RM's Breakup/Coping Log

[Rearden Metal]

Hmmm... I'm not seeing any red flags yet.. except please remember to take it slow. As in don't end up in bed with her before you're sure issues are fixed/fixable and you're 100% comfortable. You definitely can't rush this sort of thing........... Good job for dating the other girl. Even if that dosn't work out it's great to be able to say you've tested the waters elsewhere.

 

I won't sleep with her right away. Not until we have gone out a few times, are committed to working on things together (counseling, regular downtime to air out problems/concerns/wishes/hopes/dreams).. and in general constructing the relationship we should have had.

 

At the same time that I need her to open up, I need to continue to be focused on my own growth, my own life. I cannot stop moving forward.

[CarrieT]

How was Saturday's date?

[Fouts]

RM, your inability to focus in the sack is normal, so don't let that play on your mind. It would've been nice if you could've at least busted with her and relieve some stress, but hey, hopefully you took care of that after

 

I know for your own piece of mind and to heal your broken heart that you're going to get back with your ex. Most people do what you're going to do, but won't own up to it. At least you're man enough to admit it.

 

Not that you care, but I'm not giving it my seal of approval, the back and forth game never works. You're not moving forward in life, you're moving backward to try and recapture what you had after she tore you apart. I'm not Nostradamus, but I will tell you something you don't want to hear, and that is that it won't work. The honeymoon period and make-up sex will be great, it always is. But the previous issues are a cancer and unfortunately they will re-appear and continue to grow until you both can finally let go of those emotional bonds and end it permanently.

 

I won't be a downer on your thread and by all means enjoy the euphoria of getting back together for however long it lasts, but I also won't say I told you so when you break up again, just remember this post for what it's worth.

 

If I didn't feel for ya, I wouldn't take the time to type it up bro, Good luck.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Eh. I disagree. I think second chances can work under the right circumstances. He just has to see if she wants this thing bad enough to actually change. She might or she might not.

[CarrieT]

Eh. I disagree. I think second chances can work under the right circumstances. He just has to see if she wants this thing bad enough to actually change. She might or she might not.

 

I believe the bigger question would be, what issues does she have with RM? The onus of changing can't be 100% on her because then it will never work -- there will always be *something* she has to do to make it work.

 

I'm not saying that RM is blame free, but the reasons relationships break down is rarely the fault of one person entirely and part of second chances is figuring out compromises and meeting in the middle to make it work.

[Rearden Metal]

Three really good posts in a row. Thanks.

 

Fouts, I don't doubt a word you're saying. At the very least, I am cognizant of the likelihood you are correct. Ultimately, I will have to hold myself to a higher standard (regarding how I treat myself) and cut bait should things go badly. One thing I disagree with is that I am trying to recapture what we had before she tore it apart. I'm not remotely interested in having THAT relationship again.

 

CarrieT, I'm definitely equally (more or less) to blame for our problems. I don't expect my Ex to carry the burden. I expect a healthy mix of honest reflection, positive interaction and bonding experience. I.E. a "relationship".

 

I'm willing to work at it, as long as she is.

[Fouts]

I know your eyes are wide open RM. In spite of what I wrote, I hope you can foster something better this time around and make it work. There's always exceptions, so good luck my friend

[monkeymaid]

 

I'm not saying that RM is blame free, but the reasons relationships break down is rarely the fault of one person entirely and part of second chances is figuring out compromises and meeting in the middle to make it work.

^^^^^^^^^this is god speaking ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

im sure in metals case, it was him focusing his emotional center too much into her.

 

some of us just give too much!

 

GO FOR IT RM!!!!!!!!! handle that ****!!! report back with confimation!

[Rearden Metal]

Wassup boiiis and gurls?

 

Monkey, you know you're right, because we are Step-Brothers. We have some very similar lives, on opposite coasts...

 

Fouts, I appreciate your support. And your honesty. More than you know.

 

So the ex broke it off with her dude last night. I tried extra hard to not comment in any way about the situation, and she told me very little. Basically, she had told him last week she wasn't feeling for him what he felt for her, and he relented and continued to try to see her (and not give her space). Poor guy, he hasn't read any of this stuff that we all know about (NC, not being clingy).

 

So we talked via IM for a bit, and talked about the experience apart, having slept with other people, about each others families... we laughed about the time I took her into Tiffany's to look at rings. She said she was pooping her pants because we were so miserable yet there I was bringing her in there. I agreed, told her it was denial. This led to some more layers peeled back, some more baring of the soul so to speak.

