How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[bestplayer]

You and John are 200% correct, my issue is the living arrangement - I.e. Her staying here when she (for whatever reason) isn't crashing at the OM's home or elsewhere. When she comes back, her mere presense erodes my healing progress, whether we speak or not...

 

I live in CA, a no fault state and like me she has every legal right to be/live here as I do. If I were to change locks or move her stuff out, sure I'd feel great but atleast 2 things would happen:

 

1. She'd call the cops or sherrif who would force me to allow her access to HER home; &

 

2. She would retaliate in some way, shape or form - e.g. disagree to complete mediation, hire a lawyer & litigate JUST to burnup all net worth, etc...

 

I don't "kick her out" because, from a strategic point of view, the divorce then becomes harder emotionally and financially (not to mention the extra time I'd have to invest).

 

At mediation next week I will bring up the idea of creating boundaries within the condo while I'm still living there. Agreeing that she will tell me in advance when she plans on coming and/or moving her stuff into a separate bedroom. I'm still considering that option and how to present it so I don't look like a WEAK person, buckling under the weight of her BS.

 

Let me know if you have any suggestions on that front...

 

My Brother listened to me vent like all night last night and that helped. It'll be a sad, but extremely important, day for ME once I move all my stuff out into my own place. I say sad because I like the condo, and I could afford it alone but love to save $$.

 

She wants the property so she'll get it once my equity is bought out from

under me - which she'll agree to I'm sure.

 

When I reminise about the past & the good times, I feel disapointed that she chose this road... I understand that my path to happiness is beyond this divorce though, so I'll keep moving forward.

 

Believe it or not, I big part of me wishes I didn't have to pull the trigger like this...

 

one thing i would say is possible that she might try to want to still remain friends while u r divorcing just to downplay her actions u need to tell her that can never happen & u cant stand a liar .

[stillfallin]

CG27

 

Im sorry you are going thru this. Stay strong and use your head. I am in a similar situation so I understand. You really do need to distance yourself from her. I hadnt talked to my STBX in a month when I got an email from her monday. As soon as I saw it my stomach started turning. Part of me was happy she had contacted me but every time I see or talk to her it puts me in a bad mood. Tell her you have done some of what she wants and its time for her to do the same. She is the one that cheated and asked for the divorce. Too bad you dont know anyone that could stay with you for a while like a buddy or family member. I doubt she would want to stay if someone else was there. I have been staying with my best friend and it has definitely helped me. I know this my not be possible but you need to be around people that care about you not a POS cheater.

[ConflictedGuy27]

It wasn't you who did this, she did it all on her own once she was unfaithful.

 

Very well said. She's the responsible one... Thanks for tossing the cold water in my face. I needed that.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Believe it or not, I big part of me wishes I didn't have to pull the trigger like this...

 

SLAAAAAAAAAAP!!!! Slap, Slap, Slappity Slap-Slap!!!!

 

You stop that crap right now, Mister! Stay focused of removing this cancer from your life! Have a Great Friday and weekend MOVING FORWARD!

 

Cheerio, mate

 

Thanks Stamps. I'll focus on having a good weekend. Got some good stuff lined up.

[Dark-Farmer]

Man i have been reading your post, and all i got to say is you're acting like a real champ man.

Congrats! seriously.

I know you're probably feeling up and downs but you're not a robot. But your actions have been really top notch.

 

And I think you're right i think you have some drama coming your way. I think she will start regretting her decision very soon. I wouldn't doubt if she threw herself at you soon as a last ditch effort to get you back.

 

Just stay strong man.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Here's a short update:

 

I received a random email from my STBX letting me know that a married couple who were friends with bought a place...

 

Small talk?? I dunno...

 

I took the opportunity to remind her about the date time and place of Monday's mediation... I'm hoping she doesn't pull any unexpected stall tactics.

 

Like many of u said, I gotta get the he'll out of there and that's my plan once the marriage settlement agreement is signed & filed. I'm shooting for April to be in the wind.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me you guys.

And, for what it's worth, I'd buy a beer for each of you guys in here if you were local. A beefy component of my support system has been this forum.

 

Thanks for the continued support.

[ConflictedGuy27]

New update - I need some SERIOUS advice on this:

 

I was operating under the impression that my STBX and the OM were colleauges at work, both managers...

 

I was wrong.

 

I just learned that she's his fuc*ing supervisor...

 

Before I didn't want to tell her job because if they were in different departments than what's the harm. However that's not the case. Get this:

 

1. they're currently restructuring, as they recently last a major client worth a third of their revenue;

 

2. They're in the process of evaluating which employees should be cut...; &

 

3. Her department must do cuts as well...

 

Can anyone say... Favortism?!?!?

