RM's Breakup/Coping Log

[nobmagnet]

hi honey,

 

Just one comment......................BIG RED FLAG.

 

just as you are getting it together she wants to come back?

 

be afraid and prepared.

 

nobbyxx

[Rearden Metal]

Guys, I'm going to update this with a mega update shortly. It's too nice out right now and I need to go outside more. Just went shopping, bought some hot new clothes and another pair of sneakers to add to my ridiculously excessive collection...

 

And yes, I am being very careful. I'm still having my date tomorrow. My ex is fighting for a spot on the roster, as it stands. She'll have to show me something BIG for this to go anywhere.

 

But we have dinner plans for next Wednesday.

 

Update shortly...

[nobmagnet]

you git.

 

here in blighty it flippin horrid rain rain and more rain! hee heehee

 

 

hey new threads is good you are gonna feel much better on your night out and when you see the ex.

 

now gunny will say this better. but IMO smile lots and look happy and content when you meet the ex. Dont be drawn in with a pitty party for one. leave on your terms not hers. if you want her back let her want more of this man with confidence she fell in love with. let her miss you a little. Then talk.

 

Just my oppinion.............hey would work for me!

 

nobby xx:love:

[CarrieT]

My ex is fighting for a spot on the roster, as it stands. She'll have to show me something BIG for this to go anywhere.

 

But we have dinner plans for next Wednesday.

 

Update shortly...

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

Reardon, why are seeing your Ex? Read back through your posts at how you have been missing her less and moving forward? Dinner with her will be a HUGE step back!

 

The fact that you have made the dinner means you have been talking to her and that you have broken NC. WHY?

[spriggig]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

Reardon, why are seeing your Ex? Read back through your posts at how you have been missing her less and moving forward? Dinner with her will be a HUGE step back!

 

The fact that you have made the dinner means you have been talking to her and that you have broken NC. WHY?

 

Because he still loves her. Checkmate.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck, either way, good luck

[Rearden Metal]

I'm really fond of all you guys. I appreciate your advices, and your well wishes.

 

With that said, Ex and I are meeting tonight in Boston. I was going anyway to see a friends band played, I told her where I'd be. She asked if she could meet me there, I agreed.

 

I'll report tomorrow.

 

Also, a full report of how this came to be, I'm realizing, is an enormous task. There's literally 25-30 emails, some full of content. It's the most she's said to me since 6 months before we broke up. She's been very protective of her emotions and has started to be truthful with me about why she cut off her feelings. She's also told me that she has tried very hard to put me behind her, to move on, to date new people, and that she cannot stop thinking about me.

 

She said I'm the only person who understands her, and the only person who hasn't abandoned her due to her issues. She didn't know how to deal with that, and when combined with the mistrust she had for me (I deserved mistrust), that she became paranoid and very scared.

 

Yes, this girl is "damaged goods". But as Spriggig has so acutely noted, I love her. Checkmate.

 

Talk soon.

[spriggig]

 

Yes, this girl is "damaged goods". But as Spriggig has so acutely noted, I love her. Checkmate.

 

Talk soon.

 

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this. Be good to yourself.

[Rearden Metal]

I will. I won't bend my integrity for her ever again. She can choose to join me or she can move along.

 

Tonight will be interesting. I have no hopes, really. I just want to see her and see what happens.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm with you man. Honestly I'm done with assigning hard and fast rules for everything. So I dont agree with the "oohhh noo you're seeing her again, what is this weakness???" stuff. If it feels right, do it. If it doesnt, dont.

[monkeymaid]

tis the season! ...im thinking about calling the ex as well. ...decisions decisions. if it works, its gonna be a story!, if it doesnt, were here for you bro!

[MrsPeaSoup]

Really hope it all goes well.. no fiasco's, no bashed hopes, no nothing except a good time.

 

I really have no idea how late it is in Boston right now, but I wish you still the best of luck.

