How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[on1wheel]

I just got caught up on the drama since I last added a post last week. The OP is doing well, especially since they still reside together. I don't know how he has remained cordial.

When I caught my W in her A, I let her know exactly what I thought of her, how much damage she had done to me & our 19 mth old child, the fact that I would make sure ALL our family & friends knew why I was divorcing her; best of all I sent an anonymous email to the CEO of the security company she worked for, as she got him a promotion that he didn't deserve...based on her supposed nuetral opinion.

He lost his job the day I caught them, W divorced him & took their 2 kids. My W was quickly pulled out of the A fog & realized all that she was about to lose.

You see cheaters will continue to cheat if they feel the rush is worth what they may lose. In your case CG, I don't think she feels you really will leave or divorce her. That's why she keeps checking in on you; like checking to see if your steak is cooked. When you show her kindness, civility, interest etc; well it let's her know you're "not done yet" that you will take more abuse/neglect.

This woman is the B*tch of all B*thches & is mind F_cking you daily.

You need to tell her how you really feel, what you really think of her, then go full NC, move out & disappear.

Your life will magically fall into place from there...I just know it. What have you got to lose? She's already gone, you said you don't want her back no matter what; so the only thing you've got to lose is her!!!

Cut the B*tch loose & let Karma sort her out. We are all pulling for U.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have read your whole thread and I am envious. My husband is a cheater and angry man who blows up a lot. It is a LOT harder to be able to do what you have done b/c we have a ten month old together. So we are trying to put it back together. He can only promise that he will "work on himself." Not stay loyal or quit breaking stuff, or stop running away for a week to hole himself up in a hotel room. Just that he'll "work on it."

I decided that I am not divorcing but that I am moving on with my own life and taking care of my daughter. If he is too blind to stop acting like a jackass then he can stop sharing my room and my bed until he is ready to grow up. No loss.

[CM2009]

Thanks jthorne, I appreciate the support. It's not the easiest ordeal, that's for damn sure.

 

It's very tempting to go out and get a GF. Some days are more lonely than others, you see. I realize that's a bad idea - as i've still got baggage I need to ditch. I hate how my STBX jumped into a situation where she's getting her "needs" met, but I'm trying to be Mr. Righteous over here... Not fair.

 

Some friends keep insisting I need to get laid, lol.

Maybe they're right...

 

HAHA, yeah man you sounded just like me a few months ago. Yeah it is tempting to want to go out and get a gf trust me I already got some offers but I'm just not gonna settle for anything and plus im waiting for this marriage to be done because I don't wanna get anyone as a rebound. But I do feel u on days being lonely, been there and through that, I would say just go out with girls on dates it helps a lot to take your mind off your situation.

 

A lot of my friends said the samething about me needing to get laid, at first I didn't feel and still sort of don't because I'm still married but I kinda wised up to the idea and I finally got laid a lot lately but to be honest do whatever you feel in your heart, you may wanna wait a while I actually suggest that. I hope you don't mind me askin but when was the last time u 2 were intimate together cause it was 3 months between my STBX and I being intimate and us splitting up.......

[stillafool]

I hate how my STBX jumped into a situation where she's getting her "needs" met, but I'm trying to be Mr. Righteous over here... Not fair.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

The thing is she didn't "jump" into a situation. This took months of cultivating before the affair bloomed. Just shows you how long she has been deceiving you. You are doing great. Hang in there.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I hope you don't mind me askin but when was the last time u 2 were intimate together cause it was 3 months between my STBX and I being intimate and us splitting up.......

 

Yikes this is my longest dry spell in damn near a decade, lol.

No action since new years I believe. All good though.

 

I went on one date so far and didn't even realize it. This was a few weeks ago. A lady friend of mine asked me to take her to dinner so we could talk about my situation. Lol. I didn't realize she liked me until half way into the evening - lotta clevage showing, some touching here n there. Then a light went off and I realized I was being "that guy" who just complains about his ex issues.

 

I nipped it in the bud and shifted the subject to her. I've gone out with her since, but she's not my type really. After that one night, it dawned on me that I've gotta finalize this and move on before I revert back to my normal self.

 

On top of that, my buddy's assistant at work is very aggressive and wants to jump my bones, lol. She's quite the looker too, but that has trouble written ALL over it. I love the flattery so I welcome the conversation, from time to time, and I got her number but that's going too far.

 

I would immediatly regret doing the act with a coworker.

[ConflictedGuy27]

CG you need to push her off the fence.

