RM's Breakup/Coping Log

[Rearden Metal]

I know lol -can see that

 

You'll get there dontcha worry mate ;)

 

Thanks man. I appreciate the constructive criticism and care you put into your posts. I know you speak from the truth and it's very much appreciated.

[Rearden Metal]

Went with my little sister to Alice and Wonderland today. Had lunch at Panera first and 3 cute girls totally ignored me, which was weird. I usually get at least a look. Must be my vibe.

 

Halfway through the movie, I got really really anxious and felt terrible that I was missing my Ex. She wasn't next to me holding my hand. I'm not going to see her anymore. She doesn't love me or want me around. I'm nobody.

 

It's irrational, because I know she's a fantastic mess and terrible for me. I know it's the hugest favor anyone's done for me, her leaving me. I know I'm infinitely better off without ANY contact from her EVER again. Yet I pine for it. I want to snuggle up and lay on her breasts like I used to, her stroking my head and kissing me. I miss so much about her that is gone Gone GONE GONE....

 

I have my profile up on a dating site. I'm getting very few hits. In the past when I dated, I got bombarded with hits all the time on the sites. It's like my mojo is completely empty. It's sad.

 

I'll pick myself up tomorrow. I have family here, so I'm going to try to put a happy face on and mingle. Take care LSers.

[nowomanocry]

Went with my little sister to Alice and Wonderland today. Had lunch at Panera first and 3 cute girls totally ignored me, which was weird. I usually get at least a look. Must be my vibe.

 

Halfway through the movie, I got really really anxious and felt terrible that I was missing my Ex. She wasn't next to me holding my hand. I'm not going to see her anymore. She doesn't love me or want me around. I'm nobody.

 

It's irrational, because I know she's a fantastic mess and terrible for me. I know it's the hugest favor anyone's done for me, her leaving me. I know I'm infinitely better off without ANY contact from her EVER again. Yet I pine for it. I want to snuggle up and lay on her breasts like I used to, her stroking my head and kissing me. I miss so much about her that is gone Gone GONE GONE....

 

I have my profile up on a dating site. I'm getting very few hits. In the past when I dated, I got bombarded with hits all the time on the sites. It's like my mojo is completely empty. It's sad.

 

I'll pick myself up tomorrow. I have family here, so I'm going to try to put a happy face on and mingle. Take care LSers.

 

Rearden

 

u punk, wondering where ya been, happy to have you here agen, was worried about u

 

Anyways we all here with u,

 

U know where to come when u need a kick in the azz lol

 

Wot u calling us loosers by LSers lmfao

 

Talk soon mate

 

Have a luvly sunday : D

[Rearden Metal]

Yeah I've been on and off here today. My mind has switched from hoping to get my ex back to hoping she fixes her problems and I fix mine, and then I won't care to hear from her. I just want the best for her and maybe I feel like without me, she's really fcked. IDK.

 

I do miss her, though. Miss her smell. Miss her sex. Miss her lips. Miss her hair. Miss her eyes. Miss her dog. Miss her ridiculous father and his weird grunting. Miss her amazing breasts. Miss her sexy dancing. Miss her hugs and cuddles. Miss her leaving me love notes. Miss the way she says "Hi baby" when she comes home.

 

I hope soon I won't miss any of it anymore.

[nowomanocry]

Yeah I've been on and off here today. My mind has switched from hoping to get my ex back to hoping she fixes her problems and I fix mine, and then I won't care to hear from her. I just want the best for her and maybe I feel like without me, she's really fcked. IDK.

 

I do miss her, though. Miss her smell. Miss her sex. Miss her lips. Miss her hair. Miss her eyes. Miss her dog. Miss her ridiculous father and his weird grunting. Miss her amazing breasts. Miss her sexy dancing. Miss her hugs and cuddles. Miss her leaving me love notes. Miss the way she says "Hi baby" when she comes home.

 

I hope soon I won't miss any of it anymore.

 

Morning!

 

Yeah, I know what you feel, ups and downs everyday, despite she ruined your life, it's very kind of u still to feel this way wishing her the best. Makes you a cool, civilised guy with a great heart! She is stupid to leave someone like you. But I tell u wot simply say "u made the biggest mistake and u gona regret it one day"...

