How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[Jeff1962]

Change the locks, move her stuff out, close out your joint bank account, cancel any joint credit cards, have the D papers served. Go full NC and keep it this way. Find a no strings attached screw buddie. Go out of your way to make sure that you are kept busy and away from home most of the time.

 

She's playing games with you.

[Disintegration]

So this morning I called up the family and sang like a canary. I told them that I was pretty much done & told them why.

 

Needless to say they were floored.

My Wife's mom made arrangements to meet with my wife & I tonight. My mom-in law didn't disclose that she knew what was going on.

 

Within minutes my wife calls me and I'm like, ****..

I'm on the phone with my Sister-in-law and she says take the call & I do.

I basically break the NC situation from the last three days.

 

My wife asks "how have u been, we haven't talked in awhile."

I told her that opening up to her at this point is hard, but in a nutshell I had a good weekend. I asked about hers (I already knew she was partying in Vegas) and she said she went gambling.

 

I replied, "hmmm... Gambling's illegal in California" she just said, yeah... Not revealing she'd been in Vegas.

 

So she then says, I got a strange call from my mom.

I asked, "what about" and my wife said it's about her mom's health and she's going over tonight to talk about it.

 

I asked what do u think it's all about and she referenced previous medical issues that her mom has had in the past. In my gut I think she knows what's going on here.

 

I asked if shed like me to come by and she said "I wouldn't mind if you did"

Basically, now that the family knows where I'm at, they don't want me to give up & divorce her.

 

It's going to be an emotionally crazy night tonight...

I'll be bringing the divorce papers with me tonight (my sister-in-law mentioned I should in case my wife is hardlined).

 

Any advise before I enter the lion's den??

 

 

Good luck tonight. I'm proud of the way you are handling it. I know it can't be easy but you'll see, after all that is said and done you WILL meet someone who is deserving of your love even if it isn't your current wife. Everything will fall into place. Keep us updated on everything.

[Jeff1962]

So this morning I called up the family and sang like a canary. I told them that I was pretty much done & told them why.

 

Needless to say they were floored.

My Wife's mom made arrangements to meet with my wife & I tonight. My mom-in law didn't disclose that she knew what was going on.

 

Within minutes my wife calls me and I'm like, ****..

I'm on the phone with my Sister-in-law and she says take the call & I do.

I basically break the NC situation from the last three days.

 

My wife asks "how have u been, we haven't talked in awhile."

I told her that opening up to her at this point is hard, but in a nutshell I had a good weekend. I asked about hers (I already knew she was partying in Vegas) and she said she went gambling.

 

I replied, "hmmm... Gambling's illegal in California" she just said, yeah... Not revealing she'd been in Vegas.

 

So she then says, I got a strange call from my mom.

I asked, "what about" and my wife said it's about her mom's health and she's going over tonight to talk about it.

 

I asked what do u think it's all about and she referenced previous medical issues that her mom has had in the past. In my gut I think she knows what's going on here.

 

I asked if shed like me to come by and she said "I wouldn't mind if you did"

Basically, now that the family knows where I'm at, they don't want me to give up & divorce her.

 

It's going to be an emotionally crazy night tonight...

I'll be bringing the divorce papers with me tonight (my sister-in-law mentioned I should in case my wife is hardlined).

 

Any advise before I enter the lion's den??

 

Take the D papers with you and if your W is hardlined, ask her to sign them in front of everyone. After she does, walk away and don't look back.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Thanks for the support. I have to admit a part of me is very relieved about telling the family. I wasn't expecting so much support initially, but I guess it makes sense, I've known them almost all my life.

 

I also have to admit that I'm glad she'll be seeing REAL consequnces tonight for her actions. Depending on how things go (and I fully expect her use her strongest defense and justicications to rebut) she just might get served tonight.

 

I'm certainly anxious about tonight. I hope it's not out of vengence; I tell myself it's more about truth and doing the right thing.

