sex & marriage: a wife's view

[Samantha0905]

I'm going to guess that you don't work for Hallmark?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOLOL Too funny!

[silverfish]

Your sentence was almost haiku-like. Does Hallmark have a Japanese division?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Most definitely they do.... Alas Mister Lucky - san, my favourite poet is Ts Eliot but i don't think Hallmark would do him justice

[Jeff1962]

If you speak like you write then your wife is crazy

 

I'm thinking more along the lines of an ass**le.

 

This morning I take her to work. We get into it over stupid crap and she tells me I only do nice things because I want sex. I was totally floored.

 

I ask her, so Valentines day, when I bought you flowers, took you out to dinner and gave you your stupid 1/2 carrot-Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow diamond necklace, that was because I wanted sex? Yes, she replied. Then when I brought you flowers to your work last week, just because I wanted to, that was because I wanted sex? Yep, she says. So when you called me from work and told me you were hungry and asked me to drop what I was doing and bring you breakfast, that was because I wanted sex too? Pretty much she says.

 

I am so hurt over this. I felt like ripping off that stupid necklace and throwing it out the window. I am so pissed and hurt right now. I never should have done those things for her. I don't think that I'll be doing anything like this for her again. It was a waste of resources and time and emotions, spent on someone who thinks the worst of me.

 

I'm thinking on asking her for a divorce. I'm done with this relationship.

[JamesM]

You get typecast by your partner, in whatever way be it intimacy or sexually...it becomes rigid and boring.

 

 

No one wants to hear what the other is saying, and it becomes a power struggle. It takes a massive crisis before one partner takes the other seriously, and at that point it's hard to deal with without outside help

 

This is true.

 

When my wife starts or continues an "argument," then I kinda know what she will say. And I know that I hear myself repeating some of the same things I have been saying for years.

 

Even my "we need more/better sex" discussion is the same and her response(s) are the same.

[grogster]

I'm thinking more along the lines of an ass**le.

 

This morning I take her to work. We get into it over stupid crap and she tells me I only do nice things because I want sex. I was totally floored.

 

I ask her, so Valentines day, when I bought you flowers, took you out to dinner and gave you your stupid 1/2 carrot-Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow diamond necklace, that was because I wanted sex? Yes, she replied. Then when I brought you flowers to your work last week, just because I wanted to, that was because I wanted sex? Yep, she says. So when you called me from work and told me you were hungry and asked me to drop what I was doing and bring you breakfast, that was because I wanted sex too? Pretty much she says.

 

I am so hurt over this. I felt like ripping off that stupid necklace and throwing it out the window. I am so pissed and hurt right now. I never should have done those things for her. I don't think that I'll be doing anything like this for her again. It was a waste of resources and time and emotions, spent on someone who thinks the worst of me.

 

I'm thinking on asking her for a divorce. I'm done with this relationship.

 

Move on, Jeff. As I know, living alone is substantially better that subsisting in a bad marriage.

 

If your wife believes, rightly or wrongly, that sex rules your life then get out there and get laid. That's the least you can do.

[Samantha0905]

I'm thinking more along the lines of an ass**le.

 

I am so hurt over this. I felt like ripping off that stupid necklace and throwing it out the window. I am so pissed and hurt right now. I never should have done those things for her. I don't think that I'll be doing anything like this for her again. It was a waste of resources and time and emotions, spent on someone who thinks the worst of me.

 

I'm thinking on asking her for a divorce. I'm done with this relationship.

 

I'm betting when you do her tune will change. Not that you should do it for that reason, but it seems when someone feels they have someone hook, line and sinker -- they aren't appreciative of that person. Once that person pulls away, all of a sudden they are in need of that person. This may not happen in all cases, but I bet the majority.

 

Your wife seems to have a real hang up about having sex with you. Does she say she doesn't enjoy sex? Do the two of you have small children? Why is she so averse to having sex with you? Have you been to MC? Sorry if you've said all of this and I'm asking you to repeat yourself.

[carhill]

it seems when someone feels they have someone hook, line and sinker -- they aren't appreciative of that person.

