indecisive coward

[Jeff1962]

Thanks, but I was cowardly in not addressing the issues in our marriage first, and then have compounded the issue with a slew of lies and the inability to come clean for the past 6 months why my spouse has had to deal with the uncertainty.

 

I have to do something. Emotionally and physically I"m breaking down under the weight of this.

 

First of all calling yourself a coward is detremental toward a healthy self image. If you continue to bash yourself, poor me, I'm a loser, I suck, I'm a coward, you will never get as to the real reason for your affair because you will blame the affair simply on the fact that you are a horrible person, ignoring the real reasons. This will get you no where fast.

 

You have to face the fact of your actions and you can only get to the "why I did this", thru honesty and a lot of self search.

[tbone]

First of all calling yourself a coward is detremental toward a healthy self image. If you continue to bash yourself, poor me, I'm a loser, I suck, I'm a coward, you will never get as to the real reason for your affair because you will blame the affair simply on the fact that you are a horrible person, ignoring the real reasons. This will get you no where fast.

 

You have to face the fact of your actions and you can only get to the "why I did this", thru honesty and a lot of self search.

 

My self image has taken a hit because of my actions, not just the words I use. That is partly why I need to do something. This is so unhealthy for everyone.

[bentnotbroken]

First of all calling yourself a coward is detremental toward a healthy self image. If you continue to bash yourself, poor me, I'm a loser, I suck, I'm a coward, you will never get as to the real reason for your affair because you will blame the affair simply on the fact that you are a horrible person, ignoring the real reasons. This will get you no where fast.

 

You have to face the fact of your actions and you can only get to the "why I did this", thru honesty and a lot of self search.

 

 

Calling it like he sees it, isn't detrimental to his self image. His actions were detrimental to his self image. Part of healing is recognizing your short comings, working to correct those and not minimizing those actions or the affect they have/had. Who said he had to get anywhere fast? It appears he is being very honest with himself at the moment. Whether or not he is searching for the basis of his actions, I guess only he can answer. The true work doesn't need a specific "label" to it for it to happen.

[jennie-jennie]

Tbone, I found an interesting paragraph in a book by the Nancy Kalish I mentioned earlier, "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances".

 

"The men were similarly torn. True, their preference, unlike the women's, was to begin the affairs and worry about the consequences later, but they did feel the consequences. Several men called in tears, torn between the passion of Lost and Found Love and the stability of spouses and children, homes, and marital assets. Almost all of them chose to leave their marriages and start over with their Lost and Found Lovers. These men never expressed any regrets about their decisions to follow their hearts. But their initial losses - of money and property, time with their children, and community status - were considerable, and their decisions to leave their spouses were not made lightly."

 

I too am in a rekindled relationship.

[Tea]

Jennie-Jennie is right. As soon as I saw your initial post, it was the first thing that popped to mind.

 

I recently started communicating with a h.s. sweetheart and it knocked me off my feet (no, PA, but a lot of what I thought was benign communication). At the time, I was also having trouble in my marriage and felt it was time to move on. Not for my lost love (also married, but has kids), but to get out of the dull routine my marriage had become.

 

Here is what I did. I thought long and hard about what initially attracted me to my husband. I separated from him for weeks and was 100% honest with him the entire time. I did tell him abt my communication with lost love, but not the extent or details, which in all reality was just daily exchanges of nonsense. I did not tell lost love of my separation and only said good things about my husband and created a space between us.

 

In other words, I parted with both of them and the MC helped me rebuild my marriage because everything I was resentful for these past 8 years came out and everything my husband was hurt by also came out. It was worse before it got better, but now, months after the first call from lost love, we are stronger than ever.

 

Yes, I think about the other guy all the time. I read and reread the studies about how these feelings are chemical. I focus on my husband, though. I know I have a great partnership with my husband that I committed to when we got married. I do everything I can to keep him happy and he, in turn, has done so much in return to keep me happy. If he did not try the latter, I would have cut bait. That's where I was in our marriage. I needed attention and excitement. He is now giving to me because I asked.

 

If you ever loved your wife, focus on what it was that you fell in love with. Think about what you are missing and talk about it.

 

If you are going to try to resolve your marriage, NC with lost love is necessary. Is there a future with her?

[wheelwright]

Thanks, but I was cowardly in not addressing the issues in our marriage first, and then have compounded the issue with a slew of lies and the inability to come clean for the past 6 months why my spouse has had to deal with the uncertainty.

 

I have to do something. Emotionally and physically I"m breaking down under the weight of this.

 

tbone, I read the whole thread and the thing I noticed was that your posts, despite your problematic frame of mind, all focus on your M and your kids. So this is where I would say your heart is right now.

 

This is what you need to focus on, this is the most telling and important thing in your life.

 

So, continue IC to work your head out (if this means another counsellor then find one). Postpone MC until you decide to have DDay or not.

 

Good luck, I understand this is not a nice place to be.

[tbone]

I am focused on my children for sure. On my M? I don't know. I've continually looked for ways to dig myself in deeper into the A. To do as much damage as possible almost intentional major sabatoge to insure the M ends perhaps?

