How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[stillafool]

Another thing to really think about. If she did come back begging at your feet for forgiveness and you decided to forgive and stay married. How would you feel holding her in your arms and kissing her? How would you feel the first time you make love to her knowing she has been with him? How would you feel cuddling with her again, smelling her hair, knowing that she had done this with him? I'm not saying it can't be done, but it would take a long time to put her back on that pedestal again. If you ever could.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah those mind movies are a killer. that could really hinder any process for reconciliation. I mean we believe in the sanctity of our marriages, while our wives do not. Who would honestly be with a woman and then have to remember all the bad things she put you through? I mean call it affair fog or whatever, but cheating is a choice.

 

How can she make the choice to willingly betray you, then change her mind after the addiction is over and expect you to take her back?

 

Come' on son!

 

That's a hard pill to swallow. Besides he knows what he wants in life, the decision to have an affair and leave the marriage is his wife's choice. No amount of marital counciling will fix that! he's not to blame and it isnt his fault.

 

Even good marriages affairs happen. people on this stupid website still fail to realize that.

[bestplayer]

It is only natural to want her to feel regret for her choices. Afterall, it isn't realistic to stop loving her overnight. Just try to stay indifferent to protect your own emotions at this point. If you feel that you have questions you want answered, ask her, you have every right to get closure in this situation. Don't let your pride prevent you from asking the questions you want answers to and yes it is okay to put her in the "hot seat". Just ask the questions in a calm manner. The next time she bothers you with some other insane excuse of hers, call her in for a sit down. I would write down everything I want to know before I sat down with her and let that be it.

 

stillafool , that is an excellent advice & very practical .

[stillafool]

I suppose it can be done, but I don't believe it should be. Nobody should be on a pedestel, least of all someone who's betrayed the person she promised 2 respect her whole life.

 

My wife's affair has been over for years now. We've been married over 34 years. But I'll never put her on a pedestal again after what I've been through and learned about people (including, especially in fact, myself).

 

-ol' 2long

 

Heed this CG. That's just the way its going to be.

[ConflictedGuy27]

CG you still didn't reply to my post.

 

I'll do my best to answer your post based on what I remember.

 

If I recall, the basis of your post was to realize that there's s reason that marriages fail and there's generally fault on both sides. Further you encorage me to "look in the mirror" at those issuses.

 

Before I say my piece, let me preface with letting you know a bit about myself: I'm what you would call an "under the hood" type of guy. I'm a tinkerer; a fixer, like many men. Understanding how/why things function or disfunction both fascinates and motivates me.

 

Now let's rewind to the second week after D Day. This was before I confirmed the affair and fronted my STBX with evidence; this was before she ran out on me for 3 weeks.

 

I went into hyperdrive and read about three books and every article I could get my hands on, online, that remotely resembled how a person in my situation could repair their situation. I looked inward immediatly, because I thought I truely was the problem. When we had a serious heart to heart she said she knows I love her but she felt neglected, and boxed in within the confines of the marriage and also like we weren't doing enough new stuff, more exciting stuff that involved more risk.

 

It's true that the vacations we'd go on were pretty safe bets and we didn't go partying every weekend. With regard to neglect, our communication wasn't the best, as I would often ask her what she wanted to do and she could never decide unless I presented options. Her common response would be "I'm not sure, but let's do something fun." In light of what I learned in books and articles, which focused primarily on meeting your partners emotional needs, I figured perhaps I wasn't meeting her need for affection or communication or what have you.

 

After I brought up things I thought would help and she would shoot them down, I suggested counseling for us - which she also shot down. I figured something had to be wrong and I later confirmed the affair. Now don't get me wrong, I agree with the premise that affairs are usually a symptom of a bigger problem but I submit to you that the problem is with her; and therefore my power to help her is handcuffed at best.

 

For weeks I tried to blow the fog of her affair out of her face and reconcile, but I I'm not so naive anymore. There's not a damn thing I can do about her problems at this point. After I became depressed I decided IC would help and we explored my contribution - I ceased over functioning, which I learned to do since I was a kid. I did EVERYTHING in our relationship cause when she was happy, I was. According to my shrink she's an underfunctioning personality - a borderline NPD taker if you will. And I was any narssist's dream - an over functioning man in love. She was spoiled with my time and energy. When all that stops and such a person begins to function normally (as I did) it is generally perceived by the underfunctioning party as disinterest or neglect.