 

If she actually comes to her senses tonight that'll open a whole new can of worms... I dunno if she's willing to work to change. Plus she slutted out on me and that's gross... Sigh. It never fails, I'll be good when there's NC, but then a situation comes up and conflicted again.

 

Maybe I shouldn't go tonight. Just let her and her family talk things out.

What do u guys think??

[ConflictedGuy27]

Take the D papers with you and if your W is hardlined, ask her to sign them in front of everyone. After she does, walk away and don't look back.

 

Agreed! Now that'll leave her with some s*** to ponder. Phew...

[PhoenixRise]

 

 

Maybe I shouldn't go tonight. Just let her and her family talk things out.

What do u guys think??

 

 

Oh you absolutely need to be there. Who knows what she will tell them about you or about the marriage if you are not there to offer your side of things?

 

Go. and if you DO serve her with the divorce papers, make sure you are not using the threat of divorce as a tactic to wake her up or win her back.

 

Make sure you are done. Really done. No games.

 

I would say that if she does come to her senses she still has a lot of work to do before you guys have anything resembling a healthy relationship. If she says she has reconsidered and wants the marriage then don't take her word for it (assuming you even still want to save the marriage).

 

She needs to show you with her actions that she is sincere. At a minimum full and honest answers to any questions you might have. NC forever with the OM. Individual counseling for her. Marriage counseling for you both. AND anything else you think you need to help you get past this.

[stampdaddy]

here's the thing: SHE WILL CHANGE HER TUNE TONIGHT!!!!

 

count on it! She will cry like a baby, say how sorry she is, wah wah wah.. all while her panties are still wet from the weekend in Vegas with her boyfriend...

 

Don't you dare cave in to this cause it's ALL bullsh*t and you know it!!!

[xxoo]

Oh you absolutely need to be there. Who knows what she will tell them about you or about the marriage if you are not there to offer your side of things?

 

I disagree. It's her family, and she will tell them whatever she wants to tell them, regardless. Do you really want to be in a position where you are hashing out your relationship history with her in front of her parents? I'd take the high road and let her actions speak for themselves.

 

Also, if she comes to her senses and begs for another chance, is that a conversation you want to have in front of her parents?

 

Personally, I wouldn't go. I can't see much good coming of a meeting with her and her parents, at her parents' house. You've disclosed the affair (that's great!), let her handle the fallout on her own. If you go, and it gets nasty, you may well lose much of the sympathy that her family has for you as the offended spouse.

[seibert253]

Thanks for the support. I have to admit a part of me is very relieved about telling the family. I wasn't expecting so much support initially, but I guess it makes sense, I've known them almost all my life.

 

I also have to admit that I'm glad she'll be seeing REAL consequnces tonight for her actions. Depending on how things go (and I fully expect her use her strongest defense and justicications to rebut) she just might get served tonight.

 

I'm certainly anxious about tonight. I hope it's not out of vengence; I tell myself it's more about truth and doing the right thing.

 

If she actually comes to her senses tonight that'll open a whole new can of worms... I dunno if she's willing to work to change. Plus she slutted out on me and that's gross... Sigh. It never fails, I'll be good when there's NC, but then a situation comes up and conflicted again.

 

Maybe I shouldn't go tonight. Just let her and her family talk things out.

What do u guys think??

 

Go, Go, Go.

 

Stick with your original plan.

 

Be there for your side. She's gonna lie, justify, and blame you for everything. You need to knock everything she says out of the park.

 

If you don't get the uncontrolled crying, curled up in a ball, genuine I'm sorry please forgive me moment, then serve her the papers right then and there.

 

Then it's on to bigger and better things.

Get down on your knees and thank God that this happened now, and not after children came along.

[ConflictedGuy27]

here's the thing: SHE WILL CHANGE HER TUNE TONIGHT!!!!

 

count on it! She will cry like a baby, say how sorry she is, wah wah wah.. all while her panties are still wet from the weekend in Vegas with her boyfriend...

