How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[Steadfast]

 

However, in hindsight, the intensity of the hatred will diminish in time to pure INDIFFERENCE. Once you have rid yourself of the passion from this experience, it gets very easy to simply NOT CARE anymore, and at that point you will have regained your personal FREEDOM.

 

 

Great post. That's the way it is, and what you should be shooting for.

 

For so many of us, the post-affair / pre-breakup time is the most difficult there is, followed by what you'll go through once you're split and you haven't seen or talked to her in a while. There's something in us -habit?- that wants or needs to be around the betrayer. Deep down we're hoping; for a light to come on, for a realization to be discovered, or maybe for them to taste just a little of the bitter cup you're forced to drink from when the one you love gives themselves to someone else. We want to stop it.

 

But we can't. Wherever she is CG, she's been for awhile. To her, it's becoming the norm; him...you...wondering about the future, playing both sides against the middle for her benefit. Loving the other man so much, she's willing to do whatever she can to keep him. That includes whatever she has to do to you. If it benefits her to keep you around, she'll throw you some crumbs. If the OM wants more and you are cramping his style, she'll be happy to drop an axe across your forehead to prove her love.

 

Be gone. Do you hear? Like someone said above; love is not torture.

Edited March 7, 2010 by Steadfast

[bestplayer]

Great post. That's the way it is, and what you should be shooting for.

 

For so many of us, the post-affair / pre-breakup time is the most difficult there is, followed by what you'll go through once you're split and you haven't seen or talked to her in a while. There's something in us -habit?- that wants or needs to be around the betrayer. Deep down we're hoping; for a light to come on, for a realization to be discovered, or maybe for them to taste just a little of the bitter cup you're forced to drink from when the one you love gives themselves to someone else. We want to stop it.

 

But we can't. Wherever she is CG, she's been for awhile. To her, it's becoming the norm; him...you...wondering about the future, playing both sides against the middle for her benefit. Loving the other man so much, she's willing to do whatever she can to keep him. That includes whatever she has to do to you. If it benefits her to keep you around, she'll throw you some crumbs. If the OM wants more and you are cramping his style, she'll be happy to drop an axe across your forehead to prove her love.

 

Be gone. Do you hear? Like someone said above; love is not torture.

 

excellent post Steadfast , so close to reality .

[stillafool]

Very well said. This was my thinking. She's so blatant about it it's sickening. I do ask for info at times, out of curiousity but damn.

 

Sometimes I think I'm growing to hate her...

 

 

I wouldn't ask her for anymore info about her and the other guy. It will just keep you upset. Details about their relationship will hurt so stop asking and snooping. If your wife is researching info about another woman at work who may be interested in this guy also maybe this guy is a "playa" and may not want to settle down with 'someone else's' wife. He may just be boinking her and a few others at the office. I tell you just move on with improving your life and watch "karma" unfold all over your skanky wife.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Good morning all. Before I post my update let me again thank everyone for the awesome feedback. This is week 6 for me since D day and I would have never guessed such craziness could take place inside of me over such a short span.

 

Also, let me answer my own question "how do I stop my wife from seeing OM?" That's easy... You don't, because you can't. Period. It hurts and all but moving on is a very human process. I understand it better now.

 

Now for the update:

 

If you guys recall my Friday was full of backward paces since my STBX was home. See my post above for details.

 

She stayed in the whole weekend & mentioned to me she was sick. After the Friday relapse I figured i'd just be me while we were both @ the condo. I

did just that - I turned on the ps3 and played modern warfare2 for awhile.

 

I made arrangements to hang out and sleep over a good friend of mine's that afternoon. I did just that too. It felt great to be in a space where she had no access. I felt like healing was possible.

 

We did have a few exchanges that day. When I was doing my thing she would say good morning, would you like a waffle, etc... She hadn't seen me actually doing stuff I used to do since D day.

 

So I stay away until Sunday afternoon & go home. She's not there, but arrives like 15 mins after me with groceries. I just figure I'll do my thing again.

 

She turned on movies & was laughing at them - I think trying to grab my attn because they were movies that I like; ones she'd normally change the channel on. Anyway, I see it as another game & don't respond at all. I did say she could have some of the food I made.