 

Even if that wasn't the dynamic, my expectation was that we could talk to each other about anything, including ways to change up the M in a way that was most satisfying to her. She used to do that. This time she fronted like all was well when it wasn't. She was getting attention elsewhere, liked it and withdrew from allowing me to meet those needs. As cliche as it sounds communication really is the key and I wasn't allowed in. This was past the danger point though, the affair was on.

 

If I could pin point one thing about me it's that I would often listen to her and her issues with the intent to fix. Sometimes shed say she didn't want me fix, but just to listen to her - she would just wanna vent sometimes. When she told me it was great. Often I'd ask "babe do u need me to just listen or would u like my advice/input?" shed say which and I'd do one or the other.

 

She had a lot of flaws that I looked past or compromised with cause I knew what I married. I wouldn't have cheated on her. She did on me. When I look at my contribution to the poor parts of our M, they're dwarfed by the acts she pulled off... It's no contest. Guys aren't mind readers and if she wasn't telling me what she really needed, instead of saying it was all great, perhaps things couldve been different. But that was the past.

 

I've already come to grips that I can't change what happened then. We all operate in the present, in real time. Today, thanks to 7 weeks of IC, I know myself better than ever and I'll be wary of those quirks of mine that could sour a relationship. Sure I had a few. I admit.

 

However, all along the way, every step of the way my STBX was in control. She decided kissing him was okay; she decided dinner dates were okay; she decided taking off her underwear and sleeping with him was okay; she decided destroying our M was okay... Symptom of a bigger issue it may be; but Fu*k that sh*t...

 

I can and will do better. She's fired, forever.

With respect my contributions were the equivalent of a bucket of ice cubes dropped in the ocean; hers were Fu*ckin' glaciers...

[ConflictedGuy27]

... Even [in] good marriages affairs happen. people on this stupid website still fail to realize that.

 

With all due respect to Jmargel, I agree with Chrome on this point and submit that we had a "good marriage" going, all things considered.

 

All it takes is one spouce to jump off the deep end to sink the whole M. It's amazing to me; almost academically facinating at this point... I used to say to myself earlier how floored I was at how FAST she destroyed everything - in mere weeks.

 

The happiest married couple probably fails to realize how fragile their M actually is. I'm not bitter towards M, in fact I still believe in the institution, but wow - all it takes is one to blow a M sky effing high (in CA).

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yep, She made the choice to do everything and make it escalate. why should CG care what she does at this point. He's resigned to the divorce!

 

SHE'S FIRED!

 

LOL.

[seibert253]

I'll do my best to answer your post based on what I remember.

 

If I recall, the basis of your post was to realize that there's s reason that marriages fail and there's generally fault on both sides. Further you encorage me to "look in the mirror" at those issuses.

 

Before I say my piece, let me preface with letting you know a bit about myself: I'm what you would call an "under the hood" type of guy. I'm a tinkerer; a fixer, like many men. Understanding how/why things function or disfunction both fascinates and motivates me.

 

Now let's rewind to the second week after D Day. This was before I confirmed the affair and fronted my STBX with evidence; this was before she ran out on me for 3 weeks.

 

I went into hyperdrive and read about three books and every article I could get my hands on, online, that remotely resembled how a person in my situation could repair their situation. I looked inward immediatly, because I thought I truely was the problem. When we had a serious heart to heart she said she knows I love her but she felt neglected, and boxed in within the confines of the marriage and also like we weren't doing enough new stuff, more exciting stuff that involved more risk.

 

It's true that the vacations we'd go on were pretty safe bets and we didn't go partying every weekend. With regard to neglect, our communication wasn't the best, as I would often ask her what she wanted to do and she could never decide unless I presented options. Her common response would be "I'm not sure, but let's do something fun." In light of what I learned in books and articles, which focused primarily on meeting your partners emotional needs, I figured perhaps I wasn't meeting her need for affection or communication or what have you.