 

All in all, I feel that we're doing a good job at respecting each others boundaries, needs and talking openly. We'll be meeting tomorrow to spend some time together then have dinner, so I'll update after that.

 

Oh.. had a great therapy session yesterday. Talked about work (going well), personal goals (getting better) and about the ex (much more confident, from a position of personal strength). I'm very happy about my decision to have entered counseling.

[Rearden Metal]

It's gametime, kids.

 

Fresh shave (tight beard). Check. Fresh clothes. Check. New scent (D & G). Check.

 

Car wash. Check. Manicure/Pedicure. Check. Yes, really.

 

Time to go bowling. Yes, really.

[Rearden Metal]

Oh, and still working on myself, guys. Two illustrations done, one to go to bring to the Boston Comic Con on Saturday. Gonna get a spot on a comic anthology or die trying

[MrsPeaSoup]

RM, just curious: I'm sure you have mentioned it in you posts, but it's already the 13th page and I didn't wanted to go through al these posts, but:

 

How long has it been since you two broke up? And how long did NC last?

 

I wish you all the best of luck, though. I really hope things will work out. You have proven to yourself that you are perfectly capable to live without her, you've even started seeing someone new! So here's a thought that may be of help:

 

You can see it this way:

It's a win-win situation right now. If you get back together with your ex, it's great. If you don't, you know that life is still nice without her.

[CarrieT]

How long has it been since you two broke up? And how long did NC last?

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, RM, but I *believe* they have only been broken up about six weeks and NC was fairly inconsistent - there were break-through contacts versus 100% NC.

[Rearden Metal]

Broke up New Years day. First NC was Feb1- 15, then Feb17-March4 or so, then Mid March-April 1.

 

Each time she broke NC. Each time, I replied, and when I did not hear what I liked, I went back to NC.

 

This time, she persisted, I told her I was listening if she was talking, and the floodgates opened.

 

We just needed space and silence. We still need it, to a large degree. But at least we are discussing things in a manner we never were able to before.

[Rearden Metal]

So the date tonight went very well! I met her outside Boston where we parked her car and then drove into Boston together. The traffic was horrendous but it gave us an hour to chat and catch up about our families, work and school and the normal ice-breaker topics. After a bit in the car, she was smiling and gesturing with her hands and touched my arm a number of times. I kept a bit of a distance but enjoyed our talk a lot.

 

Then we parked near Fenway, mingled with the Sox/Yankees crowd, and finally settled on an Irish Pub on Lansdowne St right outside Fenway for dinner. We talked the entire time, and for the first time in our relationship I feel like we could talk to each other without fear of disapproval from the other. We talked about our experiences dating, about our own break up and the expectations we both had going forward. It was clear quickly that we were both in a better emotional and mental place and able to relate without fear or objection to each others thoughts. And it was also clear that the attraction was still there.

 

After dinner, we made our way to Lucky Strike bowling alley and bowled two frames and had a couple drinks. It's the first time in a long time I saw her smile and laugh while doing something. She was having a blast bowling and alllllllmost beat me, too... Haha of course me being me, I had to bowl two strikes to win the last game and I did it. She cracked up laughing and was like "ohhhh RM, couldn't let the girl win one could ya?" and "is there anything you're not good at?" (the answer is no)...

 

We then walked back to the car, then drove back to hers, allowing a bunch more time to talk. We held hands on the way back, bantered, and talked about various subjects. Then, when we got to her car, we kissed a bit (she initiated) and confirmed plans to meet next Wednesday.

[DontWorryBHappy]

You inspire me to stay NC. Glad things look promising.

[Rearden Metal]

You inspire me to stay NC. Glad things look promising.

 

Definitely stay NC. No matter if you want to reconcile or not, it's the best possible way to go.

 

NC allowed, no, forced me to face the prospect of never talking to her again. As such, I started the process of healing myself that is still taking place.

 

If I didn't go NC, even for the month or so I did, I'd not be in the headspace necessary to tackle this attempt at reconciliation.

 

Don't break NC.

[DustySaltus]

She cracked up laughing and was like "ohhhh RM, couldn't let the girl win one could ya?" and "is there anything you're not good at?" (the answer is no)...

 

This made me laugh. Glad you're doing well, one day at a time.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Could not agree more RM.... If there was/is any chance of reconciliation I wouldnt get anywhere near it with him still being on my facebook and text messaging and all of that.... And if there isn't any chance then I needed to detach from him anyway. I dont know why I ignored all the advice to block him for a good 2 weeks.... denial I guess. Anyway keep it up.

[Rearden Metal]

You ignored it because it runs counter to what you FEEL should work. You just have to realize that your ex FEELS differently than you do at this time. That doesn't mean they don't love you, miss you, want you.

