confused about everything

[Bill]

I'm 35 and have been involved with Jeff, 21, for the past 5 months. It has never been my intention or desire to become involved with a younger man. I'm just to easy. I had Jeff move in with 5 days. I felt for him for many reasons. Basically, we've had a pretty decent relationship. Though Jeff has a drinking problem. While he has been with me, I've demanded that he drink no more than two nights a week. And a limit of six beer. The reason being is because he becomes overly dramatic, emotional and arguementive under the influence. I would estimate that out of every ten times he drank, we fought at least half of the time. I will admit that it has very hard to deal with. I do not drink. This past Monday was the worse fight ever. I felt so angry and so pushed, I said something very cruel to hurt him. I told him that I never loved him and that I've never been attracted. I stood there and watched him crumble before my eyes in pain. He lashed out and swung at me, as a result. I swear on my life I never meant it. I apologized over and over for saying so. He never once, even during fighting, ever said such a thing to me. Despite the pain the drinking has caused, he always said he loved me. I do love him. The next day he called out from work and called me to say he neede time to think. That he was goig back home, 3 hours away, for a few days. I begged him not to leave without giving us the chance to make it right between us. I hurt him severly. He said that he loved me, but that I was selfish for not giving him some time. So I let him go. I even gave him my new truck to go in. Then that evening he called me to say hi. He told me he loved me. I continued to be very cruel, because I was so hurt. I said why are you calling me. If you need to be away from me to think, then why are you calling me? I didn't feel I needed the time away. He asked if he could call me later, and I again said why? Well he told me loved me anyway, and then I never heard from him until 24 hour later. He was supposed to be gone for just the night and next morning. Well he never called and he never showed up for work. I was worried sick and very fearful that I had lost him. Then I got a phone message that he was bringing my truck back and moving back home. I was devestated. I began frantically calling his mother, who wasn't sure what he was doing. She was very upset with what he was doing. She called him names and said I was better off. His friend Sharon said she had only seen him for a few minutes the night before. His friend Joe said he was coming back to get his car with his new boyfriend, Corey. I freaked. I paced for four hours until he returned with my truck, this guy corey and hickey's on his neck. He was cold and distant. He said I was to controlling. I admit to being in order to save our relationship, because of his inabiliy to emotionally handle the beer. I begged him to come home. After a two hour conversation, I was told this kid Corey already had a boyfriend and simply rode with Jeff for moral support. Turns out Corey was Joe's cousin (Jeff's friend Joe). I would not let jeff take the car. Although he purchsed it for $250, I paid for the repairs, It was titled in my name and I was paying the insurance. I begged him to come home, that I was sorry. He agreed and left all his belongings with me. The only thing he left with was his driver's license and the outfit he was wearing. He said he did love me and just needed the time to think, that he knew he had a problem. So I let him take the car under the condition that it be back by noon Saturday, 7/1/2000, or I was reporting it stolen. I didn't want to do that. But Jeff needed to understand that he had been sharing this car with my parents. This is why I gave him this ultimatum. He said he would call me, and didn't. His friend Joe called to start more lies. Ithen treathened him with you have Jeff call me now or I'm calling the police now. I'm a ##### wreck. What's going on? As of last night he still claims he loves me with all his heart and is coming home to me tomorrow (Saturday). Then he puts his step dad on the phone who ask me for a time extenstion. He said he would personaly drive the car up to me Monday night. I said why, Jeff says he's coming home to me. Then Jeff tells me again that he is. That his father didn't know because he hadn't talk to him in a couple of days. This obviously is not true. Because it had just been 24 hours earlier that we mad the deal about the car. He would had to have asked his father to follow him up and bring him home, after he told me he was coming home. I begged Jeff to just be honest. That don't be afraid that I will have you arrested for stealing the car just because you, in fact, don't want to come home to me. He insisted that he wasn't just trying not to hurt me. I told him that if in fact you are keeping the truth from me, that Saturday I will find out anyway. Please don't lead me on... This is where I stand. I'm so confused as to what is happening here. What can I do?

[Taressa]

The trouble with playing the parent in a romantic relationship is that sooner or later your partner feels the need to grow up and stop feeling controlled.

 

You've moved into some pretty heavy codependency, playing the one who controls his drinking problem. I know you care for him and admire your desire to help but I'm afraid you've just been a crutch that hasn't helped him overcome his problems.

 

Relationship wise, I believe its best to back off quickly. True love from you would not have lashed out so severely in the fight that initiated the current situation. True love from him would not have reacted so drastically by the apparent cheating (you said hickies) and car theft. It's not love you're sharing.

 

About your car, since it is titled in your name you certainly could follow legal procedures to get it back. You said, however, that Jeff made the purchase. Stop using the car as a playing card in the relationship. For $250 (initial purchase price), it's just not worth the hassle it has been to you.

 

Say bye to the car and to Jeff. Your house will seem lonely at first but maybe the sound of peace will grow on you.