 

Stop letting her do small things that aggrivates you. If she's going out with the OM, why is she bothering you? why is she sitting on the bed asking you questions!!!???

 

WTF, why the hell did you open the door!?

 

Good lord. I have a feeling that when you do move out and start dating someone else. She'll crack, she'll go crazy and you'll see.

 

I think deep inside she does love you. but affairs are addictions but remember when she's out of the fog and the affair is over. She'll turn back to you full force. Mark my words.

 

Lol, well said: "why the hell did u open the door?" Hmmm... honestly, I thought the "apology" was coming, as I heard her say "can I come in, Babe?"

 

I thought I was gonna see some groveling!! Lol, nope. Wishful thinking on my part. Good thing I went poker face on her. In hind sight, not answering would've been more appropriate.

 

I fully agree with your hunch about her coming back after the fog clears. My guess is she'll remain foggy for atleast another 2 - 5 months. She's always had this thing where sex = love. If the sex is any good, i'd suspect she'll stay foggy for atleast 4 months. I know her well.

 

Absent the fog, she'll sees in turbulent water with me out of the picture.

I'll likely have a new flame by the time the fog clears. Like you, I've had other warnings to guard against her trying to mess up my relationship(s). My thinking may be naive, as I don't suspect she'd go as far as to stalk or sabotage my new relationship; but I'll still guard agaisnt it.

[jmargel]

Conflicted.. this is a new guy to your thread and maybe I can shed some new things to this as well.

First I have to say I've been helping others on here for years and I had an experience very similiar to yours.

 

That being said you have every right to be upset with her. However there is something you should know. She didn't cheat because of you. She didn't cheat to hurt you. She cheated because of her insecurities along with her inability to deal with her issues. What she needs is counseling. If that is something she is willing to do and to drop this guy then at least she is showing you actions on how she wants to improve herself.

 

She shattered the foundation of your marriage with her cheating. However I must mention again the root of all of this is with her inability to deal with certain situations. The issue here is not the cheating. You are too scoped in on that. And rightfully so to think that, but you need to take a step back.

 

Now on your part. You weren't perfect in this marriage. You didn't cheat but you made mistakes. Now is the time to do some soul searching on how you could have improved things for the marriage, yourself and her. What could you have done to make things better?

 

I was cheated on twice, by my ex-fiancee and my wife (emotionally as far as I know). It hurts.. bad. You start to distrust everyone around you. But what you have to realize is that you can't put your own self-worth into another person. You also have to realize that not everyone is perfect.

 

The decision to divorce is upto you. However there will be one day once this all ends that she won't be coming around anymore. She won't be calling, she won't be texting. She will have moved on. What she is doing now is not a sign of deception, it's a sign for help. She needs counseling. Offer it to her, not with the intention of getting her back but for the time being she is your wife. You still have that responsiblity to help her.

 

If you leave this marriage for good, know in your mind that you have done everything possible. Along with that keep strict boundaries in place.

[ConflictedGuy27]

She called you "babe"? Ugh. That's kinda insulting at this point.

Meh, get your bizzness outta the way. You'll have girls saying "hey baby" in no time.

 

I believe I heard her call me "Babe"... I could have been mistaken, but I doubt it. I agree, it wad super inappropriate at this point. I have a hunch that she's begining to catch on that I'm becoming indifferent towards her and meaning it. I also agree she's checking in on me like I'm a Fu*cking steak on the grill - done yet? Nope u can handle a tad more mind fu*king.

 

I answered a few business related emails, this am, very matter of factly - no Hi or Goodbye, just the facts. She's reciprocating in her responses too, which is a good sign, IMO. We'll see how the week goes.

[CM2009]

Yikes this is my longest dry spell in damn near a decade, lol.

No action since new years I believe. All good though.

 

I went on one date so far and didn't even realize it. This was a few weeks ago. A lady friend of mine asked me to take her to dinner so we could talk about my situation. Lol. I didn't realize she liked me until half way into the evening - lotta clevage showing, some touching here n there. Then a light went off and I realized I was being "that guy" who just complains about his ex issues.

 

I nipped it in the bud and shifted the subject to her. I've gone out with her since, but she's not my type really. After that one night, it dawned on me that I've gotta finalize this and move on before I revert back to my normal self.

 

On top of that, my buddy's assistant at work is very aggressive and wants to jump my bones, lol. She's quite the looker too, but that has trouble written ALL over it. I love the flattery so I welcome the conversation, from time to time, and I got her number but that's going too far.

 

I would immediatly regret doing the act with a coworker.