 

This is really good information that said person (the 'someone') doesn't deserve the time of day from anyone. I hope Jeff acts on such information in a positive way and his sex-hating wife can suck the life out of someone else or out of a Hoover, as appropriate.

 

A healthy and loving person does not take advantage of others generosity. They just don't. It's the sick amongst us who do. Hope they get the treatment they need but not at my hospital. Thanks

[grogster]

This is really good information that said person (the 'someone') doesn't deserve the time of day from anyone. I hope Jeff acts on such information in a positive way and his sex-hating wife can suck the life out of someone else or out of a Hoover, as appropriate.

 

A healthy and loving person does not take advantage of others generosity. They just don't. It's the sick amongst us who do. Hope they get the treatment they need but not at my hospital. Thanks

 

 

Well said, carhill. I'm exhausted by the efforts by some, not all, women, to disparage and domesticate male sexual urges in favor of all purpose female intimacy.

 

In practice, this allegedly higher value intimacy is employed like a club to control, dominate and domesticate husbands and boyfriends. It's a mode of domestic control.

 

Why is intimacy better than sex? Better for whom? Who decides one is better than the other? Why?

 

I'd rather fu#k than be intimate.

[Samantha0905]

Well said, carhill. I'm exhausted by the efforts by some, not all, women, to disparage and domesticate male sexual urges in favor of all purpose female intimacy.

 

In practice, this allegedly higher value intimacy is employed like a club to control, dominate and domesticate husbands and boyfriends. It's a mode of domestic control.

 

Why is intimacy better than sex? Better for whom? Who decides one is better than the other? Why?

 

I'd rather fu#k than be intimate.

 

I'd rather have both. I love sex, but I want it with someone who knows and cares about me. Is your fu#king not a method of domestic control? I don't like blanket statements. I'm sure there are some women who just don't want to have sex and use a variety of excuses for it not to happen. I'm sure there are some men who just want to fu#k every time and not be bothered with any intimacy. Neither of these are present at all times in a healthy relationship.

[Samantha0905]

This is really good information that said person (the 'someone') doesn't deserve the time of day from anyone. I hope Jeff acts on such information in a positive way and his sex-hating wife can suck the life out of someone else or out of a Hoover, as appropriate.

 

A healthy and loving person does not take advantage of others generosity. They just don't. It's the sick amongst us who do. Hope they get the treatment they need but not at my hospital. Thanks

 

I agree if you have a spouse who treats you well, loves you and appreciates who you are as a person -- you're a blessed person. If you're in love with this person and feel sexually passionate about them -- you're all the more fortunate.

[carhill]

When you see a disclosed proponent and lover of 'intimacy' like myself railing up against the unhealthy imbalances being proferred, it bears scrutiny. I'm squarely with women in their desire for intimacy and emotional bonding and closeness in a relationship and especially in a marriage. It was the dearth of such in a woman which caused me to sacrifice a large portion of my life's work and get divorced. That said, when I read stuff like Jeff wrote, I see the sickness and sociopathy which he and other men deal with. 'Want' which changes minute to minute. Intimacy is healthy. Appreciation is healthy too

 

If I had heard what Jeff did, and I have, I'd merely say 'I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of and that's unacceptable' and, then, silence. Eat that

[giotto]

I'm thinking more along the lines of an ass**le.

 

This morning I take her to work. We get into it over stupid crap and she tells me I only do nice things because I want sex. I was totally floored.

 

I ask her, so Valentines day, when I bought you flowers, took you out to dinner and gave you your stupid 1/2 carrot-Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow diamond necklace, that was because I wanted sex? Yes, she replied. Then when I brought you flowers to your work last week, just because I wanted to, that was because I wanted sex? Yep, she says. So when you called me from work and told me you were hungry and asked me to drop what I was doing and bring you breakfast, that was because I wanted sex too? Pretty much she says.

 

I am so hurt over this. I felt like ripping off that stupid necklace and throwing it out the window. I am so pissed and hurt right now. I never should have done those things for her. I don't think that I'll be doing anything like this for her again. It was a waste of resources and time and emotions, spent on someone who thinks the worst of me.