 

I don't think i can prolong the IC any longer, there is way too much pressure from the spouse as to figure this out. And I am seriously on the brink of collapse. I"m having major neck pain, migraines, and fatigue from the stress of this.

[bentnotbroken]

I am focused on my children for sure. On my M? I don't know. I've continually looked for ways to dig myself in deeper into the A. To do as much damage as possible almost intentional major sabatoge to insure the M ends perhaps?

 

I don't think i can prolong the IC any longer, there is way too much pressure from the spouse as to figure this out. And I am seriously on the brink of collapse. I"m having major neck pain, migraines, and fatigue from the stress of this.

 

 

This is emotional abuse. As much damage a possible.

[PhoenixRise]

This is emotional abuse. As much damage a possible.

 

 

I agree.

 

Instead of emotionally beating your wife down, why don't you just leave?

 

Do you think it is good for your children to see you behave this way to their mother?

 

Cowardly and bullying at the same time.

[tbone]

I agree.

 

Instead of emotionally beating your wife down, why don't you just leave?

 

Do you think it is good for your children to see you behave this way to their mother?

 

Cowardly and bullying at the same time.

 

Because i am a coward. Afraid, selfish.

[bentnotbroken]

Because i am a coward. Afraid, selfish.

 

 

Emotional abuse has nothing to do with being a coward. It has everything to do with anger and control. You like what you are doing to her and by extension your children. Would you want what you are doing to your W to happen to your children? Stop doing the punk thing.... screwing with her head, emotions and heart.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow this whole thread is pathetic. Who intentially sabotages their marriage just so they can be kicked out of it!???

 

WTF,

 

oh wait, dont anyone answer that question all at once.

 

Wow someone needs mental help! ASAP!

[stillafool]

Emotional abuse has nothing to do with being a coward. It has everything to do with anger and control. You like what you are doing to her and by extension your children. Would you want what you are doing to your W to happen to your children? Stop doing the punk thing.... screwing with her head, emotions and heart.

 

 

I totally agree with this. Grow a pair and tell your wife that you don't want her anymore and you are having an affair. She feels this already whether you know it or not. Take her and your kids out of their misery and move out!

[whichwayisup]

Because i am a coward. Afraid, selfish.

 

What are you really afraid of? Being the bad guy? Having your family, your inlaws, possibly friends, neighbours, see you in a new light? And not the one that you've been protraying all these years while married?

 

Grow up, man. BE a man, and decide once and for all. If you want the OW, tell your wife the truth and get divorced. As quickly, fairly and painlessly as possible. Or, dump the OW and focus on reconnecting with your wife. You can't have it both ways and to hope that either your OW will break it off with you, go NC so you can slink back home, or hope your wife busts you and throws you out IS cowardly.

 

Do you have daughters? If so, propell yourself into the future. Imagine one of their husbands treating them and doing to them what you are doing to your wife!

[tbone]

What are you really afraid of? Being the bad guy? Having your family, your inlaws, possibly friends, neighbours, see you in a new light? And not the one that you've been protraying all these years while married?

 

Grow up, man. BE a man, and decide once and for all. If you want the OW, tell your wife the truth and get divorced. As quickly, fairly and painlessly as possible. Or, dump the OW and focus on reconnecting with your wife. You can't have it both ways and to hope that either your OW will break it off with you, go NC so you can slink back home, or hope your wife busts you and throws you out IS cowardly.

 

Do you have daughters? If so, propell yourself into the future. Imagine one of their husbands treating them and doing to them what you are doing to your wife!

 

Of course that is a fear. So is losing my children. Ridiculous as it sounds since I'm the one who made the choice to put myself in this position.

 

Breaking it off sounds easy, but it only sounds easy.

[PhoenixRise]

Of course that is a fear. So is losing my children. Ridiculous as it sounds since I'm the one who made the choice to put myself in this position.

 

Breaking it off sounds easy, but it only sounds easy.

 

No. I suppose it is much easier to continue to treat your wife like Sh** and continue to emotionally beat her down until she gets fed up and kicks you out....and then you still will not be a full time father. Same result that would happen if you just tell the truth and leave. Only leaving on your own would save your wife the emotional damage of you deliberately hurting her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And these are the types of men these women who cheat be with...

 

Yep, this is the men you are sooooooo in love with.

 

Give me a break!

 

To the OP own up to it, be a man. man up!!! either you put your head in the sand or you man up and make it right. The only one that can change things is you!

[PhoenixRise]

And these are the types of men these women who cheat be with...

 

Yep, this is the men you are sooooooo in love with.

 

Give me a break!

 

To the OP own up to it, be a man. man up!!! either you put your head in the sand or you man up and make it right. The only one that can change things is you!

 

Chrome you make a very good point here.

 

If his OW was posting here she might very well be posting that her MM is a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated family man who loves but is not in love with his wife.

 

All the while here is this man who is knowingly and deliberately emotionally abusing his wife.

[jennie-jennie]

I am focused on my children for sure. On my M? I don't know. I've continually looked for ways to dig myself in deeper into the A. To do as much damage as possible almost intentional major sabatoge to insure the M ends perhaps?