 

It just means that the rift between you that caused the breakup grew too large for them to ignore anymore. They addressed it by trying to move on. That means there's nothing you can do or say that will get through to them.

 

Only with space and reflection can they learn what you truly meant to them. And only with that same space and reflection can you begin to get back to being you. Don't you think it would benefit your relationship with him, should it begin again, to have healed and moved forward with your life? It's a rhetorical question. Of course it does.

 

Stay NC. Read my log over. Look at how much pain I was in, look at the advice I was given. I followed it as well as I possibly could. I started feeling better and my frame of mind improved immensely. When my ex contacted me, I was no longer a desperate man. Nor was I a pushover. I was purely being as open a conduit as possible to let her speak, and I gave her the most genuine replies I could. From that came a wellspring of communication, and here I am now with at least an honest chance at a better relationship with the girl I love.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thank you RM, let me say that I probably respect you the most out of everyone on loveshack. I know you've been through so much and it's been quite a road.... but look at you now! You've grown so much. I only hope I didn't damage things too badly with my drunk texting disaster right before I cut contact. Did you and your ex have any "contact disasters" before or mid-NC? And also the fact that I poured all my heart and love into the final NC letter before the blocking... still not sure if that was the best choice but I don't really regret it. At least he knows how I feel... Anyway I'm gonna re-read your blog today.

Edited April 8, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[Rearden Metal]

Firstly, I don't deserve to be singled out as the most respected member. There are several top notch guys and gals on this site that contribute to the betterment of my well being. Too many to list w/out forgetting someone!

 

Yeah, I made ALL the same mistakes. Our last contact before this was literally a 2 way insult barrage with threats of restraining orders, nasty insults and then complete silence. I did my best healing after that, thinking that it was 100% over and time to move on.

 

And yeah, before that I sent a sappy email, an accusatory email... I've done it all. It wasn't until I said "leave me be, I don't want to hear from you again. And you won't be hearing from me" that I started really healing. And she knew that her contacting me with crumbs would fall on deaf ears.

 

Before that, I said "don't contact me unless you're thinking of reconciliation". That was a mistake. That allowed her to poke at me with crumbs/carrots and keep me engaged, even to a small extent.

 

You gotta just cut it off. Then you have to go outside and play in the dirt. Literally. That's all there is. Day one, day two, day three...then one day it's like oh I'm enjoying this dirt!

[Rearden Metal]

I'm wary of the honeymoon phase. Ex and I have been in near constant contact and to this point it's been drama free. But it hasn't occurred yet that I go out without her (tonight I will) and that's when she gets crazy. Her insecurities and jealousy can be monumental problems. But I need to test her and make sure she can handle it. We need to keep momentum building trust, and at some point that's got to mean she will have to face her fears.

 

Nevertheless, yesterday we had some playful text banter, and made plans past this Wednesday. Wednesday we are going to a museum exhibit and dinner, but last night we made plans to spend 2.5 days/2 nights together next weekend.

 

The challenge for me is to remain in a position of strength. Which means today, despite my hatred of game playing, I'm going to have to slow down my response to her texting. I know she craves continual stimulation and interaction, but I also know it leads to burn-out. I am going to have to keep my focus on the long term, which is to continue strengthening myself and my commitment to my own life.

 

Overall, I'm pleased to have this opportunity with her. I just want to assure she makes the strides in her life that I am in mine, and not to compromise the work I've done just because she came back.

 

So today I'm travelling to RI and CT to give two presentations. Work has really picked up and I might *gasp* even make a living this year. Pretty much expected a really tough, scrape by year, but our numbers in the first quarter exceeded last years halfway mark. So that means much better commissions, which means I could pay my debt off entirely by years end. That's a huge goal. Then, with any luck, another good year and I'll be back to kicking ass like I was pre-divorce.

 

Gotta get up and moving. Have a great day, all.

[DontWorryBHappy]

The challenge for me is to remain in a position of strength. Which means today, despite my hatred of game playing, I'm going to have to slow down my response to her texting. I know she craves continual stimulation and interaction, but I also know it leads to burn-out.

 

This. I'd be worried about the burn-out too.... There have been so many emotions between you both since the break up and she just ended things with that other guy. The only option here is to take things slow.

[GrayClouds]

I know she craves continual stimulation and interaction, but I also know it leads to burn-out. I am going to have to keep my focus on the long term, which is to continue strengthening myself and my commitment to my own life.

 

 

A bit of a drama queen? What happens when the relationship returns to a comfortable but inevitable routine again?