ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hi, I'm new and dunno where to post this. I'm looking for some advice. I'm married and have been for some time. My marriage is also in jeopardy, as it has been for awhile. There is no emotional relations between the H and me. I gave him a few months, then I am asking him to leave. I've never been unfaithful, never will be, but he has done things to hurt the marriage. Now here's where I need the advice: There is a guy that I'm seriously into. We flirt all the time, yes, even in front of H. ( He does, why can't I? ) Before even talking about why I'm so into this guy, lemme ask you guys out there, how can a gal tell if you are into her for more than just sex? When I need someone he's always there. He listens, makes me laugh and smile, and I HATE leaving him. There was one time he was trying to console me and it got kinda intense and we *almost* kissed. I felt guilty and left right away and have never allowed myself to be so close to him again, not while alone. I'm there for him just as much as I can be. I've helped him thru alot. Everytime we see each other, the other's face lights up. See... and I can't ask him how he feels... he's related to the H and no it's not his brother. Can I tell without asking him directly? Is there something I can look for before making a baboon outta myself? Any help is appreciated. Thanks... Phantom Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Wow.. this is a tough one. How are those two related? That is an important question. Are those two close to each other? There are alot of questions that haven't been answered yet. How long have you two been married? What problems are you having exactly? What have you two done to try to fix things (ie. counciling, etc)? Do you love your husband? Before anyone can give any advice, you need to get into more details about your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 Wow, OK, I didn't realize anyone would look for background info: Been married 8 years. Problems we are having: He's never around, very materialistic, very selfish, not there for me or the kids, he acts like he doesn't care at all, about any of us. Tried speaking with him many times, he's not interested. This time, I gave him a few months, said we need to fix it or let it go. So far, he's decided to let it go. ( I'm not kidding when I say he's not there when needed, had a recent experience where they thought I had cancer and I had 5 years... he did nothing for me to comfort me or help me do anything! He brushed it off as if it were no big deal! ) Next.. uhh.. trying to remember your other questions... are they close? No, not at all, they barely even say hello, he's like that with his brother too tho.. dunno why. Uhh... Guy is his Uncle... only a 9 year diff between him and I. And I know for a fact, lately he hasn't thought to kindly of his nephew. Now I'm not looking to cheat. Just wondering what I'm supposed to think about this. I do love my H, just not in the way I thought we used to love each other. Usually it's odd, and uncomfortable and quiet between me and the H. Did I miss anything? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 No, you didn't miss anything. Sounds like you love your husband, but not in love with him. There is a big difference. For a relationship to work, you need to love, be in love, communication, trust, and commitment. Has he always been this way? Was there an event that caused all of this to trigger? More importantly do you really want to work things out with him? If not, then you know the next step. Some people will wait until they find someone else to let go of the person they are with. If you are going to leave you husband do it for you, and knowing the relationship is not worth saving. Don't do it to be with his uncle. Even though this other guy makes you seem very happy you need to right now push him out of the picture while you answer those questions. Did you feel this way before having feelings for this other guy? I'm not a councilor, just someone who's been through alot so take my advice with a grain of salt. But if you truly want to get out of this marriage, then do so. But do it with the intention that you want to make yourself happy. Don't rely on this other guy to make you happy. How long have you really known this other guy? I won't make a judgement whether or not he just wants you for sex, since I don't know him. But if he's been around for a year and supporting & treating you like this then its probably safe to say he sees you more than just a fling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hi again, I thank you for taking the time to even look at this! The hubby thing started after I got pregnant with our first child. In his eyes, right or wrong, I got fat and that was that. I went from a 6 to a 10. Not a huge jump, but obviously enough. He's very shallow. I care very much for him, as I think he cares for me. Trust, that's another issue to. I have some reason to think he's sneaking around, but have yet to confirm, therefore try to overlook it. he has no idea how to communicate at all. I've tried, everything I know, he can't even be sympathetic to other people during times of stress for them. I think in order for him to realize what he has, he has to loose it. I know, it's an old saying, but I think its true. I'd like to work things out, I've been very generous with my time, so many chances he's said, so many broken promises, it's hard to beleive his word. Leaving him isn't stemming from the other guy, it's just me. I have felt this way before the other guy. It was the other guy I was able to confide in about 6 years or so ago. He's been around as long. I think maybe I should be on my own for awhile. I wouldn't be looking for a relationship right away anyway. It's just really hard to walk away from so many years. I was curious as to what you thought because I've never been the really pretty type and seeing how my hubby has treated me, I've lost a lot of self-esteem. He just seem SO outta my league. And I love the way I feel around him. We both give each other something we are missing. Another thing about him is that we share telepathic dreams. They are not sexual, just very emotional. We are connected on another level, and yes, I'm too chicken to ask him of this too. Yet he gives me ideas that he knows without my saying it. I guess, I just feel really lost right now. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I think being on my own may help me get back to being me, I have kind of forgot who I am. It's hard to remember how to smile at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Well if you are this depressed about the situation with your husband, and you tried everything you could then I would recommend leaving him. Seems like you have your head on straight, and I know how someone you care about deeply can inflict deep wounds, and make your self-confidence go way down. That'll increase once you leave the situation. Once you leave just be prepared for him saying the things you have been wanting to hear. Take them with a grain of salt, because they have no meaning behind them. When that time comes, just remember if he truly meant it, he would've said it along time ago. Not sure of your financial situation, but I would think he's the one that should move out. Just set short-term goals for yourself, which will bring up your self-confidence. Sounds like this other guy is a good match for you. I doubt he's in it for just the sex since you've known him for six years. If you want to pursue something further with him, talk to him about it. That doesn't mean you have to have sex right away. That's totally upto you. Good luck & let us know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThePhantomsLight Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 You strike me. You are very wise on this matter, have you been here before? I thank you for not thinking I"m a nut, I am a good person, and I try hard not to disappoint. This however, has been... painful for me. I'm proud to say, I've caught onto the false words. He will be unable to repeat them this time, otherwise, I will dissapoint myself, falling for that trap again. As far as this other guy... thanks. I may have to let him know what I'm thinking, although, I think he already knows. He's so flippin' mysterious. He knows things, lets me know that he knows, and then questions me on it as if he doesn't know. I hope you are right in saying that my confidence will return. Without, I fear that I will live a miserable life. You have been much help to me. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I feel for you. I was in a relationship with a man who stole my self esteem as well once. It does take alot to get it back, but you will. You need to realize with or without him, you will survive. You are worth it. As far as the other guy, I advise not going there. I mean its his Uncle. Not a good situation. Plus, it does seem as though you need time, just to get to know yourself again. Sometimes we lose ourselves when we give so much of our time to the person we are with. Get to know yourself again. You are part of a couple, but you are a person too. The best thing you can do is love yourself. You also need to realize the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If you do not stay with your husband take time for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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