indecisive coward

[jennie-jennie]

Oh great! He moves out of the bedroom, leaving a "clear" indication that something is wrong. All while he is banging someone else, he leaves it up to her to figure out just what that might be? And the children, seeing dad move out of the bedroom from mommy. Gee, let's see.. What picture does this paint, when they are at sleepovers and they see other mommy and daddys in the same bedroom, or at least, other mommy and daddys that are divorced.. It is stupid to think that this is OK, and just because he is in IC and MC lying his ass off will make it right. Good Lord

 

And where did you read that he was "lying his ass off" in IC and MC?

[stampdaddy]

And where did you read that he was "lying his ass off" in IC and MC?

 

Does his wife know about the affair???? yes or no?!?

 

Does his wife know what ths "issues" are??? yes or no?!?

[jennie-jennie]

But she doesn't know what is wrong and this is why she asked for MC

 

No Jennie.

 

His wife asked for MC. He changed it to an IC session where he confessed the affair to the counselor. NOW he is feeling the pressure because the MC/IC said he will not see them as a couple if he doesn't confess the affair. He now has to figure out what to tell his wife about why they can't see this counselor OR he has to confess.

 

OK, I apparently missed that his wife was the one who asked for the MC. Still, tbone could have just gone along with it without asking for IC and without confessing the affair to the counselor.

[jennie-jennie]

Does his wife know about the affair???? yes or no?!?

 

Does his wife know what ths "issues" are??? yes or no?!?

 

If you go and check out the thread "To tell or not", you will find that there are legitimate reasons why it might be better for the WS not to tell while the affair is still ongoing.

[PhoenixRise]

OK, I apparently missed that his wife was the one who asked for the MC. Still, tbone could have just gone along with it without asking for IC and without confessing the affair to the counselor.

 

True he could have.

 

But if he has a problem and he is acknowledging that he is cowardly and selfish, and afraid.

 

What good does it do him to keep saying this if he doesn't stop the behavior?

 

Here is my take and the stance I took with my H. Yes you may have issues (and he did, the issues were legitimate) BUT you don't get to use your issues as an excuse to hurt me. You are in pain and I will help you, BUT you don't get to make me your emotional punching bag in the process.

 

Tbone knows that he is confused, hurting, afraid, wants out of the M? Whatever he is feeling is NOT an excuse for him deliberately harming his wife. He can stop the behavior NOW and work out his issues on his own time.

[PhoenixRise]

If you go and check out the thread "To tell or not", you will find that there are legitimate reasons why it might be better for the WS not to tell while the affair is still ongoing.

 

 

Jennie

 

I think there are lots of excuses for a WS not to tell. But no legitimate reasons.

 

AND

 

Jennie I want to ask a question but it might fit better in the tell or not to tell thread. Going to post it there.

Edited March 2, 2010 by PhoenixRise

[whichwayisup]

Of course that is a fear. So is losing my children. Ridiculous as it sounds since I'm the one who made the choice to put myself in this position.

 

Breaking it off sounds easy, but it only sounds easy.

 

But don't you realize by cheating and going about it this way IS worse than just being flat out honest with your wife? How long do you intend on living this stressful, lying and deceiving life?

 

You won't lose your kids..You'll have shared custody.

 

It is ridiculous, you have brought this all on yourself. It isn't easy, but it's something YOU need and have to do. You can't live in limbo like this for much longer. I hope you see this?

[bentnotbroken]

Come on, guys, you know better than that. This man is beating himself up. I don't believe for a minute that he is "deliberately emotionally abusing his wife". He probably is "a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated famly man who loves but is not in love with his wife". That is likely the problem. Once again "doing the right thing" versus the emotional self.

 

 

What part of his post did you miss? The one where he says he is trying to destroy the marriage or the one where he said he is digging deeper into the A. Get real. He's no coward. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is abusing her emotionally. He is messing with her mental health and emotional security. That's crap!

[whichwayisup]

Come on, guys, you know better than that. This man is beating himself up. I don't believe for a minute that he is "deliberately emotionally abusing his wife". He probably is "a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated famly man who loves but is not in love with his wife". That is likely the problem. Once again "doing the right thing" versus the emotional self.

 

Are we reading the same thread? He's gaslighting her JJ. How is he an unselfish, great guy? If he was UNselfish, he wouldn't be cheating, he wouldn't be doing this at all. He would be doing everything he can to communicate with his wife, and be honest with her.

[SarahRose]

If you go and check out the thread "To tell or not", you will find that there are legitimate reasons why it might be better for the WS not to tell while the affair is still ongoing.

 

jennie, the only reason you are defending this rubbish is because you are eye-ball deep in an affair with a married man. You want to believe your affair partner is a wonder loving man and not some mean cowardly liar. Hearing the OP fess up to deliberately hurting his wife must plant a seed of doubt in you and that maybe just maybe your married man isn't all that nice either.

 

Really if your affair was all glowing and roses like you claim, you wouldn't even be on here posting about it at all. You'd be off in happy bliss with your cheating man.

[SarahRose]

To the OP, your story is no different than any other married person having an affair.

 

You are very willing to hurt your spouse in order to spare yourself some hurt and embarrassment.

 

Grow a pair and fess up to what you have done.

[jennie-jennie]

jennie, the only reason you are defending this rubbish is because you are eye-ball deep in an affair with a married man. You want to believe your affair partner is a wonder loving man and not some mean cowardly liar. Hearing the OP fess up to deliberately hurting his wife must plant a seed of doubt in you and that maybe just maybe your married man isn't all that nice either.

