indecisive coward

[Hop_prophet]

How is this guy being singled out for emotional abuse and why did this thread take such a turn? IMO any form of cheating is emotional abuse and is clearly intentional. What is he doing different from any other cheater?

 

At least he admits his wrongdoing and is seeking help which is a lot better than all the rationalizing I see on this site all the time. I agree he needs to man up and tell or just leave her. I don't think he can contain it much longer and he won't be able to move on with his life until he lets it out.

[tbone]

I may have missed it, but nowhere do I see any clarification of what your wife thinks is happening to her marriage. Why does she think you're sleeping in the other bedroom? What reason does she suppose explains your absenses? What the heck does she think is going on?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Believe it or not, sometimes the wayward spouse doesn't entirely rewrite history. There have been a variety of issues in our marriage, including times where: a)sex was nonexistant b) we slept separately for periods of time, etc. So our current arrangement is not necessarily without precedent, however the lenth of time it has gone on (6 months) is. I will say that previously I did little to remedy our problems either. I just looked for ways to escape or avoid the real issues.

 

So, I think she has been convinced this is just an extension of one of those "rough spots". And that sooner or later we will emerge from it. Deep down what does she think? Obviously I'm sure she is suspicious and deeply concerned. But she is being lied to and wants to believe the best, that's human nature for some even in the face of the obvious.

 

I don't find my situation unique or special. I said originally it is the same old worn out story, rather cliche from everything i've read here. I know I won't find THE answer here, but I do find real value in the various opinions in helping me to construct some sense of everything that is clouding my mind. And for what its worth it is an opportunity for me to again say everything that is on my chest in a non-threatening forum (relatively) before that happens for real.

[Brokenlady]

tbone,

what are you looking for here? Your story is not all that different from the many other MM who come through here, and not all that different from my xDM either. I told him all the things everyone has told you here (choose or you will lose th ability to choose, you will get caught, get into IC, it's cruel to lead your W on if you want out, it's cruel to lead your OW on if you want to stay, etc.) but you know what? He couldn't hear a darn word of it until he was ready to. And by then, it was too late.

 

He got busted, stuck around for another year despite promises to me to leave. I left him several times because I was hurting so badly in the face of his inaction, but every time he came after me and convinced me to stick around a little longer. Like you, he said his marriage was oppressive and his xW is abusive.

 

Then he did eventually leave. His xW filed for divorce, against his will, but he let it proceed and signed off on finalization. He needed her to make the decision to "absolve" him of the decision to divorce, and the guilt associated therein. But still he felt guilty and couldn't set boundaries with her despite his decision to exit. And I left again many times. He kept trying to have it both ways and felt overwhelmed by guilt (that's what straddling the fence does for you). And he lost us both. And his kids resent the hell out of him for jerking mommy around (mixed signals, dicussion about coming back and then not doing it, floundering for all the wrong reasons, etc). Pretty much the only thing going for him now is that he feels glad to be away from his xW, but he remains plagued with guilt. And he is suffering it alone because he ruined our relationship by being so selfish. I think he may have sabotaged our relatioship just to deal with his guilt. Think about it. Think hard.

[scatterd]

BL good post could not of explained much better.He will lose them both and alot more.come out be honest It feels better you are already inn a mess but one lie leads to another lie untill no one has any respect or trust left.Why leave in such a bad way you will not have good comunacation apart when it comes to the kids also because of this.

[fooled once]

I disagree with the bolded part.

 

If you are doing something that you KNOW is harmful. You DO NOT have to deal with your issues before you stop the harmful behavior.

 

It is childish in the extreme for you to not make a decision. Would a decision be hard? YES. No matter what you chose you will have a hard road. Changing your life due to divorce? Hard. Reconciling a marriage after infidelity? Hard. But Adults should be able to make hard decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions.

 

If you divorce your children will adjust.

 

Right now they are adjusting to mommy and daddy pretending that a dysfunctional marriage where there is no connection, no love displayed, and daddy sleeps in a separate room, and daddy is emotionally checked out, is the norm.

 

Right now you have options. You could confess the affair and throw yourself into being a good husband and father. Maybe your wife would even respect you more if you came clean. In other words show some integrity.

