How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[stillafool]

jmargel I don't know if you have read this entire post but CG did acknowledge what he did wrong in the marriage pages ago and to her. He has tried twice and she still stated "she wanted to go through with the divorce". Obviously, she is making plans with the other man. No, CG should be commended for his actions and attitude. CG would be selling his self waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay short if he took her skank butt back. He is only 27, no kids, intelligent, probably fine as hell. No, his future awaits him. Fly high CG, fly high.

[cooldudeinberlin]

hmmm... what Im going to say is going to hurt and somewhat be painful for you but its for your own good... if you were in front of me, I'd slap you once to knock you out of this hypnotic spell that you have let this woman put you under (and that's a major no, no, no, no!)

 

First, find your balls... how can you absolutely be a doormat to someone that doesnt respect you at all... and she doesnt 100%... if a woman doesnt respect a man, she will either treat him like dirt, have an affair and/or leave him... and it sounds like she is doing all 3.

 

more pain, but deal...

 

a woman can not feel love or sexual attraction (or any attraction) for a man she does not respect.

 

Be dignified, gentleman and calm... tell her she has two hours to pack and get out for good and that you guys need to separate as soon as possible.... and you need to do this for YOU.

 

The sooner you get in your head the better: THIS IS OVER... what she is doing to you and what you are allowing her to do to you is weak, sick and doing you a great deal of emotional harm. AND ITS YOUR DECISION.

 

Get your manhood back and stand tall... NEVER LET ANYONE in your life abuse you this way, especially someone who at one time claimed they loved you,etc.

 

Need help? Get counseling... rely on friends and family... get away from her and that situation ASAP... there is no rebuilding, there is hope... and even if she came crawling back, there is no way you would ever be able to trust her again and it would all creep back into your head.

 

Its over... you need to get away from her... take charge, be a man, be polite and do not say anything cruel or mean... and if she does, ignore her and break the conversation off.... control your emotions and know what you are doing will make you a stronger, more confident man (which sounds as if you are not or you would never have put yourself in this situation)....

 

There is nothing else to say.

[Trojan John]

Raise your virtual hand if you've actually read the entire thread. =P

 

*Handraise*

[stillafool]

hmmm... what Im going to say is going to hurt and somewhat be painful for you but its for your own good... if you were in front of me, I'd slap you once to knock you out of this hypnotic spell that you have let this woman put you under (and that's a major no, no, no, no!)

 

First, find your balls... how can you absolutely be a doormat to someone that doesnt respect you at all... and she doesnt 100%... if a woman doesnt respect a man, she will either treat him like dirt, have an affair and/or leave him... and it sounds like she is doing all 3.

 

more pain, but deal...

 

a woman can not feel love or sexual attraction (or any attraction) for a man she does not respect.

 

Be dignified, gentleman and calm... tell her she has two hours to pack and get out for good and that you guys need to separate as soon as possible.... and you need to do this for YOU.

 

The sooner you get in your head the better: THIS IS OVER... what she is doing to you and what you are allowing her to do to you is weak, sick and doing you a great deal of emotional harm. AND ITS YOUR DECISION.

 

Get your manhood back and stand tall... NEVER LET ANYONE in your life abuse you this way, especially someone who at one time claimed they loved you,etc.

 

Need help? Get counseling... rely on friends and family... get away from her and that situation ASAP... there is no rebuilding, there is hope... and even if she came crawling back, there is no way you would ever be able to trust her again and it would all creep back into your head.

 

Its over... you need to get away from her... take charge, be a man, be polite and do not say anything cruel or mean... and if she does, ignore her and break the conversation off.... control your emotions and know what you are doing will make you a stronger, more confident man (which sounds as if you are not or you would never have put yourself in this situation)....

 

There is nothing else to say.

 

 

You need to catch up on this thread. CG has moved on.

[ConflictedGuy27]

29 pages of posts is ALOT of reading, so I understand when people post that aren't fully up to speed - doesn't bother me; matter of fact there were some nuggets of wisdom in that one guys post that said women aren't physically attracted to men they don't respect, etc. I agree.

 

So here's an update. I got beat out for this amazing apartment where I live downtown, over looking the ball park... Bummer. I applied at another just yesterday that I really liked and I'm in great position for that place. I spoke with a management company that's going to arrange multiple showings for me this weekend.

