How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[ConflictedGuy27]

I guarantee you someone is advising her as we are you.

 

I agree she's being counselled. Considering how much mote time she's been spending over at OM's house, my hunch is he doesn't like the fact that "his" woman sleeps over at her husbands place, lol. I would suspect he's succumbing quite nicely to my STBX's manipulations; she is a master at manipulating certain types of men with particular vulnerabilities.

 

My hunch also is that when inside our places that we built together the reminders/guilt sets her back - like breaking NC does for BS's. She left some folded laundry of mine near my door and paid HOA dues with her own money (and informed me that she did so via email)...

 

If I didn't know better, I'd think she's indirectly trying to stop me from leaving... Why she continues to deposit her pay into out joint account floors me... I stopped a month ago. This girl is weird.

[stillafool]

If I didn't know better, I'd think she's indirectly trying to stop me from leaving... Why she continues to deposit her pay into out joint account floors me... I stopped a month ago. This girl is weird.

 

I can't understand why she sleeps at home anymore anyway if she is so in love and involved with this other guy. Why wouldn't she rather sleep in his bed rather than a sofa? Hmmmmm, she may realize that she has lost you and it's finally setting in. I think she keeps testing you to find out if you are really serious about the divorce or if you are still wanting her.

[stillafool]

Is she the type to admit when she is wrong? (God that sounds like a stupid question considering what I already know.) But, in the past was she that type?

[stillafool]

It seems more like she is using CG to make the OM jealous, but that's jmo. It's not like the OM KNOWS she is sleeping on the couch.

 

Hmmmm, I never thought about that. Something must have went wrong in paradise for her to sleep on the couch over the weekend. Didn't OM want her with him? Maybe not.

[Doing it Since '78]

I have heard the stories about my own STBX get treated like $hit by her OM and come back for more with a smile. A friend of mine works at her school, and not only is the OM a serious cock-hound (even openly admitted to all of her friends about her sucking him off on the balcony of his apartment), but they (OM and her new friends) have all began to joke her behind her back.

 

I find it beyond comical that the OM is the last hired/first fired janitor at the school, yet has come up and raised his stock value by stroking off the Lead teacher, and yet she cannot seem to see how her value has been sucked down the crapper.

 

When the OM sees her coming he tells everyone here comes my stalker, and other jokes that leaves her with egg on her face. And yet in still, day after day she is on facebook telling the world how much she loves him. And to make the whole thing more pathetic, I also hear that she has been dealing with another janitor at the school as well, who supposdley has herpes. I don't get it. Now could this lady be lying, maybe but at this point she has no reason to do so, as my STBXW's behavior has the other co-workers in disgust.

 

So safe to say she more than likely is trying to make her new OM jealous, or play games with him, since more than likely the kid has a girlfriend, or multiple chicks and she is just his weekend thing, and she has more than likely accepted that at this point, and even welcomes being treated like $hit, after all if she wanted to be treated with respect, and she had some herself, wouldn't she still be with you? And oh my, how great it would be if she was able to move up his female food chain, and be treated like his # 1 whore! What an accomplishment!

 

Also her moments on the couch could be period days, when their is no point (from the OM viewpoint) to them hooking up. Whatever you do bro, don't be a co-star in her drama, leave bro!

 

I hope this has something to do with your situation, but if not thanks for letting me share!

Edited March 31, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[ConflictedGuy27]

I didn't give much thought to the idea of my STBX using me and coming back here as a method for making her OM jealous. Could be; I wouldn't put it past her.

 

I debated whether or not I should call her, or just send a text or something agreeing to talk about divorce matters. Each time I looked at my phone to dial, I could already feel the double edged sword I was picking up.

 

I was just bracing myself for it because it never fails - every time I see her/ talk to her, I pay some emotional price for that interaction (although those prices have become much, much smaller since D Day).

 

So I call and I leave a message saying: "Hi, I got your message and we can talk about divorce matters, tonight. If its in fact stuff we need to handle over the phone, you can call between 7 and 8pm."

 

I was cordial, I was channeling the way the cashier at the grocery store would talk to anybody. I listened to the message and it sounded fine. Not much of an emotional draw took place really. I just can't wait till our business is complete because I much prefer NC as opposed to LC.

 

Later that hour I receive a response by text - "sorry i missed your call, I was in a meeting. 7 - 8 works for me. If you're available anytime earlier that would be great. Thanks." Okay, now there's an emotional draw. lol.