 

Or you could divorce your wife and work out (through the courts if need be) a custody sharing arraignment and either continue on with your OW or be alone if you want. In other words show some integrity.

 

OR you could continue to avoid the issue and be cowardly and eventually you will be busted, your wife will find out, and you lose any ability to chose anything. Your choices will all be made and probably not in your favor.

 

Fantastic post! It always amazes me at the lack of personal responsibility people take and how many people have no problems starting affairs, but making a decision? Almost as if you are asking them to perform a perfect heart transplant!

 

OWN your mistakes and FIX them, if you can.

 

Not making a decision means you are a cake eater/fence sitter. Means you want someone else to be the 'bad guy' or you are just too much of a coward to clean up the mess you created. Why should the OW stop the affair YOU started? Why should your wife divorce you when she may not even KNOW you have been cheating and continue to cheat?

 

Why not OWN it and deal with it?

[MizzBlue72]

Even no decision is a decision.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I won't find THE answer here, but I do find real value in the various opinions in helping me to construct some sense of everything that is clouding my mind. And for what its worth it is an opportunity for me to again say everything that is on my chest in a non-threatening forum (relatively) before that happens for real.

Out of curiosity, what do you see as the best possible outcome from your present situation? If things were to go your way, who would you be with and what would you be doing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tbone]

I wish I could tell you what I thought was the BEST outcome.

 

I see a few scenarios, all of which I view as suboptimal.

 

1) Confess and for lack of knowing what to do commit to trying to rebuild the M. Would my heart be in it? I don't know.

 

2) Confess and admit that I am not sure I can do what it takes to rebuild the M, likely split. I worry about the potential regret and guilt.

 

I know all of these scenarios are about ME, and that's not really fair. But that is where I'm at right now.

[Brokenlady]

I wish I could tell you what I thought was the BEST outcome.

 

I see a few scenarios, all of which I view as suboptimal.

 

1) Confess and for lack of knowing what to do commit to trying to rebuild the M. Would my heart be in it? I don't know.

 

2) Confess and admit that I am not sure I can do what it takes to rebuild the M, likely split. I worry about the potential regret and guilt.

 

I know all of these scenarios are about ME, and that's not really fair. But that is where I'm at right now.

 

This is the honest answer. I don't think anyone here would advise you to lie to your W that you're going to put in 100% if you don't think you can, let alone want to. When you are honest, you give your W a chance to have a say in the decision, and you owe her that. She may not want to reconcile knowing you are unsure (and you get the easy out you seem to be hoping for), but it's statistically unlikely. You may in finally having a "real" conversation with her find that you can muster the motivation afterall, or get confirmation that you cannot muster the motivation. Either way, then you have your direction.

 

You have to make a decision to stay and work or not as a couple. You may have regrets about the choices you make as a couple, but it is not solely your responsibility to bear, it is hers too. You "may" have regret with whatever decision you make. If you do nothing, it's more a matter of "will definitely" regret.

 

With honesty, you stand a chance of salvaging your integrity and self-respect, and salvaging the respect of others. Even if it doesn't work out with whatever path you choose, you will be able to look yourself in the mirrror and move on having learned and grown. And that is far better than the likely result of your continued inaction.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Brokenlady

[stampdaddy]

I wish I could tell you what I thought was the BEST outcome.

 

I see a few scenarios, all of which I view as suboptimal.

 

1) Confess and for lack of knowing what to do commit to trying to rebuild the M. Would my heart be in it? I don't know.

 

2) Confess and admit that I am not sure I can do what it takes to rebuild the M, likely split. I worry about the potential regret and guilt.

 

I know all of these scenarios are about ME, and that's not really fair. But that is where I'm at right now.

 

When I was dealing with my sitch, I used the analogy the the WS (you) needs to give the BS (your wife) the big, heavy "brick". It needs to be layed in her lap, or on the table, or however you want to look at it. She needs to be able to start to decide for HERSELF as an active "partner" in a MARRIAGE what is best for her and her marriage. Now does this mean to immediately walk up to her and say, "honey, hi, how was your day? whats for dinner? how are the kids? I have been in an Affair", NO. BUT, she has to be given something to start with, and now she has nothing. YES, you will have to tell her about the affair, and it will have to be in MC (a controlled environment), but dude, you have to give her something and it HAS TO BE NOW!!!! Give her the brick

[tbone]

Stampdaddy and Brokenlady. Thank you. Those two posts made sense to me. I appreciate it very much.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stampdaddy and Brokenlady. Thank you. Those two posts made sense to me. I appreciate it very much.