 

After I brought up things I thought would help and she would shoot them down, I suggested counseling for us - which she also shot down. I figured something had to be wrong and I later confirmed the affair. Now don't get me wrong, I agree with the premise that affairs are usually a symptom of a bigger problem but I submit to you that the problem is with her; and therefore my power to help her is handcuffed at best.

 

For weeks I tried to blow the fog of her affair out of her face and reconcile, but I I'm not so naive anymore. There's not a damn thing I can do about her problems at this point. After I became depressed I decided IC would help and we explored my contribution - I ceased over functioning, which I learned to do since I was a kid. I did EVERYTHING in our relationship cause when she was happy, I was. According to my shrink she's an underfunctioning personality - a borderline NPD taker if you will. And I was any narssist's dream - an over functioning man in love. She was spoiled with my time and energy. When all that stops and such a person begins to function normally (as I did) it is generally perceived by the underfunctioning party as disinterest or neglect.

 

Even if that wasn't the dynamic, my expectation was that we could talk to each other about anything, including ways to change up the M in a way that was most satisfying to her. She used to do that. This time she fronted like all was well when it wasn't. She was getting attention elsewhere, liked it and withdrew from allowing me to meet those needs. As cliche as it sounds communication really is the key and I wasn't allowed in. This was past the danger point though, the affair was on.

 

If I could pin point one thing about me it's that I would often listen to her and her issues with the intent to fix. Sometimes shed say she didn't want me fix, but just to listen to her - she would just wanna vent sometimes. When she told me it was great. Often I'd ask "babe do u need me to just listen or would u like my advice/input?" shed say which and I'd do one or the other.

 

She had a lot of flaws that I looked past or compromised with cause I knew what I married. I wouldn't have cheated on her. She did on me. When I look at my contribution to the poor parts of our M, they're dwarfed by the acts she pulled off... It's no contest. Guys aren't mind readers and if she wasn't telling me what she really needed, instead of saying it was all great, perhaps things couldve been different. But that was the past.

 

I've already come to grips that I can't change what happened then. We all operate in the present, in real time. Today, thanks to 7 weeks of IC, I know myself better than ever and I'll be wary of those quirks of mine that could sour a relationship. Sure I had a few. I admit.

 

However, all along the way, every step of the way my STBX was in control. She decided kissing him was okay; she decided dinner dates were okay; she decided taking off her underwear and sleeping with him was okay; she decided destroying our M was okay... Symptom of a bigger issue it may be; but Fu*k that sh*t...

 

I can and will do better. She's fired, forever.

With respect my contributions were the equivalent of a bucket of ice cubes dropped in the ocean; hers were Fu*ckin' glaciers...

 

Wow CG. With response to the "look in mirror", after reading this one would be hard pressed to say you didn't do this, and gave it your all.

Hat's off for giving it a good shot.

 

It's really gonna be a shame when later on down the road she realizes what she threw away, but that's her problem.

 

Better ones are out there my man. Go get yours.

 

Peace,

[hopesndreams]

I'll do my best to answer your post based on what I remember.

 

If I recall, the basis of your post was to realize that there's s reason that marriages fail and there's generally fault on both sides. Further you encorage me to "look in the mirror" at those issuses.

 

Before I say my piece, let me preface with letting you know a bit about myself: I'm what you would call an "under the hood" type of guy. I'm a tinkerer; a fixer, like many men. Understanding how/why things function or disfunction both fascinates and motivates me.

 

Now let's rewind to the second week after D Day. This was before I confirmed the affair and fronted my STBX with evidence; this was before she ran out on me for 3 weeks.

 

I went into hyperdrive and read about three books and every article I could get my hands on, online, that remotely resembled how a person in my situation could repair their situation. I looked inward immediatly, because I thought I truely was the problem. When we had a serious heart to heart she said she knows I love her but she felt neglected, and boxed in within the confines of the marriage and also like we weren't doing enough new stuff, more exciting stuff that involved more risk.

 

It's true that the vacations we'd go on were pretty safe bets and we didn't go partying every weekend. With regard to neglect, our communication wasn't the best, as I would often ask her what she wanted to do and she could never decide unless I presented options. Her common response would be "I'm not sure, but let's do something fun." In light of what I learned in books and articles, which focused primarily on meeting your partners emotional needs, I figured perhaps I wasn't meeting her need for affection or communication or what have you.