 

So i can get an apology for her not picking up the phone when I call, yet no fu*king apology in sight when she breaks her vows, destroys our M and continues an A w/ some other guy... She's loopy. Then she goes on to try to hijack my terms and see if we could take care of business when she's ready, not when I am...

 

My goodness. This is why I stay away from this woman. She doesn't see how absurd she is. Maybe I just read too much into it.

 

Oh well, the emotional draw was small. I might not even take that call tonight. After all I don't know what the exact questions are... But I suppose there will be a time for complete NC and that's after all the business is done.

 

I can only imagine what D is like when you have kids and shared custody... You will always have to deal with your ex. That's mind numbing.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Whatcha gonna do if she drops by the condo between 7 and 8 instead of calling? I can totally see her showing up.

 

It's a non issuse, we took care of it by phone and lemme just say, the NC affected the sh*t out of her... Yup.

 

While we were discussing an aspect of the refi she started crying...

 

I asked, are you crying? And she says yes, I'm crying cause I have a good family that's going to lend me money to pay closing costs, etc.

 

Yes, were talking about the same family that was "upset" that my STBX betrayed me. Hmmm... So they don't condone the act, yet they'll lend several thousand dollars to a family member that's voluntarily Fu*king another man who isn't her husband. Cool; now I know where I stand with them. Cough cough, I'm writing them off.

 

So I listen very very well as we were getting into the danger zone (non business zone) of the conversation. I have to admit, the tears have me intrigued.

 

Remember the wifi situation where she had to do her work? She offered that me not telling her the WEP key so she could have access made her feel so unwelcome (additionally she said she thought I was sabatoging her... Lol that code was changed way before D Day...) - she said she had to go to a Barnes & Noble to get her shot done.

 

She mentioned that she was crying at her sisters place when I blew her off the other night and said we could talk about D matters when I'm not busy.

 

I asked if she was sorry and she said she was sorry for crying on the phone... Lol. I asked are you sorry about all the sh*t you put me through? And she said of course. Then i asked, why are u sorry? She said, cause I know what I did was wrong. She followed up with a very fast BUT, I felt neglected and abandoned by you. Lol.

 

I said you felt abandoned?! You left for 3 weeks straight and you ran off with another man; if it was your plan to get revenge and make me feel abandoned then yeah, you succeeded - but I'm so over it now.

 

She said she still holds a thread of hope for us.

Then I mention what pissed me off about the while thing is how she never wanted to even look at our issues in MC.

 

I told her, I'm going way against my better judgement because I'm no longer 'in love' with you but you said you're still holding onto hope... Why are you doing that? I'm confused.

 

She explained that the way I've been acting, it seems were fast approaching the point of no return for us. And she holds this inkling of hope that we don't break up.

 

I told her that we can't be friends after it's all over, cause this isn't how you treat a friend. She agreed yet got a bit defensive and rehashed how she felt neglected by me well before her A, etc. I countered by noting her poor communication.

 

I then tell her you said you still miss me, care for me and are holding out hope, are you wanting to look at the issues in MC or do u want to finish out the D? She said, let's finish out the D.

 

She said a few other misc things like, I guess I have to

find a place to sleep tonight... And, I don't even feel welcome at my own home; don't you think I want to come home?

 

Lol. She's too much and while listening to her I could hear that it wasn't gonna work between us. She isn't owning her sh*t AT ALL. It's sad. I told her I don't love her, but I do love the woman I married, who no longer exists.

 

I said my piece tonight. I truley feel like I got closure even tho I broke NC. She did like 70% of the talking. I listened a lot and guided her speech to

areas I wanted info about. I had to give a bit to get a bit, but all in all I got my closure and understand that she and I are not a match. Plus, she's still in the fog, as much of what she was telling me was BS - I.e. I have no place to go tonight... (lol, how about ur BF's pad?!?!?!)

 

I exposed myself to emotional harm tonight but feel that I handled it well. I had no idea NC was terrorising her like it was. She'll no doubt sleep well tonight as I did disclose that I had feelings for her, although I clearly said I didn't love her.

 

It's full steam ahead on the D. My STBX really is bad for me. I dunno where I'll find my real woman, but boy, she ain't her.

 

That's my update. I'll be signing my lease this week for sure. I'm 110% done w/ her after tonight. I got my closure. I'll be sleeping good.