 

I've been encouraged by my female friends (platonic) to move out of the burbs where all the married people are and migrate to a nice place smack dab in the city where the single action's at. I've been taking their advice because, hell women know what they're attracted too and according to one of my friends, an awesome place in the heart of downtown is "sexy." Lol, I was sold when other girls echoed simalar sentiments.

 

I need a change in life style so I can't wait.

 

Regarding my STBX, her returns to the condo are less and less frequent. She stopped in last night (I got in at almost midnight & her car was there), however, I haven't seen her face since March 10th, almost six weeks... We spoke on the phone once (that was a week ago). I posted about that conversation last week.

 

Its odd but I'm forgetting how her facial expressions look/how she emotes. That observation hit me yesterday. Moving on is kind of strange like that I guess.

 

I just asked myself if I miss her - not really... but in an odd way It's more that I appreciate how the answer to that question doesnt matter or change anything. Expressed as a percentage i'd say I miss who she was 20% and don't miss her (who she is now) 80%.

 

Best news of all, I care much less whether she "gets it" or not. That too will have so little impact when and if the day comes. I agree with Ol' 2Long's two year number. This relationship between my STBX and her OM will probably run with that statisical average length for A's. Whatever, by the time that happens, lolol, it'll be rediculously trival.

 

One other interesting piece of info that made it back to me - my STBX changed her name on her facebook to her maiden name. A few friends of mine noticed and mentioned it to me about a week ago (I blocked her so, heck I didn't know). I told my friends I don't need to know that stuff; but they insisted on telling me that she changed it back one day later...

 

I have no clue what that does or doesn't mean... If I had to speculate, I'd say the OM is pushing for some more overt disconnect from our M... Who knows? But what I do know is that doesn't change my plans.

 

I'll be sure to update when I sign my lease. That'll be cork popping time!!

[Holding-On]

Just chiming in that a dig in the city is in fact more sexy than a boring pad in the burbs. Well there should be more to do in the city too.

And I don't know if this was covered because I haven't read the whole thread but I wouldn't be crying over your former in-laws helping her re-fi. I think they did you a favor. Otherwise this whole condo re-fi would be taking forever and you would not be free as quickly.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Just chiming in that a dig in the city is in fact more sexy than a boring pad in the burbs. Well there should be more to do in the city too. ...

 

Nice to hear the sentiment echoed yet again. ;p And yes, there is a whole lot more to do; but the difference is that so many of the people out and about are my age - instead of middle aged people with kids (God love em), like in the burbs.

 

...And I don't know if this was covered because I haven't read the whole thread but I wouldn't be crying over your former in-laws helping her re-fi. I think they did you a favor. Otherwise this whole condo re-fi would be taking forever and you would not be free as quickly.

 

Yes, you and those who commented on this point are right. I need to get out and move on w/o my name being attached to that place; so bottom line is, they helped me.

 

I also know their motive is having access to the equity in that home once it appreciates. That money they're loaning her, as she'll find out one day, isn't as "no-strings-attached" as she believes...

 

Also, I used to feel that by them financially backing an adulterer (yes i know blood is thicker than water) that they're basically condoning adultery. That's not completely the case, as several posters shined some light on.

 

The truth is I'd be delayed until at least August.

Edited April 8, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[2.50 a gallon]

CG27

 

You are getting there. I was once in your shoes. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

After I moved, I think maybe I drove by the old neighborhood once, and then it was with a GF who had lived in the nearby and was curious.

 

I made tons of new friends. Lots of new female friends, softball games, Bar-B-Q's, new local bands, and did I mention lots of new girls.

 

Another hint, take your female friends with you when you go shopping for clothes.

 

I also need to warn you, even with your moving on with a new life, there will be times, when you crash again. It usually caught me in the mornings when I was just waking up. When I got the blues, I just remembered what an older friend told, me cheaters trade down, and the betrayed spouse eventually trades up. This was 30 years ago, and he was so right

[ConflictedGuy27]

So I'll be seeing my STBX for the first time in 6 weeks on Saturday. Blah. It's time to wrap up some of the final D paperwork and refi loose ends so we agreed to work together at the condo on Saturday.

 

Just hearing her VM's at times can be emotionally draining, albiet a small drain.

It's my plan to keep things flowing like a meeting at work. We'll see how that goes.

 

I'm thinking that once all the work is complete and verified I should grab my stuff and run. I'll probably need a stiff drink afterward.