 

Really if your affair was all glowing and roses like you claim, you wouldn't even be on here posting about it at all. You'd be off in happy bliss with your cheating man.

 

I am with a man who is in need of therapy for a minimum of two years to heal the split within him. That can be pretty hard on the ones affected by his issues, whether they are his wife or his OW. Thus I post on this forum.

 

I KNOW my affair partner is "a wonder loving man and not some mean cowardly liar". But I saw the question mark at the end of the OP's remark about deliberately hurting his wife, and that made me question whether his remark was another of his statements putting himself down instead of really stating the truth.

[whichwayisup]

But I saw the question mark at the end of the OP's remark about deliberately hurting his wife, and that made me question whether his remark was another of his statements putting himself down instead of really stating the truth.

 

His opening post is pretty honest and heart felt. Didn't seem to waiver or question himself at all.

[jennie-jennie]

His opening post is pretty honest and heart felt. Didn't seem to waiver or question himself at all.

 

And the title of his thread says it all: He is guilt ridden and puts himself down.

[whichwayisup]

Yet his words, all that he's written actually DO say alot more than the title of his thread. It backs up his theory that he IS a coward and indecisive.

 

I'm not sure as to why you seem to be comparing this guy to your MM. I could be wrong, but that is what it seems like.

[SarahRose]

Yet his words, all that he's written actually DO say alot more than the title of his thread. It backs up his theory that he IS a coward and indecisive.

 

I'm not sure as to why you seem to be comparing this guy to your MM. I could be wrong, but that is what it seems like.

 

She is comparing them. It is a psychological defense mechanism.

 

She'll wake up when she gets thrown under the bus one day by her indecisive coward.

[tbone]

are you kidding?? Look, he KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS that his wife is losing her mind. he KNOWS his kids are suffering from all of this. he KNOWS this isnt "right", and yet, he doesnt do a damn thing about it except whine like a little girl on this site about what a coward he is.. Poor, poor baby!!

 

I agree. What I am doing is cruel and unfair to my spouse. No denying it. My kids? They deserve something different, but I stop short of saying they are suffering. No question as a result of my actions they will though.

 

Yes I whine on this site. Irregardless of the insults, and the obvious solutions presented I am still conflicted on what to do and it helps me to "verbalize" my feelings somewhere.

[scatterd]

I think you should verbalize to your wife your cheating and been punishing her for it.She deserves a man that will treat her and your children good.How long did it take to build up to this well it will continue to happen and it will be your OW she has no clue as your wife did not.I feel for your children and wife and some day you might have big regrets.You are unworthy of deserving love when you mentally abuse your family.come on your personally sabotaging.How would you feel if that was you sister,mother or children that was having that done to them.The wife is she saying I dont understand what have I done?Do one thing good tell her.Maybe everything will come to light

for you too.

[tbone]

But she doesn't know what is wrong and this is why she asked for MC

 

No Jennie.

 

His wife asked for MC. He changed it to an IC session where he confessed the affair to the counselor. NOW he is feeling the pressure because the MC/IC said he will not see them as a couple if he doesn't confess the affair. He now has to figure out what to tell his wife about why they can't see this counselor OR he has to confess.

 

I made choices that I knew would force my hand. I know i have issues. What i have done is set into motion the reality that this issue will be addressed. I consciously did it. That way I cannot avoid it any longer. There are times I regret it, but I can't run from it anymore.

[scatterd]

Why are you so affraid the damage is done you can let her off the hook by being honest.Who knows she might forgive you but you need to say buy to the OW now.What made you hate your wife so bad?

[jennie-jennie]

Yet his words, all that he's written actually DO say alot more than the title of his thread. It backs up his theory that he IS a coward and indecisive.

 

I'm not sure as to why you seem to be comparing this guy to your MM. I could be wrong, but that is what it seems like.

 

Indecisive yes, coward no. I am not comparing him to my MM, I am just telling it as I see it. We all see patterns in these extramarital relationships, I am telling the one I see, I might be right, I might be wrong, just telling what I see.

 

I have experienced the force of rekindled love though. I am drawing from that experience, and know the strength of the pull tbone is experiencing.

Edited March 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree. What I am doing is cruel and unfair to my spouse. No denying it.

I may have missed it, but nowhere do I see any clarification of what your wife thinks is happening to her marriage. Why does she think you're sleeping in the other bedroom? What reason does she suppose explains your absenses? What the heck does she think is going on?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jennie-jennie]

I made choices that I knew would force my hand. I know i have issues. What i have done is set into motion the reality that this issue will be addressed. I consciously did it. That way I cannot avoid it any longer. There are times I regret it, but I can't run from it anymore.

 

Clearly not the actions of a coward. And for those of you who like to compare tbone to my MM, tbone is much braver and much more honest. My MM is still sleeping in the same bed as his wife and has not set into motion anything like the above.

[Mr. Lucky]

You have probably noticed the power of an affair with a teenage sweetheart. There is nothing like it. Just so you know what you are dealing with. It is called rekindling and there have been studies done about it. The Lost-Love Project is one.

Sounds like the kind of thing every cheater says to rationalize the affair. Afte all, who could resist a love with so much "power" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[scatterd]

Having been in this kind of thing I took it personal as though something was wrong with me.I cried alot alone I did not understand what I did to deserve this.It is horrible I dont know how she functions to take care of her self let alone her kids.I have lost 50 I dont eat I am sick physically.I bet she hurts and knows hes cheating and wants to have proof for her own sanity.That is my guess am I right T-bone or does she hide it?

Edited March 2, 2010 by scatterd