Edited April 1, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh, and I wouldn't feel too bad about the in-laws helping. What were they going to do really? And what would have happened if they didn't give her the money? No re-fi. Yes, they could have told her that it's her mess to clean up, but after all, she's their daughter.

And I imagine there was some manipulation going on as well.

I'm just saying don't take it too personally.

 

I agree, they may completely disagree with her actions but feel like it really isn't their place to condemn her either.

 

Can't believe she "holds out hope" and then says "finish off D." The two don't line up and she just wants you to feel bad over the sh-t she caused. Wants to pass the buck to you.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Didn't I tell you nothing says eff you like NC?!? See, it works!

I'm glad you got some closure. Some people (like me) really need it, some don't. Either way, I think you handled it well, and got the information you needed. The fact that she still blames you "for abandoning and neglecting" her just shows her character as someone weak who can't take responsibility for their own actions. That's on her, not you. You know that. Doesn't make it any less irritating, though, does it?

 

Yeah JT, knowing that she has these character flaws makes them any less irratating.

 

Talking to my Dad yesterday he helped me see that I really was taking pleasure in seeing/trying to provoke her suffering. I think he's right when he suggested that I let that all go...

 

I don't think I'll get any better closure than what I got last night; however it burns me up that at the end of the day she and her family will have my old home... I feel like she's benefitting undeservingly... I sometimes think of force selling it (which I have the power to do).

 

My father advised I let that sentiment go also and focus on my future. It's just a condo I suppose and I'm trying to get into a good law school next year so I may end up out of State even. Logically, letting her buy me out and walking away is my best bet - but I hate to see a cheater win...

 

This is clearly my next hurdle - letting go of wanting to see her "get hers". That's a tough one at the moment, but I'll be free once I'm over it.

 

Thanks for sticking through this whole ordeal with me.

I've truely appreciated each and every post.

[CarrieT]

This is clearly my next hurdle - letting go of wanting to see her "get hers". That's a tough one at the moment, but I'll be free once I'm over it.

 

Believe in Karma. Seriously.

 

Eventually, she will "get her's" as you will "get your's" -- although it might be years in the future and you won't be around to see it, just take solace in the fact that it all comes out in the wash at some point.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Can't believe she "holds out hope" and then says "finish off D." The two don't line up and she just wants you to feel bad over the sh-t she caused. Wants to pass the buck to you.

 

Well this was a textbook Exit Affair. I think that small piece of her holding out hope was totally overwhelmed by her actions. She intended to be as destructive as possible so that little piece of her holding on would have ZERO footing.

 

She suceeded in that regard. I told her that it's damn near impossible to come back from what she did; even if we were both willing - which neither of us truely are at this point.

 

I'm sure she'll feel that her "good girl" status has been restored after the D is final and I'm gone. Oh well, maybe that's just what the shrinks say.

[Disintegration]

I know we all admire the way you've handle this process. You've come so far, your original thread title of how to get your wife to stop seeing the OM to moving on with your life with dignity and self-worth. I know we're all proud of how far you've come.

 

I agree she will definitely get hers eventually whether you get to witness that or not.

 

Just count your blessings that you didn't find out about her ways when there was way more invested and with children. That would be difficult because she would have to remain in your life because of the kids. Now you can make a fresh start and take the lessons you've learned with you in the future.

[hopesndreams]

You are so wise.

 

I really hope you won't disappear later and you will help others seeking advice.

 

I have been getting so much from your posts. Thank you.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You are so wise.

 

I really hope you won't disappear later and you will help others seeking advice.

 

I have been getting so much from your posts. Thank you.

 

Thanks for following along and posting, Hopes.

Your words are kind, but probably overstated. I'm no wiseman; far from it actually. I'm just getting better at listening to the advise of those much wiser than myself.

 

I don't see myself leaving LS. I owe the LS community so I'll be sure to give back what I can spare.

 

Thanks again, Hopes. If I recall correctly you were one of the first ones that responded to my thread - I was a mess back then, geez.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Your Dad is totally right.

In regards to the condo- She may have won the battle, but you will win the war.

Try to take solace in the fact that you are getting out of a unhealthy relationship. What exactly is she winning, CG? So she got the condo; you got your freedom.

Looks to me like YOU won.

 

Thanks for saying this. These words totally lifted me up when I first read them.

Really made my morning, earlier today.

 

I feel like I know you JT. Lol. I'd certainly buy you a round if you were local, haha.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes be so glad there are no children. That is super-heartbreaking when there are kid involved.

