indecisive coward

[Brokenlady]

He thinks I know what the RIGHT thing is to do since I get very emotional when I talk about my oldest son and how disappointed he will be and also when I bring up my father and how disappointed he will be. He thinks these are the things to hang my hat on, even though I don't get that emotional when discussing the wife. I get very emotional when talking about my oldest son and my father.

 

Am I to understand that your counselor is implying these two reasons alone are good enough that you should stay in the Marriage? I can't imagine your W would feel that way - surely she'd want you to have love for her. That is the point of marriage afterall isn't it?

 

He wants me to visit with my father again and communicate with him what I'm going through to try and gain some clarity.

 

How would you feel if after talking with your father you discivered he'd be supportive of any choice you make, that he wants you to be happy and would support you divorcing if thats what you wanted? Would that change anything for you?

 

Assuming of course that she even wants to try.

 

If you don't want to ad aren't invested, it's sort of a moot point.

[jennie-jennie]

Had the session today. The counselor asked my opinion of where i wanted to go. I told him honestly I still didn't really know.

 

But, if I were to confess today I would pretty much have to say that I could not commit to doing what is required to make the marriage work.

 

That would be what I would have to say today. Is that as a result of my emotions since the OW and I called it quits? Am I experiencing anxiety of wanted to run to her and save that R?

He thinks this is the perfect time to decide. I think that's crazy.

 

He thinks I know what the RIGHT thing is to do since I get very emotional when I talk about my oldest son and how disappointed he will be and also when I bring up my father and how disappointed he will be. He thinks these are the things to hang my hat on, even though I don't get that emotional when discussing the wife. I get very emotional when talking about my oldest son and my father.

 

We are arranging a 2 hour session a week from today so that I can reveal my feelings with the wife there.

 

He wants me to visit with my father again and communicate with him what I'm going through to try and gain some clarity.

 

I"m holding on to two things right now. 1) I"m worried my judgement is clouded with desperately missing the OW 2) the feeling I"ve had all along that I"m not sure my heart would truly be in re-creating the marriage.

 

Assuming of course that she even wants to try.

 

Well, I have 6 days and 22 hours.

 

I think you should get a new counselor. This one doesn't seem to understand what he is dealing with.

[2sunny]

even if you meet with your father - the point is to reveal the truth to him and allow him to give you a visual of what is likely to play out in either scenario.

 

is it even fair to dump this on him and not your wife? i'm not so sure that is proper order - because then he has to keep your secret too if you never decide to be honest with your W. this is not fair to put him in a position of pretending for your benefit.

 

it also makes him aware that things will be tough to fix no matter what you choose - i don't think it's fair to dump a burden of worry on a family member until you have a firm plan of action and how you intend to proceed to make it happen.

[2sunny]

I think you should get a new counselor. This one doesn't seem to understand what he is dealing with.

 

that is assuming the counselor knows the full truth - we cannot make that assumption.

[tbone]

Am I to understand that your counselor is implying these two reasons alone are good enough that you should stay in the Marriage? I can't imagine your W would feel that way - surely she'd want you to have love for her. That is the point of marriage afterall isn't it?

 

 

 

How would you feel if after talking with your father you discivered he'd be supportive of any choice you make, that he wants you to be happy and would support you divorcing if thats what you wanted? Would that change anything for you?

 

 

 

If you don't want to ad aren't invested, it's sort of a moot point.

 

To question 1. I think he's saying this is enough to tell my wife I"m willing to try.

 

To Questions 2. If my father would support it would make the decision much easier for me. He won't however to any real extent. I revealed to him months ago that I had strayed and he had nothing to offer other than begging for forgiveness and staying the course.

[whichwayisup]

To question 1. I think he's saying this is enough to tell my wife I"m willing to try.

 

To Questions 2. If my father would support it would make the decision much easier for me. He won't however to any real extent. I revealed to him months ago that I had strayed and he had nothing to offer other than begging for forgiveness and staying the course.

 

Your wife needs to know the truth. You can't start to fix your marriage with this lie.. I mean, what if someone else, possibly your OW tells your wife about the A? Never say never.. It happens.

 

Anyway, I'm sure your wife probably "knows" and the signs are there, red flags, but she's choosing to ignore them, and is scared.

 

If you feel this counsellor isn't working, find another one who will help you and your wife. Together and apart..

[2sunny]

from what you say - i don't see any benefit in going to your Dad again since you already did that.

[tbone]

For everyone commenting that the BS needs to know, she will. This saturday. I have set the wheels in motion and at that point there really isn't any turning back. The truth will come out. The question becomes how will I frame it.

 

At this point I see myself confessing the affair completely, but then what?

 

At this point I think it would be disingenuous to beg for forgiveness and for another chance and proclaim I will do whatever it takes to fix this mess I've created. I frankly don't feel that way right now.

