RM's Breakup/Coping Log

[Rearden Metal]

Cool! Can't wait! Really, looking forward to all the great stuff to come, yet!

 

Oh well, forewarned is forearmed, I guess.

 

Hey, I'm no Nostrodamus, but I get the impression that you're a much better person than your stbx. Eventually, you'll realize that you settled when you chose her. That's what I meant.

[kimflute26]

Hey man, just wanted to say I've been reading your log and I think you're doing a great job..... You've had ups and downs but through it all you're clearly making an effort to get back to your old self. I hate this ***** too but I just have to keep telling myself that I can't change the past.... no matter what I can't. just have to keep going forward. We'll make it.

[Rearden Metal]

Hey man, just wanted to say I've been reading your log and I think you're doing a great job..... You've had ups and downs but through it all you're clearly making an effort to get back to your old self. I hate this ***** too but I just have to keep telling myself that I can't change the past.... no matter what I can't. just have to keep going forward. We'll make it.

 

AWESOME!

 

Thanks for reading. Please share your thoughts in this thread anytime!

[spriggig]

Hey, I'm no Nostrodamus, but I get the impression that you're a much better person than your stbx. Eventually, you'll realize that you settled when you chose her. That's what I meant.

 

Sorry for the sarcasm, just imagining more **** coming my way puts me on the defensive.

 

Maybe I will admit that I settled. Just admitting how bad I ****ed up was hard enough. Admitting that I ****ed up over someone who wasn't worth it?

 

Did I mention she gives great head?

[Rearden Metal]

Sorry for the sarcasm, just imagining more **** coming my way puts me on the defensive.

 

Maybe I will admit that I settled. Just admitting how bad I ****ed up was hard enough. Admitting that I ****ed up over someone who wasn't worth it?

 

Did I mention she gives great head?

 

No, not admitting you fu*ked up over someone who wasn't worth it. More that you will come to realize that although you had fu*ked up (I'm assuming you're referring to neglecting your ex?), it's her RESPONSE to your action/inaction that is what defines her character.

 

In short, you were a neglectful husband. She was a cheating wife. The cause/effect is not balanced. A proper response from a better person would have been to first discuss your neglect, and then to suggest MC, and then to ask for a divorce. Not to log onto a computer and e-*** some dipsh*t, then MEET him and start with the butterfly chasing.

 

Make sense?

 

And of course she gives great head. Otherwise you wouldn't even be pining for her. Obviously.

[spriggig]

In short, you were a neglectful husband. She was a cheating wife. The cause/effect is not balanced. A proper response from a better person would have been to first discuss your neglect, and then to suggest MC, and then to ask for a divorce. Not to log onto a computer and e-*** some dipsh*t, then MEET him and start with the butterfly chasing.

 

I asked in my other thread--Does ten years of physical and emotional neglect by ignorance balance with 2 years of EA and two weeks of PA by intent? I was just happy to hear that they thought it balanced.

 

But, also, so many people have told me "you don't deserve this". So, I wonder if I've completely conveyed to them what I did compared to what she did.

 

This is a clear, complete and honest description of how I treated her, no worse, no better: It was ten years of us talking less and less. Of me almost never complementing her and almost never saying "I Love You" outside of the routine. And, I outright refused her sex on several occasions, including times she cried and nearly begged. Also, I almost never helped with housework with the excuse that she didn't have an outside job. I didn't dissuade her from getting a job nor did I pressure her to. I didn't dissuade her from pursuing hobbies and her interest in writing but I didn't actively support her either. All I did reasonably well was bring home a steady pay check and keep the bills paid for a typical ranch house in a very safe neighborhood. And there's this tid-bit: I wouldn't buy her Mother's Day cards because she wasn't my mother--ha ha. Yeah, I know that was a really ****ty thing now.

 

Now, this sounds like a typical ****ty marriage. But when we finally talked about this the pain that was evident in her voice and eyes killed me. Obviously I had hurt her far beyond anything I could have imagined.

 

You already know what she did. Please tell me honestly, leaving our son out of it for the moment, did I get what I had coming from her?

