telling the wife

[jennie-jennie]

If he couldn't be faithful to all of them, he shouldn't have signed onto the marriage in the first place.

 

Which is exactly the reason why my MM and I will never get married. He has now realized he should not have gotten married in the first place. Marriage is not for him. But it is too late to do anything about that.

 

I told him as late as today that he is living a hypocritical life. He goes to church although he no longer believes, he is married although his primary love relationship is no longer with his wife. His answer was "Have to be a hypocrite now." He had to rush off to church, before we could talk more, but I believe he meant that for now this is all he is capable of.

 

Candoit, there are a lot of reformed other women here on LS. You know like the smoker who stopped smoking and now is going on about the dangers of smoking. They are easily confused with betrayed spouses, since they tend to have the same opinions as them.

[BB07]

Candoit I understand your pain and your anger. What you did with it, well that probably wasn't the wisest choice, but it's done now and you can't take it back. All you can do is move on in your life and try to heal and get yourself in a better place.

 

To the posters in this thread who seem intent on beating her down.......I've got this to say. When someone posts here, we get a one sided, one dimensional view of the situation, there isn't any way that we'll ever get the whole story, nor do we know how the other people involved feel. It's not unusual to be posting here because the poster is in a lot of pain and very angry and sometimes denial. It may even be that the day they post is one of the worst days of their life and things won't look nearly as bleak tomorrow. Also what we write down sometimes does not come across as intended sometimes and the person reading it puts their own life experience and interpretation into it also.

 

A little more kindness and understanding, never hurt anyone.

[Samantha0905]

 

A little more kindness and understanding, never hurt anyone.

 

So true!!

[jennie-jennie]

Some of us have referred to "some" of you because it's not all about you! You are not the only one here with your beliefs, and when we refer only to you, you are all to quick to point that out.

 

Originally Posted by jthorne

"Jennie is different. That list is the norm, trust me"

 

Originally posted by jennie-jennie

"Is that true? Am I different than other OW? Only in that my mindset, how I look at my situation, is different, I believe. From what I can see Fallen Angel has taken on the same mindset as me lately, and is now also content with her situation.

 

And what about White Flower? She recently had a Dday, and after that decided to step back and not be the OW anymore while her MM goes through therapy, but (correct me if I am wrong) before that she had a long term relatively happy relationship with her MM, I believe.

 

There are other websites for OW, where there are tons of OW who say they are in happy relationships with their MM. They just prefer not to post on LS. No wonder since the norm here is that NC is the Holy Grail. "

 

Apparently it is the above interaction between jthorne and I that jthorne is referring to. I can not see those replies as relevant in the discussion here about quoting the posts we are replying to. In the above posts I was only pointing out that I was not alone with my mindset, I was not protesting about being singled out and referred to.

 

Sorry, candoit, for the threadjack.

[OWoman]

Ok, so the MM is having sex only with the OW. SO WHAT. There's sexual exclusivity. SO WHAT. At the end of the day, he still goes home to the wife. His marriage is what keeps the MM and the OW from having an exclusive relationship, which we all know is more than sex.

 

Perhaps not - perhaps he goes home TO HIS KIDS. Or to his dogs, his garden, his study, his elderly parents... any of the myriad other ties that keep him there. Perhaps in some cases it's his W he returns to; certainly in some other cases it's not.

[OWoman]

I don't believe a single MM is exclusive with JUST the OW.

 

My H was.

 

He of course will tell the OW that, but since she isn't in the bedroom of the man and wife, she really has no idea what is going on. She has no idea if they make love, if they hold hands, if they kiss, if they touch, if they show intimacy with each other. She can only go by what is told to her

 

OTC. There are all kinds of other forms of evidence to be drawn on.

 

Such as...

 

* medical records

* separate bedrooms

* eyewitness evidence from visitors who stay over with the MM and his family

* accounts from close friends, extended family etc

* other behavioural / physiological clues

* things the BW grumbles about to others

* emails that the BW sends to the MM

etc etc etc

 

Honestly, the OW does not live in some hermetic bubble secluded from the rest of the world. We can be linked in, integrated into his life in all kinds of ways. Just because a particular OW is treated like a disposable dishrag by her MM doesn't mean that's how it works for everyone.

[Got it]

OWoman, I totally agree. I knew why and for whom he was going home to and I knew more about his life than his wife did. People can argue however they want but each relationship is different and I never had a doubt what he was doing at all times of the day. It isn't like we weren't talking 24/7.

 

And contrary to popular belief here, the OW SOMETIMES kicks the MM out to go home so she can do her thing. Our lives don't just sit and wait for when MM is in it.

[Fallen Angel]

-------------------------

 

Don't tell her .. It will accomplish Nothing.. If you are lucky enough to not be pregnant, you are lucky enough .. If you are pregnant, I hope you will have the baby ..

