indecisive coward

[tbone]

Background: Its a the same old worn out story. Married 9 years. 3 children. I cheated. I've had an affair going on 6 monts with a childhood friend and teenage lover that I happened to reconnect with. This is a full blown physical, emotional affair that has gotten serious.

 

Previously I was going through the motions of marriage, but failed to do anything to change that to try and make it better, and instead took the easy way out for fulfillment and had the affair. Once it started I completely detached from spouse. I have been sleeping separately, no sex, no nothing. Gaslighting, the whole nine yards.

 

At this point its time to fish or cut bait. I can't continue down the road I'm on.

 

I have started IC and I"m not sure its a great deal of help. In the fog of an affair its very difficult to see clearly and to think rationally. By nature I avoid conflict (cowardly I know), yet I know this is at a point where I have to do something.

 

Because of that fog I really can only foresee attempting to continue on with my marriage for reasons other than being with my current spouse. These are the children, finances, and seeing it as less ugly than a split. I am not sure I could honestly deal with what it would take to reconcile. I found my marriage restrictive and oppressive before, I can't imagine after the knowledge I had an affair coming to light.

 

On the other hand not trying to save the marriage breaks my heart for the sake my children. I know what's done is done (the affair), but leaving smacks of abandoning them (yes probably should have thought of this beforehand), and i'm not sure about living with that guilt forever. And the spectre of my life w/out them on a regular basis is quite disconcerting to me.

 

It seems like i'm about like every other WS i read about. Basically they can never make up their mind and are always looking for something to rationalize staying witht he OW, something that makes it "OK", even in the face of other dissenting advice.

 

The clock keeps ticking and I keep finding ways to avoid the whole ugly mess.

[jennie-jennie]

You are in IC, which means you are doing what you can to deal with your situation. That is not the path of an "indecisive coward" in my opinion, rather the opposite. Kudos to you for getting help so quickly.

[Hazyhead]

Do you love you OW? If you do then it's more than likely she loves you too, but if you don't feel that her love is worth losing your family over then you have to choose and try to work your marriage out. If you think you can patch things up with your wife (which, to me, I'm not sure that you really want to) you need to do so sooner rather than later as you will only distance yourself further from her by continuing the affair. If you can't choose for yourself, do it for those that love you, don't hurt them any more than you already have. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, but the longer you go on like this, the more difficult you are making te situation and the inevitable decision making. Has IC helped you to at least see which relationship you would prefer to persue? If not have you thought about changing your counselor, going NC with your OW and figuring it once and for all?

[tbone]

Do you love you OW? If you do then it's more than likely she loves you too, but if you don't feel that her love is worth losing your family over then you have to choose and try to work your marriage out. If you think you can patch things up with your wife (which, to me, I'm not sure that you really want to) you need to do so sooner rather than later as you will only distance yourself further from her by continuing the affair. If you can't choose for yourself, do it for those that love you, don't hurt them any more than you already have. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, but the longer you go on like this, the more difficult you are making te situation and the inevitable decision making. Has IC helped you to at least see which relationship you would prefer to persue? If not have you thought about changing your counselor, going NC with your OW and figuring it once and for all?

 

IC has not necessarily made anything more clear except for the fact that I have a decision to make. That is stunningly apparent. And that is where I am a coward. I continue to put it off (making it worse I know), or hoping someone else will make the decision. In my mind and with my upbringing I know what the supposed "right" choice is. But I am scared of my heart not being in that. But there is also the other part of me seeking a way to rationalize the other direction.

 

Either way I'm going to cause a lot of pain and devastation that I was either too weak to recognize or chose to ignore in the beginning. It feels like a time bomb ticking away.

[stampdaddy]

IC has not necessarily made anything more clear except for the fact that I have a decision to make. That is stunningly apparent. And that is where I am a coward. I continue to put it off (making it worse I know), or hoping someone else will make the decision. In my mind and with my upbringing I know what the supposed "right" choice is. But I am scared of my heart not being in that. But there is also the other part of me seeking a way to rationalize the other direction.

 

Either way I'm going to cause a lot of pain and devastation that I was either too weak to recognize or chose to ignore in the beginning. It feels like a time bomb ticking away.

 

it IS a time bomb ticking away..... be sure of that. And WHEN it blows (notice I said "when" and not "if"?) EVERYBODY will be collatoral damage in some shape or fashion....