 

So into the evening I call her down stairs and say "we have mediation tomorrow and it's my goal that it go smoothly, etc. Let me know if there's any questions you have or things you want to discuss so we can be productive tomorrow."

 

She brought up finances and how we'd be dividing property. I had to remind her more than once that SHE is the sole reason were even having the conversation. I had to remind her that since she blew up our marriage by having the affair her expectation of getting some of what she wanted was just wrong. Believe it or not she was receptive when I said stuff like that & got angry.

 

She kept saying you have an attitude right now. To which I'd say, don't worry about my attitude, be happy that you'll have the information you're asking me for. I told her, you don't even realize how nice I am, despite all this, do you?! Do you think it's easy?!

 

Suprisingly and probably as another trick, she says:

 

You are a nice person.

I appreciate what you're doing for me...

 

I say: and why are you being so nice all the sudden...?

 

Her: cause at the end of the day, I still love you... (wipes eye)

 

me: well even if i felt the same for you, it's too late and can't be taken back, what's done is done - and I'll be the one dragging us both through this if I have to, despite any feelings.

 

She stands up and preps to walk away...

 

I tell her: any feelings of love you have for me, please keep to yourself.

 

Her: Thats what people tell me to do too... I say those words in emails but I don't press send, I write in my journal too.

 

I say nothing more & she goes back upstairs to do her thing.

 

The reason I share the dialouge is cause this was one of her biggest issues in the M, communication. Just like before, maybe there's something she needs to say but either communicates it indirectly, all of the sudden, or not at all.

 

Maybe it's more dramatic that way. Anyway, this morning she knocked at my door a few times to get something out of the closet...

 

Who knows her motive these days. Here she comes knocking again...

She told me she's on her way out. And wanted to say goodbye.

 

I waived and she mopes out the door; I say wait up and hug her and say see you at mediation tonight.

 

My hunch is she's been dumped, but that's neither here nor there.

She's showing hesitation as we near the finality of this. We both are as u can read. But I know there's no coming back from what she's done. She's just begining to grasp that concept since the OM, for whatever reason, has tapered off contact to some extent.

 

Once mediation is complete I will look for & find my place, then move out. I have a feeling that's when the real battle begins...

[CM2009]

Who would've guessed... She's here in my space when i get home.

 

A few things:

 

she ****s with me saying something referencing the word "boy friend" and I

like WTF did u say? And she's like "I'm just ****ing with u"

 

I mentioned I'd be out of townto her this weekend and here she is. I followed her around the house a bit doing idle talk really. It was lame. She says I was poking @ her and i was actually.

 

Asked her what's been going on, etc. Small talk was made until I could see the OM either text her or she was just fuc*ing with me using her phone. I was like "who's that you're little boy friend?!"

 

She said I'm going upstairs & left when I said that. I said, "what u want me to call the guy big boy friend?!" She told me I was childish... Fuc*ing bitch.

 

We laugh for a bit then I'll push on something & she'll leave each time.

 

I asked her out dancing a few times & she almost came during my advances. Lame I'm back to this... I don't know how to act around her. Ifeel I'd dobest to be like "whatever" towards her...

 

She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight because she said her backhurt and she's not having sex. What liar... I said to her not to sleep in MY bed.

 

NOOOOOOOOOO:eek: YOUR FEEDING THE BEAST!!!! GO N/C IF POSSIBLE ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!!

[seibert253]

Good morning all. Before I post my update let me again thank everyone for the awesome feedback. This is week 6 for me since D day and I would have never guessed such craziness could take place inside of me over such a short span.

 

Also, let me answer my own question "how do I stop my wife from seeing OM?" That's easy... You don't, because you can't. Period. It hurts and all but moving on is a very human process. I understand it better now.

 

Now for the update:

 

If you guys recall my Friday was full of backward paces since my STBX was home. See my post above for details.

 

She stayed in the whole weekend & mentioned to me she was sick. After the Friday relapse I figured i'd just be me while we were both @ the condo. I

did just that - I turned on the ps3 and played modern warfare2 for awhile.

 

I made arrangements to hang out and sleep over a good friend of mine's that afternoon. I did just that too. It felt great to be in a space where she had no access. I felt like healing was possible.

 

We did have a few exchanges that day. When I was doing my thing she would say good morning, would you like a waffle, etc... She hadn't seen me actually doing stuff I used to do since D day.