 

You sound very level-headed, you shouldn't have too much trouble (after some IC and healing time) finding a nice girl who won't stray.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I know we all admire the way you've handle this process. You've come so far, your original thread title of how to get your wife to stop seeing the OM to moving on with your life with dignity and self-worth. I know we're all proud of how far you've come.

 

I agree she will definitely get hers eventually whether you get to witness that or not.

 

Just count your blessings that you didn't find out about her ways when there was way more invested and with children. That would be difficult because she would have to remain in your life because of the kids. Now you can make a fresh start and take the lessons you've learned with you in the future.

 

I've particularly looked forward to your posts (and the other usual suspects like StampDaddy - I miss that guy).

 

Thanks for the words. I'll never forget these lessons learned. I'll be better in my next relationship if I choose the right woman.

 

Speaking of the right woman, I'm not sure if I mentioned but my counselor and I discussed what I initally found so attractive about being with a borderline narcissist taker. I won't get too far into that, but I will share that my counselor warned me that I may initally perceive a "normally functioning" woman as either:

 

1. Clingy; or

2. Smothering.

 

Since my type is an over functioning giver, I'm easily pleased by those who take what I have to give and express gratitude for it, not necessarily reciprocation - which is in fact why I give so much; in the hope that it's reciprocated. That is never the case w/ a borderline narcissist, they just take.

 

So I was warned because if I function as usual a normal woman that likes me may do one of two things (or some combination of the two): accept a large portion of the dates/activities I propose = clingy; and/or reciprocate waaaaay more than I'm used to seeing and propose dates/activities they think I would enjoy, or give gifts (which I'd rarely receive from my STBX) = smothering.

 

Seeing that these types are normal is something my counselor thinks I'll need time to internalize, which is why she says no dating for atleast 6 months. I just thought I'd share if anyone is in a simalar situation.

 

I'm working on holding up my end of that deal. I understand my counselor's rationale.

[Kenyth]

Thumbs up dude!

 

Don't look back. As long as you get out of the condo with no debt, you're doing well. Believe me, you've saved yourself a lot of needless suffering getting out of this marriage. You'll be back to dating in no time.

 

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." -The Eagles (Already Gone)

[Steadfast]

 

Since my type is an over functioning giver, I'm easily pleased by those who take what I have to give and express gratitude for it, not necessarily reciprocation - which is in fact why I give so much; in the hope that it's reciprocated. That is never the case w/ a borderline narcissist, they just take.

 

 

Those are powerful, insightful words CG. You've received good counseling. I've said this over and over (after hearing it) that when we search for answers as to why our relationship failed we discover us in the process.

 

And I can tell you, with experience learned over two years in that the taker rarely changes. They do express regret, pain, even love, but something always seems to keep them from changing. In my case (and perhaps yours) it's because they're attractive and there is always another willing guy. Can you imagine what happens to a person like this when the looks fade or age catches up? It's really true that beauty is only skin deep.

 

You have a wise father; a solid person in your corner is an asset. My dad was like that, but passed away soon after my marriage failed. You have so much going for you now, I can see. I'm happy for you. You still have some hurdles to clear, but if you continue on this path you WILL be fine. That's inspiring. You've done well-

Edited April 2, 2010 by Steadfast

[jmargel]

CG, your dad is right. You are too focused on trying to get back at her, to make her feel the way you do now. Thing is, you don't know if she feels as bad as you do. She has issues to resolve and so do you.

 

You need to push yourself out of the anger stage, making decisions in this stage is usually not good. That's what I mentioned in my previous post.

 

Basically what your situation came down to is:

 

1) She felt neglected, communication was poor between you two

2) She didn't know how to communicate or felt safe to talk to you

3) She had very poor judgement in filling this void with someone else

 

You are both young, and will continue to make mistakes. What you need to do is gain valuable information from all of this. Learn from it. How to do this? Listen to her, so you can help yourself.

 

By this, I mean think back long and hard at the what she said about being neglected. What you should have asked her was to give you examples because as a man myself what we think and what they think of being 'neglected' are two different things.

 

After I got out of my anger stage I listened to my ex and asked her for examples. When she told me, at first I wanted to debate the topic because the last thing I want to feel like is I was a disappointment. However, getting over my pride and realizing the things I didn't do with her and the snide/sarcastic comments I would make (jokingly) took an emotional toll on her. Her way of dealing with it was to withdrawl, because how can you talk to someone who says those things?