 

Lmao man! I understand that you miss all that what's with the dog??????? wtf .. Her father??????? Man wtf u talkin' about lol

 

Anyway, laters mate

Edited March 14, 2010 by nowomanocry

[Rearden Metal]

We shared a life together, and her dog was my dog too. Her dad is a wanker but I find myself even missing him. I just miss all the positive stuff about her...

 

But the negative stuff is overwhelming. She is a fckin nightmare...

[monkeymaid]

**** a duck bro, we are living the same thing here! it was the movies for me too. ...then exercise cuz i made her start doing it and cuz we did it together 6 days a week, and food cuz i eat healthier now thanks to her, and clothes cuz she loved my style and me hers........ and waking up and that good morning kiss or lay, and then making breakfast and her dog was soo cool, and that have a good day hug, and .....i am just killing myself now.

 

 

...do we really deserve all of this pain? what did you do do warrant such ****? think honestly. ...deid you do something wring here? did you keep your emotions bottled? did you lie to her about anything, or apologize to her just to stop an argument?

[Rearden Metal]

**** a duck bro, we are living the same thing here! it was the movies for me too. ...then exercise cuz i made her start doing it and cuz we did it together 6 days a week, and food cuz i eat healthier now thanks to her, and clothes cuz she loved my style and me hers........ and waking up and that good morning kiss or lay, and then making breakfast and her dog was soo cool, and that have a good day hug, and .....i am just killing myself now.

 

 

...do we really deserve all of this pain? what did you do do warrant such ****? think honestly. ...deid you do something wring here? did you keep your emotions bottled? did you lie to her about anything, or apologize to her just to stop an argument?

 

In fairness to my ex, when we met she was the first real relationship since I had been divorced. I had been partying and dating and some of the girls still kept texting me. I wasn't super quick about being locked down again, and I definitely behaved badly for the first month we were together. I NEVER cheated and didn't want to, but I liked the attention from girls.

 

I straightened up after a month or two. Deleted everyone out of my phone/etc. We moved in together but she had become really super untrusting of me (way beyond what was realistic) and would start **** ALL the time. Then she looked into my old email account and found stuff from literally 6-7 years ago and started using that against me too. I did the same and found some really disturbing stuff about her, too. I tried to sit her down and explain that we both had a past, but that it was our right and decision to go forward instead of live in the past... but she never could. Instead, she'd ignore anything I said about her and play up everything about me. It was totally unfair at that point.

 

Even now, she says she just can't trust me. But I've done nothing but build her trust for 11 months. I gave her my phone password, my emails, everything. I have nothing to hide. But she just harps that I'm untrustworthy, and it's debilitating because I can't prove otherwise.

 

Now she says she's with someone she doesn't need to worry about. I know who he is, she dated him before me and left him because he wasn't edgy enough (like I am). If what she needs is to feel safe, then I wish her the best. But she could have had someone edgy and fun and ambitious in me AND I'd have kept true to her. Once I fell for her, there was nobody else for me whatsoever.

[Rearden Metal]

Right now I'm taking solace in the fact that her guy can't give her what I gave her in the bedroom. She told me about him and said she lived with the sub-par sex because he was so nice.

 

Have fun with that, girl. I rocked your world. We had 2-3 hour sessions, sometimes longer. I unlocked your inner desires, we did things people don't talk about and we loved every second. Have fun with the missionary lovemaking!

[Rearden Metal]

Heyoooo LS'ers-

 

Update-

 

No contact since thursday, and feeling GREAT about that. I don't want her in my life at all in her present form. I feel much more confident that I can/will deflect her if/when she tries to contact me now.

 

The last two nights, I've been in Boston to see some indie rock shows. Saw my brother and a longtime best friend and had drinks and Indian food. Saw great music. I found myself RELIEVED that my ex wasn't around because I was always having to be super attentive to her comfort level when we were in "my environment". Meaning if it was a bar or rock show or something like that, she'd be out of her element (pretty girl w makeup, likes hip hop etc)...