 

I am assuming that your Affair is still on going? Well, it needs to STOP!! Right now, today! PERIOD!!! You need to get your head straight (not your heart). Do not "romaticize" this right now. You have a duty to your family, even if it is getting a Divorce, but my man, YOU OWE THEM THIS MUCH.

 

thats all for now, good luck

[bentnotbroken]

Yup. I agree with your assessment of your actions. Your family deserves better than what you are giving. Divorce your wife. Let her find someone who loves her and respects her. That's the only kind thing you can do for her at this point.

[xpaperxcutx]

Why do you feel like you can't work things out? It seems you're already ready to give up without trying.

 

If anything, you're stuck in the mindset that the marriage can't be saved and were it not for the kids you would have bailed a long time ago.

 

So for the sake of your kids, at least try. Maybe it's communication problems? Whatever it is, if after all efforts at making things work fail then yes divorce is imminent.

[Hazyhead]

IC has not necessarily made anything more clear except for the fact that I have a decision to make. That is stunningly apparent. And that is where I am a coward. I continue to put it off (making it worse I know), or hoping someone else will make the decision. In my mind and with my upbringing I know what the supposed "right" choice is. But I am scared of my heart not being in that. But there is also the other part of me seeking a way to rationalize the other direction.

 

Either way I'm going to cause a lot of pain and devastation that I was either too weak to recognize or chose to ignore in the beginning. It feels like a time bomb ticking away.

 

This is classic - that you are waiting for somebody else to make the decision for you. Even if (and I agree with Stamp that it's more of a 'when') this whole thing blows open, you will still be expected to choose. To be honest, you don't sound like you believe your OW is your 'soulmate' or anything, which is the view of some WSs when within the fog. But, neither do you sound as if saving your marriage is your priority. You're floundering and you need to figure yourself out. Nobody else can tell you the answer, but we can tell you, as is blatant to see, you need to stop the affair.

[jennie-jennie]

Nobody else can tell you the answer, but we can tell you, as is blatant to see, you need to stop the affair.

 

What does your IC say about continuing the affair? Is it up to you or does he recommend some kind of action? What about confessing the affair? Has your IC advised you about that?

 

I think you have to give the IC some time. You can't expect to know what to do this quickly. There are issues which make you indecisive and these have to be dealt with first.

[jennie-jennie]

You have probably noticed the power of an affair with a teenage sweetheart. There is nothing like it. Just so you know what you are dealing with. It is called rekindling and there have been studies done about it. The Lost-Love Project is one.

Edited February 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[stampdaddy]

You have probably noticed the power of an affair with a teenage sweetheart. There is nothing like it. Just so you know what you are dealing with. It is called rekindling and there have been studies done about it. The Lost-Love Project is one.

 

what about the "Destroyed Family Project" or the "Kids will never look at Daddy the same Project"?

[PhoenixRise]

What does your IC say about continuing the affair? Is it up to you or does he recommend some kind of action? What about confessing the affair? Has your IC advised you about that?

 

I think you have to give the IC some time. You can't expect to know what to do this quickly. There are issues which make you indecisive and these have to be dealt with first.

 

I disagree with the bolded part.

 

If you are doing something that you KNOW is harmful. You DO NOT have to deal with your issues before you stop the harmful behavior.

 

It is childish in the extreme for you to not make a decision. Would a decision be hard? YES. No matter what you chose you will have a hard road. Changing your life due to divorce? Hard. Reconciling a marriage after infidelity? Hard. But Adults should be able to make hard decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions.

 

If you divorce your children will adjust.

 

Right now they are adjusting to mommy and daddy pretending that a dysfunctional marriage where there is no connection, no love displayed, and daddy sleeps in a separate room, and daddy is emotionally checked out, is the norm.

 

Right now you have options. You could confess the affair and throw yourself into being a good husband and father. Maybe your wife would even respect you more if you came clean. In other words show some integrity.

 

Or you could divorce your wife and work out (through the courts if need be) a custody sharing arraignment and either continue on with your OW or be alone if you want. In other words show some integrity.

 

OR you could continue to avoid the issue and be cowardly and eventually you will be busted, your wife will find out, and you lose any ability to chose anything. Your choices will all be made and probably not in your favor.

[jennie-jennie]

what about the "Destroyed Family Project" or the "Kids will never look at Daddy the same Project"?

