RM's Breakup/Coping Log

[monkeymaid]

A bit of a drama queen? What happens when the relationship returns to a comfortable but inevitable routine again?

 

 

there is the real test!!

[Rearden Metal]

It's absolutely a concern. And one I'll make vocal to her at our next meeting.

[GrayClouds]

It's absolutely a concern. And one I'll make vocal to her at our next meeting.

 

Problems is words can but a substitute for action, I suggest rather expressing it as a concern of yours asking her if she see it as an issue? If she does not then you have your answer.

 

If she too see it as an issue then she should be able to express what actions she has done to address the issue so she does not repeat the pattern. Again if she has not done any work, show any actions the pattern will likely continue and again you have your answer.

 

You can then walk away or comeback and see us in 6 to 9 months

 

I do wish you well RM and hope everything works out best for you.

[Rearden Metal]

You guys are all on the couch w your popcorn, aren't ya?

 

Look, I know there are issues. Find me a relationship without any and I'll show you two people that don't have sex (been there). So there's a dynamic, and it requires both parties to participate.

 

It's my job to stand my ground and not tolerate bad behavior, to address my concerns and to listen and address hers.

 

GC, I'm fully aware of the possibility/likelihood of the scenario you've described. Yet, I'm compelled to try. At least this time I'm going into it with an understanding of how things COULD work.

[GrayClouds]

You guys are all on the couch w your popcorn, aren't ya?

 

Look, I know there are issues. Find me a relationship without any and I'll show you two people that don't have sex (been there). So there's a dynamic, and it requires both parties to participate.

 

It's my job to stand my ground and not tolerate bad behavior, to address my concerns and to listen and address hers.

 

GC, I'm fully aware of the possibility/likelihood of the scenario you've described. Yet, I'm compelled to try. At least this time I'm going into it with an understanding of how things COULD work.

 

Please do not get me wrong, I want this to work for you. But I do admit to a biases. It leans to this person who I meet at a time when they were feeling very poorly, at time down right struggling. I was lucky to have the opportunity to see over the course of weeks this person put down the shovel, and climb out of the whole. Not only get out but actually got stronger, who in return could help other see their way out of their holes.

 

I was lucky to be able to watch him. So if I seem anything less the hopeful, it is only because I feel a bit protective of that person and what he accomplished.

[Rearden Metal]

Please do not get me wrong, I want this to work for you. But I do admit to a biases. It leans to this person who I meet at a time when they were feeling very poorly, at time down right struggling. I was lucky to have the opportunity to see over the course of weeks this person put down the shovel, and climb out of the whole. Not only get out but actually got stronger, who in return could help other see their way out of their holes.

 

I was lucky to be able to watch him. So if I seem anything less the hopeful, it is only because I feel a bit protective of that person and what he accomplished.

 

GC, it was you, Fouts, monkeymaid, Unsaved, McGrupp, DenverBachelor, skydiveaddict, CarrieT, Spriggig, DontWorryBHappy and several others who gave me such fantastic advice and perspective, who continue to genuinely care about my well-being enough to not sugar coat things, who, out of the kindness of their hearts have embraced me and supported me through this ordeal, through this run-on sentence, who I have to thank.

 

Only thing I'll promise is to not lose sight of my self respect, and to retain my masculinity in the process. No way I'm ever pussifying myself again for this, or any, girl.

 

With that, I'm hitting the shower and out to a bar with some friends. She's out bowling with her girlfriends. Hallelujah for personal time!

[CarrieT]

I'm so proud of you, RM....

[Rearden Metal]

I'm so proud of you, RM....

 

Thanks girrrrlfrieeeend!

[DontWorryBHappy]

I have confidence in you RM. I believe that you love this girl, and you want to make it work, but the ONLY way you want it to work is in a healthy way..... If it's any other way, YOU AINT HAVIN IT. That much is clear. Just be you, be confident and know that you are doing your best. If she falls short you can walk away without regrets.

[Rearden Metal]

Updates, YO!

 

Last night we went out separately and both had a lot of fun! Texted some sexy drunken stuff to each other and had fun with it.

 

Today I drove into Boston, met up with my best homey for lunch and then headed over to the ComiCon where we met up with several of my college buddies. The line was TWO hours long but we goofed around and had a lot of fun with it... The convention was okay at best, but my friends who have published their first major book SOLD OUT within hours. Huge success for them and witnessing it has really lit a fire under my ass. Time to draw some sick sick sh*t.

 

I'm not sure what to call my Ex anymore, since we are well on the way to not being Ex's. She went to her nephew's 5th Bday party today, then after we met up and went to see Date Night (recommended, pretty funny!), went out for dinner and had a very validating conversation which focused on our needs and expectations going forward. She vocalized that her need for personal time to pursue her activities and clear her head from school was her biggest concern, while balancing our once again growing relationship. We agreed to be clear about our boundaries regarding personal time and space and to also actively put aside time for each other that is 100% our time. I find this very gratifying and it gives me hope that we have matured.

 

After dinner, we went to play some pool and talk a bit more, then I drove her to her car and we kissed, this time very passionately. Then I headed home sorta early since I live 90 mins away and want to get up tomorrow early for the gym...

 

Wednesday is date night, and I'll fill you guys in with anything that occurs between now and then...

 

Night!

[justaguy123]

All I can say is good luck. We are all routing for you.

[Rearden Metal]

Thanks, man

 

I feel like I've turned this thread boring, without the angst and pain that I was working through earlier in the thread. But I'm going to keep it open and continue updating because it serves as a real life example of Coping--> Second Chances --> ?