The plot has thickened ladies and gents.

 

Perhaps an "anonymous" call to my STBX's boss is in order.

Of course I would disclose who I am and what I know, but for the purposes of an amicable divorce ask if he could keep the fact that the tip cane from me confidential...

 

Hmmmm....

 

It's advice time people. Hit me with it!!

[Dexter Morgan]

New update - I need some SERIOUS advice on this:

 

I was operating under the impression that my STBX and the OM were colleauges at work, both managers...

 

I was wrong.

 

I just learned that she's his fuc*ing supervisor...

 

Send a letter to her boss, and any board of directors informing them of the affair. 2 people at work in an affair is no reason for termination.

 

BUT, a supervisor screwing a subordinate, whether consentual or not, is grounds for termination. You could cause alot of trouble for your stbX.

 

It happened where I worked. The board had to insist that a supervisor be let go to avoid a harrassment suit, again, whether consentual or not was irrelevant.

 

 

Before I didn't want to tell her job because if they were in different departments than what's the harm. However that's not the case. Get this:

 

1. they're currently restructuring, as they recently last a major client worth a third of their revenue;

 

2. They're in the process of evaluating which employees should be cut...;

 

who better to cut that a supervisor that has sex with subordinates. DO IT!!!!! send the letters.

 

 

3. Her department must do cuts as well...

 

Can anyone say... Favortism?!?!?

The plot has thickened ladies and gents.

 

Perhaps an "anonymous" call to my STBX's boss is in order.

Of course I would disclose who I am and what I know, but for the purposes of an amicable divorce ask if he could keep the fact that the tip cane from me confidential...

 

yes, disclose who you are, because if it is anonymous, they legally can't fire someone on unsubstantiated claims without a witness.

 

 

DO IT NOW!!!!

[CM2009]

Here's a short update:

 

I received a random email from my STBX letting me know that a married couple who were friends with bought a place...

 

Small talk?? I dunno...

 

I took the opportunity to remind her about the date time and place of Monday's mediation... I'm hoping she doesn't pull any unexpected stall tactics.

 

Like many of u said, I gotta get the he'll out of there and that's my plan once the marriage settlement agreement is signed & filed. I'm shooting for April to be in the wind.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me you guys.

And, for what it's worth, I'd buy a beer for each of you guys in here if you were local. A beefy component of my support system has been this forum.

 

Thanks for the continued support.

 

Shoot if you were in SOCAL I'd buy you a beer!!!!

[CM2009]

Wow, what are you gonna do bro. Because now this is something that can further damage her

[CM2009]

CG, what's your intent here, buddy? Revenge? I think you shouldn't tell, but keep the info for ammunition to facilitate a cooperative divorce. Remember, if she loses her job, she'll be looking to you to support her. You need her to be able to support herself.

 

But I don't know that if he brings it out in the court that she was fired for sleeping with her employee they'll make him support her!!

[PhoenixRise]

But I don't know that if he brings it out in the court that she was fired for sleeping with her employee they'll make him support her!!

 

 

This is exactly what I am thinking.

 

I don't know what the laws are in his state but I would imagine the divorce settlement will be affected If the WW is unemployed.

 

OP don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

 

 

If you have proof of the affair and the timelines then hold on to it. After the divorce is settled THEN send it to her boss (if she is still employed there) if you want.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You all give me too little credit, lol.

 

Here's what I'm thinking:

 

1. We've agreed how to divide up the credit cards and I wrote up an agreement with our understanding. I will bring to mediation on Monday;

 

2. I've done the same for the physical furniture & cars. I'll be bringing to mediation on Monday.

 

3. The only primary asset we'll be discussing is the condo and the process she'll be agreeing to conduct to remove my name from it and the mortgage. We have little equity so buying me out'll be easy + she really wants (and can afford the place solo).

 

Now, according to the mediator I talked with if things go as expected we can have all agreements done signed and filed before 3/15/10. Once that's done, the divorce is complete, except for the 6 month waiting period in California. (I live in Socal too for those who want that beer I offered).

 

Basically I want advice on my strategy to time notifying her job (her boss, the board of directors and HR) about the manager - employee sexual affair AFTER Ive filed all legal documents.

 

Yes it's the vengence play. Yes it's the spite play, but dammit, I don't know if I could pass this one up. Not only could I get out fast and cheap but also have a good shot at getting them BOTH fired... My lord, this is the biggest deal in the history of divorces... In the history of cheating wife payback!!

 

I have to do it... Or do I?? Thoughts/warnings??

 

Please advise.