Edited March 28, 2010 by spriggig

[Rearden Metal]

I asked in my other thread--Does ten years of physical and emotional neglect by ignorance balance with 2 years of EA and two weeks of PA by intent? I was just happy to hear that they thought it balanced.

 

But, also, so many people have told me "you don't deserve this". So, I wonder if I've completely conveyed to them what I did compared to what she did.

 

This is a clear, complete and honest description of how I treated her, no worse, no better: It was ten years of us talking less and less. Of me almost never complementing her and almost never saying "I Love You" outside of the routine. And, I outright refused her sex on several occasions, including times she cried and nearly begged. Also, I almost never helped with housework with the excuse that she didn't have an outside job. I didn't dissuade her from getting a job nor did I pressure her to. I didn't dissuade her from pursuing hobbies and her interest in writing but I didn't actively support her either. All I did reasonably well was bring home a steady pay check and keep the bills paid for a typical ranch house in a very safe neighborhood. And there's this tid-bit: I wouldn't buy her Mother's Day cards because she wasn't my mother--ha ha. Yeah, I know that was a really ****ty thing now.

 

Now, this sounds like a typical ****ty marriage. But when we finally talked about this the pain that was evident in her voice and eyes killed me. Obviously I had hurt her far beyond anything I could have imagined.

 

You already know what she did. Please tell me honestly, leaving our son out of it for the moment, did I get what I had coming from her?

 

Yes and no. You really were a sh*tty husband, huh? Can you elaborate as to why?

 

As an aside, I was the literal opposite of you in my marriage. I was attentive and caring and loving and supportive. But I fooled around behind my wife's back on a few occasions. She left me many years later without ever having confronted me or having any proof. She just lost trust in me and eventually our marriage suffered, faded, and ended.

 

Was I any better of a husband to my wife? I honestly don't know the answer.

[spriggig]

Yes and no. You really were a sh*tty husband, huh? Can you elaborate as to why?

 

As an aside, I was the literal opposite of you in my marriage. I was attentive and caring and loving and supportive. But I fooled around behind my wife's back on a few occasions. She left me many years later without ever having confronted me or having any proof. She just lost trust in me and eventually our marriage suffered, faded, and ended.

 

Was I any better of a husband to my wife? I honestly don't know the answer.

 

Here is what happened on the physical side while I was being ****ty to her, the deeper WHY I don't know yet, if there even is one.

 

Lay on top of this the very real problem we both have with confrontation--her much worse than me and something I've been attacking vigorously in myself since I found out about all this.

 

At the beginning we were both very affectionate and attentive, as expected. The sex was good, she is fairly adventuresome and willing but not as physically capable--stamina, flexibility and such are very lacking. After we were married, I had a feeling of security and I became complacent. The sex was regular and good but routine. This was the first time I refused her advances, I just didn't feel like doing the same thing that night. This started the downward slide. The more distant I became the more needy she became and the less attractive I found her. Physically, I still found her attractive, I'd fantasize about her but I wasn't interested in actually having the same old sex with her.

 

Her confidence dwindled, her body image dropped and she gained weight. The weight gain was a real problem for her--not so much for me, I still found her sexy enough. The cycle continued of her being needy and me being turned-off by her neediness and becoming more distant. We stopped having sex about five years ago with only rare exceptions up to two years ago. We were roommates instead of husband and wife for the last five years of our marriage. Everything I described in the previous post became coincidentally worse as the sex/affection thing worsened.

 

Thing is? The transition was so gradual I took each small change in stride.

 

Then something interesting happened. The game. We started playing the game alternatively on one computer. She became more and more attracted to it while I became less interested over about six months. In December 2007 for one week, I went out to see my parents in the hospital, she stayed home.

 

When I got home, we had an argument about the game, I thought she was spending way too much time in it and she had started neglecting our son and became far less patient with me. We had sex routinely for about two weeks after the argument and then it stopped. But THIS TIME I became the needy one and she was the distant one.

