Wife wants to separate, I don't, and am an emotional wreck now...

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It looks like my wife and I are going to separate, if not divorce. An adult stepdaughter with a troubled past and present, including cocaine use, theft from the business at which she worked had placed repeated stress on our table, and has helped push some marriage-issues back to the discussion table.

 

We've had a recurring (every couple of years) discussion ref why we're together, she feels like we're too different, with nothing in common, and she has only feigned to like the things I do to make me happy through our entire marriage.. She also says we were “just friends” when we married.

 

We were doing what I thought was “okay”, until the oldest daughter got arrested last year in Louisiana for cocaine possession, where she was living with extended family, and I worked a deal with the DA to let her come back here to TX, live with us and go in the military, at which time they would expunge her felony record. She seemed to be doing good here, but didn’t like the rules and insisted she could afford her own apartment, and being 19 at the time, we couldn’t exactly tell her no, although we strongly advised against it.

 

Despite her moving out, she seemed to be doing good, we had her set to go in the Navy, got her a job at a local Big-Name Dept store, but then, as a cashier there, she got arrested for putting $$ on gift cards for herself and coming back and shopping at the store for stuff she wanted, to the tune of $6000.00. On principle, we refused to bail her out, but she did have some $$ at her apartment that we retrieved for her and she bailed herself out.

 

Also on principle, we refused to get her an atty the second time, because we believed she needed to learn a lesson and get herself out of the trouble she got into. The courts refused through 5 separate hearings and resettings to give her a govt appointed atty, and this went on for more than four months. I’m a cop, and my partner’s wife is an atty and I turned to him for advice/consolation about the situation.

 

After he told his wife about my step-daughter’s situation, his insisted that she represent her pro bono, with the caveat from me that she never know that she is my partner’s wife, or I had anything to do with getting her an atty. From the atty, she’s only going to get 1-yr probation and restitution from it, but I know she’ll never get in the military with two arrests (one felony, and a serious class misdemeanor). I think she is pretty hopeless to be honest.

 

Our marriage issues have lain dormant for some time, but the stress of the oldest daughter has caused turmoil and discontent, discussions about why we are together have been brought up again, and things are not good on the homefront.

 

We were pretty much just friends when I asked her to marry me in 1996, and I'm not gonna lie and say I was madly-in-love with her or anything, but I saw the good in her (great mother to her 2 daughters etc..), I loved the idea of helping raise these 2 girls as my own and thought she'd be good for me, which she was. I also loved the idea of being a father. The girls were 3 and 4 at the time I came into their lives, and are now 18 and 19.

 

The 18 yr old is a good girl, on a good track, getting ready to go to college while still living with us, and the oldest is a total screw up, in trouble with the law, living on her own. We also have a 10 yr old we made together (another girl).

 

Was it the wrong reason to marry so many years ago? Probably, but over the years, I've grown to love her. I'm not gonna say we have "walk through the door and rip our clothes off" chemistry, but when we can get time alone from the kids, we do alright.

 

The problem is, with the kids "always around" there is no time "for us” and our sex life is infrequent, like once-a-month to be blunt. It's just that by the time you deal with all the household and kid-issues and get the little one in bed, it's 11:00 and we're both too tired to get-busy.

 

I noticed over the last year or so, that she never volunteered any "I love you's" and they were only quick reciprocation when I said it to her.. I haven't seen or heard any unprompted terms of endearment from her in a couple years, even though I make sure to tell her I love her numerous times every day.

 

It got to the point when she wouldn’t even say it back when I said I love you at the end of a phone conversation. I was ignoring the fact that she didn't reciprocate, and blaming it on that "being the way she is", and just not an emotional person.. This prompted me to question her, and usually she does the “I don’t’ want to talk about it”, or “we’ve talked about this so many times, what’s the point?” routine, but I finally got her to open up and talk again. She says we’re just like-friends, and although she cares about me, she doesn’t feel anything for me. I think she’s just put up an emotional wall.

 

The bottom line is, she has shut off from me emotionally, and wants to sell our home and separate. This is the second time we have gotten to this point over the last 8 years or so, and in the past I've agreed to it, and then basically begged her to stay and make it work, but this time I fear she has made up her mind and it can't be reversed. Even though we both kind of agreed we live like friends for the most part, and I agreed we might be better off apart, afterwards I start getting scared and questioning myself, why I agreed. I think I really do love her, and can’t imagine her being with someone else, and can’t imaging not living in a house with the family we’ve made together.