 

Also I was happy not to have to field 45 texts all night about if it was fun, who was there, are there girls? Where are you sleeping, will there be girls there? Did you get laid? (Yes, she'd ask me that almost every time I wasn't home for a night).

 

Other update, she unblocked me on FB (although we aren't friends) and AIM. I chose to block her on AIM but keep my profile public on FB for a while to let her see my upbeat updates, pics and that I'm out and about NOT pining over her. I know I'm being childish, I'll hide/block her soon, I just feel like rubbing it in. Fck her!

[nowomanocry]

Heyoooo LS'ers-

 

Update-

 

No contact since thursday, and feeling GREAT about that. I don't want her in my life at all in her present form. I feel much more confident that I can/will deflect her if/when she tries to contact me now.

 

The last two nights, I've been in Boston to see some indie rock shows. Saw my brother and a longtime best friend and had drinks and Indian food. Saw great music. I found myself RELIEVED that my ex wasn't around because I was always having to be super attentive to her comfort level when we were in "my environment". Meaning if it was a bar or rock show or something like that, she'd be out of her element (pretty girl w makeup, likes hip hop etc)...

 

Also I was happy not to have to field 45 texts all night about if it was fun, who was there, are there girls? Where are you sleeping, will there be girls there? Did you get laid? (Yes, she'd ask me that almost every time I wasn't home for a night).

 

Other update, she unblocked me on FB (although we aren't friends) and AIM. I chose to block her on AIM but keep my profile public on FB for a while to let her see my upbeat updates, pics and that I'm out and about NOT pining over her. I know I'm being childish, I'll hide/block her soon, I just feel like rubbing it in. Fck her!

 

Hey RM

 

Glad to hear the good news tho except Indian food sucks lol

 

As for the FB thing, as you are confident of yourself, in my opinion, erase her from friends list so that the c..t knows for sure you not interested in her anymore .... ;=)

[Rearden Metal]

Oh, she's erased. I just put my "wall" public so girls I'm trying to date can check me out. So she'll be able to see me, but can't interact.

[nowomanocry]

Oh, she's erased. I just put my "wall" public so girls I'm trying to date can check me out. So she'll be able to see me, but can't interact.

 

Good, wear r all da gurls den heh heh whoop whoop whoop

[Rearden Metal]

I'm a dead sexy individual nwnc... once I get my mojo, getting girls isn't a problem. It's a process, LOL.

[Rearden Metal]

Ok, so I stopped dicking around and blocked her completely, and hid my profile on FB. Also deleted the online dating profile I had up (it wasn't doing anything for me currently) that I know she saw. I'll put one up on another site in a bit.

 

So she's all the way blocked from everything now. Just up to me to ignore should she try to contact me again.

[Rearden Metal]

OK for the FB profile but why did u delete the online dating profile she knew?

 

No reason blocking her as long as you are self-confident and sure that she can't play with you no more mate......

 

Deleted the online dating profile because the site sucked anyway. I don't feel like logging in at all.

 

I just feel like going "ghost" now. I don't care if she looks for me, I don't want to think about it much anymore.

 

Headed off to the gym in a few mins.

[Rearden Metal]

Hey all,

 

Today is a week since the last contact occurred. Which means we've had the better part of 3 weeks with very LC.

 

Today was hard. I gave 3 presentations in Boston, and was occupied all day, but still had severe urges to check my phone almost constantly, and feelings of loss all day.

 

I even had a daydream that I was giving her oral sex. That sucked, no pun intended. I hate to think about things that I want from her that she's giving other men now. It does me no good whatsoever to think about it, but I do.

 

I still have very strong feelings of "ownership" of my ex. Like this whole thing is a mistake and she's mine still but just hasn't snapped out of it. It's such a stupid, egotistical POV but it creeps in all the time.

 

Going out tomorrow night with one of my best friends. We're going to skip the bars and go to a lounge that's supposed to be more upscale. Hopefully I'm able to keep my mind off of her and have a good time.

 

This girl really did a number on me. Geez.

[GrayClouds]

We going completely NC will help, all the facy-facebook crap is just another way to hold on to the pain. More then anything you just need to give it some time and be patient with yourself.