 

xx MrsPea

[GrayClouds]

tis the season! ...im thinking about calling the ex as well. ...decisions decisions. if it works, its gonna be a story!, if it doesnt, were here for you bro!

 

 

MM, dont.

 

RM is this the same girl who could not trust you. was judgmental when you were down, made you question your self esteem, did not communicate her problems to you, quickly got into relationship with an old EX?

[monkeymaid]

i promise cloud, i will not call the ex till i put the diesel in your land rover.

 

this place is wonderful for getting out your thoughts and ideas and keeping them as thoughts and ideas. its like punching a bag instead of someones face. you want it and want it and want it, but get it out in a healthy way. ...really cloud i promise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that being said ill be at the airport tomorrow morning. terminal 3 ...pick my ass up its gonna be cold! ...and ive got minutes to burn

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope all went well one way or the other

[Rearden Metal]

Hey guys...

 

Ex did not come out tonight. We spoke on the phone for 20 minutes or so, she has been suffering from migraines and allergies this week and opted out of the drive to Boston.

 

She offered to drive to me tomorrow but I declined. I have a date. And sunday I have family coming for Easter. I told her I'd call her Sunday night, and we re-affirmed plans to meet on Wednesday. Initially I suggested dinner for Wednesday, but she suggested that we spend the day after her school together, and then have dinner. So we'll have a good 3-4 hours to catch up on things.

 

I did tell her that absolutely, without equivocation, this was it for me. Do not dick me around. Be honest, give it our best and if it doesn't work, walk away. I'll give her one chance to be open and remain that way. My patience for anything less is gone.

 

Stay tuned, I'll be updating...

[Rearden Metal]

MM, dont.

 

RM is this the same girl who could not trust you. was judgmental when you were down, made you question your self esteem, did not communicate her problems to you, quickly got into relationship with an old EX?

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes and no. I was wrong about the last one. He was just someone she met while out.

 

The rest, yes.

 

She will learn to trust me or I will leave. She will pass judgement verbally or I will leave. I will not question my self worth based on my relationship to her ever again. She will communicate her problems to me or I will leave.

 

One might say it's inevitable that I end up leaving. I'm willing to try and prove you wrong.

[MrsPeaSoup]

Hey guys...

 

I did tell her that absolutely, without equivocation, this was it for me. Do not dick me around. Be honest, give it our best and if it doesn't work, walk away. I'll give her one chance to be open and remain that way. My patience for anything less is gone.

 

Wow, very good of you to say her that! So she knows she doesn't need to f*** with you. Very impressive speech RM.

 

Happy easter!

[blind_otter]

Well, I think we all have to do these tests sometimes, just to prove something to ourselves.

 

Even though I knew what he would say, I did something similar to my ex where I offered him a year to get it together, go to AA or get into inpatient rehab, and make a committment to bettering himself. THe first thing out of his mouth was "A YEAR?! Why does it have to be so long?"

 

And then I just retracted the statement and said nevermind, without trying to explain myself any further. Because that was really all the proof I needed.

 

IME, though, going back to an ex is usually a bad idea. The issues that caused you to split will remain, barring intensive therapy and counseling - or merely a long period of separation. Once you get into a pattern with someone you are much more likely to return to that pattern. It usually takes a couple of weeks though. At first there is a lovely honeymoon and you think everything is going to be great. Once they move back in though, it usually goes back to the same old after a month or two.

 

JMO. I've had more than one longterm relationship, and I've tried to work it out with my ex more times than I can count. Now I'm deflated, angry, resentful, bitter, and DONE.

[Rearden Metal]

God... I think... I think I'm getting a life!

 

I posted SIX HUNDRED posts on here in like a few weeks. Now, I can't get 5 mins to update this thread. I got up early, hit the gym, making food now. Got a date, I feel great today

 

Talked to my Ex this AM. More progress. I told her I'm going on a date today, too. I have no fear of her at this point in time. My goal is to never fear her again.