 

Am I to admit frankly I don't know where I am?

 

If it was today, I would have to say that honestly I don't know if I can do what is necessary to really make this work, that I'm I don't feel I can make the commitment that it takes and that she deserves.

 

I just don't want to me muddling in uncertainty forever. Obviously she has a say in that as well.

[Brokenlady]

Am I to admit frankly I don't know where I am?

 

Yes, that's exactly what you should do. If that's the honest truth, then she deserves to know. Gaslighting her into thinking you are more invested than you are compunds injury to insult.

 

If it was today, I would have to say that honestly I don't know if I can do what is necessary to really make this work, that I'm I don't feel I can make the commitment that it takes and that she deserves.

 

I just don't want to me muddling in uncertainty forever. Obviously she has a say in that as well.

 

If that is where you are at, then that is where you are at. Be honest with yourself and with her. When you do that, you can make a decision together about how to proceed, together or apart. At the very least, you can regain your integrity and start living an honest life from here on out...no matter what happens.

[whichwayisup]

Just tell her exactly what you said in your more recent post update.

 

Speak from your heart, speak the truth. Be honest, be respectful, take responsibility for your part in the demise of the marriage, own your choices for cheating and betraying her. Don't blame her for that, the cheating..

 

It's good something now is going to happen.

 

There is a thread you can read, do a site search on the username MattyM (or mattiem) anyway, hopefully it'll help.

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with the last couple of posts.

 

Tell her the truth about how you feel.

 

If you don't feel like you want to work on the M tell her that.

 

Don't sugarcoat your feelings to her.

 

Then progress can be made..one way or another.

[2sunny]

i agree with the last few posts as well, but i would never wait a week... since you know exactly how you feel now and you know what your truth is - is see no good reason to wait even one more day to be honest with her... that in itself just shows more dishonesty and selfishness.

[White Flower]

I agree too with the last few posts. Be painfully honest with her and yourself. I would also suggest a new counselor just for a second opinion as this one seems a little pushy and one with his own agenda. I'm not so sure he's looking out for your best interests.

[tbone]

W and I had a blow up this weekend. She's so frustrated for good reason. I had the words on the very tip of my tongue, i got the first syllable of "I"m having an affair" out of my mouth, before she interrupted me and my nerve was gone.

 

We talked about Div. and I said that's what I wanted and she packed up the kids and left for her mom's. I feel guilty that she doesn't have all the information. I'm left with seeing if she wants to go to MC Saturday and giving her "the brick" as stampdaddy calls it.

 

What I mess I created.

[stampdaddy]

W and I had a blow up this weekend. She's so frustrated for good reason. I had the words on the very tip of my tongue, i got the first syllable of "I"m having an affair" out of my mouth, before she interrupted me and my nerve was gone.

 

We talked about Div. and I said that's what I wanted and she packed up the kids and left for her mom's. I feel guilty that she doesn't have all the information. I'm left with seeing if she wants to go to MC Saturday and giving her "the brick" as stampdaddy calls it.

 

What I mess I created.

 

Well, I salute you for at least trying, and for being honest with what you want (see, I'm "saluting" in my AVI??)

[White Flower]

W and I had a blow up this weekend. She's so frustrated for good reason. I had the words on the very tip of my tongue, i got the first syllable of "I"m having an affair" out of my mouth, before she interrupted me and my nerve was gone.

 

We talked about Div. and I said that's what I wanted and she packed up the kids and left for her mom's. I feel guilty that she doesn't have all the information. I'm left with seeing if she wants to go to MC Saturday and giving her "the brick" as stampdaddy calls it.

 

What I mess I created.

At least you tried. Maybe there would have been a D anyway and her knowing about the A is just a moot point?

 

Does OW know about any of this? Are you in contact?

[wheelwright]

Look up NOTSURE7. Maybe you will find love in your M once again.

 

I know for me, there would have been no chance without honesty.

 

The chances are still slim 8 months post DDay. The A is one thing for both MPs to get over, the problems in the M another.

 

Where does your love lay? And how do you balance love and duty?

 

I think when you tell, you are likely to be faced with such hurt and devastation that you won't know yourself for some time to come. That hurt will be your only focus.

 

Don't underestimate the power of your telling.

 

IMHO? Work out exactly what you want before you tell. After you tell, nothing will be the same again.

[tbone]

Look up NOTSURE7. Maybe you will find love in your M once again.

 

That was tough to read. Many similarities. Thanks, even though it was gut wrenching.

[jennie-jennie]

That was tough to read. Many similarities. Thanks, even though it was gut wrenching.

 

I believe Notsure7 is a good example of what happens when you confess prematurely. He certainly flip-flopped at the moment of confession.