 

This all makes sense in retrospect because this is when the first of the online EAs occurred--sparked by the week she had the computer to herself. The first two didn't "stick" but number three is the current OM. About a month ago I read her personal journal--just after we stopped having sex in late December 2007, she wrote "I'm sorry Darrin, I feel like you had your chance. 10 years I've been unhappy and you never tried to change it. Now, I'm not giving it [the game and, by extension EA #1] up." The rest of her journal is her chasing butterflies and school-girl level in-game drama--you'd think a teenager wrote it, no kidding.

 

Also, I didn't realize any of this explicitly until she kicked me in the ass and told me she was leaving me and I started looking at it. I was blissfully ignorant virtually this whole time. Or at least lying to myself really well during the last two years.

 

Beyond my evolving reactions to what I've described here, I don't know WHY I behaved the way I did.

 

That's far more detail than I've told anyone yet except her--spread across a few conversations. She agrees with me on all of this but she doesn't know I read her journal, at least I haven't told her I did. I've written this all down over and over many times trying to understand it better.

[Rearden Metal]

Sprigg, I'll address that in the AM. Just stumbled onto my ex's new Twitter page, didn't even know she was on there.

 

"Home cooked dinner with the boy Can't wait for tomorrow night!"

 

I had a momentary chest pounding, self hating moment. I literally CANNOT believe she's already in a relationship. It's so bullsh*t, everything she said to me was about how she needed to finish up school and not be in a relationship. What she meant was WITH ME.

 

I'm so aggravated right now. I hate myself for even finding the fu*king page. Ugh.

 

Night guys...

[GrayClouds]

Sprigg, I'll address that in the AM. Just stumbled onto my ex's new Twitter page, didn't even know she was on there.

 

"Home cooked dinner with the boy Can't wait for tomorrow night!"

 

I had a momentary chest pounding, self hating moment. I literally CANNOT believe she's already in a relationship. It's so bullsh*t, everything she said to me was about how she needed to finish up school and not be in a relationship. What she meant was WITH ME.

 

I'm so aggravated right now. I hate myself for even finding the fu*king page. Ugh.

 

Night guys...

cyber stalking is not does little for one's self esteem, NC means NC. Be kind to yourself and have a good night

[Rearden Metal]

cyber stalking is not does little for one's self esteem, NC means NC. Be kind to yourself and have a good night

 

Oh how I wish I could (be kind to myself).

 

This is the last thing I needed...seeing her updates and wanting to know what's going on.

 

Thing is, it's nothing new. It's the same stuff with a different guy. She's just gone and jumped right in as if WE never existed. I can't say that it's surprising, given what I know about her, but it is definitely painful to watch.

 

I'll have to figure out how to NOT check her page. I have no idea how I'll manage it.

 

+1 for the backslide.

[spriggig]

Oh how I wish I could (be kind to myself).

 

This is the last thing I needed...seeing her updates and wanting to know what's going on.

 

Thing is, it's nothing new. It's the same stuff with a different guy. She's just gone and jumped right in as if WE never existed. I can't say that it's surprising, given what I know about her, but it is definitely painful to watch.

 

I'll have to figure out how to NOT check her page. I have no idea how I'll manage it.

 

+1 for the backslide.

 

Don't make me drive out there and backhand you!

 

Unsubscribe from that twitter feed you *ussy and go f*ck a barfly.

[GrayClouds]

Oh how I wish I could (be kind to myself).

 

This is the last thing I needed...seeing her updates and wanting to know what's going on.

 

Thing is, it's nothing new. It's the same stuff with a different guy. She's just gone and jumped right in as if WE never existed. I can't say that it's surprising, given what I know about her, but it is definitely painful to watch.

 

I'll have to figure out how to NOT check her page. I have no idea how I'll manage it.

 

+1 for the backslide.

 

just block her http://www.facebook.com/help/?page=841

[Rearden Metal]

Already blocked her on everything (Facebook, AIM). Twitter you can be not logged in and still see people's feeds that don't hide them. She probably has no idea she CAN hide it yet.

 

It really doesn't matter, though. I just need to stop looking of my own accord.

