She just told she's been seeing somebody else

[whysohard]

hi guys

 

i have no one to cry my heart out to, my divorce will be finalized in a couple of weeks and i met the STBex-wife who told she was seeing someone else.

 

i had a feeling she was but why couldnt she wait untill the divorce is final and then tell me? i asked that same question and said she just wants to be honest with me and hear it from her rather than someone else.

 

to be honest i was seeing someone else too but i thought i shouldn't tell her because we are still legally married and i did not want to make the divorce any bitter than it already is.

 

i dont think i will ever tell her, there is no point right?

[LonelyTiger]

I'm in a very similar boat whysohard.

 

My marriage ended 9 months ago, my ex is living overseas, I filed for divorce last week. I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else although he hasn't said so, I'm seeing someone else now but I haven't told him yet.

 

On the one hand I agree, what's the point, on the other, I feel that I'm being dishonest not telling him.

 

Sometimes I think I'd like to know for certain that he's got someone new, on the other hand I think what's the point?

 

It could be a case of old habits die hard. There's still a feeling of loyalty, especially if you were married for a while. Perhaps your STBXW felt she owed it to you to tell you - or perhaps she wanted to let you know that you are completely free to move on - no hard feelings?

 

I can't see how knowing about each other's new partners should make the divorce more bitter, unless you allow it to. You've both moved on. The legalities are just that - nothing more than bits of paper. If you tell her now she can't hold it against you because she's doing the same.

 

Are you sure this isn't just about feeling hurt at being replaced, and not telling her is wanting to spare her the same feelings?

[The Paper Knight]

i dont think i will ever tell her, there is no point right?

 

There is no point.

 

She should not have told you either, but she did. To hurt you on purpose? Who knows.

 

Be a man and keep it to yourself.

 

Good luck.

[LonelyTiger]

There is no point.

 

She should not have told you either, but she did. To hurt you on purpose? Who knows.

 

Be a man and keep it to yourself.

 

Good luck.

 

Just curious Paper Knight, how is keeping it to yourself 'being a man'?

[LonelyTiger]

Sorry for the multi-posts - just read through your original thread from October (should have done that first) and had another thought.

 

She left you, the split wasn't your choice, and it was fairly recent. Initially it was amicable, then it turned bitter?

 

I don't think she wanted to hurt you, I think she wanted you to know that it is really is over and encourage you to move on.

 

If you're going to remain good friends and stay in contact after the divorce, then telling her is the courteous thing to do. If you're no longer on friendly terms and you're never likely to see her again then, you're right, there isn't any point.

[whysohard]

Lonely tiger: it was just out of respect that i didnt want to tell her, the divorce is not bitter but why test it.

 

Paper Knight: i just dont know the meaning of being a man anymore, all i have been doing lately is agreeing to whatever she asks from me, i just want it to be over and done with.

 

i keep telling myself that i am lucky that we didnt have any kids, i wouldnt know what to do with myself then.

[LonelyTiger]

Lonely tiger: it was just out of respect that i didnt want to tell her, the divorce is not bitter but why test it.

 

If you are going to stay friends, or even friendly, with your stbxw then I think it's more respectful to tell her.

 

She's moved on and I think she will probably be happy to hear that you have too. I wouldn't go out of your way to tell her, or make contact especially for that reason, but maybe next time you see her you can bring it up.

 

Telling her or not telling her has nothing to do with being a man.

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[The Paper Knight]

Just curious Paper Knight, how is keeping it to yourself 'being a man'?

 

what other reason do you tell some this? either for guilt, jealousy or spite.

 

all selfish reasons, used to undermine an ex.

 

a man can take this on the chin and not need to retaliate.

[LonelyTiger]

what other reason do you tell some this? either for guilt, jealousy or spite.

 

all selfish reasons, used to undermine an ex.

 

a man can take this on the chin and not need to retaliate.

 

If you read my other posts Paper Knight, you'll see, there are a number of reasons why you might tell someone - and I'm sure I haven't covered them all.

 

Not all divorces involve guilt, jealousy or spite. My husband was the one who walked out on our marriage after 37 yrs of friendship and 14 years together, and he hurt me very deeply, so technically I am the injured party.