[Brokenlady]

That was tough to read. Many similarities. Thanks, even though it was gut wrenching.

 

If I recall, Notsure7's biggest issue with his wife was just that he didn't love her, wasn't sure if he ever had. I dont' recall any "real" marital problems, and he was a serial cheater. His W was totally oblivious and apprently very happy with things the way they were. When NS7 confessed with the intention of leaving, he changed his mind upon seeing his wife cry and ended up sending a NC email to his MOW. Tbone's situation sounds a bit different - he feels there are significant marital problems - feeling oppressed, etc.- and he and his W have already had conversations about D.

 

As far as where to go from here - Tbone, this is not going to be popular, but I think that if you and your W have decided to get divorced, there is no point in telling her about the A. It just serves to add to the hurt and dram, and is basically a selfish way to unload guilt. On the contrary, if you two stay together, I think you will have to disclose it to be able to resolve things and move forward. As I said before, I think you have to be honest with her IF you want to improve your M, but if that's not the goal anymore, I don't thikn it would benefit you.

[tbone]

If I recall, Notsure7's biggest issue with his wife was just that he didn't love her, wasn't sure if he ever had. I dont' recall any "real" marital problems, and he was a serial cheater. His W was totally oblivious and apprently very happy with things the way they were. When NS7 confessed with the intention of leaving, he changed his mind upon seeing his wife cry and ended up sending a NC email to his MOW. Tbone's situation sounds a bit different - he feels there are significant marital problems - feeling oppressed, etc.- and he and his W have already had conversations about D.

 

As far as where to go from here - Tbone, this is not going to be popular, but I think that if you and your W have decided to get divorced, there is no point in telling her about the A. It just serves to add to the hurt and dram, and is basically a selfish way to unload guilt. On the contrary, if you two stay together, I think you will have to disclose it to be able to resolve things and move forward. As I said before, I think you have to be honest with her IF you want to improve your M, but if that's not the goal anymore, I don't thikn it would benefit you.

 

It isn't quite as simple as it sounds. I feel sort of like ns7 in that I've had those lingering feelings of whether or not I really "loved" my wife. As for the significant marriage problems? Well, I do feel somewhat smothered and oppressed. But, that seems like an easy enough situation to remedy right? Other than that ideologically there are issues with religion, but the W doesn't push it on me much, but it does intrude heavily into the house. She's LDS, I"m not. It can be an issue. But is it such a great divide that I can't remain married? I don't like it, and I don't really like my kids involved, but a D won't solve that issue with the kids.

 

Do we have disagreements? Absolutely. Are there ideological/philosophical issues. Definitely. Is it to an extent that much greater than other marriages? I'm not sure. ON the outside I'm sure people think its a great fit. I think the W thought things were pretty ok.

 

The talk of Div honestly never really got brought up seriously until I had entered into the A. I've learned that an affair is a complete mind f%ck. You start to question everything. It tears at your confidence in your decision making because you know what you've done is wrong regardless.

[PhoenixRise]

I believe Notsure7 is a good example of what happens when you confess prematurely. He certainly flip-flopped at the moment of confession.

 

 

I think in Notsure7's situation there really was an affair bubble that burst when the affair was disclosed. He decided to stay with his wife and try to make the marriage better. As far as we know NS7 and his wife are crazy in love with each other and are very happy today. It could only be seen as a premature confession if one thinks that the only good resolution to a confession is that the WS divorces the BS.

[PhoenixRise]

tbone

 

Is your wife still out of the house?

 

Does she want to come home?

[tbone]

tbone

 

Is your wife still out of the house?

 

Does she want to come home?

 

 

 

Phoenix,

 

She came home with the kids today. I know she wants to come home and honestly if anyone should be out it should be me right now. This is the home of my children and they deserve that.

 

I went home briefly to see the children and she was visibly upset and not speaking much.

 

Then the guilt starts to weigh in on me, of hurting someone so badly.

[Snowflower]

Phoenix,

 

She came home with the kids today. I know she wants to come home and honestly if anyone should be out it should be me right now. This is the home of my children and they deserve that.

 

I went home briefly to see the children and she was visibly upset and not speaking much.

 

Then the guilt starts to weigh in on me, of hurting someone so badly.

 

tbone, do you think your wife has figured out that you are having an affair?

 

WS always think they are so sneaky when they are having an affair--no one could possibly know, right? Your wife knows there is something seriously wrong in your marriage--people don't just decide to divorce without a good reason. Sure, people divorce without having an affair but then they are usually able to give their spouse a reason as to why they are leaving the marriage.

 

I don't know whether you should tell your wife about the A or not especially if she doesn't ask. But if she DOES come right out and ask if you are having an A, and she might very well suspect this is the case, please don't lie to her at that point. Tell your wife the truth if she asks. She deserves that much.