 

I'm thinking of keeping a disclosed checklist near by on my laptop with stuff like - don't emote (stay poker face); change subject if she tries small talk, etc.

 

I'm trying to think of ways to act around her that'll keep me from having to pay an emotional price for the interaction @ the end of the day.

 

Any suggesstions??

[stillafool]

I like the "change subject if she starts small talk" idea but be careful that you don't come across as bitter so be cordial.

[boogieboy]

I'm trying to think of ways to act around her that'll keep me from having to pay an emotional price for the interaction @ the end of the day.

 

Any suggesstions??

 

It will take a couple times to feel the power of it, but when she tries small talk, go RIGHT back to business. "Just sign please, I have someone waiting for me". Bring it all back to the papers. She might keep trying to ask questions, you will feel better when she tries and you karate chop her questions down.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

You have NO idea how envious I am of you.

 

You are living and realizing a dream that I want for myself.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...sounds cg, remember you are the controller of your own destiny.

[Trojan John]

You should change your meeting place to some neutral ground. I would imagine that your condo is full of memories and will play emotional hell upon you. Someplace public will help to keep your mind focused.

[mark982]

neutral sounds like a great idea, not only for the emotional aspect, but just in case things somehow get ugly.

[Disintegration]

Wow has it really been six weeks since you've last seen her? That's good that you haven't seen her at the condo, strange but good. Definitely keep the conversation strictly about the D. Best of luck tomorrow.

[dreamingoftigers]

*handraise*

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hey everybody. Things went pretty well today, with regard to seeing and working with my STBX to finalize the D paperwork stuff.

 

It helped a lot having my head phones on. When we were talking I'd keep one ear bud in one ear while listening to her and talking, etc. When we were doing separate assignments I would keep them both in. Good stuff.

 

She and I always worked well together, on business related matters, so this was no exception. I wasn't looking at her with anger or hate - just taking care of business.

 

A few times I caught myself looking over at her while she was reading or something and those moment were sort of strange. Its surreal kind of; how close we are to finalizing everything and I though to myself, wow, she engineered all this...

 

Yes, I'll get all of the money owed me out of the property, etc. I'll be leaving with no credit card debt. Financially, I'll be leaving net positive, while she's straddled w/ quite a bit of debt from her family and other sources she's taken on to satisfy the closing costs and other costs required to complete the refi and pay me off.

 

Its amazing how far she's willing to go for this. She's put herself financially through the ringer, taking on such stupid risk just to get me out of the picture completely - yet she was at the table smiling at me, from time to time, and yes she made some small talk here and there (at most I'd smile back and put my other ear bud back in and do my thing).

 

The emotional price paid for this was small, and like all others I feel, creep in later. I made plans to go into the city and hang out so I did that. Went for a long walk, listened to music, hit up a few bars and coffee shops; it was a good time. During all those exploits I would pass places we've been before, stuff we did, etc. No big deal, but the thought of her crept in more often than usual since I'd just seen her.

 

Do I miss her...? Well, the old her, yes. Not this one though. Looking at her actions alone, she's clearly hell bent on getting me out of the picture, despite her demeanor to the contrary. Clearly, no price is too expensive to ditch ol CG, lol.

 

I've moved on from her in my heart, you guys... It was a little sad in a way. You see them, and you don't feel anything near what you used to, because of what they chose to do. Kind of disappointing really. Oh well.

 

I think this is the end of the thread. Sure there's some loose ends to tie up, like signing the lease on my new pad (which I'll be sure to update when I do) and moving my stuff out, but all in all, I've moved on to a place where I'm ready to fully detatch from my old life with her and see where I end up.

 

When I feel any inkling of "sadness" or "loneliness" i just ask myself, "are you really sad that you no longer have a lying cheater as your spouse?" The answer is always no and those inklings fade very quick...

 

So, my original question was "How can I stop my wife from seeing OM?" I smile as I type that question out. I'm more like smirking at my screen and chuckling at it. I was naive when I wrote that first post. Naive and very emotional - which is to be expected when blind sided.

 

The answer is you can't stop your SO from doing a damn thing, including seeing other people you don't want them to see. If my present self could go back and counsel my past self, I'd ask past me to pose a different question: "what should I do now that I've found out that my wife has chosen another man over me?" That's a more appropriate question.

