a woman it's very difficult to have a good sex life in a LTR without good intimacy and communication.

 

How on earth would you know whether there are no men on LS with intimacy problems? There are plenty with communication problems. There are both sides to every story.

 

What I've seen is that men and women want to be WANTED by their H or W, and men like that to be in the form of sex, women in the form of intimacy. To not get that from your H or W can lead to the end of the relationship in some shape or form...That is a common theme on LS, and that's what I took from Samantha and Jeff's posts