 

However, I don't hold grudges and we are still friends. He's probably having a MLC and I can't hate him for that. When I tell him about my new relationship, which I probably will sometime soon, I will be telling him in order to reassure him that I'm ok and there are no hard feelings. That's what people do when they care about each other.

[2sunny]

there's no nice reason for her to tell you that... except to be mean spirited and spiteful.

 

since that looks like her general nature - be grateful you don't live with those qualities anymore.

 

you are the better person for not stooping to her low level.

 

stop giving her everything she's asking for. there's no reason to be so agreeable... you're not going to be with her in the future - so look out for your best interest at this point. she's certainly looking out for hers.

 

be firm, state what you want, and stick to what those priorities are.

[LonelyTiger]

there's no nice reason for her to tell you that... except to be mean spirited and spiteful.

 

since that looks like her general nature - be grateful you don't live with those qualities anymore.

 

you are the better person for not stooping to her low level.

 

stop giving her everything she's asking for. there's no reason to be so agreeable... you're not going to be with her in the future - so look out for your best interest at this point. she's certainly looking out for hers.

 

be firm, state what you want, and stick to what those priorities are.

 

I've obviously missed something here.

 

I thought he said the divorce wasn't bitter and I don't remember reading anything about her being mean spirited and spiteful.

 

Am I the only person on this forum who hasn't been left feeling bitter and resentful by the ending of my marriage? Don't you have to get past these feelings in order to move on with your life?

[Gunny376]

Don't even go there!

 

These aren't even HS games! They're Jr. HS games! Just goes to show you how immature, selfish, self-centered, manipulating, she is.

 

You should be out dancing in the streets that your free of this woman.

 

She's playing the same old games! Trying to get you back up like a PO cat ready to pounce.

 

My XHEX tried the same thing back in tha' day? I told her:

 

"No, no, no! We're divorced now! You go your way and I'll go mine. Who I'm with is none of your business! Who your with? I could give a damn! My business is my business ~ your business is yours.

 

You? You need to stay out of my business and I can assure you I will stay out of yours. You gave up any and all rights to make any comments about me and how I live my life, along with any "bitchin' rights you may have once had the day you signed on the doted line!

 

No, I don't want to be your friend. No I don't want to talk to you! No I don't want anything to do with your lying, two-timing, cheating @ZZ! Now get out of and stay out of my face and go play with your 'Toy-boy!"

[LonelyTiger]

I've obviously missed something here.

 

I thought he said the divorce wasn't bitter and I don't remember reading anything about her being mean spirited and spiteful.

 

Am I the only person on this forum who hasn't been left feeling bitter and resentful by the ending of my marriage? Don't you have to get past these feelings in order to move on with your life?

 

I guess the answer to my own question is yes!

[Gunny376]

Most of us have at least once watch "Gone With The Wind" in which Rhett Butler says, "Frankly My Dear, I could give a damn"

 

That would be me. I could care less!

 

I use to care a lot!

 

I use to love her a lot!

 

But now? Well, "Frankly my dear I could give a damn!"

[whysohard]

I guess the answer to my own question is yes!

 

i am trying to move on by not holding grudges and being spiteful, this is why i am counting the days till the divorce is finalized, we havent got much to argue about, no kids, no big financial commitments.

 

since she was the one that walked out on me and i was still madly in love with her when she left me, i thought it will be disrespectful from my part to tell her i have been seeing someone else.

 

since she knows how much i still loved her after she left me, i thought she could at least keep away from telling me untill the divorce is finalized (why kick me when i am down right?).

 

i thought i have moved on, but since she told me that i felt i am back to square one again.

 

dont get me wrong i am doing NC all the time, but i am dying inside.

 

LonelyTiger, i like your suggestion that she has told me this out of kindness and long term friendship, your opinion gives me a different perspective and hope knowing that there are still people with kind hearts in this world, i am just not sure that she is one of them.

Edited March 1, 2010 by whysohard

[LonelyTiger]

i am trying to move on by not holding grudges and being spiteful, this is why i am counting the days till the divorce is finalized, we havent got much to argue about, no kids, no big financial commitments.