I think it's interesting that neither of your scenarios even mention the OW, much less what your intentions for her might be. Almost seems as though she's just a diversion that allows you to continue to postpone dealing with the problems in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Brokenlady]

I think it's interesting that neither of your scenarios even mention the OW, much less what your intentions for her might be. Almost seems as though she's just a diversion that allows you to continue to postpone dealing with the problems in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, I think he's on the right track. He should be making a decision about the M as independently as possible from the OW. Whether or not he sees her as a long-term prospect shouldn't matter when it comes to deciding whether to stay in the M and doing the hard work there or cutting bait because the M itself is unbearable. Leaving for the OW is a big mistake - the merits of the marraige itself is what needs to be considered here. If he divorces and the OW happens to be around, that's a bonus, but it shouldn't affectthe decision about the M itself.

[bentnotbroken]

There's a 4th scenario, maybe not the most honest, but may be the best for damage control and offer the least amount of pain to your wife (who you still can't seem to consider here.), and less like a bad guy to your children.

 

Decide on your own if you can continue the marriage. If you cannot give 100%, with counseling or no counseling, why delay the inevitable? If you cannot continue, be honest with the wife that you cannot. You are already hurting your wife, why make it worse by revealing the affair? If you are not leaving your wife for the other woman, why add insult to injury? Of course, this assumes that you are 1. NOT leaving the marriage for the other woman and 2. That you are willing to end the affair, even if only temporarily.

 

Yes, this is not the most honest solution, but may be the least hurtful one.

 

 

Least hurtful for him. How can living a lie not hurt his BS? This is still about covering his azz. It is still a punk move. His wife deserves to decide for herself if she wants to stay with a liar and cheat. And she needs to be tested for STD's. If he was big enough boy to wag his penis in someone else, he should be big enough boy to handle the consequences.

[tbone]

You're assuming that he has any consideration for his wife. I haven't seen anywhere here that he really does. It seems more like his "confession" is not for her benefit, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a liar and a cheat, but it's just to get it off his chest. It's STILL all about him.

 

I didn't think about the std's though. I didn't consider that he'd be stupid and unthoughtful enough to expose his wife to disease. Hopefully he used protection.

 

She has not been exposed.

[tbone]

I think it's interesting that neither of your scenarios even mention the OW, much less what your intentions for her might be. Almost seems as though she's just a diversion that allows you to continue to postpone dealing with the problems in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Believe me I consider the OW in some fashion as part of this. That's part of the folly in these affairs. It starts to become impossible to make decisions without comingling everything.

 

As much as I want to believe that ending the M would not be as a result of the affair, I'm not sure that is entirely true. I think as much as I thought of being out of my M the A has hastened that decision.

[bentnotbroken]

You're assuming that he has any consideration for his wife. I haven't seen anywhere here that he really does. It seems more like his "confession" is not for her benefit, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a liar and a cheat, but it's just to get it off his chest. It's STILL all about him.

 

I didn't think about the std's though. I didn't consider that he'd be stupid and unthoughtful enough to expose his wife to disease. Hopefully he used protection.

 

 

Even if that is the truth that it is still about only him, which I don't doubt. If with that as the reason for him telling, she should have a say in her own life. Trust me I don't assume anything with people who chose to cheat. My mind doesn't work that way.

[Brokenlady]

Believe me I consider the OW in some fashion as part of this. That's part of the folly in these affairs. It starts to become impossible to make decisions without comingling everything.

 

As much as I want to believe that ending the M would not be as a result of the affair, I'm not sure that is entirely true. I think as much as I thought of being out of my M the A has hastened that decision.

 

Sometimes affairs have a way of highlighting serious problems in marriages that are not repairable. When someone finally gets their needs met elsewhere, it is hard to "unknow" that happiness is possible - somewhere else. I'm in no way saying that's always the case, nor even in this situation, but it is a possibility.

