indecisive coward

[stampdaddy]

I hear you on the counselor saying its is possible. I wonder the same thing when I read the marriage books. I am always asking myself if this information is real or just to sell more books. But certainly there are examples of recovery from this.

 

Will I always have a hankerin'? I've resisted any hankerin' I ever had for 9 years. Then I gave in. I'd like to tell you that I am not that type but my actions speak louder than words in reality.

 

14.5 hours to go. Little of the clarity I desire to know what to say. I feel like I'm leading a lamb to the slaughter tomorrow.

 

Who's the lamb?

[tbone]

Who's the lamb?

 

The wife.

 

she's the lamb.

[bentnotbroken]

The wife.

 

she's the lamb.

 

 

You're mistaken, you are the lamb. You are about to slaughter the facade that you have in place.

[BB07]

Tbone, I've been following the thread with interest and I can't help but feel for you in your plight. You've caused pain to yourself, the BS and the OW and you've got yourself into one heck of a mess and you seem understandably very confused as to what you really want.

 

Hopefully a year from now you can come back and tell us that you and your family and the OW are in a better place and healing regardless of which way this ends up.

[stampdaddy]

who's the shepard?

[bentnotbroken]

who's the shepard?

 

 

I don't know who the shepard is, you are the Shemp.

[stampdaddy]

I don't know who the shepard is, you are the Shemp.

 

oh, I am the Shempard.. car3e for some "Shempard's Pie?"

[tbone]

12 hours and i'm going to bed soon.

 

Please share your last thoughts. Thanks all for your help.

[stampdaddy]

12 hours and i'm going to bed soon.

 

Please share your last thoughts. Thanks all for your help.

 

Be a man... Be a father. Be HONEST. and keep telling yourself that your wife (cause that is what she is) IS OWED THE TRUTH of what is going on in her life...

 

Good luck, and later, I will share my recipe of Shempard's Pie... (I gotta come up with one first though)

[2sunny]

how did things go - TB?

[White Flower]

My thoughts are with you today tbone. Hope all went smoothly. I hope she didn't fall apart even though I know it's near impossible. Hugs to you both.

[tbone]

Well its done. Thie day didn't go real smooth to begin with. We meet with a therapist privately, and generally it has been in a meeting room at a public library. For obvious reasons the therapist didn't want to meet there for something of this magnitude so we had the meeting at his house.

 

To start with I couldn't find his house. Google maps neglected one turn. So my already heightened anxiety was out of control, and I was angry. Regardless we found it, albeit 30 minutes late.

 

The therapist basically said, Tbone, you have something you want to say to Mrs Tbone? And oddly enough after days of crying I found myself hollow and numb. I just said that I had done some awful things, and had been unfaithful to the vows we made. That the things I had done had caused untold damage to a lot of people and that she had deserved better, and that i was sorry.

 

She initially didn't want to believe what I was saying. So I had to say, "yes, adultery".

 

She initially was as devoid of emotion as I. Then she got angry and left the house and went to the car and told me to find a ride home. After a few minutes she came back in and I got the question that I knew was coming. "What do we do now?"

 

I was honest. I said that I felt the right thing was to try and make this work for our family. But that I was uncertain as to how everything would work out. And that I was really conflicted emotionally.

 

I was pushed hard by the therapist to give a more solid answer. I told him that was the best I could do at that point. I admitted that I had killed a lot of the love for my wife and I would have to hope that I could regain them because the romantic love I felt for her no longer existed.

 

She asked me if I was going to contact the OW again and I agreed I would do my best not to. But I was honest in saying that it would be very difficult for me, but I would do my best to honor that.

 

I got a lot of questions, about when, where, who, etc. I answered everyone of them honestly, even though they were very damaging. I admitted all the times I had lied, that I had told her I loved her, that I had made plans with her, that I had met her children, that we had exchanged gifts, etc.

 

She made some demands, give up the cell phone, delete all email accounts, start wearing my wedding band, make a weekly date with her. I said I would. I know I"m an addict now, but it felt strange to be in that position to give up those things. An dtruthfully the selfish part of me didn't want to do that for her at that time, because I was somewhat devoid of emotional love for her. But I knew that I would have to do those things.

 

Then I was faced with a 45 minute drive home. She became more upset and angry and honestly I had a tough time giving her exactly what she needed. I know that she needed me to say that I would do whatever it takes, whatever she asked, to fix this. The sick thing is that emotionally I am not in a place to do that. As an addict I don't know that I have hit "rock bottom" yet. My feelings for the W are not very strong and it was hard to feel that tenderness towards her as sick as that sounds. Because of that the car ride became ugly on a few occasions.

 

She dropped me off at home and took the babysitter back and then I believe went to meet her parents as she was gone for awhile. When she returned she packed the kids up for a church related trip out of town that she had planned. She continued to escalate and demanded the phone.