 

After I brought up things I thought would help and she would shoot them down, I suggested counseling for us - which she also shot down. I figured something had to be wrong and I later confirmed the affair. Now don't get me wrong, I agree with the premise that affairs are usually a symptom of a bigger problem but I submit to you that the problem is with her; and therefore my power to help her is handcuffed at best.

 

For weeks I tried to blow the fog of her affair out of her face and reconcile, but I I'm not so naive anymore. There's not a damn thing I can do about her problems at this point. After I became depressed I decided IC would help and we explored my contribution - I ceased over functioning, which I learned to do since I was a kid. I did EVERYTHING in our relationship cause when she was happy, I was. According to my shrink she's an underfunctioning personality - a borderline NPD taker if you will. And I was any narssist's dream - an over functioning man in love. She was spoiled with my time and energy. When all that stops and such a person begins to function normally (as I did) it is generally perceived by the underfunctioning party as disinterest or neglect.

 

Even if that wasn't the dynamic, my expectation was that we could talk to each other about anything, including ways to change up the M in a way that was most satisfying to her. She used to do that. This time she fronted like all was well when it wasn't. She was getting attention elsewhere, liked it and withdrew from allowing me to meet those needs. As cliche as it sounds communication really is the key and I wasn't allowed in. This was past the danger point though, the affair was on.

 

If I could pin point one thing about me it's that I would often listen to her and her issues with the intent to fix. Sometimes shed say she didn't want me fix, but just to listen to her - she would just wanna vent sometimes. When she told me it was great. Often I'd ask "babe do u need me to just listen or would u like my advice/input?" shed say which and I'd do one or the other.

 

She had a lot of flaws that I looked past or compromised with cause I knew what I married. I wouldn't have cheated on her. She did on me. When I look at my contribution to the poor parts of our M, they're dwarfed by the acts she pulled off... It's no contest. Guys aren't mind readers and if she wasn't telling me what she really needed, instead of saying it was all great, perhaps things couldve been different. But that was the past.

 

I've already come to grips that I can't change what happened then. We all operate in the present, in real time. Today, thanks to 7 weeks of IC, I know myself better than ever and I'll be wary of those quirks of mine that could sour a relationship. Sure I had a few. I admit.

 

However, all along the way, every step of the way my STBX was in control. She decided kissing him was okay; she decided dinner dates were okay; she decided taking off her underwear and sleeping with him was okay; she decided destroying our M was okay... Symptom of a bigger issue it may be; but Fu*k that sh*t...

 

I can and will do better. She's fired, forever.

With respect my contributions were the equivalent of a bucket of ice cubes dropped in the ocean; hers were Fu*ckin' glaciers...

 

Thank you for this post. The bolded part hit home with me personally.

 

You have a great future ahead of you.

[aerogurl87]

ConflictedGuy27 I've been following this thread and I'm glad that you're doing better and being strong. Guys like you are rare nowadays and you seem like a good, no, a GREAT man. One day you will meet another woman who will put as much love and work into a relationship with you as you put into your marriage.

[Kenyth]

From a person who went through it as well.

 

Come to terms with this. Your marriage is dead. You are grieving and not moving on. The beautiful, living, breathing marriage you are remembering is now a stinking putrified corpse in your bed. It will never be the same again. You can't get it back. You need to accept that it is dead, bury it, and move on. Nobody is saying it will be easy or painless, but at least it will be progress.

 

You need to learn to let go of the snake that's biting you. This is past having an affair. This is shameless and total disrespect for you. Completely using someone. There is no way this woman will ever respect you anymore. It has gone too far and she doesn't have the capacity for it anyway.

 

You're chasing a sewage truck looking for honey. It's insanity, which is understandable when you're in love, but you need to realize it's insanity and rely on the logical part of your mind to get through this.

 

If she won't leave, you need to. The fact that she likes to stay out late screwing her new boyfriend can actually be of service to you. Pack it up, move it out, cancel the rent and utilities by the end of the month and let her take care of the details when she finally comes home to wash off the residue of the evenings activities.