 

So I stay away until Sunday afternoon & go home. She's not there, but arrives like 15 mins after me with groceries. I just figure I'll do my thing again.

 

She turned on movies & was laughing at them - I think trying to grab my attn because they were movies that I like; ones she'd normally change the channel on. Anyway, I see it as another game & don't respond at all. I did say she could have some of the food I made.

 

So into the evening I call her down stairs and say "we have mediation tomorrow and it's my goal that it go smoothly, etc. Let me know if there's any questions you have or things you want to discuss so we can be productive tomorrow."

 

She brought up finances and how we'd be dividing property. I had to remind her more than once that SHE is the sole reason were even having the conversation. I had to remind her that since she blew up our marriage by having the affair her expectation of getting some of what she wanted was just wrong. Believe it or not she was receptive when I said stuff like that & got angry.

 

She kept saying you have an attitude right now. To which I'd say, don't worry about my attitude, be happy that you'll have the information you're asking me for. I told her, you don't even realize how nice I am, despite all this, do you?! Do you think it's easy?!

 

Suprisingly and probably as another trick, she says:

 

You are a nice person.

I appreciate what you're doing for me...

 

I say: and why are you being so nice all the sudden...?

 

Her: cause at the end of the day, I still love you... (wipes eye)

 

me: well even if i felt the same for you, it's too late and can't be taken back, what's done is done - and I'll be the one dragging us both through this if I have to, despite any feelings.

 

She stands up and preps to walk away...

 

I tell her: any feelings of love you have for me, please keep to yourself.

 

Her: Thats what people tell me to do too... I say those words in emails but I don't press send, I write in my journal too.

 

I say nothing more & she goes back upstairs to do her thing.

 

The reason I share the dialouge is cause this was one of her biggest issues in the M, communication. Just like before, maybe there's something she needs to say but either communicates it indirectly, all of the sudden, or not at all.

 

Maybe it's more dramatic that way. Anyway, this morning she knocked at my door a few times to get something out of the closet...

 

Who knows her motive these days. Here she comes knocking again...

She told me she's on her way out. And wanted to say goodbye.

 

I waived and she mopes out the door; I say wait up and hug her and say see you at mediation tonight.

 

My hunch is she's been dumped, but that's neither here nor there.

She's showing hesitation as we near the finality of this. We both are as u can read. But I know there's no coming back from what she's done. She's just begining to grasp that concept since the OM, for whatever reason, has tapered off contact to some extent.

 

Once mediation is complete I will look for & find my place, then move out. I have a feeling that's when the real battle begins...

 

YESSSSS! (standing, shouting, throwing my fists in the air)

[CM2009]

Good morning all. Before I post my update let me again thank everyone for the awesome feedback. This is week 6 for me since D day and I would have never guessed such craziness could take place inside of me over such a short span.

 

Also, let me answer my own question "how do I stop my wife from seeing OM?" That's easy... You don't, because you can't. Period. It hurts and all but moving on is a very human process. I understand it better now.

 

Now for the update:

 

If you guys recall my Friday was full of backward paces since my STBX was home. See my post above for details.

 

She stayed in the whole weekend & mentioned to me she was sick. After the Friday relapse I figured i'd just be me while we were both @ the condo. I

did just that - I turned on the ps3 and played modern warfare2 for awhile.

 

I made arrangements to hang out and sleep over a good friend of mine's that afternoon. I did just that too. It felt great to be in a space where she had no access. I felt like healing was possible.

 

We did have a few exchanges that day. When I was doing my thing she would say good morning, would you like a waffle, etc... She hadn't seen me actually doing stuff I used to do since D day.

 

So I stay away until Sunday afternoon & go home. She's not there, but arrives like 15 mins after me with groceries. I just figure I'll do my thing again.

 

She turned on movies & was laughing at them - I think trying to grab my attn because they were movies that I like; ones she'd normally change the channel on. Anyway, I see it as another game & don't respond at all. I did say she could have some of the food I made.

 

So into the evening I call her down stairs and say "we have mediation tomorrow and it's my goal that it go smoothly, etc. Let me know if there's any questions you have or things you want to discuss so we can be productive tomorrow."

