How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[dreamingoftigers]

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE....

 

Really, what do you really owe her. She can take care of herself, let her find an internet cafe or call tech support

[Holding-On]

So get this, I get these calls emails and texts from my STBX saying (rather impolitely I might add - as no please or thank you's were used) she needs me to tell her the access code so she could do her work from home.

 

I'm out, first of all. Not to mention her work has nothing to do with the D or the refi so why should I care?

 

I mulled over the idea of emailing her the code but something seems off about that - it sends the wrong message.

 

I forget which person posted this but the phrase "nothing says Fu*k You like NC" really settled in with me. I feel that's what's appropraite. If she asked me for the code, or anything else, face to face I would love to say "Fu*k You... Doesn't your BF have wifi??" but instead I'm being cool and just avoiding contact.

 

What do u guys think? Should I help her out on this one?

It feels deep down like the WRONG thing to do. But I'm open to any commentary u guys have.

 

It is the wrong thing to do. For you in this situation. You need to start enforcing those clear, NC, boundaries. Moreover you need to start valuing and loving yourself more. Imagine you had a brother/friend who was in your shoes and after all the incredible disrespect his wife had put him through he posed this problem to you. What would you say?

 

I agree with the PP:

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE

Clearly she is on a desperate kick to be/or believes she is, the center of the known universe. You can really help her out spiritually by conveying otherwise.

[lostsunsets]

I guess she thought since she spread her legs for some guy and destroyed your marriage, you were going to be best of friends now. You know, sleep overs, day spas, that kind of stuff. Typical self centered cheater. I skrew you, you help me.

[Disintegration]

That's right, if it isn't D related you don't owe it to her to help her at all. She'd better start getting used to dealing with things on her own. These are the consequences for her actions. Do not reply to her in any fashion.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you have to reply, jut let her know you were busy on a date so you didn't have time to respond. (just kidding)

[Ms. Red]

As I said earlier in the thread:

If it has nothing to do with the "business" of divorce then give her the "no response" response.

 

If she confronts you to your face then a one liner response is good: "It's just business between you & I from here on out."

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

I can't get over her comment here:

 

Exact words: "Id call you up and apologise; we could try it again". I said, I probably wouldn't take that call.

 

 

I can't believe she even said that to you. That blatantly tells you that she is not sorry now. That one line you told us she said to you has bugged me more than anything else she has said to you through all this.

 

The last thing you should care about is if she can access her work on the puter.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Thanks for the support. I didn't tell her anything at all. I wanted to take a nap for a bit before heading out this evening and she was at the condo. I managed to slip in without incident; didn't see her at all

 

This is how I should've been acting since D day. Although she probably would've came back, in response to being so hard lined.

 

It's clear how little she respects me, cause I'm 100% convinced she thought Id respond to her DEMAND for help. If she actually requested my help while minding her P's & Q's she MAY have received a lil help.

 

She's so far gone. How messed up/disrespectful she Is, is really all in the details.

[stillafool]

You were absolutely correct in ignoring her request for help. She is just going to have to see what it is like not having you to depend on. I hope her new man likes jumping through hoops, chances are he won't and then she will start to see what she lost. Nothing kills the "hots" like an undependable guy.

[Kenyth]

I guess she thought since she spread her legs for some guy and destroyed your marriage, you were going to be best of friends now. You know, sleep overs, day spas, that kind of stuff. Typical self centered cheater. I skrew you, you help me.

 

 

 

 

Seriously though, people like this didn't want a husband to begin with, they wanted a surrogate parent to care for them while they run around and play teenager. It's really weird. A strange sense of entitlement. Like they really don't get that they are responsible for themselves.

[eddie_d_2000]

Thanks for the support. I didn't tell her anything at all. I wanted to take a nap for a bit before heading out this evening and she was at the condo. I managed to slip in without incident; didn't see her at all

 

This is how I should've been acting since D day. Although she probably would've came back, in response to being so hard lined.

 

It's clear how little she respects me, cause I'm 100% convinced she thought Id respond to her DEMAND for help. If she actually requested my help while minding her P's & Q's she MAY have received a lil help.

 

She's so far gone. How messed up/disrespectful she Is, is really all in the details.

 

I am sorry to read about your story, obviously she hasn't reached that level of maturity that you have. You are doing the right thing, you have given her every chance in the world cause you truly love her, if she can't see how this hurts you and continues to do this crap and doesn't seem to show a lick of remorse then leave is all you can do. At least you don't have any kids involved like I do, it makes it twice as hard to let go, you don't want to put the kids through it. Just keep your head up, it sounds like you got some good things going with some other women, if you stay involved and date around the right woman will show up and you will look on this past and laugh.

[ConflictedGuy27]

 

 

 

Seriously though, people like this didn't want a husband to begin with, they wanted a surrogate parent to care for them while they run around and play teenager. It's really weird. A strange sense of entitlement. Like they really don't get that they are responsible for themselves.

 

Your post is very accurate in my opinion. Well put. When I recall her behavior during the M, there was a lot that I would do that was rarely reciprocated.

