Supposedly, in the land of plenty

[real49]

I posted my very first thread on this site just recently recounting a very painful experience I just had. Now, I'm standing at the cross roads trying to decide which way to go next. It looks bleak as hell.

 

I am 49, single, no prior marriage or children, in good shape, and a little unconventional for someone my age (not conservative). I live in a college town which is great if your in your 20's but after that age, your pretty much on your own in figuring out how to meet people. I feel at this age, your reliant on your friends and associates to assist in connecting with someone - bring other single people into the mix that you might enjoy dating. Most of my friends are a little younger than me and all of them have gotten married, and some have started raising a family. The group dinners, camping trips, and going out on the town have all pretty much dried up as a group and my social outlets have shrank. It seems once your friends marry, they cool their association with single friends. I had hoped that through my friends' wives, they would have single friends for me to meet, but that is not the case - it seems unless a woman is starting to find her marriage a real bore, she'll loose her single friends quicker than their husbands will loose their single friends. I had one male friend get mad at me and wouldn't talk to me for 3 months because I actually started dating someone and told him we would have to arrange in advance our nights for going out and having a beer. People will occasionally mention someone single they know who is attractive, interesting, and blah, blah, blah, but when it gets down to arranging a way to meet this person, it falls through because their too busy with marriage and kids to set something up. But then I get this enormous pressure to go out and date and find someone cause my life is getting shorter, it would help me fit in with all my married friends, etc.. all I have to do is get off my lazy ass. Then comes the big accusation......

 

I'm told that I'm way too picky. That looks mean too much to me, that I'm only interested in young women, on and on.... When they on a rare occasion try to hook me with someone, I most of the time find I'm not attracted to the person. My friends then get mad at me and tell me I'm not giving someone a chance that I'm superficial, etc.. When I do hook with someone, it's usually someone that was agressive about connecting (I'm not good at reading signals from someone, I'm shy, and I'm usually not aware when someone is interested) but, as stated in a prior post, I attract emotionally unstable types that come on aggresively, put me through a whirlwind, and I end up hurt and gun shy.

 

The thing is... I'm not obsessed with an age bracket - I've just been deeply hurt by a woman my age- and yes, I prefer someone in shape, but that's because I put the time in keeping myself in shape because of my hobbie and well, I don't know how I'm suppose to make myself attracted to someone that I'm just not attracted to. I have tried the personal ads twice with no luck. I think I'm clear about what I'm interested in and I get replies from someone who doesn't come close. I did have a girlfriend that I met through an ad but it just didn't work out. She was 11 years younger and hooked with me because she thought I "could help her get in shape". She was fooling herself about wanting to get in shape, she got frustrated with me, we broke up, and she's put on another 30 lbs. Her idea of a good Friday night was lying in her bed with these 2 obese cats jumping all over you. She didn't like going to bars and would not go to parties with me because of her shyness.

 

To be honest, I always thought that I would meet the right one, fall in love, and have children. Instead, I ended up going through about 20 relationships that didn't pan out and a whole lot of one night stands. I'm not a cruel person at all and it's been suggested that "I'm too nice". I don't know what the hell that means. I've gotten to where I'm so gun shy that I find it just more comfortable to stay alone. After an experience like I had, I'm so unsure of my ability to deal with the opposite sex that I can't relax when there is a spark. It was so much easier in my 20's, I didn't have to put effort in meeting anyone... they just came to me and I ran through them getting hurt, or hurting someone else, thinking one day I'll find "love".

 

In my 30's, I did go into extensive counseling about my inability to connect with someone who I had a chance of establishing a relationship with. I don't know if that ever went anywhere... I always feel that I'm at the point where I could handle a mature relationship but it's such an abysmal process... where to go and find someone to date; okay, I like this person but how do I act... aloof, try to not be "too nice"... how do I read the signals.... am I being "too superficial"..... does that red flag mean run like hell..... oh hell, am I in love and about to get hurt again....

 

I had solved the problem in the past by not trying anymore. I had periods of years with no significant female connection. But then my friends start yelling at me, the holdiday season rolls around and I feel like pure hell and I end up with the realization that I'm lonely as hell. Dating at this age is no fun. There is very little "casual" dating. If you go out with someone in their late 30's your scrutinized on your income and ability to support a family... also what your sperm count is. Date someone younger, and you better not fall in love. Date someone older and... well, I just got hurt by someone my age. The fact that I've never been married, or had a long term relationship makes me feel that I never learned some crucial skills in order to do such things. Times when I've been with a woman that is totally devoted to me and it might work, I'm just getting over some creature from hell that has set my excitement level on a higher notch than this poor woman can get to. I start feeling like I'm physically suffocating and I have to leave... usually by totally withdrawing from the person until she's good and hurt and I do what's right and break up with her.

 

I like to think that I'm ready for something, is there still hope for an oddball like me?

[Errol]

Stop falling prey to the comments and pressures that others put upon you. Quit worrying about what others think - you are not their responsibility and their opinions are just that -- Theirs.

 

Relax, be yourself, and be honest with the women you date. Don't ask someone out if you don't want to, just because you think you should. Thats not fair to anyone and what a waste of time, energy and money.

 

If you find someone interesting and want to spend time with them then ask them out. If you recognize in yourself that looks have priority over substance then don't settle, you won't be happy. However, keep an open mind about looks vs. personality too and if you find someone that you think you might be able to have a future with, take some time and really think about this person and how their priorities fit with yours. Look for trouble spots and then decide if this is something you want and can change about yourself. If not, then move on because you can't change anyone else.

 

Do you want to settle for someone just to have a companion and quell the admonitions of your friends, or would you rather find solace and happiness in being single and dating and be able to say with confidence to your friends "I'm happy" ??

 

Find a way to be proud and confident in yourself and use this to help when you are lonely. Join some clubs or volunteer activites for people your own age and/or with similar interests and make some new friends. Through these new friends you may meet some women.