 

I'm thinking on asking her for a divorce. I'm done with this relationship.

 

this what my wife said to me as well... apparently, almost everything I do I do it because I want sex... or at least this is what she thinks...

 

You really need to have a serious conversation with her...

[Jeff1962]

You really need to have a serious conversation with her...

 

I just made an appointment with my lawyer. We meet on Tuesday.

[giotto]

I just made an appointment with my lawyer. We meet on Tuesday.

 

I can feel your frustration, but wouldn't it better to discuss it with your wife first?

[Jeff1962]

I can feel your frustration, but wouldn't it better to discuss it with your wife first?

 

Well Giotto. I guess I am done talking. When I do something for someone it's because I want to, because I either love or like them and appreciate them. Not because I expect to get laid or receive something else in return. My actions and thoughts of love and appreciation were cast to the ground before me. I felt as if my friendship to her meant nothing at all. It's been a while in coming and I know it.

[Samantha0905]

this what my wife said to me as well... apparently, almost everything I do I do it because I want sex... or at least this is what she thinks...

 

You really need to have a serious conversation with her...

 

I've never felt like my husband does stuff for me because he wants sex. I think he does things for me because it's how he expresses his love for me.

 

I can feel your frustration, but wouldn't it better to discuss it with your wife first?

 

I'm in agreement. Unless, of course, you've (Jeff) already discussed things, been to counseling, etc. Of course, it's your choice.

[Samantha0905]

I'm squarely with women in their desire for intimacy and emotional bonding and closeness in a relationship and especially in a marriage. It was the dearth of such in a woman which caused me to sacrifice a large portion of my life's work and get divorced. That said, when I read stuff like Jeff wrote, I see the sickness and sociopathy which he and other men deal with. 'Want' which changes minute to minute. Intimacy is healthy. Appreciation is healthy too

 

If I had heard what Jeff did, and I have, I'd merely say 'I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of and that's unacceptable' and, then, silence. Eat that

 

LOL @ eat that. I agree -- it does appear to be being used as an excuse to not have sex with Jeff period. Nobody should put up with that. I think people should speak their minds. If Jeff's wife is insistent on the fact she only thinks he does things for her because he wants to have sex with her, he could prove to her otherwise by not doing things for her at all. Or visiting the attorney, which seems to be the choice. Only he knows when enough is enough.

 

In my own relationship, there's been no discussions and no sex for a while. It's not that I'm withholding sex. He's not asking for sex. It's very strange. I imagine it will all come to a boiling point eventually.

[carhill]

Yes, I recall my stbx mentioning the lack of sex. My response was 'why would I want to make love with someone who doesn't value my existence in even the smallest of ways?' This was within MC. Then we talked about languages of intimacy. In her mind, boinking was enough. Oh, the incompatibilities

[Samantha0905]

Yes, I recall my stbx mentioning the lack of sex. My response was 'why would I want to make love with someone who doesn't value my existence in even the smallest of ways?' This was within MC. Then we talked about languages of intimacy. In her mind, boinking was enough. Oh, the incompatibilities

 

Sounds like it.

[JamesM]

I just made an appointment with my lawyer. We meet on Tuesday.

 

I agree with giotto...wouldn't it be best to tell that to your wife first?

 

Well Giotto. I guess I am done talking. When I do something for someone it's because I want to, because I either love or like them and appreciate them. Not because I expect to get laid or receive something else in return. My actions and thoughts of love and appreciation were cast to the ground before me. I felt as if my friendship to her meant nothing at all. It's been a while in coming and I know it.

 

So you did it out of anger. I understand. Perhaps she said those things out of anger, too.

 

Why does she feel that all you want her for is sex? Communication goes two ways....and her perception is valid in how she is receiving your gestures. I may have missed it, but did she say why she felt that way?

 

I feel for you and understand why you would see a lawyer, but perhaps is there a step before divorce yet?

 

Anger is a great motivator, but it doesn't always produce the results we really crave.