 

She then took my cell phone, snapped it in half and threw it in the trash. She took the home phone. She then became rather physical and attacked my genitals. She first punched me in the groin when I wasn't expecting it, and then got on top of me and tried to squeeze, rip, tear, at my crotch in a pretty violent manner.

 

I was able to keep it togehter for the most part, but still in my state of mind this served as nothing more than a false rationalization for me to withdraw more emotionally. Even though I believe she had EVERY right to feel like she was feeling.

 

She now has left for the weekend. I know she thinks I am going to see the other woman. I told her I was not, and furthermore that now that the affair was no longer a secret I didn't need her out the house if I wanted to do that.

 

So here I sit. Wife gone. Phone broke in half, but still have the computer. THis is going to be a looooooooooong road. I still have incredible feelings for the OW. Truthfully they stronger than for the W at this time.

 

I KNOW i deserve what I am getting. I'm having a hard time seeing where this is going. I KNOW what the RIGHT thing to do is. But I don't know if its the BEST thing. I don't know at this VERY moment where my commitment level is.

 

I have a lot of work to do on myself. Its hard to work on the things in the marriage that the W expects when I am so messed up inside myself. Its very hard to commit to working on the M right now when I don't feel any emotional tie to it, or the W.

 

She is right in calling me a monster. What kind of man can do that to the mother of his children and then sit there so emotionally detached?

[stampdaddy]

for what it is worth, I am proud of you.

Edited March 13, 2010 by stampdaddy

[tbone]

I just hope that you are surprised, PLEASANTLY, by yourself and just how hard you will honestly and earnestly fight for your family.

 

I hope so to. Because at this very moment I'm feeling hollow.

 

I will say, the self talk I was doing on the way there, was "be a man, be a FATHER." So thank you SD.

[bentnotbroken]

She is angry, rightfully so. But the physical abuse is a not good. I think you too need to definitely mention this to the counselor. You did it. Now the hard work starts.

[tbone]

Do you intend to maintain NC with the OW at this point?

 

I intend to. Tonight will be a big test. She (W) broke my phone with any and all contacts to friends I could call to talk. I'm lonely and really need some support. It is almost too tempting to even log on to the internet lest I find myself late at night somewhere I shouldn't be.

[stampdaddy]

I intend to. Tonight will be a big test. She (W) broke my phone with any and all contacts to friends I could call to talk. I'm lonely and really need some support. It is almost too tempting to even log on to the internet lest I find myself late at night somewhere I shouldn't be.

 

well swing on by here, man.. As promised, I am coming up with a "Shempard's Pie" recipe as we speak, and having some wine. I will post the recipe over at the Watercooler in a bit...

 

and IF you contact the OW tonight, I will come over to your place, drag your ass out into the front lawn, and kick it from here to, well, all over the place. Don't make me do that, I am enjoying my night of cooking

[stampdaddy]

I hope so to. Because at this very moment I'm feeling hollow.

 

I will say, the self talk I was doing on the way there, was "be a man, be a FATHER." So thank you SD.

 

You are welcome...

 

OK, here comes the best advice I got, so listen up:

 

Your wife and family arent going anywhere, so don't feel lost or hollow.. Sure, feel sad, you should be, BUT harness that sadness and let's do something about it.

 

What I mean by "they arent going anywhere", they arent. Sure, they are gone right now, and Thank GOD that they are at a Church function. She is surrounded by the arms of God and some good people while she absorbs some of this. But no matter what you two do, you will ALWAYS be side by side, as a family, FOR YOUR CHILDREN, at the very least..

 

IF you divorce (NOW LISTEN TO ME), some/most divorced couples move away from each other in the shape of a "Y". The bottom part of the Y being the marriage, with the top part being the divorce, AWAY from each other as a family, which does ONE THING!! It HURTS THE KIDS.

 

I hope you, if you divorce, choose to move, well, "parallel". No you arent together, BUT, you are STILL A FAMILY, working together as the "two best co-parents anyone would ever meet."

 

HOWEVER, I really hope that you can take my advice, which is, she isnt going anywhere, not anytime soon. *****unless your stupid ass keeps seeing the OW, which again, would make me turn off the stove, do all this research, get in the car, come to your house and kick your dumb ass in front of all your neighbors, get ME arrested, kicked off Loveshack and create an unneccessary mess for me, and I know you don't want that..

[2sunny]

well i can say that i am proud of you.

 

if my xH had been honest and up front we may have had a true place to start the healing. the fact that he would have hidden it from me forever if i had allowed it only means that we didn't have what i thought we had together.

 

your honesty is key.

 

now you do have a place to start. a starting place for healing. this is good. it will be hard - but the hardest things are the ones most worthwhile.