 

I don't think i can prolong the IC any longer, there is way too much pressure from the spouse as to figure this out. And I am seriously on the brink of collapse. I"m having major neck pain, migraines, and fatigue from the stress of this.

 

Because i am a coward. Afraid, selfish.

 

Chrome you make a very good point here.

 

If his OW was posting here she might very well be posting that her MM is a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated family man who loves but is not in love with his wife.

 

All the while here is this man who is knowingly and deliberately emotionally abusing his wife.

 

Come on, guys, you know better than that. This man is beating himself up. I don't believe for a minute that he is "deliberately emotionally abusing his wife". He probably is "a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated famly man who loves but is not in love with his wife". That is likely the problem. Once again "doing the right thing" versus the emotional self.

[stampdaddy]

Come on, guys, you know better than that. This man is beating himself up. I don't believe for a minute that he is "deliberately emotionally abusing his wife". He probably is "a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated famly man who loves but is not in love with his wife". That is likely the problem. Once again "doing the right thing" versus the emotional self.

 

are you kidding?? Look, he KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS that his wife is losing her mind. he KNOWS his kids are suffering from all of this. he KNOWS this isnt "right", and yet, he doesnt do a damn thing about it except whine like a little girl on this site about what a coward he is.. Poor, poor baby!!

[Spark1111]

Tbone, unfortunately I find you pretty typical.

 

You do not know what and whom you want.

 

You are avoiding conflict and decision-making on any level, hoping to be outed or forced to confess by someone else, to the point your dual life is making you physically ill.

 

You want the attention and flattery from your OW, but the wife to keep your hearth and home.

 

You need to work on YOU; why you feel entitled to such an arrangement; to continue cake-eating, to thinking less of the the woman you married to alleviate the guilt you feel about your secret affair; and to set you, your OW, and your spouse free with the truth of it all.

 

Man up....yep, man up and OWN your behavior and your choices, for no other reason than your CHILDREN deserve a happy and in love mother, and a strong, decisive father....whether you remain married to her or not!

 

Man up...and either commit to your OW, or set her free to have a future with someone who can.

[jennie-jennie]

are you kidding?? Look, he KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS that his wife is losing her mind. he KNOWS his kids are suffering from all of this. he KNOWS this isnt "right", and yet, he doesnt do a damn thing about it except whine like a little girl on this site about what a coward he is.. Poor, poor baby!!

 

Correction, he is going to IC and MC and posting on LS. And this after only half a year in the affair! Also, he has already moved out from the bedroom, which gives his wife a clear indication something is wrong.

[PhoenixRise]

I am focused on my children for sure. On my M? I don't know. I've continually looked for ways to dig myself in deeper into the A. To do as much damage as possible almost intentional major sabatoge to insure the M ends perhaps?

I don't think i can prolong the IC any longer, there is way too much pressure from the spouse as to figure this out. And I am seriously on the brink of collapse. I"m having major neck pain, migraines, and fatigue from the stress of this.

 

Come on, guys, you know better than that. This man is beating himself up. I don't believe for a minute that he is "deliberately emotionally abusing his wife". He probably is "a great guy, unselfish, giving everything for his family, a dedicated famly man who loves but is not in love with his wife". That is likely the problem. Once again "doing the right thing" versus the emotional self.

 

Jennie

 

I completely disagree with you here.

 

He said he is deliberately doing as much damage as possible to make sure the M ends. How do you suppose he is going about doing this damage?

 

His wife has asked for MC. She has no idea he is cheating, has no idea he wants out of the M. While he is deliberately doing damage to her so that SHE will find the balls to kick him out.

 

He knows what he is doing. He is deliberately hurting his W so she will make the decision he is too cowardly to make.

 

Great guys who care about their families do NOT treat their wives this way. Unselfish people actually give things up. They don't try to hold on to EVERYTHING at everybody else's expense.

 

And Jennie, I don't think even HE thinks he is doing anything even remotely close to the right thing by anybody.

[stampdaddy]

Correction, he is going to IC and MC and posting on LS. And this after only half a year in the affair! Also, he has already moved out from the bedroom, which gives his wife a clear indication something is wrong.

 

Oh great! He moves out of the bedroom, leaving a "clear" indication that something is wrong. All while he is banging someone else, he leaves it up to her to figure out just what that might be? And the children, seeing dad move out of the bedroom from mommy. Gee, let's see.. What picture does this paint, when they are at sleepovers and they see other mommy and daddys in the same bedroom, or at least, other mommy and daddys that are divorced.. It is stupid to think that this is OK, and just because he is in IC and MC lying his ass off will make it right. Good Lord

[PhoenixRise]

Correction, he is going to IC and MC and posting on LS. And this after only half a year in the affair! Also, he has already moved out from the bedroom, which gives his wife a clear indication something is wrong.

 

But she doesn't know what is wrong and this is why she asked for MC

 

No Jennie.

 

His wife asked for MC. He changed it to an IC session where he confessed the affair to the counselor. NOW he is feeling the pressure because the MC/IC said he will not see them as a couple if he doesn't confess the affair. He now has to figure out what to tell his wife about why they can't see this counselor OR he has to confess.