 

She wants to do everything without lawyers and etc…just wants a friendly 50/50-split and living apart, thinks we can still be friends and meet at the daughters ball-games etc..

 

We are friendly, still watch movies on the couch together, talk about the kids, attend kids sporting events together etc, but we are just like friends that reside together, and I think she likes it that way, and is de-stressed and happier to a degree since she made this decision in her mind. I really miss affection from her, but when I give it (kiss whatever) she acts like I’m surprising her or she doesn’t want it, although she is nice about it, and will peck me back if I go in for a kiss goodbye.

 

It’s weird, I know she doesn’t want me show her any affection, so I’m not doing it, no more rolling over to hold her in the night etc… I’ve even stopped trying to kiss her goodbye and hello, and just do so in a friend-like manner with a smile on my face.

 

I fantasize about, and have gotten excited in bed in the recent past when she’s rolled over, thinking she might be rolling to my side to hold me and tell me she wants to stay together, and this will all be over with, but each time, it’s just her turning over in bed…and I am again repeatedly disappointed.

 

When I am really “gone”, I feel that she may regret it, but she refuses to show me any wifely affection (I’m talking about I-love-you’s, kisses hello/goodbye etc..) She has just shut off any affection other than “friend like” affections. I feel in my heart, that I could get her to have sex with me with no problem, but it wouldn’t mean anything to me, and I’m afraid it would just tease me with what will never be again.

 

Part of me thinks this separation has just been a long time coming, we both knew that this day may come, it might even be a good idea, and she may be right in many ways, but in other ways, I'm so upset that I've put this many years into this, and I do really LOVE her dearly, as she was my first and only wife, and I thought I'd live the rest of my life with her.

 

All my hopes and dreams are crushed now, and the fantasy of growing old together and traveling etc and I don't know what to do with myself..

 

I’m not contemplating suicide or anything, but inside, I’m an emotional wreck, as I thought this would never happen to me.

 

I can’t stop looking at all the great family photos we’ve made and the family I was so proud of etc… I pretty much cry everytime I look at photos of “us”..

 

I can’t imagine putting myself back on the market..

 

I can’t imagine what it will feel like when/if my 10 yo daughter has “my other daddy”..how that will affect me.

 

Any advice or support much appreciated….

[tnttim]

Wow, you have a lot on your plate and your M is suffering because of it. You need to take 1 day and step back and look at what your life has become. Tasks and chores seem to add up the older you get. But you cannot consume your entire day trying to solve each problem, it's impossible. Look at what you have become, are you fun to be around? Do you take any time to just enjoy an hour of nothing? I can't answer these questions, only you can.

With that being said, how do you think your wife feels? Are you her sanctuary? or do you just add more problems to her life? IMHO she is looking for a way out of this unhappy marriage. She will name countless problems, or say it was never meant to be, but whats the reality of her feelings. Men will never understand a woman's feelings, but he can understand what causes them. She feels like she's in jail, a super max jail with no free time.

I don't know where you both stand on fixing the M, but I suggest some much needed R and R together. Don't talk about problems, just try to have fun as a couple. It's the little things that make or break a M, so focus on some of the little things.

[carhill]

Hug your girls and get some legal advice as to the efficacy of a non-contested do-it-yourself divorce. With children, the process is more complex to do yourself.

 

From reading, the best solution is to agree with her, suggest she rent an apartment/condo and help her move. Since she is the one who wishes to separate, she gets to move. Remain in the marital home with your daughters (the youngest is my concern) so as to disrupt their life as little as possible.

 

You might get some here who will suggest she has 'someone else'. That's a reasonable suggestion, but IMO should not bear upon your actions. Move forward in a positive way. Take the lead. She wants out. OK, let's go

[LakesideDream]

Carhill has given you good advice. Frankly there is nothing more you can do. Your partners wife is an attorney... lean on that. I lived through an uncontested, no fault, do it yourself divorce. In both the short, and long run it was the best and least expensive way to go.

 

As for the uncertainty and heartbreak, I have no advice. I suffered, everyone I know who has experianced it suffered. Be thankful it's on child, not more. Both of you seem to have received value from the relationship.

 

Now.... be wise, and protect as much of that pension as you can. If it means giving her the house to buy her out.... it will be cheap. My guess is she wants a "seperation" instead of a divorce for the benifits and pension credits your LEO status provides. Make that stop. Oh and they "all" have a soft place to land. This isn't her first rodeo she's been making plans for a long time. Another emotional interest is just a part of that.