 

this will be a huge growing experience for both of you - to grow is painful - but also worth it. pain is a great motivator... indicating that things can only get better... and different.

 

you have created a new standard for your marriage - based on honesty... that can only be good. now what you do with that honesty is key.

 

BE the husband/father that you intend to be in the family - whether or not you stay married does not take that role away. you will all always be connected - so create that role as a happy and healthy one - for you. this will never steer you wrong.

 

again - i am proud of your strength and courage. to understand that she doesn't realize the impact yet of the emotional connection will be very difficult for both of you. try to reconnect with her on a level that is healthy for both of you - this will exclude the OW automatically. if your emotional energy is directed toward your W - there will leave no room for the invasive thoughts of your OW... this is a long process - but will come over time as long as you stay on path to mend the marriage in a healthy way.

 

big hugs!

[tbone]

Your wife and family arent going anywhere, so don't feel lost or hollow.. Sure, feel sad, you should be, BUT harness that sadness and let's do something about it.

 

Thats just it. I don't feel sadness. I feel almost nothing.

 

I understand her behavior right now. But quite honestly it was that type of behavior that contributed (yes I made the choices. Nobody put a gun to my head) to the gulf that was between us and my ultimate straying.

 

I'm fighting several emotions simultaneously. One is the longing for the OW. But also the fact that I don't know regardless if I want to continue the M. Part of the folly of an affair is that you can separate those two issues, but no matter how hard you try.....you can't. They play off of one another, even subconsciously.

 

My dad came to visit. The W is in full exposure mode, and then he couldn't reach me on the phone. He was better than I thought. But he reminded me to be thankful my grandpa was not alive. Even though he passed last year at 94, and was blind and couldn't walk, he STILL would have kicked my a$$ before you got here SD.

[Chingaling]

I have been watching your thread, tbone, and holding my breath waiting for the outcome. I can particularly relate to your feelings in the car on the ride home. While I particularly admire your ability to come clean and take it on the chin, I often think that such revelations do more harm than good especially since you admit you have not really made a decision.

 

Is it possible that you are, by confessing your affair, allowing your wife to decide for you?

[tbone]

Is it possible that you are, by confessing your affair, allowing your wife to decide for you?

 

Honestly, there was a large part of me that hoped she'd bail and therefore make the decision. Cowardly, I know.

 

I just decided that I had to be truthful though. She needed something to be able to make a decision for herself too, and now she has that.

 

Now, I am cautious with my words with her, because I truly do not know at this very moment what I want. And that is OW aside. Is the marriage something I really want.

[stampdaddy]

Honestly, there was a large part of me that hoped she'd bail and therefore make the decision. Cowardly, I know.

 

I just decided that I had to be truthful though. She needed something to be able to make a decision for herself too, and now she has that.

 

Now, I am cautious with my words with her, because I truly do not know at this very moment what I want. And that is OW aside. Is the marriage something I really want.

 

Dude, although I AM proud of you, you are starting to sound like a spineless wussie... Sorry, but WHEN ARE YOU going to start to decide WHAT YOU WANT???

 

My goodness, spin a wheel, flip a coin, throw a dart at a balloon, pin the tail on a donkey, draw straws, pick a number between 1 and 3, use a Ouija Board, a Eight Ball thingy, write to Dear Abby, whatever.. DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT

[tbone]

Dude, although I AM proud of you, you are starting to sound like a spineless wussie... Sorry, but WHEN ARE YOU going to start to decide WHAT YOU WANT???

 

To a large extent its as simple as I know what is going to happen to the relationship between me, as the father, and my children if I choose to leave.

 

So, if I choose to stay because of my children can I muster up the gumption to do what is needed to make this marriage a success rather than drudgery.

 

Or do I go and have my children raised by my arch enemy (and believe you me she WILL make herself my arch enemy, albeit for a pretty good reason) and as you pointed out, living in another town, and quite possibly being fathered by another man.

[jennie-jennie]

So here I sit. Wife gone. Phone broke in half, but still have the computer. THis is going to be a looooooooooong road. I still have incredible feelings for the OW. Truthfully they stronger than for the W at this time.

 

I KNOW i deserve what I am getting. I'm having a hard time seeing where this is going. I KNOW what the RIGHT thing to do is. But I don't know if its the BEST thing. I don't know at this VERY moment where my commitment level is.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. Its hard to work on the things in the marriage that the W expects when I am so messed up inside myself. Its very hard to commit to working on the M right now when I don't feel any emotional tie to it, or the W.

 

She is right in calling me a monster. What kind of man can do that to the mother of his children and then sit there so emotionally detached?

 

Tbone, you need to work on you. Are you getting individual counseling? You will not be able to work on your marriage unless you have decided that that is really the place you want to be. First of all you need to find out what it is you really want.