 

She brought up finances and how we'd be dividing property. I had to remind her more than once that SHE is the sole reason were even having the conversation. I had to remind her that since she blew up our marriage by having the affair her expectation of getting some of what she wanted was just wrong. Believe it or not she was receptive when I said stuff like that & got angry.

 

She kept saying you have an attitude right now. To which I'd say, don't worry about my attitude, be happy that you'll have the information you're asking me for. I told her, you don't even realize how nice I am, despite all this, do you?! Do you think it's easy?!

 

Suprisingly and probably as another trick, she says:

 

You are a nice person.

I appreciate what you're doing for me...

 

I say: and why are you being so nice all the sudden...?

 

Her: cause at the end of the day, I still love you... (wipes eye)

 

me: well even if i felt the same for you, it's too late and can't be taken back, what's done is done - and I'll be the one dragging us both through this if I have to, despite any feelings.

 

She stands up and preps to walk away...

 

I tell her: any feelings of love you have for me, please keep to yourself.

 

Her: Thats what people tell me to do too... I say those words in emails but I don't press send, I write in my journal too.

 

I say nothing more & she goes back upstairs to do her thing.

 

The reason I share the dialouge is cause this was one of her biggest issues in the M, communication. Just like before, maybe there's something she needs to say but either communicates it indirectly, all of the sudden, or not at all.

 

Maybe it's more dramatic that way. Anyway, this morning she knocked at my door a few times to get something out of the closet...

 

Who knows her motive these days. Here she comes knocking again...

She told me she's on her way out. And wanted to say goodbye.

 

I waived and she mopes out the door; I say wait up and hug her and say see you at mediation tonight.

 

My hunch is she's been dumped, but that's neither here nor there.

She's showing hesitation as we near the finality of this. We both are as u can read. But I know there's no coming back from what she's done. She's just begining to grasp that concept since the OM, for whatever reason, has tapered off contact to some extent.

 

Once mediation is complete I will look for & find my place, then move out. I have a feeling that's when the real battle begins...

 

I'm glad your back on track, good luck tonight at mediation!!!

[ConflictedGuy27]

I'm glad your back on track, good luck tonight at mediation!!!

 

Thanks for wishing me luck tonight.

You say I'm back on track and i agree; but just like her, I'm begining to buckle as we get closer to finalizing the D.

 

I'm in love with the woman I married, lol, but it's not the girl I'll be in mediation with tonight. That's such a strange thing.

 

It's my goal to be 100% business tonight - a hardass through & through, yet fair.

 

For dudes in my position, we fall into this false notion that we'll never find anyone better... I'll just keep moving forward and reminding myself that's BS.

[CM2009]

Thanks for wishing me luck tonight.

You say I'm back on track and i agree; but just like her, I'm begining to buckle as we get closer to finalizing the D.

 

I'm in love with the woman I married, lol, but it's not the girl I'll be in mediation with tonight. That's such a strange thing.

 

It's my goal to be 100% business tonight - a hardass through & through, yet fair.

 

For dudes in my position, we fall into this false notion that we'll never find anyone better... I'll just keep moving forward and reminding myself that's BS.

 

I understand exactly how your feeling because I'm going through the samething as well, I love the woman I married but I hate the person she's become. And saying your buckling as it gets closer is normal because your getting all these thoughts in your head of the good times as well as the bad times, the initmate thoughts that you have of the both of your, the time of courting her and all etc. Your also probably thinking am I doing the right thing and then thinking about your vows you made in front of God and your family and friends, I get all that. I'm sure of your religion but lean on that and it'll help you get through it. Yeah be serious tonight because this is a serious situation, your past the games and the bs. I'm kinda like that now with my STBX im more stoic around her, I hardly laugh whenever I'm around her. Just stick to your guns tonight and from hear on in you'll be fine. YOU INSPIRED ME MY FRIEND !!!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Thanks for wishing me luck tonight.

You say I'm back on track and i agree; but just like her, I'm begining to buckle as we get closer to finalizing the D.

 

I'm in love with the woman I married, lol, but it's not the girl I'll be in mediation with tonight. That's such a strange thing.

 

It's my goal to be 100% business tonight - a hardass through & through, yet fair.

 

For dudes in my position, we fall into this false notion that we'll never find anyone better... I'll just keep moving forward and reminding myself that's BS.