 

BTW, I am not trying to be cruel. I am trying to work up a little of your anger to replace the despair. You'll need that righteous anger to help you do what needs doing, like leaving. As long as you don't have kids, you can sweep this nasty little overgrown petri dish out the door for good. I wasn't so lucky.

 

BTW, don't feel bad about relaying your experiences to whomever cares to listen. Affairs hate publicity, particularly when family is involved.

[bestplayer]

From a person who went through it as well.

 

Come to terms with this. Your marriage is dead. You are grieving and not moving on. The beautiful, living, breathing marriage you are remembering is now a stinking putrified corpse in your bed. It will never be the same again. You can't get it back. You need to accept that it is dead, bury it, and move on. Nobody is saying it will be easy or painless, but at least it will be progress.

 

You need to learn to let go of the snake that's biting you. This is past having an affair. This is shameless and total disrespect for you. Completely using someone. There is no way this woman will ever respect you anymore. It has gone too far and she doesn't have the capacity for it anyway.

 

You're chasing a sewage truck looking for honey. It's insanity, which is understandable when you're in love, but you need to realize it's insanity and rely on the logical part of your mind to get through this.

 

If she won't leave, you need to. The fact that she likes to stay out late screwing her new boyfriend can actually be of service to you. Pack it up, move it out, cancel the rent and utilities by the end of the month and let her take care of the details when she finally comes home to wash off the residue of the evenings activities.

 

BTW, I am not trying to be cruel. I am trying to work up a little of your anger to replace the despair. You'll need that righteous anger to help you do what needs doing, like leaving. As long as you don't have kids, you can sweep this nasty little overgrown petri dish out the door for good. I wasn't so lucky.

 

BTW, don't feel bad about relaying your experiences to whomever cares to listen. Affairs hate publicity, particularly when family is involved.

 

great advice Kenyth , but I think op is already done with his wife & in fact he doesn't want get her back . So he is not chasing any truck .I am telling u in case u dont know.

[ConflictedGuy27]

great advice Kenyth , but I think op is already done with his wife & in fact he doesn't want get her back . So he is not chasing any truck .I am telling u in case u dont know.

 

Excellent advice Ken; where were you 3 weeks ago buddy?

 

I'm glad to say Best is right about me - hear me loud n clear when I saw Fu*k my STBX. I'm pretty good at cursing her name with monotone indifference, now days.

 

I'm even seeing disrespect where I wasn't before and behaiving accordingly. For example, I get home last night and WTF is sitting on my bedroom floor - her night bag that she totes to her BF's pad... I said to myself, "this bit*h has ZERO morals". Fu*k that sh*t, I tossed her bag and her skanky dirty clothes in the hall... Lol.

 

I'll be moving next week. I'll be signing my new place this weekend. Can't wait.

[Ms. Red]

Excellent advice Ken; where were you 3 weeks ago buddy?

 

This is what happens when someone reads the original post & thinks things haven't changed even after over 300 replies and 3 1/2 weeks.

 

I'm glad to say Best is right about me - hear me loud n clear when I saw Fu*k my STBX. I'm pretty good at cursing her name with monotone indifference, now days.

 

I'm even seeing disrespect where I wasn't before and behaiving accordingly. For example, I get home last night and WTF is sitting on my bedroom floor - her night bag that she totes to her BF's pad... I said to myself, "this bit*h has ZERO morals". Fu*k that sh*t, I tossed her bag and her skanky dirty clothes in the hall... Lol.

 

I'll be moving next week. I'll be signing my new place this weekend. Can't wait.

 

Good for you! You really should try to move out all at once when she is gone. Don't forget household staples like dishes, towels, etc. to get started.

 

You should try to get one of those female friends to help you set up. We love to do that kinda thing for our buddy's.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Maybe you can pout a Stripper pole in your new place for some new FRIENDS of yours. lol.

 

I would have threw the bag out in the hallway too. Why does she still have a key? matter of fact im glad your moving out. that way there wont be a problem for you not being around her. It is disrespectful. Blatant and gross disrespect. Why is it in your face? WTF is her issue!?

