How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[lostsunsets]

You want her to feel Karma? You have to continue separating from her financially. Let her change her deposit. And you change yours. Tally what her 1/2 of the expenses are and make her pay em. I mean she took her half of the marriage and had sex with another guy. *Beep* *Beep* all aboard the karma bus.

[Church Bells]

I'm not saying he should be passive. He's filed for and served divorce papers, that's far from passive. But I fail to see how being responsible for a man losing his job helps HIM. In the end, he's still divorced, still been betrayed. Not to mention that it could somehow backfire. In the end, he has to be able to live with himself. Yes, he's mad right now, but he won't be (hopefully) forever. There's no reason for him to do something he may regret later.

 

Let me be clear ... I don't see ConflictedGuy as being passive. It is advice like that quoted above that "I" see as passive ... others mileage may vary.

 

We are all cut from different cloth. I'm just not one to wait around for something mythical like "karma" to do MY job for ME.

 

Personally, I feel it is best to receive differing viewpoints ... then the OP can use what best suits his own specific situation and personality.

[Ms. Red]

Personally, I agree with such a tactic.

 

Internet forums are filled with primarily passive advice ... I'm not sure why ... although I have my own theories ... but IMHO pure "revenge" is a highly under-rated theraputic tactic.

 

FWIW, I happen to live in an area where revenge is an acceptable way of responding to being wronged, and personal grudges are rarely forgiven.

 

Also, I don't believe in the myth of "karma".

 

I agree! And I practice it with results that are very therapeutic for my mind. I do however, make sure that I am correct in the way I believe the target was involved in behavior that brought grief to myself or my family. I wouldn't want to target someone for revenge and be wrong.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Although I would raise my glass to the idea of my STBX and the OM both losing their jobs, I won't be notifying their HR dept.

 

Matter of fact I'm under the impression that that office dude (the first OM) may be over with. While I was playing detective about a week and a half ago I found a picture of some other dude she was emailing herself to an alternate email address. It's just a hunch I have though. Bottom line - regardless of what's found from this point forward I KNOW she's FU**ING other dudes, and that's all I need to know...

 

I swear, the end of all this can't come soon enough.

 

I should let u all know that my shrink echoes a lot of the good advice I receive here in the forum. She says I'm doing great and to continue to keep her around arms length (close enough to control/manage but not so close that I let her burn me).

 

This sh** is a process that's for sure. Being "amicable" with her feels stupid at times after being stabbed in the back by her.

 

I called today and told her to send dates we could schedule for mediation and she sent em. Keeping conversation restricted to business definitley helps but I gag when I think how "nice" I'm being, all things considered.

 

I need an effing reward or a plaque or something, lol, this is some hard stuff - which is probably why amicable divorces are so rare...

 

Anyway, I'll post any new developments as they pop up.

[fooled once]

CG - I want to say how incredibly awed I am by how "high class" you have handled this. Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are hurting deep in your heart and I don't blame you for hurting.

 

But your class and consideration are remarkable. KUDDO's to you for the way you are dealing with this.

 

Hopefully, by summer, this will be final and you can switch from healing to getting your groove on and meeting a woman who deserves to shower in your bathroom!

 

It is nice to know there are other wonderful men out there (besides my husband) who know how to treat others, especially in the times of heartache and stress.

 

Be proud of yourself for your actions and keep up the great work!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hopefully, your reward or plaque or something will come in the form of a lovely woman who will value you, treasure you and love you and not act like a common tramp.

 

I second that.

[scatterd]

wow you have done great I would find out if hes in a realationship and let his

SO. also good luck

[ConflictedGuy27]

So I figured I'd provide an update this morning. It's the second day in a row that my STBX has slept at our home, which is a change.

 

I have to admit I got used to her packing up a week's worth of her sh** and just staying away; that actually ended up accelerating the healing I've done so far.

 

I don't know what this means, and I don't want to read into it too much, you know - over analyzing is a drain. At this point it doesn't really matter, Im resolved to continue moving forward with my goal of forging the divorce agreement and getting out of dodge by April.

 

Yesterday I was mentioning that I was frustrated that I didn't receive an apology from her, ect. but I see, at least I do this morning, that she lost me - rather, she traded me in for fool's gold. Wow. That'll be a hell of a revelation once that lesson hits home - and given enough time with just her and her own thoughts, it will hit home. Sad really...

 

In situations where the power shifts like this, they say to watch actions & not words to get the real scoop... Her actions are begining to

change up a bit, which is starting to worry me some. I get antsy and feel like I

should move quicker to allow less time for her to counter.

 

Anyway, I just thought I'd update you guys. If it's true that there's usually a quiet before the storm than I sense some drama coming soon - that's just a hunch I have.

 

Thanks again for all the support.

