ruthlessflower Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Hi, I've just joined so be gentle with me Me and my fiancée are looking to get married this year but with just close friends, no family as they don't get along. (I'm 21, he's 26 in 6 weeks). What I wanted to know was if we got married this year, is it possible to then have a renewal ceremony or a blessing when our parents finally need to know. There's no way that they'll support this, our happiness isn't on their to do list so this is a way to make me happy and them later on. Any advice would be welcomed, just to say this is what we both want. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 A blessing should be possible. Why do they object so strongly? Are there any grounds to their objections? Whilst I also agree that the choice of whom you marry is down to you and not your parents, to start a marriage without your parents knowing is only going to make it harder for them to accept. Why not tell them and invite them on the basis that they are more than welcome if they are willing to accept that this is your decision and you are happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Well I'm the youngest and the only girl from my family, while he is the oldest and only son who will ever have a chance at being married. While his parents are more grudgingly accepting, mine refuse to acknowledge we live together, let alone sleep in the same bed. Saying that, my mum refuses to tell my stepdad I live with a boy as it's 'not right'. So I could get his side to come, just not mine. But I do like the idea of a blessing. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 But why the objection? You being the youngest and him is the oldest is no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 i think the hurt and pain is going to be greater to repair given that they will most likely feel betrayed and dishonored at your secret wedding. secrecy is never a good way to start anything - especially a marriage. to eliminate them from an important event will cause much more harm than you are admitting to yourself. why do you intend to hurt them so much that it will make it difficult to ever repair the relationship? just tell the truth - whether they like it or not is their decision and their's alone to deal with... at least you will have been honest from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 I am my mum's last hope of having a child do the 'right thing', e.g go to uni, graduate, work for 10yrs, get married and babies...in that order. She is a very proud woman and hates anything that ruins that image. By skipping a step or two, I'm ruining her dream. Me going to uni was her dream, not mine but I still did it. For his parents, it's down to my age. They don't think i'm mature enough to be in a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 So both sets of parents have concerns about maturity and rushing into things. Well how about showing some maturity and tell them that you want to get married. To do so behind their back would just confirm their fears. Do you plan to leave it a few years before you start a family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 i think the hurt and pain is going to be greater to repair given that they will most likely feel betrayed and dishonored at your secret wedding. secrecy is never a good way to start anything - especially a marriage. to eliminate them from an important event will cause much more harm than you are admitting to yourself. why do you intend to hurt them so much that it will make it difficult to ever repair the relationship? just tell the truth - whether they like it or not is their decision and their's alone to deal with... at least you will have been honest from the start. I'm not intending on hurting them but thy're hurting me so what gives them that right? Why should I accept it, face the looks of disapproval if they choose to turn up or the fake looks of empathy when they choose not to? I plan to tell them, I plan to include them..when they feel ready to be included. This year its about me and him, not them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 So both sets of parents have concerns about maturity and rushing into things. Well how about showing some maturity and tell them that you want to get married. To do so behind their back would just confirm their fears. Do you plan to leave it a few years before you start a family? I don't see how it's about rushing into things. Both our parents were married at a younger age than us. And yes we do plan to wait a long while before babies. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 But you are not showing maturity by getting married behind their back. If you want then to treat you like adults..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 So I should put my life on hold just to please them? If I tell them, the more likely scenario is my mother will get my brothers to force me home and make me choose, family or him. Least my way keeps them in my life, yes in the dark but its better that way. I don't plan on rubbing it in their face that I've lied to them, like I've said, when the time comes when they are ready, I will get married for their benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 The "secrecy" approach as you describe it does not portray you as mature enough to be making this commitment. If you're a grown-up woman & your fiance a man and not a boy, then the thing to do is to face up to the disapproval of your parents, stand strong by your decision, and start your life together. What are they going to think you're up to, anyway? I guess your Mom is going to notice that you aren't following her preferred schedule whether she knows you're married or not. Are you now living together? Is that okay with all the 'rents? You both are allowed to make your life choices ... and your parents are allowed to feel as they will about those. They might make it unpleasant for you, which would be sad, but that's life. Certainly you can get married now and have some other kind of celebration with the family later; it's done all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
SuburbanOblivion Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 So I should put my life on hold just to please them? If I tell them, the more likely scenario is my mother will get my brothers to force me home and make me choose, family or him. If you are as truly as grownup as you think you are, your brothers can't 'force' you to do anything. And if they do, it's called kidnapping, and they have laws about that sort of thing, at which point you call the police. If you aren't adult enough to tell them and let them know you've made your choice and they can like it or lump it, you aren't grownup enough to be getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 For the sake of the argument, I'm trying to keep my family, not just cut myself off from them. If the time came, then yes I would chose my life over their POV. And in my family, you do as your told or you face the consequences. I've lived through enough drama, pain and scars to know when to shut up and keep quiet so yes if my brothers came looking for me, the police is not my first choice for help. I know that now. At the end of the day, if I can make ends meet to live with my man, plan our lives together, deal with every crisis thrown at us, then yes I can get married. Yes I live with him, my mum knows but as I said, she won't broadcast it or let me stepdad find out. I don't see why just cos I have a family I have to include them. I wasn't included at my brothers wedding, everyone was there but me. Why I wasn't, I don't know, maybe their idea of a punishment. I'm not planning on doing this out of spite, I would just like a day that is very important to me, be happy and fun. But thank you all for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 Okay so your parents are upset because you are living together unmarried... Wouldn't getting married make them HAPPY then? You'll be a legally married woman, not some "girl" living in sin. I'm sorry but this just doesn't add up. Parents don't generally disapprove of a couple just because they are living together in sin. There has to be more to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruthlessflower Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 Okay so your parents are upset because you are living together unmarried... Wouldn't getting married make them HAPPY then? You'll be a legally married woman, not some "girl" living in sin. I'm sorry but this just doesn't add up. Parents don't generally disapprove of a couple just because they are living together in sin. There has to be more to it. You haven't met my mother then. You don't need to do much to be in her bad books. It's not just the fact I'm living with him, he's older than me, he's a threat to the ideal daughter she's built up with her image. Because of him, I won't move back home nor will I go back for family holidays as I'm spending it with him now. It's a control thing for her. It's hard for her to even think that if she calls late, chances are I'm sleeping next to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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