 

Don't you dare cave in to this cause it's ALL bullsh*t and you know it!!!

 

Man... You're echoing what my brain is telling me.

I know the facts, I'm standing in the ruble that was our former marriage - I see clearly - yet I have this nagging confliction that maybe I should try recon, if it's offerred.

 

It seems like a muther f***ing trap...!! Grrrrrr.

Keep the advise coming. I'm listening and taking all into consideration.

 

I appreciate the imagry too, because it's accurate. My wife was getting voluntarily boned last night in Vegas... What a bitch. Do I need to put up with this ****?

[PhoenixRise]

I disagree. It's her family, and she will tell them whatever she wants to tell them, regardless. Do you really want to be in a position where you are hashing out your relationship history with her in front of her parents? I'd take the high road and let her actions speak for themselves.

 

Also, if she comes to her senses and begs for another chance, is that a conversation you want to have in front of her parents?

 

Personally, I wouldn't go. I can't see much good coming of a meeting with her and her parents, at her parents' house. You've disclosed the affair (that's great!), let her handle the fallout on her own. If you go, and it gets nasty, you may well lose much of the sympathy that her family has for you as the offended spouse.

 

 

It is no longer JUST her family. They married into each others families.

 

When I found out about my H's affair I talked to HIS side of the family. I have been married longer than the Original poster and had a long courtship before the marriage and I am very much a member of my H's family. I am very close to his mom, sisters, dad, grandparents, cousins. All of them are my family too. There is no way I could have separated from him or divorced him and not let them know what was going on.

 

AND for me, by the time I told them...privacy regarding the affair and the state of the marriage was out the window. It was a great relief to not be holding that secret and to get that support.

 

He needs to be there because wandering spouses often unfairly villify the spouse in order to justify the affair. It will be harder for her to lie about him if he is standing there.

 

ConflictedGuy27, you are in control of you.Stay in control. Don't get nasty at the meeting even if your wife does.

[Disintegration]

You have to be there, why? To defend yourself. She is going to make you out to be the "bad husband" and therefore she did what she did, cheat. You said it yourself she was justifying the affair :

 

"Last time we dicussed the issue she started crying, like I opened up some big wound and she just came with the laundry list of justifications for the affair basically... (i.e. you neglected me, all I wanted you to do was hold me more, be more affectionate, blah blah blah). "

 

It isn't your fault she cheated! Those are lame excuses. You can do sooooo much better and keep telling yourself that. Serve her right-with divorce papers and move on from this horrible nightmare.

[stampdaddy]

Man... You're echoing what my brain is telling me.

I know the facts, I'm standing in the ruble that was our former marriage - I see clearly - yet I have this nagging confliction that maybe I should try recon, if it's offerred.

 

It seems like a muther f***ing trap...!! Grrrrrr.

Keep the advise coming. I'm listening and taking all into consideration.

 

I appreciate the imagry too, because it's accurate. My wife was getting voluntarily boned last night in Vegas... What a bitch. Do I need to put up with this ****?

 

not only no, but HELL NO!

 

and this "imagery" will NOT go away.. and it will get worse. But listen, just to clarify, she WILL put on quite a show tonight, especially in front of her family. You know the facts (and trust me, there is ALOT you dont know) and can you really, truly see yourself moving forward with her, knowing what she has done, what she is capable of and ALWAYS wondering when it is going to happen again?

 

Take your lumps, move on, and I know it is such a stupid cliche, but there ARE plenty of fish in the sea, my friend...

[Jeff1962]

not only no, but HELL NO!

 

and this "imagery" will NOT go away.. and it will get worse. ALWAYS wondering when it is going to happen again?

 

Pretty much. She went to the store to get groceries, normally takes an hour, she's gone 2 1/2 hours. You will wonder if she is screwing someone. Goes out with the girls comes home trashed and late, who was she screwing you might wonder. You will always question if she is telling the truth.