 

I feel good about how I chose to handle this. I did so honorably, and with respect to my M. I held up my vows, ladies and gents. I tried to pull her back in and work things through (which would have just set me up for another round of this sh*t later on) and that didn't work out. I started to work on myself and in the process I've managed to let her go in my heart and in my mind. I discovered I don't need my STBX to be happy or successful - and that's an empowering feeling.

 

Emotional hiccups come here and there, but all and all, its time to move on. My Dad (age 52), who's been a big help (along with all of you here at LS and my counselor), commented the other day that the way I've healed is the same way that she'll have to heal, but she hasn't even begun yet, and won't until she's realized what she's done. He mentioned that she'll begin to feel what she's done once I've moved out and she has no way to contact or find me. That's when the beginning for her is - as my Dad put it, "the beginning of her life without you...".

 

You see, according to my Dad, her curse is that I'll always be the benchmark. She will always compare other men to me. I always put her first, protected her, provided and took care of her, truely loved her from start to finish. That's a tough thing to measure up to. Sure when times are good any given guy who has the hots for her can have a good time w/ her. But when the sh*t hits the fan, she'll see the difference, then she'll begin to see. Because I'll tell you something... (heaven forbid) if she came down with cancer tomorrow, I'll give you two guesses who wouldn't be around when sh*t gets tough... her AP. That 25 year old chump would run like the wind.

 

Using the same hypothetical, she kicked away the man who would have loved her even if the "cancer" made her lose every hair on her body... she kicked the man to the curb who would have been by her bedside, everyday, slapping the sh*t out of every doctor in the building demanding that she get A+++++ medical care... she kicked the man to the curb who would have volunteered to bathe her in her, in the event she couldn't do so for herself... What a fool she is.

 

You see, this is why I don't regret my decision to move on. I understand everything that I just wrote above. She doesn't; not just yet. But she will. And by that time, I'll be gone.

 

That's just about all I have to say about that - a super long post, for a super long thread.

 

Thank you all for all of the advise, LS was such a large part of my support network. Special thanks to the usual suspects... no need to name names, you know who you all are ;p

 

I seriously can not thank you guys enough. This was one of the toughest challenges I had to endure in my life, to date - and what's most unique about it is this was one of the few challenges where I was truly in over my head, I needed help in a big way. I appreciate that I'm not completely out of the woods yet, so to speak, but I'm certainly in control, which is where I'm most comfortable. I love my life.

 

Cheers!

[Trojan John]

This thread needs to be pinned to the top the forum for everyone who is going through this to read.

 

Good on ya, m8.

[stillafool]

We'll still be here for you CG. I'm sure you can help others who are going through the same experience. Good luck to you sir!

[ConflictedGuy27]

CG- I'm so proud to have met you on this site. You are a prime example of someone who conducts themselves with integrity. I know that you will come out a better person from this horrible experience.

 

Thanks JT. Glad to have met you too.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You done good, CG.

 

You're a good man.

 

The fu2re is going 2 be rather bumpy for your STBXW. For quite a few years ahead. You see, even if her OM is her @$$holemate and they get hitched and crank out a few kids 2gether, their whole relationship will always have started out as an underhanded, heartless lie.

 

And that isn't much of a start, however exciting it may seem 2 be!

 

-ol' 2long

 

Yeah, you're probably right about her future.

 

Mine won't be sunshine and lollipops instantly either. I'd say 6 months of the ol' single life may just straighten me out. I have these days (like today) where even the word "romance" makes me a bit jealous. Just goes to show I'm not ready for another relationship yet. Eventually I'll get over it though.

 

Wish me luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck to you. You deserve it.

[ConflictedGuy27]

...I'm sure you can help others who are going through the same experience...

 

I will pay my debt to LS by giving that a try for awhile. I think that eventually I'll have to fade away from this site. I've been sort of using LS like a crutch - which us excellent when a crutch is required - but eventually, one's gotta relearn to walk without that crutch, if the plan is to move forward.

 

I'll be around for a bit but slowly my posts on LS in general will likely fade.

[2.50 a gallon]

While it is commendable that you offer to stick around as you feel you owe the members of the board a debt. Keep in mind this is a board of saddness and at times despair.

 

You need to find happier times and begin to heal, and do not need reminders of the past few months. As it stands, there will be enough reminders without visiting LS.

 

Should you feel that part of your healing is to stay away from LS, please do so.

 

In nothing else, I would like to someday read an update on how much better your new and changed life is going for you