[stillafool]

In situations where the power shifts like this, they say to watch actions & not words to get the real scoop... Her actions are begining to

change up a bit, which is starting to worry me some. I get antsy and feel like I should move quicker to allow less time for her to counter.

 

 

 

I agree. Her friends will offer their advice as to why you might be rushing this and advising her to get all she can by not abandoning the house.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Maybe this is a normal feeling, but perhaps not...

I can't get the idea of having sex with her out of my head. Like lustful thoughts of angry sex n stuff... I'm hopeless I guess.

 

The chick cheats then walks all over me, I say enough's enough and file, now I'm @ work plotting hypothedical ways to get her in bed for one last romp...

 

She stayed over the last 2 nights on the couch. When we spoke it was just business regarding the D. She looked cute this AM and yesterday AM, but I was resolved not to touch her & didn't...

 

Blah, is this normal?!?

[Disintegration]

Well technically she is still your wife, however jthorne has a valid point. Don't degrade yourself by sleeping with her, who knows who or what she has been doing lately. Don't put yourself at risk.

[Brielle1]

Wow, I just went through this torture w/my ex. Only a couple differences...Together 7 yrs (-engaged 4 1/2 yrs) and 2 children under the age 4.

 

I know how heartbreaking it is to be in love all alone. I was pretty confident things would have been different, had we been married. Now, I doubt it wouldve stopped him from walking out.

 

Once you take contol of the situation, and show her you're not this weak heartbroken puppy who's going to wait around on her, you will feel like a million bricks have been lifted off your heart.

 

Of course u still love her and want to sleep with her, but it wldnt be wise to continue any sort of sexual relationship with her bc she needs to realize she let you go. She chose another man over you so let her live with her decision. Maybe she will come to her sences when realize you are no longer Hers to claim. But she's

not going to realize anything until you make her.

 

I wouldn't do anything drastic - like tell family- yet. Id definitely hire an attorney and see how things pan out....just in case things end up turning around and she leaves OM. Once the families get insight on her affair, things cld get messy and give her another excuse as to y a D is the only option.

 

I really feel for ya though...I hope everything gets better for you sooon! Don't be a doormat, ur better than that!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Wow, I just went through this torture w/my ex. Only a couple differences...Together 7 yrs (-engaged 4 1/2 yrs) and 2 children under the age 4.

 

I know how heartbreaking it is to be in love all alone. I was pretty confident things would have been different, had we been married. Now, I doubt it wouldve stopped him from walking out.

 

Once you take contol of the situation, and show her you're not this weak heartbroken puppy who's going to wait around on her, you will feel like a million bricks have been lifted off your heart.

 

Of course u still love her and want to sleep with her, but it wldnt be wise to continue any sort of sexual relationship with her bc she needs to realize she let you go. She chose another man over you so let her live with her decision. Maybe she will come to her sences when realize you are no longer Hers to claim. But she's

not going to realize anything until you make her.

 

I wouldn't do anything drastic - like tell family- yet. Id definitely hire an attorney and see how things pan out....just in case things end up turning around and she leaves OM. Once the families get insight on her affair, things cld get messy and give her another excuse as to y a D is the only option.

 

I really feel for ya though...I hope everything gets better for you sooon! Don't be a doormat, ur better than that!

 

Thanks for the words Bri,

 

I do have feelings for her but the love is diminishing day by day when she acts like a skank.

 

I told the family already and she got nailed, however she doesn't care, as this affair is strong. I know you're right when u say she won't get this until I'm GONE.

 

That's why I'm rolling with the punches... I know that I'll be cool one day soon and (the biggest motivator) she'll see she F'd up sooner or later on something worthwhile.

 

Maybe one day it'll work out between us, but she certainly needs time by HERSELF to grow; I doubt she'll be alone at all tho.

 

I scheduled divorce mediation for next week. I find that in my weaker moments it helps to leap to the next step in finalizing the divorce. I like it in a strange way cause it gives me a reason to call and deliver another shock - which says "I'm seriously Divorcing YOU!"

 

In the fog of the affair I know she won't get it, but hey, it'll get more and more real at the pace I'm going. Soon I'll be free to heal & move on.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Not to be crass, but some nice conditioner in the shower would be a lot less trouble.

 

I hear you loud and clear. Crass or not, I know sage advice when I see it.

[JustJoe]

Wow! 27, your situation is almost exactly like my sister's. She walked away from her marriage (my BIL is a Great guy) and started chasing other men. As I'm her only family, she thought I would be sympathetic, but I gave her a right good roasting about her slutty behavior and that I wouldn't lift a finger to help her financially. Yeah, she's my sis, but I'm not going to condone what she has done. After reading your posts, I can only say that you should be proud that you have taken the "high road", and are being honest and direct with her. This will help you in any new relationship you have. Good luck, Dude.