 

Personally, I think that All mm who have affairs, are enjoying having their cake and eat it too.. No matter how much they love their wives - having the other woman, makes the marriage even better .. they are being even more fulfilled - and draw closer to their wives because of it .. Taking away your relationship is the Best you can do ..

 

Insert very confused face here****

[Fallen Angel]

I agree with the others, I don't see the OP as a victim like she likes to claim.

 

Unless the man is divorced or even legally separated, married is married to me. Many OW believe these lying men when they claim their marriage to be over, only to find out, it never really was.

 

And while some claim you can't promise love, I disagree. I did promise love, twice. The first time, that love didn't last. I am doing everything in my power to nurture and grow the love I promised the 2nd time.

 

I also promised fidelity, honesty and commitment.

 

I think this is one of those things ... how does that saying go "those that can be monogamous, marry; those that can't, don't." I think some like to throw around that they don't believe in something because to do so, it would show they aren't happy with a situation. But if given half the chance, they would jump at the chance to marry the object of their desire. But because that object isn't making any move to end his CURRENT marriage, it is easier to say they don't believe in it ....

 

As someone who has been married, I much prefer it to being single. I would never live with someone without marriage, just not something I believe in. If I am going to be in a committed relationship, I want to be committed all the way.

 

It goes back to what OWoman has said numerous times in several threads in this forum, women have to demand respect from anyone they date. If you are going to settle with being an OW, then you don't get to complain that they are married. If you don't set the tone at the start of the relationship and allow yourself to not be a priority, well......

 

I also don't believe any OW can be exclusive with a married man, or should I say, I don't believe a single MM is exclusive with JUST the OW. He of course will tell the OW that, but since she isn't in the bedroom of the man and wife, she really has no idea what is going on. She has no idea if they make love, if they hold hands, if they kiss, if they touch, if they show intimacy with each other. She can only go by what is told to her, by the guy she knows has lied. (unless his wife is full aware of his affair).

 

You are right, I only know what he tells me, and he has never told me he and his wife are not sexually involved. He has never promised me that he will not have sex with her. But he has often said things like "I haven't kissed anyone since I last kissed you." or if I comment about it being a long time since we have had sex he says "It has been just as long for me." Could he be lying? Sure. Do I think he is? No. Why? Because he has no reason to lie to me.

 

Also, I, like other people here have more connections to his life than just what he tells me. I know other people who know his life and who see firsthand the relationship (or lack thereof) between him and his wife. (And who can and have verified where he sleeps *smile* also, i am allowed to call him anytime I desire 24 hrs a day even when he is at his house. Him answering my calls at 2 am and telling me that he loves and misses me tends to reinforce the idea that he is not laying next to his wife when he answers his phone.) Perhaps though, as you say, it is different in my case, since his wife is aware of our relationship.

 

.

[moaningmyrtle]

... Perhaps though, as you say, it is different in my case, since his wife is aware of our relationship.

 

.

 

 

I recently asked you about this and you said (as I recall) that although his wife had caught him communicating with you, he "gaslighted" her and either told her there was no A or alternatively told her that the A was well and truly over (sorry I don't remember which). Is this still the situation or has something changed in the last few weeks?

 

If nothing has changed, and he still lies and pretends to his wife, that nothing is going on with you then it's not really accurate to say that she is aware of your relationship as if she's aware that it's ongoing.

[NoIDidn't]

Another interesting thread.

 

So now, the same posters that say telling the W is poor taste, are now defending a poster that displayed such.

 

Telling the W when you don't get what you want out of the A is always poor taste, if you ask me.

 

And encouraging immature behavior is just as bad.

[OWoman]

So now' date=' the same posters that say telling the W is poor taste, are now defending a poster that displayed such.[/quote']

 

I've not seen anyone changing tack on this thread ?

 

I maintain that kissing-and-telling is tacky IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE (well, I'd make an exception of the person who discovers after the event that they have some communicable disease that could put someone else at risk - in which case the potential costs of not telling would outweigh the moral costs of telling, IMO) but this thread has moved on from whether or not to tell. The OP has told. That's a done deal. The issue now is dealing with fall-out. And yes, the OP is entitled to support on that (or any other issues). Life isn't just one big "I told you so!"

[OWoman]

OWoman, I totally agree. I knew why and for whom he was going home to and I knew more about his life than his wife did. People can argue however they want but each relationship is different and I never had a doubt what he was doing at all times of the day. It isn't like we weren't talking 24/7.

 

And contrary to popular belief here, the OW SOMETIMES kicks the MM out to go home so she can do her thing. Our lives don't just sit and wait for when MM is in it.

 

 

Amen to that!!