[xxoo]

Well said, carhill. I'm exhausted by the efforts by some, not all, women, to disparage and domesticate male sexual urges in favor of all purpose female intimacy.

 

In practice, this allegedly higher value intimacy is employed like a club to control, dominate and domesticate husbands and boyfriends. It's a mode of domestic control.

 

Why is intimacy better than sex? Better for whom? Who decides one is better than the other? Why?

 

I'd rather fu#k than be intimate.

 

One is not more important that the other. But there does seem to be a common (natural?) progression from intimacy to sex. That is what courting is all about--building intimacy that leads to sex. Sometimes it happens really fast, lol, but it still (generally) happens in that order. A lot of people seem to need that progression from intimacy to sex throughout a relationship.

 

I wonder sometimes how much it has to do with the difference between men and women in the physical experience of sex. While it is not always the case, for the most part men are the penetrators and women are the penetrated. The actual act of penetration is physically and emotionally powerful for men and vulnerable for women. For this reason, I think that, while women should be willing to try to get in the mood and have sex when they aren't necessarily feeling it at first (kiss, snuggle, foreplay), I don't think it is healthy for a woman to allow herself to be penetrated when she really doesn't want it. I suspect that can lead to a lot of resentment and more complex issues with the sexual relationship. I feel differently about shared sexual acts that don't involve penetration, but can also lead to orgasm.

[TinyLee222]

I just made an appointment with my lawyer. We meet on Tuesday.

 

 

I am sorry Jeff. I think you are doing the right thing. At this point she

is sucking the life out of you. The more you do the more emotionally

abusive she becomes. Whatever may have happened in your marriage

and lets face it it takes two to tango, her responses and actions are

telling. It is not going to get better and you know it. Move on and

be happy. This is no way to live!

 

Lee

 

PS. I don't think you wife needs to be informed of your visit to

the attorney. Protect yourself before she can turn things around

on you...

[grogster]

One is not more important that the other. But there does seem to be a common (natural?) progression from intimacy to sex. That is what courting is all about--building intimacy that leads to sex. Sometimes it happens really fast, lol, but it still (generally) happens in that order. A lot of people seem to need that progression from intimacy to sex throughout a relationship.

 

I wonder sometimes how much it has to do with the difference between men and women in the physical experience of sex. While it is not always the case, for the most part men are the penetrators and women are the penetrated. The actual act of penetration is physically and emotionally powerful for men and vulnerable for women. For this reason, I think that, while women should be willing to try to get in the mood and have sex when they aren't necessarily feeling it at first (kiss, snuggle, foreplay), I don't think it is healthy for a woman to allow herself to be penetrated when she really doesn't want it. I suspect that can lead to a lot of resentment and more complex issues with the sexual relationship. I feel differently about shared sexual acts that don't involve penetration, but can also lead to orgasm.

 

Moral: People should have more oral sex.

 

I could live with that!

 

On a more serious note, there are no easy answers to the sexual incompatibility question. Some couples muddle through; others don't. Some simply wait it out and allow time to gradually heal all (or most) wounds.

 

Living with someone is tough. And it becomes tougher with long festering sexual/intimacy grievances. What do you do when wise words, a hug and a cuddle are not enough? When sex becomes a bargaining chip or cudgel everyone loses out.

 

Some marital problems are solvable, but not all. Everyone has their breaking point.

[Tnerforireyeh]

I just made an appointment with my lawyer. We meet on Tuesday.

 

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

[ladydesigner]

I wonder sometimes how much it has to do with the difference between men and women in the physical experience of sex. While it is not always the case, for the most part men are the penetrators and women are the penetrated. The actual act of penetration is physically and emotionally powerful for men and vulnerable for women. For this reason, I think that, while women should be willing to try to get in the mood and have sex when they aren't necessarily feeling it at first (kiss, snuggle, foreplay), I don't think it is healthy for a woman to allow herself to be penetrated when she really doesn't want it. I suspect that can lead to a lot of resentment and more complex issues with the sexual relationship. I feel differently about shared sexual acts that don't involve penetration, but can also lead to orgasm.

 

Wow what a great reply. This really makes a lot of sense.