 

Everyone here will give you kudos on your being strong. I agree it is important at this time. She has made a grave error and has not realized the true depth of her mistake(s). Keep it business tonight and move forward.

 

However, she is the woman you have shared many years with and the marriage may be worth saving... Those who support you and help you here as great as they may be, it is not for them to judge if it is all worth it or not.

 

If you had been the one who had made the same mistakes and finally came to your senses and asked her for true forgiveness what would you want from her? I understand as this point the problem is that she has not come to her senses and asked for true forgiveness. If that day never comes then so be it. If it comes way to late and the marriage is not salvageable then so be it. In the meantime keep your heart open.

 

Finding someone different, or better, or worse, that is all TRULY irrelevant, we are all human, we all error at some time in some ways.

 

Good luck and be strong!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Everyone here will give you kudos on your being strong. I agree it is important at this time. She has made a grave error and has not realized the true depth of her mistake(s). Keep it business tonight and move forward.

 

However, she is the woman you have shared many years with and the marriage may be worth saving... Those who support you and help you here as great as they may be, it is not for them to judge if it is all worth it or not.

 

If you had been the one who had made the same mistakes and finally came to your senses and asked her for true forgiveness what would you want from her? I understand as this point the problem is that she has not come to her senses and asked for true forgiveness. If that day never comes then so be it. If it comes way to late and the marriage is not salvageable then so be it. In the meantime keep your heart open.

 

Finding someone different, or better, or worse, that is all TRULY irrelevant, we are all human, we all error at some time in some ways.

 

Good luck and be strong!

 

Well put. I'm glad you mentioned to keep your heart open. It's a harder road, trust me; espicially when a TRUE apology has yet to be offered.

 

CM2009 hit it right on the head in his above post - my STBX and I have almost a decade of history and were closing out that chapter, together no less - in mediation, not in court. There's a lot of emotion attached to such an event.

 

I must say I'm glad I was able to stay true to who I am - a kind gentlemen, even when she didn't deserve it.

 

I will divorce her; because that's the consequence for what she's done - she loses me. However, I've avoided fights, being nasty and basically sinking to her level (there's this chick in the office trying to hop into my bed ever since she found out about my issue).

 

Be true to yourself and keep an open heart. Those are important components. I'm interested in seeing what comes next; like you guys I don't have a full picture either - this is uncharted territory for me.

 

One thing I keep picturing is the day I move out and how that'll play out. I'm sure she'll want to be present. Deep down, I want her to stop me and put it all on the line to save the marriage. I have my doubts that'll happen. Which is probably for the best.

Edited March 8, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[Disintegration]

You mentioned that she said something about her "boyfriend" the other day and now you think it may be over between them. Do you think she is now realizing what she is losing? If she potentially hadn't been dumped by the OM would she still want to be with you? You were doing so well, but I know emotions can get in the way. She was/is having an affair, remember it wasn't too long ago that she was in Vegas living it up. Just becareful, I know a part of you wants to work it out, but will she stray again if "you aren't giving her the attention she deserves"? Remember she was trying to justify the affair? Good luck, hope it works out in your best interest.

[CM2009]

Everyone here will give you kudos on your being strong. I agree it is important at this time. She has made a grave error and has not realized the true depth of her mistake(s). Keep it business tonight and move forward.

 

However, she is the woman you have shared many years with and the marriage may be worth saving... Those who support you and help you here as great as they may be, it is not for them to judge if it is all worth it or not.

 

If you had been the one who had made the same mistakes and finally came to your senses and asked her for true forgiveness what would you want from her? I understand as this point the problem is that she has not come to her senses and asked for true forgiveness. If that day never comes then so be it. If it comes way to late and the marriage is not salvageable then so be it. In the meantime keep your heart open.

 

Finding someone different, or better, or worse, that is all TRULY irrelevant, we are all human, we all error at some time in some ways.

 

Good luck and be strong!

 

I agree with keeping your heart open and yes this marriage can be saved but only if one the she realized the error of her ways and communicates with him and also agrees to seek help, now if she does this then its up to him if he feels she and the relationship are worth saving. I'm not a fan of divorce by no means, my parents have been and still are married for over 30+yrs so I'm accustom to being in around couples who really care for one another and who are true and honest with each other. Which is why my issues with my STBX is kinda difficult because I feel as if im going down an alley alone. But yes keep your heart open because you never know what may happen she may change her ways and truely open up to you as a woman, your bestfriend and most importantly your wife. Now with that I would say be careful of your heart because you don't know whats in her mind and heart, just keeping doing you and you'll make it out alright......