 

To hell with a life like that.

[seibert253]

Pretty much. She went to the store to get groceries, normally takes an hour, she's gone 2 1/2 hours. You will wonder if she is screwing someone. Goes out with the girls comes home trashed and late, who was she screwing you might wonder. You will always question if she is telling the truth.

 

To hell with a life like that.

 

Jeff's right.

You will NEVER fully trust your W again.

I'm 2 1/2 years out and she's regained most of my trust, but 100%, never.

I have kids, so It's something I've learned to deal with.

You have to ask yourself, can you live this way. Some can, some cannot.

 

Knock 'em dead tonite. After it's all said an done, you can walk out and hold your head high.

[Trojan John]

Absolute best of luck to you, mate.

[wheream_i]

Sad to see another young couple headed towards divorce in a marriage that probably shouldn't have happened in the first place. I heard a quote on TV about people (especially younger couples) that get married just for the "show". For the event, for the chance to have something big to look forward to. To be the envy of their friends or to have the biggest wedding ever. When most of them forget or don't even realize that after the honeymoon, real life follows.

 

Why did y'all get married in the first place? Did she expect it from you? Is the wedding even paid off yet?

Edited March 1, 2010 by wheream_i

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Good Luck tonight.

 

The most important thing is to maintain your cool. Do not let emotion or pent up frustrations get the best of you...

 

Relationships are rebuildable if there is a strong enough desire for both partners to do it. Trust is rebuildable too. It's just a matter of the choices she makes from tonight going forward...

[Dexter Morgan]

Any advice on how I can either get the power back, or in general how I should proceed with this? Again I have the divorce papers in my back pocket... (thanks for reading this long post)

 

then proceed with the divorce and get her served.

 

Only way to get power back is to get rid of the cheating wife.

 

Let the OM have the cheating huss. he'll regret it later when she gets bored with him too.

[on1wheel]

Conflicted,

Where your W has taken the M you can't ever come back from. Trust me, I am 2+ yrs out from D-day & it has never been the same.

Every time she is gone from me I wonder. You have seen true evil & once you have you know that the Angel that was your wife is gone.

The only reason I stayed was we had a 19 mth old baby. I promised when they drew their 1st breath I would do WHATEVER I had to to protect them...didn't think it would be to stay with a cheating W, but c'est la vive.

My point is that I had to, you don't. Take the money & the lesson learned & move on. She will NEVER respect you again; if she ever did.

You have shown her that you will take the worst she is & still love her, so why change?

I promise you that you'll be happier w/o her & whatever disease she has. Please take my advice...I live with my incredible pain/torment everyday. You deserve better. I did too, but it's too late for me to be saved.

[revelations]

Hi ConflictedGuy27

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

 

I agree with others that say you should goto this meeting. I differ on handling the outcome. If she is playing hard ball then just serve her.

If she is truly remorseful then I would have her sign a post nup to protect your assest, house, car, etc. and also no alimony at all. I would go into it as I was allowing her the chance to get back together with me.

After that post nup is sign then I would ask her for a divorce, stating that the marriage is tainted and needs to be rebuilt from the ground up. Make sure you tell her that later down the road when you've healed that you two can always get remarried. Remember while doing all this, make sure that she knows that she's hurt you but you still want her.

Now once you have a divorce, and hopefully you don't have any alimony to pay. Then you can start to live your life again. If I remember right you live in Ca. I can tell you that they love to go after men in a family court room. This is why I advise (if possible) to play it cool and hopefully get her to sign the post nup. All the time while your asking for the divorce, it is so you feel more secure with her, this is a way she can prove her love and all that. So that you have a friend signing the divorce papers and not an enemy. Once this is done, as I said before, then you can live your life.

Is this misleading your stbXW? Yes it is, however it is a must if you don't want to pay for her and her new boyfriend's weekends at vegas.