 

By default she's always been a taker. Happily married women WANT to give cause they want their H's to be happy. Happily married H's then reciprocate beyond the initial thing given.

 

Developmentally I'd say my STBX just hit 21.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I am sorry to read about your story, obviously she hasn't reached that level of maturity that you have. You are doing the right thing, you have given her every chance in the world cause you truly love her, if she can't see how this hurts you and continues to do this crap and doesn't seem to show a lick of remorse then leave is all you can do. At least you don't have any kids involved like I do, it makes it twice as hard to let go, you don't want to put the kids through it. Just keep your head up, it sounds like you got some good things going with some other women, if you stay involved and date around the right woman will show up and you will look on this past and laugh.

 

I look forward to the day I'll look back on this and laugh.

Again, I don't plan on starting up a romantic relationship until the D is final, I'm fully moved away and healed from this.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

 

 

Seriously though, people like this didn't want a husband to begin with, they wanted a surrogate parent to care for them while they run around and play teenager. It's really weird. A strange sense of entitlement. Like they really don't get that they are responsible for themselves.

 

 

That's it! Thank you.

 

sorry to thread jack but that explains my husband completely. He has literally been acting like he is twelve. Running away, lying, throwing temper tantrums. My goodness I have an out-of-control child!

[dreamingoftigers]

Your post is very accurate in my opinion. Well put. When I recall her behavior during the M, there was a lot that I would do that was rarely reciprocated.

 

By default she's always been a taker. Happily married women WANT to give cause they want their H's to be happy. Happily married H's then reciprocate beyond the initial thing given.

 

Developmentally I'd say my STBX just hit 21.

 

 

Hun, I'd say she may be about 14-15.

[jmargel]

CG,

 

I've been reading your posts and one of things I would like to give my opinion on, is that you are making some very fast decisions while you are still in a crisis.

 

Making decisions based on emotions is the wrong thing to do. There is always some form of regret involved. I'm not saying to not divorce but IMO I think you are pushing this very fast. You have a one track mind and I believe others on here are fueling this fire.

 

In my experiences I found out that by making decisions after the crisis is over is the best method. To make decisions with a clear mind, a mind that is not filled with resentment and anger.

 

The divorce is not going to stop the pain from what happened to you. You are focusing on that way too much. You need to find a better way in dealing with that. Your 'STBX' is not your enemy, she is still your wife (for now). Use this time to actually try to talk and communicate with her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Jmarg? WTF are you talking about? His STBX is still actively involved in the affair!

 

What the F is there to talk about? There's nothing to discuss. as a BS he has every right to divorce her. Whether he's in an emotional frame or not. She hasnt shown not one footstep towards ending the affair and recommitting, why the hell would he reconsider putting himself out there to only be hurt by the same woman?

 

WTF would he have to gain!?!?

 

That's a fool's errand! Look you may not understand this but CG is getting stronger everyday by moving on! He doesn't need to be married to her for him to love her again. The fact remains she's not out of the affair, there's nothing to talk about, besides they can always reunite later on down the line if they work towards it.

 

But im for one as I would tell a BS, if the affair's still going on and you aint got no damn kids, Divorce and forge ahead. Why should he put himself out there for a unremorseful woman? Why?

 

Because that whole logic isnt making any sense! Whatsoever!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Jmargel & Chrome, both solid posts above.

 

Regarding yours J, I see your point and your observation regarding my speed is spot on. In my more emotional state (I.e. 5 weeks ago) whenever I reached out and she burned me without remorse I'd retaliate by moving the D forward - a very "you want it, well YOU GOT IT!" type of attitude.

 

It felt good cause I'd always get some type of reaction outta her and frankly she deserved to be divorced from me.

 

Was I moving too fast? I asked myself the same question not long ago and thought I would slow things down a bit. I did, but I'm still on track to have papers signed and filed by mid April.

 

Fir the past 2.5 weeks I've been NC with her. If it had nothing to do with the D (in my opinion) or if I knew she could get certain info through 3rd parties I'd stay silent.

 

You should hear the tone in her voice messages now, she hates it. She was cheery and/or regretful sounding in the old voice messages when I was a doormat. But now, she's caught on, she cuts straight to the chase and doesn't lay some vocal tone intended to manipulate me.

 

Just this eve, I received a text from her asking if we could sit down and discuss "our" divorce, thanks. Lol, she said thanks... It's an improvement in respect because she specifically referenced that the talk would be about the divorce.

 

After ignoring several calls emails and txts that I deemed not relevant she's changed her approach. I told her it was late and I was busy but we can always discuss D matters. (I got no reply).

 

She's my wife still, yes. But she is off the charts wayward. Not to mention staying NC has helped me tremendously!

 

So now, to Chromes point: I won't be allowing any non divorce related communication. And when we communicate it's on my terms - priority: email, then phone, and if 100% necessary, face to face.

 

NC helps BS's regain their respect, strength and control. WS's responding to such regained control is merely a biproduct and doesn't change the facts if the matter - my wife betrayed me in the worse possible way.

 

I can't be her friend after what she's done. She's paying the piper on this one, damnit.