[ConflictedGuy27]

I agree with keeping your heart open and yes this marriage can be saved but only if one the she realized the error of her ways and communicates with him and also agrees to seek help, now if she does this then its up to him if he feels she and the relationship are worth saving. I'm not a fan of divorce by no means, my parents have been and still are married for over 30+yrs so I'm accustom to being in around couples who really care for one another and who are true and honest with each other. Which is why my issues with my STBX is kinda difficult because I feel as if im going down an alley alone. But yes keep your heart open because you never know what may happen she may change her ways and truely open up to you as a woman, your bestfriend and most importantly your wife. Now with that I would say be careful of your heart because you don't know whats in her mind and heart, just keeping doing you and you'll make it out alright......

 

Your posts are very helpful CM because we're in similar circumstances. At times it does feel like walking down an alley alone. One way or the other you'll get through your spot, as will I, in time.

 

Today is "one of those days" for me cause my mediation goes on tonight. I'm not sure what to expect, either. Adding onto things, my STBX's stuff was all at home, including the stuff she would take with her when her plan wasn't to come home... My hunch is she'll be home tonight - since she has no place to go (she's been coming home & sleeping on the couch since 3/4/10). I'll have to deal with her post mediation.

 

It hasn't failed yet, when I hit the divorce accelerator she hesitates and gets mushy - last night, the mushiest as she admitted (for the FIRST time in 6 weeks that she does love me). I can only imagine what'll take place this eve...

 

I will update as the story continues to unfold...

Edited March 8, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[Trojan John]

You are perhaps the nicest guy on the planet that also has a spine.

Good on you and the best of luck in your mediation tonight, m8.

[GreenX]

Goodluck tonight CFG!

 

If you haven't left yet and have some rubber bands handy.. or even a string, put it around your wrist and everytime you have a weak moment look to your wrist and remember exactly why you're there. Don't let yourself crumble!

 

Take care

[AIC]

This is my first message here but long time lurker. Should say up front I'm in a happy and awesome relationship with a woman for the last 8yrs, who is my true soul mate, so not coming at this from a perspective of being in a similar situation to you.

 

My first reaction is kick this b-tch to the curb (please excuse language) but obviously I have no emotional attachment to this cheater and this is your heart that is being ripped apart not mine.

 

To be honest from what little I know about you and your relationship (i mean really how much can we know from a few messages on the net), i think if you can stay strong and focused on getting this done without going all lapdog again if she shows a flicker of desire or love for you again, then I would be surprised. This will sound rude but you sound like you've been a bit spineless and she's been walking all over you, usually people like that will always fall back into that pattern of behaviour - if I called you weak it would probably be the wrong word to use, but it's something along those lines in my opinion. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be abusive but I dont think sugercoating things will do you much good at this point in time.

 

Before I met my soulmate I was in a relationship for 3 years which ended I guess you could say badly (no cheating involved, just horror that it was ending) - and it took me probably 2 or 3 years to get over it. Just saying that because it may or may not take you months or years to get over this woman, and that's just the way it is.

 

But one day you will get over it and when you do you'll be in a much better place.

 

Something from left field.....have you ever thought about going travelling for a month or two after this is over? I know backpacking/travelling isnt for everyone but it'll keep you busy and it might help you find where your new life path might lead to in the future. Just a suggestion.

 

Anyway cheers and good luck with it.

[AIC]

Actually I'd say he's handling it better than most, seems composed and sensible, handling it 10 times better than I probably would in a similar situation.

[lordWilhelm]

Maybe I missed but, is there any reason you're staying in the condo with her? You should move in an apartment or with a friend or something sooner rather than later. It seems you're decided to move forward but her mere presence is a problem.

[stillafool]

It's a hard situation for anyone to go through. The problem is that emotions run so high and knowing the one you love is with another can make you want that person even more, even though you may hate yourself for it. Also since his wife has been staying home and seeming as though she doesn't want the divorce that makes it harder for him to go through with it. If he accepts sex from her it will be even harder to leave. Only they know their love, their marriage and what it can sustain. I feel for CG.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Good morning all,

 

For all those in my situation or one simalar to mine, I must share that the key is knowing deep down what YOU want. In my case, I'm torn between my heart holding out hope for recon and my head knowing that she doesn't want to & even if she did she'd cheat again...