[monkeymaid]

cloud, you are everywhere!...thanks again for that! rm, i am almost 3 weeks and am right there with you!!

i dont think they are coming back bro!

 

eff em, we dont need them (want intensely maybe)

 

what are you filling your time with?

[nowomanocry]

Hey all,

 

Today is a week since the last contact occurred. Which means we've had the better part of 3 weeks with very LC.

 

Today was hard. I gave 3 presentations in Boston, and was occupied all day, but still had severe urges to check my phone almost constantly, and feelings of loss all day.

 

I even had a daydream that I was giving her oral sex. That sucked, no pun intended. I hate to think about things that I want from her that she's giving other men now. It does me no good whatsoever to think about it, but I do.

 

I still have very strong feelings of "ownership" of my ex. Like this whole thing is a mistake and she's mine still but just hasn't snapped out of it. It's such a stupid, egotistical POV but it creeps in all the time.

 

Going out tomorrow night with one of my best friends. We're going to skip the bars and go to a lounge that's supposed to be more upscale. Hopefully I'm able to keep my mind off of her and have a good time.

 

This girl really did a number on me. Geez.

 

Lol RM, well I am feeling way better after very LC since start Feb and feel more comfortable that I'll get over it....

 

Enjoy the nite out mate ;)

[Rearden Metal]

cloud, you are everywhere!...thanks again for that! rm, i am almost 3 weeks and am right there with you!!

i dont think they are coming back bro!

 

eff em, we dont need them (want intensely maybe)

 

what are you filling your time with?

 

 

I've been heading into Boston almost everyday for work or fun for the last week. Tonight I'm going out with a good friend. Tomorrow I'm not sure, guess it depends on weather. I'd like to golf if the weather holds up.

 

I've been playing cards, drawing, going to the gym. Stuff I'd normally do. I even started reading again, which I hadn't been able to do for a couple months because my mind wasn't at peace.

 

I'm really sad still, but I get through it better. I'm not distraught. I cry very infrequently. I get angrier a bit more often, which is probably good but I'm not enjoying it.

 

I get sad for her, too. I feel like she's making terrible choices and she'll later pay for it. I don't want her to suffer like that. It seems inevitable, though. Sigh.

[Rearden Metal]

Went out Fri and Sat nights, drank lots, ate badly. Mingled a little bit but mostly just stuck with my friends.

 

Today is another day 10 of NC. Which means out of the last month, we've had one short IM conversation, and a short negative text conversation that ended with her being a nasty bi*ch again and me telling her to please enjoy her life and not contact me anymore.

 

So out of the last month, we've had almost no contact, and nothing positive. I wish I could let go, but I'm still thinking about her every day. She fills in the cracks of time when there's silence. I hate it.

 

Going to try to relax and read. Eat something. Occupy myself. Have counseling tomorrow, need to focus on what I want to talk about. I'm in limbo, treading water. I need to get better.

[GrayClouds]

Stay away from the drink for a month or so, it keeps you in this down place.

[Rearden Metal]

Stay away from the drink for a month or so, it keeps you in this down place.

 

 

I drink usually one night, every 3 weeks or so, socially, to see my friends. I don't think it's effecting me in my coping process.

 

But I see your point. If I were out every weekend 2 nights, I'd have to agree with you.

 

Also, I'm dieting now, so I really have to cut back on drinking and bad food.

[blind_otter]

 

Also, I'm dieting now, so I really have to cut back on drinking and bad food.

 

When it comes to your body, crap goes in, crap comes out - so to speak. You will feel worse if you eat bad food. I'm normally a whole foods eat from my garden type of girl, and after my split I went "no-face-atarian" as my friends like to call it - I'll eat anything that doesn't have a face.

 

Yesterday, though, I gave in and had some McDonald's french fries and a coffee for lunch. Boy did I feel ****eous last night. Back to tofu, tempeh and broccoli for me.

 

I won't get on my alcohol soap box, but I will say it's a natural depressant, so why would you want to increase your depressive tendencies, if only for a day or two, at this point?

 

It is hard, though, to retrain your brain. I know what you mean.