 

Oh yeah man you will regret it, trust me from personal experience. But yeah I was also at that point I went out but yeah it dawned on me to that I gotta get my issues taken care before I start tryin to tag females. But your doin a good job, I was where u were but I slipped a few times from in Jan and Feb but I know before I start chasin these females again I gotta finish closin this chapter with the STBX.......

[ConflictedGuy27]

Oh yeah man you will regret it, trust me from personal experience. But yeah I was also at that point I went out but yeah it dawned on me to that I gotta get my issues taken care before I start tryin to tag females. But your doin a good job, I was where u were but I slipped a few times from in Jan and Feb but I know before I start chasin these females again I gotta finish closin this chapter with the STBX.......

 

It's always cool to know you're not alone. Damn our STBX's and the mysery they bring!! Good luck to you in your situation CM. I'm pullin' for you.

[Steadfast]

 

The decision to divorce is upto you. However there will be one day once this all ends that she won't be coming around anymore. She won't be calling, she won't be texting. She will have moved on. What she is doing now is not a sign of deception, it's a sign for help. She needs counseling. Offer it to her, not with the intention of getting her back but for the time being she is your wife. You still have that responsiblity to help her.

 

 

I think I know what you're getting at, but I'm still not sure I can agree. The 'responsibility' of getting help belongs to her, not CG. Those of us who've been in his place understand all too well the thin line that exists. At this point, with her clearly involved in a affair, the best thing to do is keep your distance and let her deal with things alone. Offer no kind of 'help' or 'counsel'. Nothing wrong with hearing her out, but again; how can anyone in CG's position know if it's genuine? You can't. She made this mess.

 

Letting her go means just that. He owes her nothing at this point.

 

And CG? Do yourself a favor and stay away from the ladies for awhile. I speak from experience when I say it'll only make you feel worse. Believe me on this! It isn't fair to you, or the lady...even if it's just a one night stand. Until the divorce is final, you're legally married. Just do yourself and your heart a favor and stay away. There will be time for that later.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I think I know what you're getting at, but I'm still not sure I can agree. The 'responsibility' of getting help belongs to her, not CG. Those of us who've been in his place understand all too well the thin line that exists. At this point, with her clearly involved in a affair, the best thing to do is keep your distance and let her deal with things alone. Offer no kind of 'help' or 'counsel'. Nothing wrong with hearing her out, but again; how can anyone in CG's position know if it's genuine? You can't. She made this mess.

 

Letting her go means just that. He owes her nothing at this point.

 

And CG? Do yourself a favor and stay away from the ladies for awhile. I speak from experience when I say it'll only make you feel worse. Believe me on this! It isn't fair to you, or the lady...even if it's just a one night stand. Until the divorce is final, you're legally married. Just do yourself and your heart a favor and stay away. There will be time for that later.

 

Agreed. I'd be happy for her if she woke up one day and began dealing with her sh*t in individual counseling; I have no doubt she needs it.

 

However, with regard to suggesting it at this point, two things: (1) been there, done that. Earlier in this whole drama I suggested she check out counseling, I gave it my vote shortly after begining the work on myself in IC. Her interest is her affair at the moment. Nothing else matters; which brings me to (2) me getting her into counseling (against her will) is impossible. Additionally, Fu*k her... She treated me worse than sh*t, man... She literally ABANDONDED her HUSBAND, the man who invested 9 years with her, 3 of which were marriage. I would have taken multiple bullets for her without even thinking about it and she split on all we built so she could feel "in love" for awhile and Fu*ck her coworker. Not just once either, but multiple times without remorse.

 

That's sugar coating the truth quite frankly... I'm done w/ her and only a fool would willingly volunteer for round 2 of that BS. Sorry to be so graphic, but I disagree when you saw she's STILL my wife... Please, she is on paper. She's her OM's girl friend - that's the truth of the matter and I can give a damn about her and I as an item once more, quite frankly.

 

Hmmm... That about covers my thoughts on my STBX and counseling.

 

With regard to dodging the ladies, that's sound advice I know. I'm looking forward to my next rendevois with a real woman that's my type, cool and faithful. I'll do my best to keep @ a distance. Thanks for the advice.

[Trojan John]

Have you given any thought to taking a nice long vacation sometime in the near future?

[stillafool]

I think I know what you're getting at, but I'm still not sure I can agree. The 'responsibility' of getting help belongs to her, not CG. Those of us who've been in his place understand all too well the thin line that exists. At this point, with her clearly involved in a affair, the best thing to do is keep your distance and let her deal with things alone. Offer no kind of 'help' or 'counsel'. Nothing wrong with hearing her out, but again; how can anyone in CG's position know if it's genuine? You can't. She made this mess.