Edited March 6, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[Jeff1962]

New update - I need some SERIOUS advice on this:

 

I was operating under the impression that my STBX and the OM were colleauges at work, both managers...

 

I was wrong.

 

I just learned that she's his fuc*ing supervisor...

 

Before I didn't want to tell her job because if they were in different departments than what's the harm. However that's not the case. Get this:

 

1. they're currently restructuring, as they recently last a major client worth a third of their revenue;

 

2. They're in the process of evaluating which employees should be cut...; &

 

3. Her department must do cuts as well...

 

Can anyone say... Favortism?!?!?

The plot has thickened ladies and gents.

 

Perhaps an "anonymous" call to my STBX's boss is in order.

Of course I would disclose who I am and what I know, but for the purposes of an amicable divorce ask if he could keep the fact that the tip cane from me confidential...

 

Hmmmm....

 

It's advice time people. Hit me with it!!

 

I thought you said they were both teachers. Hhhhmmmmmmmmmm........

[ConflictedGuy27]

Who would've guessed... She's here in my space when i get home.

 

A few things:

 

she ****s with me saying something referencing the word "boy friend" and I

like WTF did u say? And she's like "I'm just ****ing with u"

 

I mentioned I'd be out of townto her this weekend and here she is. I followed her around the house a bit doing idle talk really. It was lame. She says I was poking @ her and i was actually.

 

Asked her what's been going on, etc. Small talk was made until I could see the OM either text her or she was just fuc*ing with me using her phone. I was like "who's that you're little boy friend?!"

 

She said I'm going upstairs & left when I said that. I said, "what u want me to call the guy big boy friend?!" She told me I was childish... Fuc*ing bitch.

 

We laugh for a bit then I'll push on something & she'll leave each time.

 

I asked her out dancing a few times & she almost came during my advances. Lame I'm back to this... I don't know how to act around her. Ifeel I'd dobest to be like "whatever" towards her...

 

She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight because she said her backhurt and she's not having sex. What liar... I said to her not to sleep in MY bed.

[on1wheel]

You are still (from what I am reading) playing by her rules. Divorce her ASAP, have little or no contact, then F*ck her up by disclosing the affair after you've gotten your equity from the condo.

Hopefully she'll get fired, but even if not right away, the people above her will definitely treat her differently, then can her when the time is right.

My W had an A with a co-worker (someone that she got a promotion) & even though there was no policy in place that said "that's a no no" he was forced to quit immediately & then she was let go maybe 6 mths later for some BS reason. They didn't want to do it because I disclosed the affair, as he/she might sue, but they canned her ASAP for another reason...yeah right.

I felt like I had no choice but to rat them out...I was sooo hurt by her betrayal.

Do not take your wife back no matter what. Don't make me drive to SoCal to slap some sense into you...lol. You will regret it, as she WILL cheat again. She has shown no remorse, nor does she care how you feel. Everyone here can see it; can't you?

Get on with your life, find a better woman & live for you. Right now you're still living to try & get her back. Garbage belongs @ the curb...keep her there. Cheers.

[hopesndreams]

Who would've guessed... She's here in my space when i get home.

 

A few things:

 

she ****s with me saying something referencing the word "boy friend" and I

like WTF did u say? And she's like "I'm just ****ing with u"

 

I mentioned I'd be out of townto her this weekend and here she is. I followed her around the house a bit doing idle talk really. It was lame. She says I was poking @ her and i was actually.

 

Asked her what's been going on, etc. Small talk was made until I could see the OM either text her or she was just fuc*ing with me using her phone. I was like "who's that you're little boy friend?!"

 

She said I'm going upstairs & left when I said that. I said, "what u want me to call the guy big boy friend?!" She told me I was childish... Fuc*ing bitch.

 

We laugh for a bit then I'll push on something & she'll leave each time.

 

I asked her out dancing a few times & she almost came during my advances. Lame I'm back to this... I don't know how to act around her. Ifeel I'd dobest to be like "whatever" towards her...

 

She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight because she said her backhurt and she's not having sex. What liar... I said to her not to sleep in MY bed.

 

Why are you engaging her in silly chit chat that is hurting you? She is laughing at you, seriously. She gets to text her little boyfriend while you look over her shoulder making comments about it!!! NO,no and NO. Stop!

 

What happened after you told her not to sleep in your bed with you? Did she listen? Did you cave?

 

You are going back to square one. Nothing good will come from this, only more torment, for you.

 

I don't know how to act around her. Ifeel I'd dobest to be like "whatever" towards her...

 

You must act as though you don't give a sh*t AND that you have better things to do in your life than following her around like a little puppy. This is the only thing that will work and give you the control. Otherwise, just expect more of the same treatment.