 

If there is any flaw in NC that I see, is that it's tough to tell when turn it off for those wishing to reconcile. As NC boosts you up and allows you to heal, sometimes ur more apt to say screw recon. Least that's how I feel.

 

I loved my STBX. I've been dreaming about her for the past few days and from time to time during my day, I think of her. But man, the facts are the facts. She's poison to me, therefore I can't stop being indifferent to her and I won't stop NC.

Edited March 31, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[Kenyth]

CG,

 

I've been reading your posts and one of things I would like to give my opinion on, is that you are making some very fast decisions while you are still in a crisis.

 

Making decisions based on emotions is the wrong thing to do. There is always some form of regret involved. I'm not saying to not divorce but IMO I think you are pushing this very fast. You have a one track mind and I believe others on here are fueling this fire.

 

In my experiences I found out that by making decisions after the crisis is over is the best method. To make decisions with a clear mind, a mind that is not filled with resentment and anger.

 

The divorce is not going to stop the pain from what happened to you. You are focusing on that way too much. You need to find a better way in dealing with that. Your 'STBX' is not your enemy, she is still your wife (for now). Use this time to actually try to talk and communicate with her.

 

J, you might want to read all the story in depth. This chick is a class act. She's really put him through hell and manipulation, and not expressed one smidge of regret. I don't know if I'd trust her with my laundry, much less my heart.

 

I restate my previous nugget of wisdom.

 

"Don't chase sewage trucks looking for honey."

[stillafool]

I think it is unrealistic to expect CG to continue chasing his wife when she is the one who broke up this marriage, lied, is still involved in the affair. He has tried the counseling, the talk, the patience, and even asked her once again what she wanted - she said a divorce. What else is he to do? Afterall, J CG is still her husband. Doesn't she owe him anything? He has done nothing but try to love her and she continues to screw the other man. You mentioned he paying for counseling for her, well I feel she should pay for a therapist for him after all the s---t she has put him through. I could understand CG putting the divorce on hold if his wife had shown some remorse, and begged for forgiveness then I too would say wait and get counseling. But for him to try to convince her to get out of the other man's bed and come back home to his is ridiculous. I swear she is lucky he didn't kick her ar--. Some guys would have shaken her like a rag doll. No at some point CG had to take control of his own life as she has clearly decided to do with hers.

 

 

CG what did she want to talk about regarding the divorce. Does she still want it?

[ConflictedGuy27]

CG what did she want to talk about regarding the divorce. Does she still want it?

 

She did not state specifically and that put me on guard so I texted back that D matters are fine to talk about, however i'm busy & it's getting late. I just left it at that.

 

Her actual MSG: "While I'm here at the condo, I'd like to sit down and talk to you regarding our divorce. Let me know if you're up for it. Thanks."

 

When I saw, "let me know if you're up for it" that didn't sound very business related. That sounded optional to me so I wasn't very compelled to lend my immediate attention.

 

It also digs under my skin a bit when she calls it "our" divorce. I won't even elaborate on that one.

 

As I type I get a call from her & I don't answer. She leave a very happily toned message telling me specifically which aspects of the D she wants to discuss and to let her know when I have time. Again, very polite voice with a thank you @ the end. Hmm...

 

She requested a phone call back. I'm wary because it's so easy to throw a curve ball over the phone.

 

Any advice/comments??

[stillafool]

Hmmm, if I were to read that message I would think she was feeling me out for a reconcile. Then, perhaps from the tone of your message she changed her tune. I don't know, to be honest with you your wife is the "queen of games" and I don't think she likes being "forgotten" so easily. It must way on her mind that you aren't running behind her pleading and begging; and she sees you are packing up and will be gone soon. She even confuses me and few people do in these situations. I think you can only sit down and talk to her, remain neutral, and find out WTF she is up to now. I guarantee you someone is advising her as we are you.

[stillafool]

Oh one other thing, when and if you do call her back. Be upbeat and cordial as well.

Edited March 31, 2010 by stillafool
change

[eddie_d_2000]

I will tell you one thing, it really sucks for us good guys to have to put up with this s--t, and then they get half, how is that for a kick in the junk!!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hmmm, if I were to read that message I would think she was feeling me out for a reconcile. Then, perhaps from the tone of your message she changed her tune. I don't know, to be honest with you your wife is the "queen of games" and I don't think she likes being "forgotten" so easily. It must way on her mind that you aren't running behind her pleading and begging; and she sees you are packing up and will be gone soon. She even confuses me and few people do in these situations. I think you can only sit down and talk to her, remain neutral, and find out WTF she is up to now. I guarantee you someone is advising her as we are you.

 

The queen of games indeed. She usually sleeps here when she rolls through, but not last night. She had an agenda and it most certainly involved me because after I blew her off she left for the night. I stayed 100% out of sight (I'm getting good at it).

 

Feeling me out for recon, perhaps, but I would only accept that premise under the assumption that her intent is to manipulate. Queen of games, afterall.

 

I will call her back and like you suggested I too will be indifferent, yet up beat.

The discussion will be on my terms as I'll try to be preparred for any curve balls.

[dreamingoftigers]

Like I said 14-15 years old, sounds very High School to me.