 

Was it a reason to cheat? No, however my ex and your stbx didn't cheat to hurt us. They didn't do it to get back at us. They did it because they felt they had nowhere else to go.

 

Look at it from her point of view. The guy she married, who was in love with her, the one who said his vows to her has now neglected her (remember this is what she feels, not what you perceive what she should feel). She didn't know how to deal with this situation and another guy took advantage of this. This OM knew how to approach his prey and knew the right things to say.

 

With all of this going on, it's a recipe for the cheating that has gone on. In order to help yourself move on you need to take responsibility for your behavior and the way you treated her. Women don't cheat just because they can, there is always some sort of reason for it. She's not trying to excuse her cheating because of the way she feels about the neglect, but perhaps you are thinking she's trying to do this.

 

That's what I mean by communication, you two still have alot of talking to do. One conversation is not going to be enough. You two need to have a face to face talk, calmly discussing all of this. During any point that you feel the situation is getting too tense, take a 15 minute break. Perhaps writing her a letter, telling her exactly how you feel and getting everything out in the open might help as well. Let her read it and then respond.

 

Can the marriage be saved? It sure can. It's just a matter of getting the communication between you two going in the right direction. Only then can you make a good judgement on what you want to do. For now, you are still acting on emotion.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Can the marriage be saved? It sure can. It's just a matter of getting the communication between you two going in the right direction. Only then can you make a good judgement on what you want to do. For now, you are still acting on emotion.

 

I'll have to respectfully disagree with you, when you say that my M can be saved, and there's three reasons why, my friend:

 

1. She's still in the fog of the A, has expressed no remorse and doesn't want to try to fix things between us;

 

2. I've become very indifferent towards the whole situation and feel I'd be better off alone than reunited with a woman who can pull this type of madness; &

 

3. I can never trust her again - matter of fact, I'd be a fool to after her actions...

 

It is what it is Jmarg. I'm not happy about it. Regarding our communication at this point, she'd pick up my phone call right now and speak with me for hours if I initiated. She loves the attention and power it gives her, so she'll welcome it.

 

The fact is, Jmarg, she's only my W on paper; she's the OM's girl friend. He's slept with her more this year than I have - and I don't just mean sexually (she rarely sleeps at our condo). She's made her choice, my friend, and I've made mine - to not stand around and pretend like things aren't what the are.

 

I've made the choice to move on without her. I am very pleased with the work my counselor and I did in my IC. I understand myself and (best of all) my (unhealthy) attraction to a woman like my STBX better than I ever have.

 

I'm okay being single. Being single does not mean being lonely, so I'm not afraid of it. My STBX's biggest fear is lonliness. She'll always keep men as boy friends out of her fear - that'll be her curse.

 

One last point: if I had access to a time machine, I'd much rather look forward to see so good my life is w/o my STBX and see what type of woman I end up with. That, as opposed to going back in time to advise my past self how to make an unhealthy relationship last longer than it did.

 

Don't get me wrong. She creeps into my thoughts and dreams a few times each day; however, there's no turning back, Jmarg.

 

I appreciate your post, buddy.

[ConflictedGuy27]

This makes me very happy.

 

Thanks JT, what I've learned makes me happy too (at $125/hr, there's nothing like getting your money's worth, lol. Seriously though, IC must be treated as work. You get out what you put in).

 

What I state in my above post is very true - its the path i'm on currently, but there are still some emotional bumps here and there.

 

On a different note, I read an interesting article over the weekend that was very helpful - it was regarding when you know you're ready for a new relationship.

 

The answer (which makes perfect sense to me) is that you're ready when you reach the point where you don't need one/aren't looking for one. When you're comfortable with you and who you are and don't need anyone to validate you, because you're all you need. This is usually when you look most attractive - i.e. meeting somebody cool in a hiking group that you joined, because YOU just felt like hiking, as a hobby.

 

If this is the benchmark, I'm so not ready for a relationship and Its nice to know what I'm shooting for.

 

Single life has been pretty cool these last few weekends. I've seen a lot of live music, read a lot in bookstores, went out to bars/restaurants I wanted to try, just because, and met some pretty cool new people in the process.

 

I'm beginning to see there's a lot of life after divorce. Its exciting.