 

Do the 180. When you screw up, which you will, get right back on it!

[stillafool]

I have to agree with everyone else. You are going backwards. You should keep all conversation with her strictly business and civil. Don't show your anger, make immature remarks about her boyfriend, and certainly don't follow her around like a puppy. This is why you need to move out and on with your life. I don't think you can handle seeing her everyday and knowing she is with someone else. That would be hard on anyone. You want to have sex with her and she knows it.

 

I also didn't think it was a good idea to research her relationship or to think of "outing" her and the other man to lose their jobs. Revenge will get you nothing but more "heartbreak". You think you will feel better but you won't and it almost always backfires anyway. Let "karma" handle revenge, it will be far more severe and hurtful than anything you could ever do. I think you need to get to a place of acceptance of her affair and the breakup of your marriage, try to forgive her, and work on your new life. But, seriously, you need to move out!

[Church Bells]

I also didn't think it was a good idea to research her relationship or to think of "outing" her and the other man to lose their jobs. Revenge will get you nothing but more "heartbreak". You think you will feel better but you won't and it almost always backfires anyway. Let "karma" handle revenge, it will be far more severe and hurtful than anything you could ever do. I think you need to get to a place of acceptance of her affair and the breakup of your marriage, try to forgive her, and work on your new life. But, seriously, you need to move out!

 

There is an opposite, and equally valid, viewpoint to the above.

 

Having an A and rubbing her BH's face in it, by continuing contact right in front of him, is about as disrespectful as a WW can be towards her BH. This form of abuse is deliberate and premeditated by BOTH the WW and OM, and BH's response should be just as calculated and damaging.

 

Personally, I favor CG's plan of playing nice until the property settlement agreement is finalized and then BLOWING UP WW and OM fantasy by exposing them to their workplace. CG didn't ask for this HELL to be brought upon his life, but he can sure respond to it "IN KIND" by "giving as good as he got".

 

This is not a situation of simple "bad judgment" ... WW & OM's CONTINUING actions are intentional and without remourse. There SHOULD be consequences for actions like this and it should be commensurate to the offense.

 

Personally, I don't view this in the terms of the coldness necessary for pure revenge, but more along the lines of responding with the RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION of a man who has been PERSONALLY WRONGED!

[Jeff1962]

Who would've guessed... She's here in my space when i get home.

 

A few things:

 

she ****s with me saying something referencing the word "boy friend" and I

like WTF did u say? And she's like "I'm just ****ing with u"

 

I mentioned I'd be out of townto her this weekend and here she is. I followed her around the house a bit doing idle talk really. It was lame. She says I was poking @ her and i was actually.

 

Asked her what's been going on, etc. Small talk was made until I could see the OM either text her or she was just fuc*ing with me using her phone. I was like "who's that you're little boy friend?!"

 

She said I'm going upstairs & left when I said that. I said, "what u want me to call the guy big boy friend?!" She told me I was childish... Fuc*ing bitch.

 

We laugh for a bit then I'll push on something & she'll leave each time.

 

I asked her out dancing a few times & she almost came during my advances. Lame I'm back to this... I don't know how to act around her. Ifeel I'd dobest to be like "whatever" towards her...

 

She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight because she said her backhurt and she's not having sex. What liar... I said to her not to sleep in MY bed.

 

Dude. Have some self respect. I understand that letting go is hard but damn, where is your dignity man? Why are you holding onto this woman who only hurts you? You want to play mind games with her. Yes, her affair was a dagger in your heart but everything that has followed according to your posts have been little control games from both of you. This is not a healthy relationship.

 

Leave her. Don't be an a**, be the better person and leave her. It's up to you mate. You can spend the rest of your life playing these little games or you can move on with your life and live life. Your choice.

[ConflictedGuy27]

It's morning now and I feel stupid. I agree that i took backward steps last night for sure:

 

1. I engaged her in pretty meaningless conversation, just for the sake of doing it. - just cause she was there.

 

2. I was taking small shots @ her (teasing) whenever I could, I.e. "You got skinny, turn around for me", "why are u here on a Friday night, where's your little boy friend..." etc.

 

She eventually said to me, "I know you're just messing around with me cause you like playing games & haven't seen me in awhile, I know you..."

 

3. I followed her around (a post above said, like a puppy, I agree w/ that) trying to get reactions out of her, I even cornered her once or twice.

 

When she said she wanted to sleep in the master bedroom I told her she couldn't sleep in MY bed. She said, it's not my bed, it's OUR bed. I told her she could take the couch & she did.