Hope this helps;)

[ConflictedGuy27]

Here's the update. My STBX was very hard lined and lied her ass off last night. Sure there were a few tears here and there but no violent sobbing or remorseful conversation. The opposite took place in front of the family.

 

She said marrying me was a total mistake; that she felt bored and neglected for 6 months; and admitted to everyone that, yup she's seeing someone else but he is not her boyfriend.

 

My God u should have seen her mom and family, they were floored with how she could just say all that - I have to say Im not completely suprised.

 

So my in laws were like, please don't serve her papers yet, you need to give it time and all that. I appreciate they're in the shock and awe phase of all this, but they heard with their own ears.

 

Remember I mentioned making financial moves on Sunday, turning off credit cards and moving savings to safety? Heheh. Well guess who found out the hard way. Yup, my STBX

 

I get a call later that eve bitching, "why doesnt this particular card work?!" I say CAUSE WERE GETTING A D, that's why!

 

She went off like, I can't beleive you'd do that w/o telling me, we agreed to communicate regarding finances, etc. The conversation got heated and I argued back. It was in interesting fight cause she let on that I had the power in the financial arena - I managed our finances afterall.

 

She's like, you don't want to mess with me and I'll move my paycheck to direct deposit into my own acct! I say "is that what you really want to do?" I ask her, and she says "No! But I feel like you're breaking our deal..."

 

I told her to calm down and listen. I said, were getting divorced and you're GOING to see changes, understand that!

 

Then she said, well it WAS my plan to come home on Tuesday but now I'm not so sure; because what you did was totally f***ed up! (she was on E trying to gas up then the cards got denied).

 

Mind u, in this argument she was communicating on a level that was WAY more effective than the meeting with the family. I was amazed at the tonevi was hearing - genuine worry.

 

I told her if u want to understand how this is going to go down, come by on tuesday night and I'll fill u in on the next step. I left it @ that.

 

I kept asking her too, "you sound angry, are you angry?? Cause I'm not going to talk to you unless you calm down... You cool now?" yes I'm calm, she said. Interesting.

 

I got a text from her later that night saying "good night" around 11 yesterday. I didn't respond of course. It's funny how it becomes real to the cake eaters when they're caught by suprise financially. She kept asking me to admit that cutting off cards was an F'd up move. We all see the irony so I won't comment on that...

 

My plan now is to do the follwing: (1)

hire a process server to bring her the papers tomorrow; & (2) show up @ my house around 11ish PM (way to late to discuss finances, I'll just posepone - "let's talk about it Thursday or something, it's late...").

 

Meanwhile she'll be served on Wednesday and she'll get another dose of reality.

[stampdaddy]

Atta boy! Keep it up! Do NOT feel sorry for her (doesn't mean screw her over) just means stay strong and focused.

[GreenX]

She said marrying me was a total mistake; that she felt bored and neglected for 6 months; and admitted to everyone that, yup she's seeing someone else but he is not her boyfriend.

 

Good that she told the truth, well, as much as she was willing to give at that moment. I like how she used the excuse of 'bored and neglected' and how she is trying to put the blame on you now. In all the time that you two have been married has she ever approached you about those feelings? Did she ever initiate anything to help 'spark' your marriage? I'm guessing no. I have no sympathy whatsoever for her.

 

My God u should have seen her mom and family, they were floored with how she could just say all that - I have to say Im not completely suprised.

 

It is good that they seen this. At least now you know that the truth has/will be seen by all involved.

 

So my in laws were like, please don't serve her papers yet, you need to give it time and all that. I appreciate they're in the shock and awe phase of all this, but they heard with their own ears.

 

As you said, you understand that they are in shock but seriously, holding onto something that isn't there is just a waste of time. You've already given enough time to this person who doesn't care about anyone but herself. Time to let go and move forward. I wouldn't worry about what the in laws think. After the shock wears down they will understand why you did what you had to do.

