angielt Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hi My husband is in the Navy and has moved back into the barracks, out of our off base apartment. He says that he can see things so much clearer when he is away from me. I told him sometimes I feel like the only reason why he married me was because I got pregnant, and he said that might be true. We have a four year old son together, and when I got pregnant we were living beside my parents, so I think he was afraid that if he didn't marry me, there would be trouble from my parents, plus he says he didn't have anywhere else to go. I told him that before I ever got pregnant that I knew that we loved each other, and he said, yes before you got pregnant I felt like our relationship was going well. He has been telling me for over a month and a half now that he does not love me but cares for me and that he doesnt' know what love is. This same issue came up over a year ago, but he said he just worked everything out with me to keep from hurting me. I told him that we never had time to learn anything about each other, except for sex. He says that sex is all that we have in common, we both love to have sex with each other, but there is nothing else that makes us compatabile to each other. I told him why don't we try to go out together alone and do things together to see if we have any kind of a connection other than a physical connection, and he said we'll see, but I know that he is just telling me that to shut me up. He says that he was not going to put me through this separation for long, that he was going to make up his mind. I feel that he has already made up his mind about us, and that he will probably want a divorce. He said that he needed to find himself first. Before, he was working on a commission to be an officer in the Navy, now he says he doesn't know if he wants to do that anymore or if he even wants to stay in the Navy. He came to the apartment this morning to see our son, and he pulled me into his lap and before you know it we were in bed. I love him, but I don't feel I need to be getting intimate with him, if he has told me that he does not have feelings for me. I don't know, should I be having sex with him, if he feels this way, makes me think that he is just getting what he wants, He told me it was just f*cking to him, it wasn't making love like it is to me. He says he can't feel love for me when we are intimate. I don't understand any of this. But I do feel that he feels he was pressured into marriage. He says that sometimes he just wants a brand new start and start his life over new. This hurts, I don't even understand any of this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 does the Navy offer any sort of marriage/family counselling that you guys can take advantage of? I think it could help the both of you to pinpoint exactly (or force you into identifying) what you want from your relationship while giving you the tools to help improve it and yourselves. Many times I've seen suggestions for Marriage-builders; I have participated in a Marriage Encounter Weekend with my husband. Both help give you tools to keep your marriage working. it sounds like these past couple of years your husband has been second-guessing a lot of his choices but doesn't have the proper "equipment" to help him think things through, so he suffers these crises. To be honest, I think many marriages go through this stage, though to different degrees. Getting in touch with a counsellor (through the Navy, from the phone book or even through your church) will help the both of you a lot, even if you feel hesitant to get a third party involved. I hope that the two of you find a way to successfully communicate so that you can work on your marriage. quank Link to post Share on other sites
angielt Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I told him that he needs to talk to someone about all these issues and suggested the chaplain on base, he said he would go, but he hasn't yet, and that has been almost 2 weeks ago since we talked out that. He said that marriage counseling was not going to help him. He says that he needs that kind of love that you know when it is there without a shadow of a doubt. So I can't make him love me if he can't feel it for me, this has been bothering him for almost 2 years, probably ever since our son was born. I hate the waiting for him to tell me what he wants to do. He just sent me this e-mail: I am sorry that I just keep hurting you. You are a good person and I shouldn't be doing you the way I am. Don't think I haven't been trying because I have for a very long time. I am tired..I need a break and thats why I am away. This I know hurts, but i can't help but want to be happy. I am not going to agg you on anymore. So always prepare for the worst. Thats what I want you to do for me. He sounds sincere, but that does not help my feelings any, he is a good man, I just wish that he could find the feelings for me that he once had. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 my theory is that you can be part of the problem, or be part of the solution. And it sounds like he prefers right now to wallow in his problems, while you're at the solution stage. Until he reaches that point, there isn't a whole lot you can do to convince him otherwise. In the meantime, find someone there who can counsel you to help you through this more effectively, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. So I can't make him love me if he can't feel it for me true, but there are times when we can't see that love is an ever-evolving thing, that it stretches and changes shape as your needs change ... maybe he's relying on a "fixed" definition, rather than a fluid one? People tend to be resistant to change -- even if it's for the better -- because they're afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
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