 

Glad you are having fun when I am talking about real research projects. Nancy Kalish, the woman behind the study is a Ph.D. and a professor in psychology at University of California. She has been published in many professional journals.

[stampdaddy]

Glad you are having fun when I am talking about real research projects. Nancy Kalish, the woman behind the study is a Ph.D. and a professor in psychology at University of California. She has been published in many professional journals.

 

ahem... I am NOT having fun, thank you! Just making a point to the OP. NOT saying anything about you or your post, so sorry if you took it that way....

[White Flower]

Background: Its a the same old worn out story. Married 9 years. 3 children. I cheated. I've had an affair going on 6 monts with a childhood friend and teenage lover that I happened to reconnect with. This is a full blown physical, emotional affair that has gotten serious.

 

Previously I was going through the motions of marriage, but failed to do anything to change that to try and make it better, and instead took the easy way out for fulfillment and had the affair. Once it started I completely detached from spouse. I have been sleeping separately, no sex, no nothing. Gaslighting, the whole nine yards.

 

At this point its time to fish or cut bait. I can't continue down the road I'm on.

 

I have started IC and I"m not sure its a great deal of help. In the fog of an affair its very difficult to see clearly and to think rationally. By nature I avoid conflict (cowardly I know), yet I know this is at a point where I have to do something.

 

Because of that fog I really can only foresee attempting to continue on with my marriage for reasons other than being with my current spouse. These are the children, finances, and seeing it as less ugly than a split. I am not sure I could honestly deal with what it would take to reconcile. I found my marriage restrictive and oppressive before, I can't imagine after the knowledge I had an affair coming to light.

 

On the other hand not trying to save the marriage breaks my heart for the sake my children. I know what's done is done (the affair), but leaving smacks of abandoning them (yes probably should have thought of this beforehand), and i'm not sure about living with that guilt forever. And the spectre of my life w/out them on a regular basis is quite disconcerting to me.

 

It seems like i'm about like every other WS i read about. Basically they can never make up their mind and are always looking for something to rationalize staying witht he OW, something that makes it "OK", even in the face of other dissenting advice.

 

The clock keeps ticking and I keep finding ways to avoid the whole ugly mess.

I bolded some key points about you and your current beliefs.

 

1. You already know you have a hard time making decisions.

 

2. Reconciling in light of an A would almost be impossible, besides, do you even love your W enough to reconcile?

 

3. You somehow see D as abandoning your children. FALSE! You are NOT abandoning your children if you D. Look at all the D families around you, are those children abandoned? I don't think so.

 

4. I never once heard you say that OW is the love of your life. Is she? If not, this could be an exit affair. You may well not end up with either woman but could still be looking for Ms. Right down the road.

 

In light of all the possible outcomes, what does tbone want? What would make him happiest? Understanding that you have a hard time making decisions it might be hard to answer the question.

 

Do your children see you laugh? Do you laugh more with OW? or with W? If so, are your children the priority while you ignore your own happiness? There must be a balance but oftentimes a parent will put their kids' happiness above there own and this is when there seems to be no other recourse but to find yourself involved in affairs, alcoholism, or something to fill the void.

 

But remember, as long as tbone is happy everyone in his life will be happy.

 

You need to know yourself (IC will help you become self-aware) and decide how to proceed.

 

Good luck.

[tbone]

Wow, lots of good points, thank you.

 

Here is the thing. I agreed to do a session of MC with the wife. I realized that it was a waste of time with the affair still going on. So I requested to meet individually with the therapist. I have done that once. He stresses that I need to come clean. He will not see us as a couple anymore unless I do so. So in some sense my hand will be forced. I have another session scheduled alone, but after that I have to come clean.

 

As for the OW being the love of my life? It certainly feels like it when we are together. There is a real connection. It goes back a long ways. But i'm also realistic. OUr time together is limited and so we see each other at our very best. Part of our world is fantasy.

 

And yes. I fully admit that I cannot make a decision. I realize how weak and cowardly it is. But I realize at this point there is no turning back and I'm on a collision course. I just don't know how to proceed.

 

And I know its not abandoning my children per se, but the bottom line is daddy made a choice that makes it impossible for him to be there for them everyday. That is a difficult thing for me to grasp. Not to mention their mother threatens me on a regular basis on how she would handle this. It won't be pretty.