[Ms. Red]

Maybe you can pout [put] a Stripper pole in your new place for some new FRIENDS of yours. lol.

 

I would have threw the bag out in the hallway too. Why does she still have a key? matter of fact im glad your moving out. that way there wont be a problem for you not being around her. It is disrespectful. Blatant and gross disrespect. Why is it in your face? WTF is her issue!?

 

 

I hope this wasn't directed at my comment of how we females like to help our male buddy's!

 

I've had more male friends than female friends in my life. I always like to help them & give them the female touch on anything they need in their life as a platonic friend.

[on1wheel]

I'll do my best to answer your post based on what I remember.

 

If I recall, the basis of your post was to realize that there's s reason that marriages fail and there's generally fault on both sides. Further you encorage me to "look in the mirror" at those issuses.

 

Before I say my piece, let me preface with letting you know a bit about myself: I'm what you would call an "under the hood" type of guy. I'm a tinkerer; a fixer, like many men. Understanding how/why things function or disfunction both fascinates and motivates me.

 

Now let's rewind to the second week after D Day. This was before I confirmed the affair and fronted my STBX with evidence; this was before she ran out on me for 3 weeks.

 

I went into hyperdrive and read about three books and every article I could get my hands on, online, that remotely resembled how a person in my situation could repair their situation. I looked inward immediatly, because I thought I truely was the problem. When we had a serious heart to heart she said she knows I love her but she felt neglected, and boxed in within the confines of the marriage and also like we weren't doing enough new stuff, more exciting stuff that involved more risk.

 

It's true that the vacations we'd go on were pretty safe bets and we didn't go partying every weekend. With regard to neglect, our communication wasn't the best, as I would often ask her what she wanted to do and she could never decide unless I presented options. Her common response would be "I'm not sure, but let's do something fun." In light of what I learned in books and articles, which focused primarily on meeting your partners emotional needs, I figured perhaps I wasn't meeting her need for affection or communication or what have you.

 

After I brought up things I thought would help and she would shoot them down, I suggested counseling for us - which she also shot down. I figured something had to be wrong and I later confirmed the affair. Now don't get me wrong, I agree with the premise that affairs are usually a symptom of a bigger problem but I submit to you that the problem is with her; and therefore my power to help her is handcuffed at best.

 

For weeks I tried to blow the fog of her affair out of her face and reconcile, but I I'm not so naive anymore. There's not a damn thing I can do about her problems at this point. After I became depressed I decided IC would help and we explored my contribution - I ceased over functioning, which I learned to do since I was a kid. I did EVERYTHING in our relationship cause when she was happy, I was. According to my shrink she's an underfunctioning personality - a borderline NPD taker if you will. And I was any narssist's dream - an over functioning man in love. She was spoiled with my time and energy. When all that stops and such a person begins to function normally (as I did) it is generally perceived by the underfunctioning party as disinterest or neglect.

 

Even if that wasn't the dynamic, my expectation was that we could talk to each other about anything, including ways to change up the M in a way that was most satisfying to her. She used to do that. This time she fronted like all was well when it wasn't. She was getting attention elsewhere, liked it and withdrew from allowing me to meet those needs. As cliche as it sounds communication really is the key and I wasn't allowed in. This was past the danger point though, the affair was on.

 

If I could pin point one thing about me it's that I would often listen to her and her issues with the intent to fix. Sometimes shed say she didn't want me fix, but just to listen to her - she would just wanna vent sometimes. When she told me it was great. Often I'd ask "babe do u need me to just listen or would u like my advice/input?" shed say which and I'd do one or the other.

 

She had a lot of flaws that I looked past or compromised with cause I knew what I married. I wouldn't have cheated on her. She did on me. When I look at my contribution to the poor parts of our M, they're dwarfed by the acts she pulled off... It's no contest. Guys aren't mind readers and if she wasn't telling me what she really needed, instead of saying it was all great, perhaps things couldve been different. But that was the past.

 

I've already come to grips that I can't change what happened then. We all operate in the present, in real time. Today, thanks to 7 weeks of IC, I know myself better than ever and I'll be wary of those quirks of mine that could sour a relationship. Sure I had a few. I admit.