[Doing it Since '78]

Maybe this is a normal feeling, but perhaps not...

I can't get the idea of having sex with her out of my head. Like lustful thoughts of angry sex n stuff... I'm hopeless I guess.

 

The chick cheats then walks all over me, I say enough's enough and file, now I'm @ work plotting hypothedical ways to get her in bed for one last romp...

 

She stayed over the last 2 nights on the couch. When we spoke it was just business regarding the D. She looked cute this AM and yesterday AM, but I was resolved not to touch her & didn't...

 

Blah, is this normal?!?

 

Nah don't do it dude,

 

Can you imagine how angry you would be if you went after her for a shot of pu$$y and she rejected you, just to show you who was boss? After allowing ole boy to have her how he wanted, when he wanted? Sorry bud, but some things I will refuse to subject myself too, and that is most def one of them

 

Let her fry in her own backwards world, stay the course

 

My divorce is coming up, it like yours was a quickie, in less than 4 months I have went from happily married, to financial ruin (should have listened to my pop when he told me don't buy a house if you can't afford the note yourself), to inevitable divorce, and the whole time my schmuck of an ex wife could care less, I have the kids, both houses and she went out two weeks later after d-day and got an apartment in the hood (mind you we were landlords ourselves in a much better area for 3 years, and she has a masters degree), so far she has done nothing for her kids, her mother pays her part of daycare, and she usually comes up with unreasonable demands about the kids (stuff like I don't want the kids wearing clothes that I purchased to your house, like WTF since when can I fit a 4t pair of jeans, dumm ass), I just hit the ignore button on her as it is not worth the pound of flesh to argue with a fool

 

Do not pay her any attention, it may seem like your are speeding through, but don't let it linger, the longer it does the weaker your case may become, as the affair fog could be lifted pretty quick, and then comes her anger and resentment phase, which could make for an ugly divorce

 

I had my stbxw sign a seperation agreement 1 week after D-Day, in her fog she just signed the $hit without barely reading it, she would have done anything to get back to her stud

 

Strike while the iron is hot, you can not trust a confused woman to do the right thing on any level, as her decision making skills have been proven to be dumb as $hit at best, do not allow this situation to get reversed on you because of a lack of action in the initial stages

 

Also be mindful not too instruct her too much on this process, as that is no longer your job as her husband, she broke that when she took ole boy's meat in her mouth, amongst other things you probably don't even want to know or hear about, but it happened (maybe still). Let her figure it out on her own. My bud went through the exact same thing, his ex showed up to court in jeans and a t-shirt as she either didn't give a $hit, or she just didn't have a clue. He ended up with custody, child support and even alimony, it does happen, but this is a chess game, not checkers, outsmart her on all levels, even if that means you have to tuck your tail, do what you have to until all the dust settles

 

And who cares what she tells her friends and family, why do you give a $hit, they will know she is BS as her new "persona" begins to emerge. And at the end of the day, she is the sister, daughter, cousin, etc of her family, not you, so they will still take her side irregardless of the truth

 

Anything you want to do or say to her, bite your tongue, don't argue, don't play into BS attention whore games, and ignore, ignore, ignore. In my own situation, 4 months out, the only thing I miss from my STBXW is her paycheck, trust me you will get there in time. I look back at our good memories and grin, but as I make new memories with my two kids minus her I smile

 

My main man, as time goes on, you will look at her and feel disgusted, and then more than likely sorry for her, as she is so lost in her own selfishness that she doesn't get it, but oh well, two tears in a bucket

 

I think Gunny said this, but I have been using it as my new personal mantra in dealing with her antics:

 

"The United States of America, the worlds strongest super power (which is you) does not negotiate with terrorists (her) under any circumstances, they just go in and bomb $hit"

Edited March 5, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[Trojan John]

Thanks for the words Bri,

 

I do have feelings for her but the love is diminishing day by day when she acts like a skank.

 

I told the family already and she got nailed, however she doesn't care, as this affair is strong. I know you're right when u say she won't get this until I'm GONE.

 

That's why I'm rolling with the punches... I know that I'll be cool one day soon and (the biggest motivator) she'll see she F'd up sooner or later on something worthwhile.

 

I know that you don't want to do it, but your current problem would resolve itself if she was out of your home. Out of sight, out of mind. Putting her out would also help her to realise that you are dead serious about divorce. As it is, she gets to bide her time and continue to play on your emotions.

 

In any case, I still continue to wish you well and that this entire situation resolves itself in your favour.

 

Cheers

[stillafool]

 

she broke that when she took ole boy's meat in her mouth, amongst other things you probably don't even want to know or hear about, but it happened (maybe still).