[HiMyNameIsDaniii]

Hello ConflictedGuy27, I haven’t written here before, but I have read all the posts you and your buddies here have posted. Hate to sound like a little girl who goes on snooping on other people’s business, and I know this is none of my business, but I felt I had to comment once the end is near. The man who wrote the first post asking for help seems so much different than the man who you are now. I mean, damn you got on your knees literally begging her to stop the sh*t she was pulling and she says “Can I think about it?” At first you were willing to put it all behind you, and forgive her. Once she rejected that idea it was all on you. It’s a shame things had to go down this way, I mean it respectively of course, because this is the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

It’s pretty amazing how there are some people who have the will power to pull themselves out of this type of sh*t! I don’t know if it’s still too soon, which it probably is, but one day you will look back and admire yourself for how you handled this. It takes a very strong person to be willing to do this. On top of that, the person you seem to be today knows what to look for in the future, and what to avoid. Life brings you lessons, and it’s up to us to acknowledge them and never forget them. And one day when you have found a real woman who will value, respect, and stay faithful to you, you will have wondered what would have happened if you never found out.

Women admire strong, confident men and you sir, are just that! Haha anyways, it really isn’t about them right now, it’s got nothing to do with them, it’s got to do with you. Look at you now doing things for YOURSELF! Wow… you deserve a hand! Heck, a standing ovation!

Thank the one you usually thank that you don’t have any children, and that you are still 27. I mean because although this still hurts, you still have a whole life ahead of you with no ropes. Just like everyone here who had your support I wish you all the best in life, you deserve it hun. Time shall help you heal, time will always help you heal.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

— Marilyn Monroe

[jmargel]

I appreciate your reply, please know that I am not trying to get you to stop the divorce process. My role here isn't to tell you what to do. A good counselor won't tell you what to do, but allow you to see the situation at a different angle so that you can make a better decision for yourself.

 

What I am trying to get at here is that, first learn from the mistakes you made. She has made plenty, but you have to acknowledge the neglect you put into the marriage. You might not truly understand this, that's why I mention to ask her for examples. Women are hard to read and they often communicate in ways that we don't understand. Get as much as you can from her so you can benefit from it all in your future.

 

You are still an emotional wreck, this whole situation is only a few months old. Something like this takes alot longer to absorb and get through. Getting a divorce won't make her see the light, it won't make her feel the same hurt you are going through and it won't help you get through the hurt you have.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you are aiming for when pushing this divorce so fast. Is this the only way you can move on? Are you sure she is still with this guy? Don't assume you know all the facts. There still might be more to know about all of this.

 

As a side story, which involved one of my relatives.. She was married to the love of her life for over 30 years, had a daughter together and thought life was grand. A few years back they went on their dream vacation to Ireland. Unfortunetly about six months later he died right in front of her. She was crushed. She lost her best friend.

 

About two weeks after the funeral she found a small safe. Never knew it existed. After getting a locksmith to open it, what she saw inside changed her world forever. It was pictures of him and another woman (his mistress) and divorce papers signed by him. I am assuming the mistress was pushing him to leave his wife and he got them but never filed so that his wife wouldn't know and it would buy more time w/ the mistress (showing her he signed them, but his wife wouldn't).

 

She has no clue who this woman is and where she is at. They lived in NJ and he would goto NYC to see his 'brother' which ended up being the mistress. So all these questions she has will never get answered. She has to live with the feeling that her true love, cheated. How long did it go on? Were there others? etc..

 

So now she lives with this betrayal. There is nothing she can do to get any resolution out of it. However, you can. That's what I am aiming for with all of this. The only way you can truly move on and get closure is when you are honest with all aspects of the marriage, not just her cheating.

[jmargel]

Making sense of this situation and finding answers to all his questions is going to not only help him move on but to use this for his next relationship.

 

It's easy to say 'Well, she cheated, she's a whore, a cheat, etc..' then just sign the divorce papers. However that doesn't fix on whats going on with him emotionally.

 

It was easy for me to kick my ex out of the house when I found she cheated on me, however it was hard to get over her. It was because I didn't have any answers to 'why' it happened. For the first 6 months I had nothing but hatred for her and during those six months if you would've asked me why she did it, I would tell you she was a whore. However it wasn't until afterwards and I got over that anger stage that I really wanted to know why.

 

Most men are the type that if something happens we want to know why so we can minimize our chances of it happening again.

 

So with all that being said he should not only look at what she has done but what he has done as well. Though this is a bad situation there is an opportunity to take something positive from it.