 

Letting her go means just that. He owes her nothing at this point.

 

And CG? Do yourself a favor and stay away from the ladies for awhile. I speak from experience when I say it'll only make you feel worse. Believe me on this! It isn't fair to you, or the lady...even if it's just a one night stand. Until the divorce is final, you're legally married. Just do yourself and your heart a favor and stay away. There will be time for that later.

 

 

I completely agree. I think if CG should worry about himself at this point, he is taking quite the blow, far worst than what she is going through. Maybe CG may want to talk to a therapist if he feels it would help him. I'm not really sure what kind of game his W is playing.

[stillafool]

Agreed. I'd be happy for her if she woke up one day and began dealing with her sh*t in individual counseling; I have no doubt she needs it.

 

However, with regard to suggesting it at this point, two things: (1) been there, done that. Earlier in this whole drama I suggested she check out counseling, I gave it my vote shortly after begining the work on myself in IC. Her interest is her affair at the moment. Nothing else matters; which brings me to (2) me getting her into counseling (against her will) is impossible. Additionally, Fu*k her... She treated me worse than sh*t, man... She literally ABANDONDED her HUSBAND, the man who invested 9 years with her, 3 of which were marriage. I would have taken multiple bullets for her without even thinking about it and she split on all we built so she could feel "in love" for awhile and Fu*ck her coworker. Not just once either, but multiple times without remorse.

 

That's sugar coating the truth quite frankly... I'm done w/ her and only a fool would willingly volunteer for round 2 of that BS. Sorry to be so graphic, but I disagree when you saw she's STILL my wife... Please, she is on paper. She's her OM's girl friend - that's the truth of the matter and I can give a damn about her and I as an item once more, quite frankly.

 

Hmmm... That about covers my thoughts on my STBX and counseling.

 

With regard to dodging the ladies, that's sound advice I know. I'm looking forward to my next rendevois with a real woman that's my type, cool and faithful. I'll do my best to keep @ a distance. Thanks for the advice.

 

 

GO AHEAD CG!!!!:bunny: The good news is you are only 27 and the ladies are already lining up to see what happens with you and you W. You will come through this a much stronger person than you ever imagined.

[jmargel]

Conflicted you still never answered my question. What could have done to make this marriage better? Don't be so ignorant to think you did everything you could. Stop the self pity, stop the self-loathing. It won't get you anywhere.

 

We get that you were hurt, we all were at one point. It sucks but we learn from it and move on. Learning from it means to do a little soul-searching on what YOU did wrong. Not that it's a reason for someone to cheat but if you are going to look at her wrongs, look at yours too.

 

I'm not saying to push her into counseling, but to let her know there's still an option for her to help herself. I doubt she likes living this way, she's going through her own turmoil. She's trying to find happiness within someone else which is not something one can ever achieve.

 

You are going to find you will be going through the five stages of grief, actually you are now. Look it up. The final stage is acceptance and when you hit that stage and realize that the whole situation is over and will be thinking back what you could've done different.

 

When my ex cheated on me I had the same feelings as you. I concentrated on what she 'did to me'. I was too focused on that. It kept me from moving on, it kept alot of anger in me. It kept me from trusting other women. What I had to do was push myself away from that, realize what 'I' could have done better and start taking steps on doing it for myself. Only then did I realize that though what she did was wrong, it was her way of reacting to some of the things I did.

 

I don't blame myself for her cheating, I blame her way of reacting to the situation we were in.

 

I'm not saying to get back her, I'm saying she is not your enemy. She will wake up from all of this one day, and she will show regret and apologize. However do you really want her to hit rock bottom? Do you really want the worst for her? For her to either get pregnant by some ******* or even worse get into an abusive relationship with some jerk? I'm could probably guess she's had a bad childhood (parent's divorced, etc..). Her way of dealing with situations is to run away from them, just let her know now is the opportunity to face it.

 

Actually you know what? In this case I would recommend printing all of this out and giving it to her. Don't say a word, just hand it to her. If this doesn't get her to start thinking, nothing will.

Edited March 23, 2010 by jmargel

[ConflictedGuy27]

Have you given any thought to taking a nice long vacation sometime in the near future?

 

I'll be taking some time off in April. I'll be a bit strapped for cash after all this so I'm not sure where I'll end up, physically; but I'm sure that finding relaxation won't be difficult. If there's one thing I do well, it's chillen. ;p

 

Good suggestion. I'll give this idea more thought.

