he wants a "real" relationship and i cant give it to him until....

[virgo2004]

its me again...

 

now my mm is trying to have a "real" relationship with me and gets mad when i do not act like i "should". eg. i had a doctors appointment and didnt call him with the results. i feel that if he cared so much he wouldnt put me through this pain by dragging his feet at home.

 

i am trying to leave until he leaves her (with proof and not just words) but i dont know if i can. i love what we have...except for all the stress and negativity i feel about our relationship.

 

he wants me to visit him and meet people that he is close to. i am scared as hell...to be close to her and his hometown. and if i do this, i know i will not be able to leave.

 

everything we do, i get closer and closer and lose more and more of myself.

 

it is so hard but i dont know if i am willing to give up all the good and all he does for me. i want the real relationship but i cant when he is still with someone else.

 

any advice???

[DerangedAngel]

My advice:

 

Leave the liar/cheater, and find someone you will actually be able to trust in the future. You deserve much better.

 

-Deranged

[virgo2004]

well he is scared. i realize that its not really about me. he has to change the life he has known for the last 5 years no matter how bad it is. i am going to be there for him however he needs me.

 

i cant imagine changing everything that i have known. how can i help him get through it? its not his wife that he is afraid of leaving, its his home, friends, job, etc.

 

every day i find out how hard this is and then it gets harder. i cant be strong all the time and neither can he. i just realized this. he always seemed so confident and so strong and made it all seem easy. well, its not easy at all.

 

so now my new struggle is to be there for him, to give him what he needs. the worst thing that will come out of this is that he will have a chance at something better. he deserves that.

 

 

does this make sense? am i the only one to realize this? how do i handle it and be strong?

[meanon]

he wants me to visit him and meet people that he is close to. i am scared as hell...to be close to her and his hometown

its not his wife that he is afraid of leaving, its his home, friends, job, etc.

 

Can you not see the contradiction between these two statements? If he is happy for you to meet his friends and be in his home town then why can't he leave his wife so that you can do these things? It sounds to me as though there is a circular argument:

Meet my friends/come to my home,

Not until you leave your wife,

I can't leave my wife until you meet my friends/come to my home.

 

Unless I've misunderstood you are confused because he is not being straight with you. My is the agenda all about how hard it is for him and what you can do to make it easier for him? What about the distress the situation is casing you - why isn't relieving that his top priority? It would be if he loved you enough to leave his wife. He is expecting you to make all the compromises to avoid the impact that change will have on him. You must take all the risks. This is an unhealthy relationship, regardless of the fact that it is an affair.

This is all about him and not about you or the health of your relationship. Why don't you matter?

 

Some affairs result in successful subsequent marriages despite their less than ideal beginnings - this doesn't sound to me like the prospects are hopeful. At the very least you need to be sure that he is going to leave his wife and the only way to find out is to end it until he does that. Otherwise he may never leave.

[kkat]

Hi Pocketranger,

 

Thanks for your previous replies to my thread about my situation with my MM. I want to address something you said in your new thread.

 

My MM's situation is similar to yours, and I would imagine, similar to many men who are faced with the decision of leaving their "wife". As you mentioned, it's not just about leaving their wife -- it involves leaving their wife, their home, their children (not sure if your guy has kids?) , often losing contact with a neighborhood, a church, mutual friends, her family (who he may be close to) -- depending on his work, it could affect things in his workplace (my MM owns a small business where everyone is like family, and they all know, and like, his wife -- and this is a big deal to him in and of itself). So, yes, you are correct, that it is hard -- especially for a guy who has a family, a home, and a life with friends, ties to the community, etc. --- faces leaving he is leaving much, much more than just his wife. I KNOW that if my MM only had to leave his "wife" he would be long gone - but it's the total package of his LIFE that he would be leaving, or many aspects of it.

 

But, this is about YOU (and in my case, about ME). The reality is that he does have this life, and his wife is a part of it, and until he leaves, you (and I) will only get the crumbs. We both have to decide if that's OK for us -- it's not OK for me, and I don't think it is for you either. Look, I have friends who have been married, have kids, and who have had mutually satisfying relationships with MM because they don't want a comittment. If that rocks your boat, great. Not enough for me.

 

I have made a huge mistake by getting re-involved with my MM and so emotionally invested - I hope you'll look at the reality of your situation and decide that maybe you might want to get out now. I wish you the strength that I have not had recently --

 

Kkat

[meanon]

My is the agenda all about how hard it is for him and what you can do to make it easier for him? What about the distress the situation is casing you

Sorry I was interrupted by kids before I could read through/edit. The above should read:

Why is the agenda all about how hard it is for him and what you can do to make it easier for him? What about the distress the situation is causing you?

[Dora]

Originally posted by pocketranger

.. i am going to be there for him however he needs me.

 

how can i help him get through it? its not his wife that he is afraid of leaving, its his home, friends, job, etc.

 

so now my new struggle is to be there for him, to give him what he needs. ..

does this make sense?

 

No, No, No!

 

Without your presence, he probably would leave his wife much faster than you expected. so don't interrupt him.

 

It's not your job to help him through

 

If you give him what he needs, you will never get what you want.

[bark]

How can the irony escape the attention of your mm?

 

Your mm is upset with you because you balk at entering into what he misperceives as a "real" relationship with him--ie, becoming further enmeshed in his world--yet he keeps you in this perpetual twilight of waiting, wanting and waiting some more.

 

Your mm keeps you as his perpetual lady-in-waiting, his prisoner of love, yet complains when you don't act the way a normal spouse would act. Well, hello, you're not a spouse. Is he conducting try-outs?

 

You want a bona fide real relationship, and he wants to show you off to his friends as some kind of "trophy date." "Look guys, I have both a wife and a cute, young lover. Am I cool, or what?"

 

pocketranger, I'm not much of a moralist. I usually assess the quality of an adult relationship by how it makes the lovers feel about themselves. I'm a pragmatist in matters of the heart.

 

So when you write,

 

feel that if he cared so much he wouldnt put me through this pain by dragging his feet at home.

 

i love what we have...except for all the stress and negativity i feel about our relationship.

 

i get closer and closer and lose more and more of myself

 

 

I can't help but notice your deep seated frustration and unhappiness.

 

Has your mm noticed the pain he causes you? Does he care? What will he do about it?

 

I suspect the answers are "yes," "no," and "nothing."

 

I pray I'm wrong.

[Arabess]

Like Bark, I'm in no position to judge.....but I AM in a position to tell you the end result to all this. If you WANT to be his mistress forever, but all means, move closer. If you ever want to be the person he introduces as his wife and you want the privilege of having his last name.....you're fooling yourself. You will forever be hiding on the 'fringes of his real life'....feeling 'less than'.

 

People fall in love with someone else and get divorced everyday. If he was so inclined to do so....he would have already done it.

 

NO...he doesn't love her more than you. The only person he loves more than YOU....is HIMSELF. And he will remain....the love of his own life. This doesn't mean he's a bad guy....it only means you are never going to be first in his life. He will always turn to you when there isn't something else (like his family, friends and yes..his wife) to distract him.

 

It's a horrible place to plant your heart. The only thing which will grow is hurt and deceit. Even if he ever does leave her, or better yet....she kicks his A$$ out, you'll still be forever marked as the 'other woman' who caused his poor misery. He will never take responsibility and you will never be given your rightful place as 'the victim'.

 

I'd move alright.....but it would be in the OTHER direction.