 

However, all along the way, every step of the way my STBX was in control. She decided kissing him was okay; she decided dinner dates were okay; she decided taking off her underwear and sleeping with him was okay; she decided destroying our M was okay... Symptom of a bigger issue it may be; but Fu*k that sh*t...

 

I can and will do better. She's fired, forever.

With respect my contributions were the equivalent of a bucket of ice cubes dropped in the ocean; hers were Fu*ckin' glaciers...

 

OK, having read the 411 since the beginning, having added my 2 cents worth as a man who was in your shoes 2+ yrs ago, I will say that you must pick & choose those opinions that are actually going to help you CG (it's always funny for me to write that as CG are my innitials in the real world...lol)

To have someone tell you to look in the mirror when assesing blame is the equivalent to a kick in the nuts after you finally get up after falling down. Of course we all could do more in a marriage & none of us are perfect, we could always do more, but there is NEVER any excuse to cheat...EVER. If you're that unhappy then leave; like an adult would.

Cheating is the most selfish & hurtful thing you can do. To someone that you swore to love, respect bla, bla, bla...til' death do you part.

Anyway, I'm getting upset again & off topic from what I wanted to say. From what you have written, you have done everything you could have done to try & save your marriage, but since she is the one that CHOSE to lie, commit lewd adulterous acts & abandon all her vows; well you couldn't fix it on ur own,

But I am glad that you have drawn a line in the sand & said "enough; I am done with you forever". Because let me tell you, (as someone that stayed with his W after an affair for the sake of a baby)you never forget what you know, you never forget what they've done, you never love them the same & you're always wondering when it's gonna happen again. My experience with my wife is nothing like yours, as your W is an evil creature with no soul, but it was still a betrayal.

If I had no children with her (as you don't) I would have left IMMEDIATELY & never spoke to her again. That why I tell you 100% NC is the only way to heal. I had a fiance that cheated as well & I walked out on her 4 mths prior to the wedding & haven't spoken to her in a decade...not that she hasn't tried many times over the years. My point is that I got over her betrayal, learned from it & moved forward. What I have now is a feeling of being stuck in the middle of a perpetually dark & stormy cloud...never to truly see the sun in all it's glory ever again. A tad mellow dramatic, but I think U get the idea via the imagery.

Don't ever take her back, as while my wife stopped the A immediately & has done everything possible to try & make it up to me, yours has done nothing but continue to do whatever the Hell she wants, with whoever she wants. That is not someone that will ever put someone else's needs ahead of her own. She is F'd up & has more issues that you have time/money to have worked on in MC. You WILL find a better woman, no matter how hot your STBX is. I would need you to send me pics to verify of course; just kidding.

Seriously though, what is going through her mind, what will go through her mind later, whether she will regret what she did to you; none of that should matter to you.

You are gonna have to learn to live w/o her in your life, (as hard as that sounds now) so start with no longer wondering any of these things that you will never know anyway.

Again, I personally wish you well & don't mind saying I am envious that once she's out of your life you won't have to think about the horrible that she did to you...cheers.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I hope this wasn't directed at my comment of how we females like to help our male buddy's!

 

I've had more male friends than female friends in my life. I always like to help them & give them the female touch on anything they need in their life as a platonic friend.

 

 

I'm just saying in general! i could use friends like you! lol.

[jmargel]

I appreciate your post CG and it allows us to get a better sense of where you are coming from.

 

However, all along the way, every step of the way my STBX was in control.

 

Because you allowed it. Whether you realized this or not. When you allow someone to control you like this, they start to disrespect you. They become too comfortable in the situation to the point where they take you for granted.

 

Now that being said, those are problems that can be fixed by her if she wants to fix them. Good chance this came from situations that involved her childhood/parents, etc.. If she is willing to get help there is a good chance she would be the person you need her to be. However whether or not there is 'too much water under the bridge' is your decision.

 

I know where you are coming from in your situation because I was there. Still there now in some ways. Between her issues and her age this was a recipe for what's happened. However you didn't know that at the time.

 

Thing is, she's not a bad person. She's made bad choices. There's a difference. When she learns how to make better decisions and to deal with situations then she would be the person ready for marriage again. Look ahead five years from now, if she got the counseling and the help she needs and has better herself is that a woman you want to see married to someone else?