[CM2009]

I'll be taking some time off in April. I'll be a bit strapped for cash after all this so I'm not sure where I'll end up, physically; but I'm sure that finding relaxation won't be difficult. If there's one thing I do well, it's chillen. ;p

 

Good suggestion. I'll give this idea more thought.

 

You know what take a vacation my dude, thats something I sould've done. I went even harder at work so I could've kept my mind busy and nothing think about her but now a year later I need a break because I'm physically and emotionally tired......

[ConflictedGuy27]

Those of us who've been in his place understand all too well the thin line that exists. At this point, with her clearly involved in a affair, the best thing to do is keep your distance and let her deal with things alone. Offer no kind of 'help' or 'counsel'. Nothing wrong with hearing her out, but again; how can anyone in CG's position know if it's genuine? You can't. She made this mess.

 

Letting her go means just that. He owes her nothing at this point.

 

These words are very true. I've been very indifferent towards her for days now. For me, it's required considering the facts. This isn't the hardest part (letting go) but the finalality of it is begining to surface - We'll both be absent from each others' lives, period.

 

Letting go is very uncomfortable, but I'm convinced I gotta do it. I forget if it was Ol' 2long or Stillafool that warned me about the what if's & hypothedicals, lol, but sometimes I just want to jump inside my STBX's head and see that she regrets this or is sorry on some level.

 

Okay, okay, that's all the what if's I got. I'll stop em all soon enough. ;p

[Chrome Barracuda]

Indifferent is the way to be. Nothing is gonna change her mind about the affair. nothing.

 

She'll have to realize it for herself!

 

Oh and damn CG you got so many girls hitting on you it's crazy! well at least you wont have to search hard for company they're just throwing themselves at you!

 

You wont be lacking for female attention! that's for sure!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Indifferent is the way to be. Nothing is gonna change her mind about the affair. nothing.

 

She'll have to realize it for herself!

 

Oh and damn CG you got so many girls hitting on you it's crazy! well at least you wont have to search hard for company they're just throwing themselves at you!

 

You wont be lacking for female attention! that's for sure!

 

Omg, maybe I misrepresented something some posts back. There are only two women reaching out in a romantic way and neither are my type. In effect, I've got no prospects, but there will be time for that. Plus I just want platonic female friends so I can have social access to their girlfriends - I.e. "oh, you haven't met my friend CG, I'll introduce you..." the more of that I can welcome, the better.

 

So to clarify, chicks aren't all over me. Lol.

 

To your first point - the one I think is easiest for me to forget, ironically - her affair continues and she lives in the fog. NOTHING can change that. She just has to get it, if and/or whenever that happens. Not like that point matters much either, the fact is she's fired. Hmmm... Maybe I'm not as indifferent as I'd like to think I am - if I care that she gets it, that must be connected to some latent hope for recon or latent love for her.

 

Oh well - indifference is my middle name.

[stillafool]

Indifferent is the way to be. Nothing is gonna change her mind about the affair. nothing.

 

She'll have to realize it for herself!

 

Oh and damn CG you got so many girls hitting on you it's crazy! well at least you wont have to search hard for company they're just throwing themselves at you!

 

You wont be lacking for female attention! that's for sure!

 

 

I swear CG, you must be smokin HOT! Your wife must be crazy. She will want you back. You are going to look even hotter once you get thru the stress of having to see her everyday knowing she has been with him.

[stillafool]

It is only natural to want her to feel regret for her choices. Afterall, it isn't realistic to stop loving her overnight. Just try to stay indifferent to protect your own emotions at this point. If you feel that you have questions you want answered, ask her, you have every right to get closure in this situation. Don't let your pride prevent you from asking the questions you want answers to and yes it is okay to put her in the "hot seat". Just ask the questions in a calm manner. The next time she bothers you with some other insane excuse of hers, call her in for a sit down. I would write down everything I want to know before I sat down with her and let that be it.

[jmargel]

CG you still didn't reply to my post.

[Steadfast]

 

CG you still didn't reply to my post.

 

 

I'm sure he'll answer when/if he has something to say.

 

In the meantime, I'll say I completely agree with you. No one is 'innocent' in a failed marriage, but asking CG to reach this level of understanding right now is an unrealistic expectation. You must walk before you can run, and he has a whole bunch of things to work through first. Like Gunny said over in the 'Separation and Divorce' section once; "We search and search for answers regarding our failed relationships, only to discover ourselves".