 

She said some interesting things. And she sent me the lyrics to a song. Here they are:

 

Need You Now Lyrics

 

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

 

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

 

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

 

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

 

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

 

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

 

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

 

And I don't know how I can do without

 

I just need you now

 

I just need you now

 

Ooo, baby, I need you now

[djentleman]

I was temporarily living at my mom's after the split, and the ex texted lyrics from that song to me. She sent me a youtube URL to the video too. She called me crying and asked if I would come over, because she needed to see me, and she played the OnDemand video while we sat on the couch. I went over, and any and all conversations were devoid of "us." She didn't need me. In fact, maybe just a slight glimpse of me in the flesh was all she needed. So, seriously, fck that song!

[Rearden Metal]

I was temporarily living at my mom's after the split, and the ex texted lyrics from that song to me. She sent me a youtube URL to the video too. She called me crying and asked if I would come over, because she needed to see me, and she played the OnDemand video while we sat on the couch. I went over, and any and all conversations were devoid of "us." She didn't need me. In fact, maybe just a slight glimpse of me in the flesh was all she needed. So, seriously, fck that song!

 

 

Haha... I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh at this. I just think it's funny. The song is obviously meaningless, as is the girl sending it.

 

But our conversations have been about "us" for 2 days. And if this goes anywhere, it will be about "us" for an hour a week in front of a counselor. I won't continue without that.

 

The second she gets the upper hand, or tries to exert power, I'm walking. Eventually, should we reconcile, I'll have to allow her some control, but at this point there's no fu**ing way I'm letting up on my Kung Fu grip.

[djentleman]

Nonetheless, it's great to hear there's a foundation of reconciliation there, whether it works or not, and it's great to hear you're not focusing all your energy on that, but continuing to pursue your own needs.

[Rearden Metal]

Here it is, a cool, slightly transformed...Just a lil' break from the norm....just a lil' somethin' to break the monotony of all that hardcore jazz that has gotten to be a lil' outta control...

 

Yeah... so here's an update, backwards style. Had a party today for Easter with my 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 2 nieces and a nephew. Then some family friends showed up. Party all day, basketball, ping pong, BBQ ribs with a spread from heaven. Beers all day and night. Sat around talking and drawing each other at night. Blissful visit...

 

Last night... date with the new girl. Walked around a local pond and talked. Went to the beach and watched the waves. Ate dinner at a restaurant on the water, went home and watched 2 movies, then... we got it on. She was pretty good. Now, I'm a bit of a freak... but she didn't back down and I saw that we could be pretty compatible sexually... HOWEVER, after having lots of foreplay and some of the main course, I found my mind preoccupied... WITH MY EX. I actually couldn't finish. I felt wrong. I started to wish I wasn't there.

 

When she left for the night, I was relieved....

 

This AM, I chatted via text with my Ex and then on the phone for an hour. Talked for an hour, really upbeat convo about her school, what I've been up to, therapy, just life in general and good stuff. She asked about the new girl and I said I wasn't committing to ANYONE right now, I'm living my life and focusing on me. Being selfish. We talked a little about how she clammed up months before we broke up, stopped talking to me. I think we made some significant progress towards being able to talk openly going forward. We had a great cadence and rapport, so I'm happy that we took the time to talk. Wednesday I'm picking her up after her school and spending a few hours in Boston, and having dinner. I'm looking for a significant verbal commitment with concrete plans on how to actively promote reconciliation.

 

Then we talked again tonight, briefly. I asked her if she was happy and she said that she was happier with me. I asked if she thought we could work things out and she said that she wanted to try. I told her that I would also, and then cut the conversation off.

 

We are meeting Wednesday to spend the day after her school together... then dinner. I'll update this if anything happens before then...

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hmmm... I'm not seeing any red flags yet.. except please remember to take it slow. As in don't end up in bed with her before you're sure issues are fixed/fixable and you're 100% comfortable. You definitely can't rush this sort of thing........... Good job for dating the other girl. Even if that dosn't work out it's great to be able to say you've tested the waters elsewhere.