 

So with that in mind I'm a bit low today. Mediation went ok; there was one point of business that got me really disapointed - basically I thought EVERYTHING was going to be a 50/50 split but when she got the green light to leave me completely on the hook for one of my loans I blew up.

 

She got the message because I debated/argued my point to her while in session. Afterward I just left (didn't leave together) and later she began calling & texting to see if we could talk about it...

 

She left me a voice message saying she wanted to let me know she was at home, was willing to talk and to let her know if I wasn't comfortable with her being at home. I texted (and soon after regretted) her and told her to just give me time to blow off steam, we'll talk later. She then says ok; then I text her about 10 mins later telling her to leave & stay with her friends tonight...

 

Bottom line, I was mad. But I didn't want to shove her into the arms of the OM... She says she went to stay @ a girl friends house in a part of town that she moved from weeks ago... Has OM written all over it. I felt like I opened my mouth too early, shouldn't have said a damn thing.

 

I called her and said I needed her to swing back to the condo so we could talk. She said she just arrived therefore shed be staying and we could talk tomorrow... Break ups are so stupid, espicially at the marriage level - there's so much emotional entanglement, etc. (for fools like me who allow it).

 

Fact of the matter is I wasn't pissed at the loan not being split; it was the fact that I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, atleast not in mediation. I was expecting her to maybe open up more when I arrived back home but I told her to leave.

 

She says she'll come back today but sheesh, there's really not much to discuss. Bottom line, I'm taking action as quickly as possible because I don't feel I have a choice in the matter... I hate to do it but I almost want to open up another heart to heart and talk about the love she's been showing here & there, what it means and if she is 100% on board with finalizing the D.

 

My brain knows EXACTLY what to expect. My heart doesn't beleive her words... Do I really want a cheater back, yes; if we could find the true issue & repair it. If not, than there really is nothing left to salvage.

 

Again, for those in my situation or close to it, focus on aligning your mind and heart with what you actually want, pursue it until it's not worth pursuing; if it can't be fixed, chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

I'll likely open up that heart to heart if it feels right tonight. If it doesn't, I'll just continue on the point of business I was upset with yesterday and continue finalizing the D.

Edited March 9, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[CM2009]

Express whats on your heart/mind and let it be, put the ball in her court. But I do know how your feeling because you expected the mediation to be one way but it turned out to be something else so I feel ya bro. And trust me your gonna be on that emotional Yo-Yo, your gonna go back and forth about what to do. I would just say take care of yourself, go out with friends and just get away from her. Is the condo in your name or her's and if yours she needs to go stay with a girlfriend, or if she goes and stays with the OM then oh well that's on her but you need peace of mind so you can make a logical choice!!!!

[stillafool]

[

QUOTE=ConflictedGuy27;2693351]

 

Fact of the matter is I wasn't pissed at the loan not being split; it was the fact that I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, atleast not in mediation. I was expecting her to maybe open up more when I arrived back home but I told her to leave.

 

What reaction were you looking for CG?

 

 

She says she'll come back today but sheesh, there's really not much to discuss. Bottom line, I'm taking action as quickly as possible because I don't feel I have a choice in the matter... I hate to do it but I almost want to open up another heart to heart and talk about the love she's been showing here & there, what it means and if she is 100% on board with finalizing the D.

 

Stop beating yourself up you've been doing great. You have every right to want to know how she feels about the marriage before you go ahead with the divorce. Yes talk to her and ask her everything you want to know. Of course be prepared that you may not get the whole truth but at least you won't have to walk away wondering. You will have some of the answers that are pressing on your mind. I think it will be good for you whether you decide to recon or move on, at least you will know.

[In_Repair]

CG, I live in a no fault state also, but we have a longer one year physical separation requirement before divorce. I don''t know if it differs in your state, but the separation period can not start until you are actually physically separated and living apart. Also, in my state, you CAN change the locks after she leaves. Once she leaves she cannot remove anything from that house without a specific court order for it. By allowing her to come and go as she pleases, you are taking away your own rights. I would talk to someone in your area about this.