 

It is possible to seperate whether you want to try to reconcile your marraige and whether you believe its even possible from whether you want to be with your OW.

 

Despite what other posters have said, I'm not getting the impression he is thinking of confessing for the "wrong" reasons. It is a step. And any step in any direction is a good thing, better than fence sitting.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Brokenlady

[Brokenlady]

I know others on the board have advocated leaving the OW out of the decision, but I'm not sure you can "confess" and leave her out of it. Nice in theory, not so much in practice.

 

It is possible when confessing is for the sake of confessing - regaining integrity and honesty. The decision to confess in no way implies that a decison has been made about which path to follow, and is really a way to facilitate the decsion-making process with all the players knowedgeable of what is going on and able to also make their own decisions as a result. As posters have been quick to point out - it's not all about him, and both women deserve to know he's unsure. He can discuss options with one or both of them if either wishes to continue in a relationship with him and have a more informed choice. They also get the benefit of making their decisions in the open, not in the vacuum of deceit he's been living.

[tbone]

Thanks for this clarification, tbone. Is your affair partner married as well? If not, does she have expectations about the relationship with you? Again, did you seek the affair because of the unhappiness in the marriage, or did you become unbearably happy in the marriage because of the affair?

 

This does indeed confuse things. There is the possibility that the current OW may have some involvement in your kid's lives in the future should you divorce and continue your relationship. Have you considered that? Are you comfortable with that? Is the OW comfortable with that?

 

These are also questions your wife may ask if told about the affair. Have you thought these things through?

 

I know others on the board have advocated leaving the OW out of the decision, but I'm not sure you can "confess" and leave her out of it. Nice in theory, not so much in practice.

 

 

AP is single. She has expectations.I sought the affair when unhappy with my marriage, but no question this has made that dissatisfaction more heightened. I am completely at ease wtih OW having relationship with my kids and she is comfortable with that as well.

[stampdaddy]

AP is single. She has expectations.I sought the affair when unhappy with my marriage, but no question this has made that dissatisfaction more heightened. I am completely at ease wtih OW having relationship with my kids and she is comfortable with that as well.

 

I dare you to print out what you just wrote and show it to your wife.....

 

your poor wife....

[whichwayisup]

I am completely at ease wtih OW having relationship with my kids and she is comfortable with that as well.

 

Your kids will probably not feel as warm and fuzzy about HER like you do, let alone your wife. I highly doubt your wife will be OK allowing the OW to play stepmom, especially if you divorce and move in with the OW right away. It would be pretty selfish and cruel of you to make your kids have to deal with the OW so quickly after having their lives turned upside down.

[tbone]

Your kids will probably not feel as warm and fuzzy about HER like you do, let alone your wife. I highly doubt your wife will be OK allowing the OW to play stepmom, especially if you divorce and move in with the OW right away. It would be pretty selfish and cruel of you to make your kids have to deal with the OW so quickly after having their lives turned upside down.

 

I realize it would be neither healthy or that simple. And I wouldn't do that right away.

[stillafool]

I wish I could tell you what I thought was the BEST outcome.

 

I see a few scenarios, all of which I view as suboptimal.

 

1) Confess and for lack of knowing what to do commit to trying to rebuild the M. Would my heart be in it? I don't know.

 

2) Confess and admit that I am not sure I can do what it takes to rebuild the M, likely split. I worry about the potential regret and guilt.

 

I know all of these scenarios are about ME, and that's not really fair. But that is where I'm at right now.

 

 

What about the OW? You are leaving her out of the equasion. Doesn't she deserve any thought in this? Afterall, isn't she the one you are in love with and you are not in love with your wife.

[tbone]

What about the OW? You are leaving her out of the equasion. Doesn't she deserve any thought in this? Afterall, isn't she the one you are in love with and you are not in love with your wife.

 

That is part of the problem. As much as you want to separate the two issues, they become intertwined no matter how much you try to avoid it.

 

I had problems in my marriage. No doubt. Would I ever leave or divorce? Definite possibility. Would it be the same time frame or with the same urgency? Doubtful?

 

Does this way cause a lot more devastation? Absolutely.

Edited March 4, 2010 by tbone