 

In terms of my feelings for the W? They don't exist. I killed them off while engaging in the affair. The were on life support before. The question is could I get that feeling back (if she wanted to try)? Its been a long, long time. But admittedly I did nothing to correct that before the affair. I will say that what I have done will crush her totally. And as dispicable as I am that is disconcerting to me (sounds silly as I have chosen to do this). Not so much because I love her, but more the conflict avoidance part of me that will realize how much pain and devastation I have caused another human being.

[Samantha0905]

[/b]

 

it IS a time bomb ticking away..... be sure of that. And WHEN it blows (notice I said "when" and not "if"?) EVERYBODY will be collatoral damage in some shape or fashion....

 

I am assuming that your Affair is still on going? Well, it needs to STOP!! Right now, today! PERIOD!!! You need to get your head straight (not your heart). Do not "romaticize" this right now. You have a duty to your family, even if it is getting a Divorce, but my man, YOU OWE THEM THIS MUCH.

 

thats all for now, good luck

 

I like this advice.

 

I didn't want to stop seeing my XAP, even though we broke it off several times going back and forth. The last time he broke it off, I also started thinking it very well is the best thing for both of us. We haven't contacted each other. Has it been difficult? Well, yes -- very much so. However, I am married and I have a family. They deserve more than the way I've been behaving. My marriage will either work out or it won't, but at least I don't have the affair hanging over my head now to make me feel extremely guilty for not even trying. There's no way to try to fix your marriage while in the affair. Period. Your IC will go much better if you're not having an affair also.

 

I agree with stampdaddy -- you do, at the very least, owe your wife and children that much.

 

 

 

As for the OW being the love of my life? It certainly feels like it when we are together. There is a real connection. It goes back a long ways. But i'm also realistic. OUr time together is limited and so we see each other at our very best. Part of our world is fantasy.

 

I'd venture to say most of it is fantasy.

 

And yes. I fully admit that I cannot make a decision. I realize how weak and cowardly it is. But I realize at this point there is no turning back and I'm on a collision course. I just don't know how to proceed.

 

Just make the decision and put a stop to it for now.

 

And I know its not abandoning my children per se, but the bottom line is daddy made a choice that makes it impossible for him to be there for them everyday. That is a difficult thing for me to grasp. Not to mention their mother threatens me on a regular basis on how she would handle this. It won't be pretty.

 

Why is she threatening you? Does she suspect something? My children are adults now. I can't imagine not having been there with them every day as they were growing up. It would certainly be a very difficult decision to make and very difficult to handle.

 

In terms of my feelings for the W? They don't exist. I killed them off while engaging in the affair. The were on life support before. The question is could I get that feeling back (if she wanted to try)? Its been a long, long time. But admittedly I did nothing to correct that before the affair. I will say that what I have done will crush her totally. And as dispicable as I am that is disconcerting to me (sounds silly as I have chosen to do this). Not so much because I love her, but more the conflict avoidance part of me that will realize how much pain and devastation I have caused another human being.

 

I had an affair and have chosen not to tell my husband. It's over now. There are a lot of varying opinions here as to whether someone should confess or not. I'm passing on delivering that blow. I've done enough to hurt our marriage already.

 

At the very least, you could go to MC with your wife and figure out whether the two of you can rebuild your relationship.

[White Flower]

Wow, lots of good points, thank you.

 

Here is the thing. I agreed to do a session of MC with the wife. I realized that it was a waste of time with the affair still going on. So I requested to meet individually with the therapist. I have done that once. He stresses that I need to come clean. He will not see us as a couple anymore unless I do so. So in some sense my hand will be forced. I have another session scheduled alone, but after that I have to come clean.

tbone with your history of being indecisive I have a hard time with the fact that your counselor wants to force your hand so quickly. You obviously like to think things through before acting and since you feel you didn't do that before embarking on the A doesn't your counselor feel that you should take time with THIS decision?

 

 

As for the OW being the love of my life? It certainly feels like it when we are together. There is a real connection. It goes back a long ways. But i'm also realistic. OUr time together is limited and so we see each other at our very best. Part of our world is fantasy.

Does your OW know about your counseling? Does she give you any input? Does she say that she wants you fully in her life? Can she help you make a decision? I ask because I know it is hard to find that 'real connection'.