 

 

Remember this quote the next time you get a desire to have sex with your stbxw!

[stillafool]

OP why are the two of you still living together? Why hasn't she moved out and in with the OM? Maybe you said so somewhere in this thread and I missed it. I too think it is a good idea for her to move out and move on.

[ConflictedGuy27]

John's got a good point. No doubt you'll hear this at mediation next week (a good choice, as without a lot of assets be2ween you, it's the cleanest way 2 divorce), but the waiting period in your state for DV likely doesn't START until you're physically separated. And most states have "cool off" periods of 6 months or so.

 

-ol' 2long

 

You and John are 200% correct, my issue is the living arrangement - I.e. Her staying here when she (for whatever reason) isn't crashing at the OM's home or elsewhere. When she comes back, her mere presense erodes my healing progress, whether we speak or not...

 

I live in CA, a no fault state and like me she has every legal right to be/live here as I do. If I were to change locks or move her stuff out, sure I'd feel great but atleast 2 things would happen:

 

1. She'd call the cops or sherrif who would force me to allow her access to HER home; &

 

2. She would retaliate in some way, shape or form - e.g. disagree to complete mediation, hire a lawyer & litigate JUST to burnup all net worth, etc...

 

I don't "kick her out" because, from a strategic point of view, the divorce then becomes harder emotionally and financially (not to mention the extra time I'd have to invest).

 

At mediation next week I will bring up the idea of creating boundaries within the condo while I'm still living there. Agreeing that she will tell me in advance when she plans on coming and/or moving her stuff into a separate bedroom. I'm still considering that option and how to present it so I don't look like a WEAK person, buckling under the weight of her BS.

 

Let me know if you have any suggestions on that front...

 

My Brother listened to me vent like all night last night and that helped. It'll be a sad, but extremely important, day for ME once I move all my stuff out into my own place. I say sad because I like the condo, and I could afford it alone but love to save $$.

 

She wants the property so she'll get it once my equity is bought out from

under me - which she'll agree to I'm sure.

 

When I reminise about the past & the good times, I feel disapointed that she chose this road... I understand that my path to happiness is beyond this divorce though, so I'll keep moving forward.

 

Believe it or not, I big part of me wishes I didn't have to pull the trigger like this...

[Disintegration]

 

Believe it or not, I big part of me wishes I didn't have to pull the trigger like this...

 

 

It wasn't you who did this, she did it all on her own once she was unfaithful.

[stampdaddy]

Believe it or not, I big part of me wishes I didn't have to pull the trigger like this...

 

SLAAAAAAAAAAP!!!! Slap, Slap, Slappity Slap-Slap!!!!

 

You stop that crap right now, Mister! Stay focused of removing this cancer from your life! Have a Great Friday and weekend MOVING FORWARD!

 

Cheerio, mate

[Bobby2010]

Maybe this is a normal feeling, but perhaps not...

I can't get the idea of having sex with her out of my head. Like lustful thoughts of angry sex n stuff... I'm hopeless I guess.

 

The chick cheats then walks all over me, I say enough's enough and file, now I'm @ work plotting hypothedical ways to get her in bed for one last romp...

 

She stayed over the last 2 nights on the couch. When we spoke it was just business regarding the D. She looked cute this AM and yesterday AM, but I was resolved not to touch her & didn't...

 

Blah, is this normal?!?

 

 

It is normal.

 

But I kept reminding myself that my ex let another guy screw her while we were together.

 

I can't think of something more disgusting than that.

[xxoo]

. I understand that my path to happiness is beyond this divorce though, so I'll keep moving forward. .

 

Yes, this needs to be your focus.

 

You know that saying: When you are going through hell, keep going.

 

You deserve so much better.

[stillafool]

 

I don't "kick her out" because, from a strategic point of view, the divorce then becomes harder emotionally and financially (not to mention the extra time I'd have to invest).

 

I would think it would be easier on your emotions not to see her day to day. Not seeing her would help you to move on faster and not have to see what she is wearing or wonder where she is going or what she is doing. I think still seeing her is harder emotionally. You should go strictly NC with her since you guys don't have kids to discuss.

 

 

At mediation next week I will bring up the idea of creating boundaries within the condo while I'm still living there. Agreeing that she will tell me in advance when she plans on coming and/or moving her stuff into a separate bedroom. I'm still considering that option and how to present it so I don't look like a WEAK person, buckling under the weight of her BS.

 

I don't understand what you mean about her giving you advance notice of her coming (where)? Does she have to give you advance notice of her coming and going? Who cares where or what she does. I also don't see how her or you moving to a separate bedroom would make you look WEAK. You should have already moved yourself or her stuff into a separate bedroom. If I were you I certainly wouldn't want her back in my bed with the other guys DNA all over her.