 

One bad decision doesn't make a person. With your roll in this it sounded like you were trying to be both a husband and a counselor. You can't, it doesn't work. Often times when you do that the spouse becomes even more disrespectful because they only want to hear what they want to hear. And you as a counselor won't give that to them.

 

That's why I say when she made these choices she didn't do it to hurt you. Her feeling neglected should be something you should pick up on. Next time you talk to her, ask her about this. Ask her for examples. When she tells you, bite your tongue and don't try to debate back. These aren't valid reasons for her to cheat but if you just say 'I understand' and let her continue to talk you will find more answers in all of this.

 

Eventually you will get past this stage of anger, upsetment, betrayal. Don't focus on that too much. I let that happen to me and it put me into a depression.

 

Divorcing her is not going to make her 'see the light'. All it will do is make her feel even more 'neglected'. She is looking to fill a void in her life from outside sources and until she realizes that won't work she is only going to put herself into worse situations. All I am saying is that you still do love her, you still do care about her, she is still your wife. With that being said perhaps the best thing you can do is encourage her to goto counseling and actually let her read some of these posts.

Edited March 25, 2010 by jmargel

[bestplayer]

Excellent advice Ken; where were you 3 weeks ago buddy?

 

I'm glad to say Best is right about me - hear me loud n clear when I saw Fu*k my STBX. I'm pretty good at cursing her name with monotone indifference, now days.

 

I'm even seeing disrespect where I wasn't before and behaiving accordingly. For example, I get home last night and WTF is sitting on my bedroom floor - her night bag that she totes to her BF's pad... I said to myself, "this bit*h has ZERO morals". Fu*k that sh*t, I tossed her bag and her skanky dirty clothes in the hall... Lol.

 

I'll be moving next week. I'll be signing my new place this weekend. Can't wait.

 

 

 

ConflictedGuy27 , sorry I couldn't understand the this sentence ... " she totes to her BF's pad... "

what the hell that means ?

[stillafool]

You're chasing a sewage truck looking for honey.

 

 

:lmao:This is classic! I'll have to use this.

[stillafool]

Maybe you can pout a Stripper pole in your new place for some new FRIENDS of yours. lol.

 

I would have threw the bag out in the hallway too. Why does she still have a key? matter of fact im glad your moving out. that way there wont be a problem for you not being around her. It is disrespectful. Blatant and gross disrespect. Why is it in your face? WTF is her issue!?

 

 

This is what I don't understand. WTF us wrong with her? Doesn't she have any common compassion for people? She sounds like a narcissist.

[stillafool]

ConflictedGuy27 , sorry I couldn't understand the this sentence ... " she totes to her BF's pad... "

what the hell that means ?

 

He is talking about an overnight bag that she carries back and forth to her boyfriend's house. His wife had the actual nerve to leave it sitting on CG's bedroom floor.

[stillafool]

Good for you CG. I am so glad you will be moving out and moving on soon. How do your parents feel about what is happening and you in-laws, what are they saying?

[Kenyth]

This is what happens when someone reads the original post & thinks things haven't changed even after over 300 replies and 3 1/2 weeks.

 

Ummmmm................my bad....

 

 

Glad to hear you're getting a head of steam in this CG. One last word of advice. In most situations like this, once the BS leaves or is left, and the reality of the current relationship kicks in, they will be back. Many times, they find the "love" doesn't extend too far past the sex. Bedding someone is one thing, taking care of them and living with them is a whole different ball game. This is when you will have your hardest time saying no, but you'll have to find it in yourself to do so. You will likely be lonely and vulnerable and missing the relationship, but if you take her back, things will rapidly progress to the point they were, maybe even with another guy. You see, users like her will trade you a little sex and reconciliation fantasy for a little security while they try to set themselvees up again with someone they really want.

 

Living with your parents for a while may not be a bad thing. That fact will help deter any efforts she may make to work herself back into your life.

 

Perhaps you'll be lucky and she'll simply leave you alone for good. I sincerely hope so. Good luck and stay strong. Break any rose colored glasses you may have lying around.