 

She went off like, I can't beleive you'd do that w/o telling me, we agreed to communicate regarding finances, etc. The conversation got heated and I argued back. It was in interesting fight cause she let on that I had the power in the financial arena - I managed our finances afterall.

 

Shame on you for cutting her off!! (insert sarcasm ) What I can't believe is that she'd go out on you with another man and not tell you. Come on, seriously, is your wife for real? Her comfort zone is becoming deteriorated and now she whines that she is the victim. Way to turn the table lady! I hope that you don't buy into her pouting act. Remember, she didn't care about you when she was off with her OM.

 

She's like, you don't want to mess with me and I'll move my paycheck to direct deposit into my own acct! I say "is that what you really want to do?" I ask her, and she says "No! But I feel like you're breaking our deal..."

 

I'm sure you don't have to remind her that she broke the deal as soon as she gave herself to another man. Again, she is playing the victim. Don't even let it phase you.

 

I told her to calm down and listen. I said, were getting divorced and you're GOING to see changes, understand that!

 

You're being too nice!!

 

Then she said, well it WAS my plan to come home on Tuesday but now I'm not so sure; because what you did was totally f***ed up! (she was on E trying to gas up then the cards got denied).

 

Tell her to pack her bags and go on the guilt trip ALONE!

 

Mind u, in this argument she was communicating on a level that was WAY more effective than the meeting with the family. I was amazed at the tonevi was hearing - genuine worry.

 

Because the reality is now hitting her smack dab right in the face. She CAN'T have her cake AND eat it too! You hit her where it hurts. Too bad she didn't realize what she was doing would hurt you. She didn't care about your feelings..

 

I told her if u want to understand how this is going to go down, come by on tuesday night and I'll fill u in on the next step. I left it @ that.

 

I'm curious if she will follow through.

 

I kept asking her too, "you sound angry, are you angry?? Cause I'm not going to talk to you unless you calm down... You cool now?" yes I'm calm, she said. Interesting.

 

She is calm because she is going to try to continue to play you. To get what she can out of you. She will probably say everything you want to hear so she can benefit in the end. Actions speak louder than words. Don't forget, she said it was a mistake marrying you. Her heart has been long gone for some time now. Don't fall into her pity trap. Stand your ground, remain cool, calm and collected. Do what YOU need to do for YOUR future, with or without her. I think you know which route is better here..

 

I got a text from her later that night saying "good night" around 11 yesterday. I didn't respond of course. It's funny how it becomes real to the cake eaters when they're caught by suprise financially. She kept asking me to admit that cutting off cards was an F'd up move. We all see the irony so I won't comment on that...

 

It's funny and it's sad, all in one. Again, she is trying to keep it sweet, act as if she cares by sending you the 'good night' text. She only cares right now because she was cut off! Boo hoo, you get what you deserve, imo!

 

My plan now is to do the follwing: (1)

hire a process server to bring her the papers tomorrow; & (2) show up @ my house around 11ish PM (way to late to discuss finances, I'll just posepone - "let's talk about it Thursday or something, it's late...").

 

Sounds like a good plan, but, I can't help but feel you're playing games with her now too. She is going to expect to have that talk with you and it's almost like a puppet game now because you know you're not going to give in to that conversation and want to see her cringe. I think by just handing the papers over and having her deal with reality should make her cringe enough. That's just my opinion tho.

 

Meanwhile she'll be served on Wednesday and she'll get another dose of reality.

 

Good. I hope that after this is done things start moving into the direction that you deserve. Hopefully things go smoothly. Good luck to you!

[Disintegration]

You have a good plan and strategy.

 

I'm glad you are going through with the D. Why did she even bother to text you? Wasn't it her that said it was a mistake marrying you? I'm sure she just said that to justify her affair. So when do you plan on moving out of your shared condo?

 

Hey if she needs money why doesn't she go ask the OM. Let her figure that out. You need to focus on protecting yourself and your finances. She'll just blow it on other trips with the OM.

 

She cheated and now these are the repercussions.