 

You mentioned a possibility of paying alimony if you expose her affair to her employer and get her fired. Don't worry about that. Alimony is based on the marital history and the degree to which she was a dependent spouse during the marriage. Getting her fired at this point should have no effect at all. Child support might be another issue, but she can't nail you at this point for alimony. With no children to suffer from her loss of employment, I'd deliver the news to her boss in person. Do you really see telling her boss as revenge? Revenge?... for leaving to shack up with another man and then coming back and rubbing it in your face? Nah, it's not revenge, more like just having a little fun with the cheating bitch who caused you to waste so much of your life.

 

Oh yeah, the whole teary eyed "I still love you" crap and the fact that she is staying there?... add that to her checking up on that other woman and it's clear that she has either had a falling out with her OM, or she found out something about him that has made her pause. That's why she is back in your face, making sure her safety net is still there.

[bestplayer]

Good morning all,

 

For all those in my situation or one simalar to mine, I must share that the key is knowing deep down what YOU want. In my case, I'm torn between my heart holding out hope for recon and my head knowing that she doesn't want to & even if she did she'd cheat again...

 

So with that in mind I'm a bit low today. Mediation went ok; there was one point of business that got me really disapointed - basically I thought EVERYTHING was going to be a 50/50 split but when she got the green light to leave me completely on the hook for one of my loans I blew up.

 

She got the message because I debated/argued my point to her while in session. Afterward I just left (didn't leave together) and later she began calling & texting to see if we could talk about it...

 

She left me a voice message saying she wanted to let me know she was at home, was willing to talk and to let her know if I wasn't comfortable with her being at home. I texted (and soon after regretted) her and told her to just give me time to blow off steam, we'll talk later. She then says ok; then I text her about 10 mins later telling her to leave & stay with her friends tonight...

 

Bottom line, I was mad. But I didn't want to shove her into the arms of the OM... She says she went to stay @ a girl friends house in a part of town that she moved from weeks ago... Has OM written all over it. I felt like I opened my mouth too early, shouldn't have said a damn thing.

 

I called her and said I needed her to swing back to the condo so we could talk. She said she just arrived therefore shed be staying and we could talk tomorrow... Break ups are so stupid, espicially at the marriage level - there's so much emotional entanglement, etc. (for fools like me who allow it).

 

Fact of the matter is I wasn't pissed at the loan not being split; it was the fact that I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, atleast not in mediation. I was expecting her to maybe open up more when I arrived back home but I told her to leave.

 

She says she'll come back today but sheesh, there's really not much to discuss. Bottom line, I'm taking action as quickly as possible because I don't feel I have a choice in the matter... I hate to do it but I almost want to open up another heart to heart and talk about the love she's been showing here & there, what it means and if she is 100% on board with finalizing the D.

 

My brain knows EXACTLY what to expect. My heart doesn't beleive her words... Do I really want a cheater back, yes; if we could find the true issue & repair it. If not, than there really is nothing left to salvage.

 

Again, for those in my situation or close to it, focus on aligning your mind and heart with what you actually want, pursue it until it's not worth pursuing; if it can't be fixed, chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

I'll likely open up that heart to heart if it feels right tonight. If it doesn't, I'll just continue on the point of business I was upset with yesterday and continue finalizing the D.

 

CG I too believe that before both of u taking a decison like this , u must be absolutely sure that there isn't any lack of heart-to heart talk about everything . sometimes when u r caught up with situations like this , u just go along the motions so that u dont look like weak person , & honest discussion might get ignored. although it doesn't necssarily mean that she will change her mind but atleast u dont want any feelings good or bad for her to left unsaid . when in a situation u know is already gone , u can take the risk of may be looking like needy person once , and let ur feelings out . Even if it doesn't change her mind u will have the staisfaction of expressing all the pain she has caused & trust me it will be much easier for u to get over her .It will be a baggage & u will keep hurting because of this . So far I am sure u have not had a cahnace heart-to heart talk , about u two & nothing about divorce proceedings, money or house .

why should she get away so easily without any blame , as if she hadn't hurt u & u r perfectly ok with her decison . She needs to at least let u speak ur heart out so that u can get over her .

Edited March 9, 2010 by bestplayer