 

since she was the one that walked out on me and i was still madly in love with her when she left me, i thought it will be disrespectful from my part to tell her i have been seeing someone else.

 

since she knows how much i still loved her after she left me, i thought she could at least keep away from telling me untill the divorce is finalized (why kick me when i am down right?).

 

i thought i have moved on, but since she told me that i felt i am back to square one again.

 

dont get me wrong i am doing NC all the time, but i am dying inside.

 

LonelyTiger, i like your suggestion that she has told me this out of kindness and long term friendship, your opinion gives me a different perspective and hope knowing that there are still people with kind hearts in this world, i am just not sure that she is one of them.

 

Only you really know your wife whysohard. Is she the kind of person who would deliberately want to hurt you?

 

I was still very much in love with my husband when he ended our marriage. He has been selfish, thoughtless and cowardly BUT he has never done, or said, anything with the sole and deliberate intention of hurting me. He is lacking in many ways but he is not nasty or vindictive. I have known him long enough to be sure of that.

 

If you are still grieving, which is no surprise after only four months, then it is too soon for you and your wife to be having conversations of this sort. She should have known that, but perhaps she didn't think it through properly. I think the one who walks away is often so absorbed in their freedom and their wonderful new life (or new partner), they are completely unaware of the impact their action can have on the partner they've left.

 

As your divorce is going to be finalised very soon, would it really have hurt any less if she had told you in three weeks rather than now? I suspect not.

 

Keep your distance until you can honestly say that you're either happy for her or, as Gunny says, you don't 'give a damn'.

Edited March 1, 2010 by LonelyTiger

[bestplayer]

i am trying to move on by not holding grudges and being spiteful, this is why i am counting the days till the divorce is finalized, we havent got much to argue about, no kids, no big financial commitments.

 

since she was the one that walked out on me and i was still madly in love with her when she left me, i thought it will be disrespectful from my part to tell her i have been seeing someone else.

 

since she knows how much i still loved her after she left me, i thought she could at least keep away from telling me untill the divorce is finalized (why kick me when i am down right?).

 

i thought i have moved on, but since she told me that i felt i am back to square one again.

 

dont get me wrong i am doing NC all the time, but i am dying inside.

 

LonelyTiger, i like your suggestion that she has told me this out of kindness and long term friendship, your opinion gives me a different perspective and hope knowing that there are still people with kind hearts in this world, i am just not sure that she is one of them.

 

and u r right , from ur previous posts I can say that she is selfish & isn't worth being friend .

[LonelyTiger]

and u r right , from ur previous posts I can say that she is selfish & isn't worth being friend .

 

Everybody on this planet is selfish to some degree - it's part of how we survive. Nobody is immune!

[bestplayer]

Everybody on this planet is selfish to some degree - it's part of how we survive. Nobody is immune!

 

To some extent yes everybody is selfish but there are some individuals who are self-seeking to the extent that they would betray anyone just to fullfil their desires , its called narcissist so the differnce is these people are without consicenece & others people might be selfish to some degree but still have consicenece .

[mimidarlin]

The STBX can be so thoughtless.

 

So we're separated and going to counseling. We've been communicating better but I wasn't fooling myself. I wasn't surprised when he told me that he was sure about wanting a divorce last. I was surprised that he couldn't wait a few days. I was in the emergency room on Saturday. I'm on heavy pain meds and came home halfway through the day Monday. Called in for substitute on Tuesday. (I mean it is bad when lortab barely dulls the pain.) So why did he have to tell me last night? It was about getting it off his chest once he knew his answer. But seriously, he could have waited a few days. He felt free to tell me because the cyst isn't as bad as last time. I had to point out to him that it isn't that bad, yet. Hopefully it won't be but I won't know until the pain goes away or I talk to my doctor next week.

 

It was seriously inconsiderate and selfish. On the upside he has been consistent in checking on my health and offering help. It is awkward but genuine.

 

Of course he is the guy who cheated on my while my father was dying so inconsiderate shouldn't surprise me.