 

Spriggy, I could use a backhand. No need for the barfly, though

[GrayClouds]

Already blocked her on everything (Facebook, AIM). Twitter you can be not logged in and still see people's feeds that don't hide them. She probably has no idea she CAN hide it yet.

 

It really doesn't matter, though. I just need to stop looking of my own accord.

 

Spriggy, I could use a backhand. No need for the barfly, though

 

 

A man of your size and stature should not be "twittering", it is not becoming

[Rearden Metal]

A man of your size and stature should not be "twittering", it is not becoming

 

Haha! I'm not! I don't have an account. I have a great friend who is a chef, so I was checking out his page because he may be getting a TV show. Of course, a cursory "search" is all it took to find the EX.

[Fouts]

Actually, knowing she's already involved with someone else and not trying to get her life together will help speed the healing process. It may be a bit tougher pill to swallow, but you'll be closing off wounds permanently. In the long run it's a good thing.

[Rearden Metal]

Actually, knowing she's already involved with someone else and not trying to get her life together will help speed the healing process. It may be a bit tougher pill to swallow, but you'll be closing off wounds permanently. In the long run it's a good thing.

 

While this is 100% true, my mind plays tricks on me. When it doesn't work out with this guy (and it won't), I know who she's going to call.

 

I hope I'm over it by then.

[Fouts]

You'll be surprised how your feelings will be different from being contacted by an ex who realizes they miss and need you, from one who went onto the next guy, that relationship didn't work out and now they want you to console them.

 

You won't want to be that doormat until they find another next.

[Rearden Metal]

You'll be surprised how your feelings will be different from being contacted by an ex who realizes they miss and need you, from one who went onto the next guy, that relationship didn't work out and now they want you to console them.

 

You won't want to be that doormat until they find another next.

 

Absolutely true. But I DO want to hear the magic words of reconciliation that are so coveted on LS.

 

I won't hear them, I know that. It would take an act of God for that to happen.

[nobmagnet]

Spriggig,

 

May I ask if you regret the way you treated your wife?

 

IMO i am not at all supprised she left you and deeply hope you have learnt from this. You isolated her emotionally she must have been so miserable. I trully hope she is happier now.

 

Nobby

[Rearden Metal]

Spriggig,

 

May I ask if you regret the way you treated your wife?

 

IMO i am not at all supprised she left you and deeply hope you have learnt from this. You isolated her emotionally she must have been so miserable. I trully hope she is happier now.

 

Nobby

 

I don't speak for him, but I think he regrets his actions.

 

I, like you, truly don't understand the dynamic that led to his situation. I'm just such a totally different character type from Spriggy.

[nobmagnet]

I don't speak for him, but I think he regrets his actions.

 

I, like you, truly don't understand the dynamic that led to his situation. I'm just such a totally different character type from Spriggy.

 

 

having read some of you rposts darling you couldnt be more different:love::love:

 

Nobby xx

[spriggig]

Spriggig,

 

May I ask if you regret the way you treated your wife?

 

IMO i am not at all supprised she left you and deeply hope you have learnt from this. You isolated her emotionally she must have been so miserable. I trully hope she is happier now.

 

Nobby

 

OH, the regret! The pain! Yes, I've broken down and wailed like a baby several times. The guilt and pain caused stress that was out of this world. The first time I really felt it I was standing alone in my office at work and I literally dropped to my knees and wailed for 30 minutes. They came and closed my door. While I've forgiven myself as best I can, apologized to her and she claims to have forgiven me too, I still get emotional just writing this.

 

I'm not surprised she left me either in retrospect, but was she right to cheat on me first?

And does she bear no responsibility for not having confronted me directly about this-not once in the ten years she was in pain?

 

I'd be happy to hear what you think, these are still fresh questions for me.

 

And, have I learned? That's why I'm here. Please feel free to read some of my other posts if you want to know more.

Edited March 28, 2010 by spriggig

[Rearden Metal]

having read some of you rposts darling you couldnt be more different:love::love:

 

Nobby xx

 

He's a good man, even if he's done bad things. It's evident in his posts.

 

I might be different, but I've made terrible, debilitating errors in relationships. I'm no better a man than Spriggy.