 

4. I asked her to do stuff for me, I.e. toss something in the microwave - which she did.

 

5. I left around 11pm last night, had to get out. When I got back after 1am I hugged her.

 

I was just staring up @ the ceiling this AM in bed like WTF did I do last night... Trying to see my mistakes clearly and damn I made a bunch.

 

I realize all my actions said (screamed rather) I want you back... Which is waaay contrary to the message of my acts last week. I was a rock last week, I was moving us forward and she'd crack up here & there... Now this?? Sheeeit.

 

I'm putting in place a new rule, which I think will help ME. Whenever I get home and she's here, the first thing I do is go up & take a hot shower, destress and ask myself what should I NOT do tonight... I.e the points above.

 

On another note I saw her snooping up on this one girl that's connected to the OM. From what I can tell she's spying on this girl like I'm

spying on my STBX... I thought that to be interesting, since she was in on a Friday night with no plans for the weekend...

 

Anyway, that has nothing to do with what I have to do. Just thought I'd share.

Before I open my door I am definetly going to know what NOT to do...

[ConflictedGuy27]

There is an opposite, and equally valid, viewpoint to the above.

 

Having an A and rubbing her BH's face in it, by continuing contact right in front of him, is about as disrespectful as a WW can be towards her BH. This form of abuse is deliberate and premeditated by BOTH the WW and OM, and BH's response should be just as calculated and damaging.

 

Personally, I favor CG's plan of playing nice until the property settlement agreement is finalized and then BLOWING UP WW and OM fantasy by exposing them to their workplace. CG didn't ask for this HELL to be brought upon his life, but he can sure respond to it "IN KIND" by "giving as good as he got".

 

This is not a situation of simple "bad judgment" ... WW & OM's CONTINUING actions are intentional and without remourse. There SHOULD be consequences for actions like this and it should be commensurate to the offense.

 

Personally, I don't view this in the terms of the coldness necessary for pure revenge, but more along the lines of responding with the RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION of a man who has been PERSONALLY WRONGED!

 

Very well said. This was my thinking. She's so blatant about it it's sickening. I do ask for info at times, out of curiousity but damn.

 

Sometimes I think I'm growing to hate her...

[Church Bells]

Sometimes I think I'm growing to hate her...

 

You WILL ... and there is nothing wrong with feeling HATRED towards someone who has intentionally HURT you. In reality, its a defense mechanism to keep you from making a similar mistake again.

 

Make no mistake, I'm more than capable of making NEW mistakes, but mistakes like this that leave a scar on your soul will not be repeated.

 

However, in hindsight, the intensity of the hatred will diminish in time to pure INDIFFERENCE. Once you have rid yourself of the passion from this experience, it gets very easy to simply NOT CARE anymore, and at that point you will have regained your personal FREEDOM.

 

In the meantime, and as a means to that end, I encourage any BH to RECLAIM their self-respect with whatever proactive options may be available to them.

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

[Disintegration]

I'm glad you are thinking more clearly today, I know last night you had a relapse in better judgment, but it's understood. You really need to move out asap! It is going to be that much harder avoiding her if you run into her at the condo. I know you really don't want to play mind games with her. I bet she is enjoying the attention you have given her, but remember she isn't worthy of you any more. She is having an affair with another man. Don't even make small talk unless it has to do with your D. Avoid her. Don't make any physical contact, no more hugging either. It may lead to other things and you'll get sucked back into her web. You have to be in control.

 

As far as ratting them out at work I'm not too sure about that. What if she does lose her job and you end up paying alimony and the condo? Not only will you have to pay for those two things off the bat you'll need to pay for your new place as well. I know you didn't want to be vindictive, but I think if you do go through with that you may come off like that. I would just let things play out the way they are going now. The sooner this is over with the sooner you can move on with your life-without her and her infidelity.

 

I think us Southern Californians need to treat you to a pitcher of beer!

[Richard Friedman]

Wow, what a sadistic cunt your wife is!! I'll not deny that men cheat just as much if not more, but i've never heard of a man flaunting his affair in order to twist the dagger deeper into his wife. It's a deliberate ploy to break down your confidence and have you grovelling at her feet. I can't imagine that a normal human being would do such a stranger much less someone they supposedly loved at some point. The gall is sickening, and any retaliation by you would be mild in comparison imo. You owe her no mercy and no quarter and if it makes you feel better by ratting her out then go for it. Much better to see justice done with you own hands than wait in hope that "someday" she'll get hers. On that note, I wouldn't worry about having additional alimony foisted on you if she gets fired. If they can get you for this when she gets fired 6 months from now then by that logic they could hit you up for cash if she faces some bankruptcy 2 years down the road, which is unheard of.