 

And yes. I fully admit that I cannot make a decision. I realize how weak and cowardly it is. But I realize at this point there is no turning back and I'm on a collision course. I just don't know how to proceed.

Again, what does your heart want? Your head can deal with everything later.

And I know its not abandoning my children per se, but the bottom line is daddy made a choice that makes it impossible for him to be there for them everyday. That is a difficult thing for me to grasp. Not to mention their mother threatens me on a regular basis on how she would handle this. It won't be pretty.

I understand this concept fully as my MM is dealing with the same aspect with regard to his W's threats. I wish there was a magic wand to wave over you and make you braver. I suppose you need to believe the prize is worth the struggle.

In terms of my feelings for the W? They don't exist. I killed them off while engaging in the affair. They were on life support before. The question is could I get that feeling back (if she wanted to try)? Its been a long, long time. But admittedly I did nothing to correct that before the affair. I will say that what I have done will crush her totally. And as dispicable as I am that is disconcerting to me (sounds silly as I have chosen to do this). Not so much because I love her, but more the conflict avoidance part of me that will realize how much pain and devastation I have caused another human being.

It appears you have taken all the blame for the 'death' of feelings for you W by having the A. But don't you think she had a role in killing those feelings before you had the A? True, you could have tried communication or counseling but I'm sure she owns part of what happened that lead up to your ensuing A.

 

Men tend to take so much blame after an A. If you could take that part out of it and analyze it once more you may find it easier to make a decision. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel guilty at all, but at least try to look at it temporarily without the guilt and see if it helps.

[moaningmyrtle]

Your counselor probably cannot in all good conscience attempt to counsel you as a couple without you "coming clean". It may even be in the code of conduct. If a counselor counsels 2 people together it would probably be a gross breach of duty of care if the counselor knows of the betrayal and deception of one of the clients.

 

On the other hand your counselor is probably willing to continue to counsel you as an individual and will merely 'advise' you to tell.

 

You can probably see another counselor who will take you on, as a couple, but if you reveal your A (privately to the counselor) then you may well run up against the same problem again. If you don't want to admit the A you will probably need to mislead any counselor that sees you as a couple.

[White Flower]

tbone, have you told the counselor that you indeed want to save the M? conversely, have you told him you need help on yourself first to help you discover what you want? Given that you are so indecisive I would suggest you work on yourself for a while until you really know what you want, THEN get MC if that is your preferred course of action. You might switch counselors if he can't see that. BTW, not all counselors will coerce you to admit the A for what it's worth.

[tbone]

Wife knows about my counseling, because I had to withdraw from MC for the time being.

 

I will see the IC this week. He has offered a session to be there himself for the revelation the following week. Maybe I will do that. At that point there is no turning back.

[tbone]

tbone, have you told the counselor that you indeed want to save the M? conversely, have you told him you need help on yourself first to help you discover what you want? Given that you are so indecisive I would suggest you work on yourself for a while until you really know what you want, THEN get MC if that is your preferred course of action. You might switch counselors if he can't see that. BTW, not all counselors will coerce you to admit the A for what it's worth.

 

I have not told him i want to save the marriage. I have told him I don't know what to do. I see him privately, and i will say he leans heavily towards pro-marriage imo.

[stillafool]

I don't think you can stop loving the OW and as you said it goes back a long time. You can fool yourself but you know your marriage is over. The only thing you can do is be there for your children. Your wife deserves to be with the "love of her life" also and you need to move on so she can make room for him. You have a hard road ahead of you and you may as well get started by coming clean with your wife. You know it is inevitable that she will find out so start the process now. I hope your OW isn't married but if she is, will she get a divorce?

[Jeff1962]

Wether you wish to save your marriage or not, your wife does deserve to know the truth so that she can make up her own mind given ALL the facts.

 

You are not a coward. You made a mistake and now you live with it, fix it or live with it and continue on.

[tbone]

Wether you wish to save your marriage or not, your wife does deserve to know the truth so that she can make up her own mind given ALL the facts.

 

You are not a coward. You made a mistake and now you live with it, fix it or live with it and continue on.

 

Thanks, but I was cowardly in not addressing the issues in our marriage first, and then have compounded the issue with a slew of lies and the inability to come clean for the past 6 months why my spouse has had to deal with the uncertainty.

 

I have to do something. Emotionally and physically I"m breaking down under the weight of this.