 

I welcome all thoughts, critiques, concerns and flames.

[DramaFree]

Not boring at all. I actually jump on everyday to see the next chapter...LOL...I think most of us on LS are hoping for love story with a happy ending, which I personally would rather read than read about someone in constant pain! Also admire your strength in not getting too intimate early on and discussing the boundaries before getting too deep.

[Rearden Metal]

Thanks DF... RE: boundaries, I really feel SO much stronger in every way, approaching it this way. I allow her to speak her mind without interruption, I take it all in, the good, the bad, everything. Breathe it through my body and let her see me struggle with the parts that hurt, and shine through the loving parts.

 

In turn, she keeps opening up. It's been a gratifying experience, even if it ends in another breakup. It shows me that even this girl who's had intense difficulty communicating, will do so with me if I allow her to do so without judgement and with full attention.

 

I'm pretty happy with this, thus far...

[CarrieT]

RM, just remember you are back in the honeymoon phase of rediscovering each other.

 

"The proof is in the pudding" -- as it were -- will be a year from now.

 

Of course everything is working well now because you are both on your best behavior and taking things slowly. It is that Complacency Monster when you have re-established your comfort zone together which will determine if a long-term relationship can truly survive.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Lol definitely not boring RM... Your situation is one that is *very* interesting for a whole lot of us on LS... I certainly have enjoyed learning from the way you've handled everything. Please keep updating

[Rearden Metal]

RM, just remember you are back in the honeymoon phase of rediscovering each other.

 

"The proof is in the pudding" -- as it were -- will be a year from now.

 

Of course everything is working well now because you are both on your best behavior and taking things slowly. It is that Complacency Monster when you have re-established your comfort zone together which will determine if a long-term relationship can truly survive.

 

Any words of wisdom how to slay the Complacency Monster? I know being vigilant about personal growth is key to this. People must continually grow and evolve in order to remain interesting to anyone. When both are doing great at this, it makes love easy.

 

Yes, we're on good behavior. But I like it like this. I'd like to continue behaving well, far after the honeymoon phase. I'd like to continue to progress in my life and reach my potential.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Allow me to interject on that. First you both have to master the art of healthy conflict. Because when that first issue pops up in your new relationship (and it will) how each of you handles it together will say a lot. Also I'd say beware of routines you can fall into without even realizing it... If you notice things are starting to feel a little too predictable or different (in a negative way) trust that gut feeling and do something about it. As in, plan a unique date or anything outside of what you're accustomed to. Make sure neither of you bottles up anything and that you talk openly. My .02

[Rearden Metal]

RE: handling conflict, any ideas on how to more healthily navigate an argument or disagreement? I know I'm often overbearing, egotistical and arrogant. Which on the positive side is confident, self assured and skillful.

 

The problem I have is when I disagree, I really and truly cannot understand why someone doesn't see things my way. I have a very difficult time accepting this as anything other than shortsightedness or lack of intelligence. This viewpoint has never really gotten me anywhere positive, but I don't know how else to react in these situations.

 

Help?

[DontWorryBHappy]

I think you'll be surprised at the result if you instead focus your attention on how the other person is feeling (REGARDLESS of whether you think she is right or wrong!). Too often couples end up in a battle to be the right one, and it always ends badly. Think of her as your ally rather than as an opponent persay. ASK questions that let her know you're interested in working out whatever the issue is together rather than only being "right". Ask: "What can I do to make you feel better about this right now?" or make a suggestion. Basically you have to take control over your default emotional reactions... If that's hard to do, suggest talking over whatever the issue is LATER and use that time to relieve stress and clear your mind. Good things to do at that point are: 1. Write down everything you're feeling until your emotions feel stablized. 2. Put aside what you wrote down, get up, and get outside. Just move around and be active (this will make you feel happier and more at ease). At that point you should have a better idea of how much of what you're feeling is emotional, and how much of it still needs to be addressed and taken care of (and you'll be better equiped to address it).

Edited April 11, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[Rearden Metal]

These are great points. We were always terrible at walking away, de-stressing, then starting up the convo anew. We would just fight and escalate until meltdown. I want to avoid that with every fiber of my being.

 

In other news, I just cracked one off for the first time in days. I'm so tired now, I think I'll nap

 

I wonder if, during an argument, if I whipped it out and cracked one off, I'd instantly be non-argumentative. I'm not sure if I'll try this technique...

[CarrieT]

In other news, I just cracked one off for the first time in days. I'm so tired now, I think I'll nap

 

I wonder if, during an argument, if I whipped it out and cracked one off, I'd instantly be non-argumentative. I'm not sure if I'll try this technique...

 

I need someone to explain "cracked one off" to me...

[DontWorryBHappy]

lol.... I'll leave RM to that.

[Rearden Metal]

I need someone to explain "cracked one off" to me...

 

Originated from a fella on another, unrelated forum. Whole thread dedicated to hot college chicks wearing nothing and being slutty. One of the members of the forum, a fantastic young man by the moniker Karl Kox, a son of a professional wrestler, and a horny sumbitch... christens each thread with a classic line such as :

 

I kracked on off (to this pic) so hard the lights went out.

 

I kracked on off so hard I understood quantum physics.

 

I kracked on off so hard my car started itself.

 

Etc..

 

Epic thread:

 

http://www.getbig.com/boards/index.php?topic=95502.0

[CarrieT]

Okay..... I didn't need to see that forum . I know guys are base like that, but somehow I just don't like seeing it in print. As lonely as I am, it makes me glad I'm not dating.

 

You could've just told me that it was a euphemism for masturbating.