worriedinside Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 my bo and I have been together bout 9 mnths and we are 21 and 22 and our sex life has been great until 2months ago he has been distant with me seems kind of like he doesn't want to make love to me anymore ! Which by the way is starting to give me a complex although he says that it is not me it is just that we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship ! But anyway so about 2 wks ago he starts a new job where he has to get up at like 4am and get ready so he is going 2 bed at like 9pm we live 2 gether so this is sometime frustrating but I am ok with it! Any way I got up at like 11p.m. one nite cuz i needed something to drink and he wasn't there by me ? So I walked through the living area and there he was on a porn site jacking off Ahhh not that I care about that cuz I find it interesting and have participated in activites as such my prob is I begged him to make love to me earlier that evening and he said no cuz he was too tired ! Then last nite i was butt ass naked laying next to him trying to initiate sex and he turned me down again! Can anyone shed some light on this for me ! I don't know how to take this! Is it me ? Is it him? Is it someone else ? He blames this on our fights and also The fact we thought I could have been pregnant and he said that was on his mind so he would rather jack-off than have sex w/me cuz he was all tore up over the fact I could be ! Please help I don't know where to turn ! Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Worried, I feel for you. I've been in your position many times with the H. Have you tried talking to him about it, and letting it all out, literally? If he doesn't understand that it's really an issue for you, than he won't stop ignoring you for his right hand friend. I walked out on the H a few times over this. He didn't get it till I tried to withhold for awhile. Which is very difficult for me as I need to be very active. LOL I wish you luck!! Phantom Link to post Share on other sites
will_woman Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I am sorry to hear that. But I presume your bf starts to shift his love away.....that's the ugly truth. It turned out to be true for my case. Before I found out he has a woman outside, he always told me he's tired. Despite how I initiated, he also said he is tired and tried to turn away. Initially, I thought he is really tired after work. But I was very wrong. The truth was out later.......... I think when a man refuse to make love with a woman, his heart has already flown away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedinside Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO HIM BUT HE ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME DAMN THING HE IS TIRED OR WE HAVE BEEN IN A FIGHT AND HE DOESN'T LIKE HAVING SEX AFTER A BIG FIGHT HIS MIND JUST ISN'T ON SEX AND COULD CARE LESS ABOUT SEX HE WOULD RATHER JUST JACK OFF WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS GOING ON CAUSE IT ONLY TAKES HIM ABOUT 2 MIN ! HIS ANSWERS NEVER CHANGE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT IT REALLY! Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Is your relationship in any other danger outside of this one?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedinside Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I REALLY DON'T THINK SO ! I HAVE SNOOPED BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE HIS E-MAIL ACCT WAS LOGGED ON AND I LOOKED SO I KNOW HE CHATS AND STUFF BUT I AM FINE WITH STUFF LIKE THAT I JUST DON'T LIKE FEELING LIKE HE IS PUTTING THIS PORN AND CHATTING BEFORE OUR MAKING LOVE ! I HAVE REALLY TRIED LATELY TO MAKE SURE THINGS ARE OK BECAUSE OF THIS STUFF AND I FEEL LIKE IT IS ONE SIDED BECAUSE HE SAYS THERE IS NO PROB. I JUST CANT SEE ME LYING THERE BUT ASS NAKED AND TURNING ME DOWN IS THIS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS OFTEN TO OTHER WOMEN? I JUST DON'T GET IT! Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 LOL Worried you made me smile, thank you. Unfortunately, yes, this is something that happens to a lot of women, men too. I'm part of another group as well, and I could not beleive how many PEOPLE have this problem. I have yet to find someone who actually had a decent explanation. So far, and I'm not saying that this is you, but it's usually a loss of love in the relationship or it's a cheating situation. I'm not saying you should snoop, but are there any other outward signs that could be talking to you?? Any odd dreams or anything? Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I think these guys who turn down REAL women, whom they supposedly love, for porn, have serious serious issues with intimacy. It's NOT YOU. There is something wrong with HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedinside Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 phantom, I totally understand what you are saying and thank-you. I always said that he would never cheat on me, but man this is really what is in the back of my mind I have all his passwords to his cell ph,emails,and messenger. I have tried to stay out of his stuff but there was a time when i found where he chatted to some girls but never really said anything that was out of line, so I never said anything. How should I go about this now ? I could leave and move back in with a room mate but I am not sure what good that would do . What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Worried, So this has been something you've thought about as well. I would sit down and flat out tell him everything that you've posted. How you feel about the whole situation and that if he can't work through it, and it's definitley hurting your relationship that you have to leave. Put the urgency in there. The hardest thing here is staying strong for you. I know you can walk into it going I can do this, he can't break me. But it's SO easy for them. I never thought have the separation conversation would be so hard, and I almost got sucked back in by his empty promises. You need to do what your heart is telling you is right and stick to it. It doesn't sound to me like he is intending to fix the problem, yet he is more like... ignoring it. I feel for you, and anytime you need to talk, I'm here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedinside Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 THANK YOU PHANTOM I AM SURE THAT I WILL NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO THINK I HAVE DUG WAY TO DEEP INTO THIS ISSUE I HOPE WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT I AM JUST NOT SURE AT THIS POINT I HAVE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND THIS HAPPENED I WAS REALLY YOUNG ( I STILL AM) I HAD TO BREAK IT THEN AND MAYBE I WILL HAVE TO BREAK IT NOW WHO KNOWS ! I JUST KNOW I WANT TO STOP FEELING INSECURE ABOUT MYSELF. YOU KNOW IT IS NOT FAIR FOR SOMEONE TO DO THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON YA KNOW? Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I can understand that. You know, good thing you said something, he is also young no? Not that being young is a bad thing, I'm not old myself, but maybe that is it, you know, you guys are still young and aren't ready to stick to each other? I dunno where that came from LOL Sometimes I look too deep too. I don't think it's fair of him to treat you as such either. Men will tell you that you are looking to deep, but if we were to withhold from them and come out with... I'm tired.... we are the pain in their butts and it's a huge deal. But he wouldnt' appreciate it would he? I think right now the best thing for you to do is to flat out tell him everything. I hope for your sake he understands better than mine does!! Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 My husband did the same thing to me for TOO long! That ass had the nerve to say the reason he looked at porn was because I only had sex when I wanted too. That's bull...I think I turned him down one time our entire marriage. My husband would get the mood going by grabbing my hand and putting it on his thing. I was then coaxed to get him up. Once he was up, he wanted me to get on top and do all the work. All this after he's done absolutely nothing to get me worked up. So I turned him down. He started looking at porn, and blaming me. Finally, I bought a dildo, and told him if he wasn't going to do something for me, then I was going to look out for myself. Honestly, our sexual relationship improved a LOT after I purchased a sex toy. I don't know if it's because he realized that I didn't need him, if he realized that he didn't have to put any effort into sex because I had outside help, or if the dildo made him so horny he couldn't resist me Besides the dildo, I worked very hard to learn patience. My husband is the type that when something agrivates him, he gets really mad really quick, says something he doesn't mean, or breaks something, then calms down just as fast...at no point was he angry at me, just frusterated at something else...like accidently knocking a plant off a table would frusterate someone. I used to throw a fit every time he got angry, so we ended up fighting non-stop! I started learning to just let him throw his little fit...as long as he didn't break any of my things. Why should I get mad? Get mad because he's mad? That's stupid....although he still gets angry when I get mad at inatimite objects. Anyway, back to the point. Maybe you and your guy are putting too much stress on yourselves. I know that once I started trying to be more patient with the husband, he started responding more to me. Let me put a little story out there * Saturday, I paraded around in sexy lingerie. I did things that I knew would turn any guy on. Then, I calmed down, and spooned with my husband. I asked him to kiss me, and he said he would after he took a shower (he had just come home from work, and was kind of grody) He hurried off to the shower, and got clean. While he was gone, I put a porn movie in the vcr, and pulled one up on the computer. When He came back to the living room after a shower, he had movies everywhere he looked, and me. We started to make love, but he kept getting soft! I don't know what was wrong. Finally, he got frusterated, and just gave up. My husband looks at porn every stinkin time that I am gone and he's home. If I go shopping, he looks at porn. If I visit my mom, he looks at porn. It never fails! Sunday night, though, we went to bed early, and he wanted me very badly. We made very satisfying love. Go figure. My porn addicted husband, who chose porn over me for months, couldn't keep an erection with the porn all over the place, but in the comfort of our bed he was a tiger! When my husband and I were arguing all the time, he never made a move on me, and couldn't even get turned on by me. I would find porn on the computer daily. Now that we're getting along, however, he seems to want me more and more, and the porn less and less. Maybe your guy is telling you EXACTLY what's wrong! You guys just aren't getting along. Some men need emotion to get going, while some men just need a naked body. I know the first few times your guy turnes you down is extremely painful, but you have to realize that you're not the only woman this happens to. I was BAFFLED the first time my husband turned me down. I had never been turned down before. It's not me by any means. It's something wrong with him. Men are very sensitive about themselves and their performance. Saturday, when my husband stopped, and stormed off angrily because he'd gone soft, my first thought was that I wasn't satisfying him, so he got mad at me, and left. Then I realized how rediculous that is. I got dressed, and came back to the living room, to find him on the couch watching sports. He happily asked me if I would go get us something to eat. I said I would, then laid down beside him and gave him a big hug. He sadly said, "I kept going soft." I said, "Well, I'm VERY satisfied...you're an amazing lover." He shook his head no...I felt aweful for him. I gave him a kiss, and told him that I loved him. Then, I started scratching his forehead *His favorite place to be rubbed*. When there is too much stress in a relationship, making love becomes difficult..even for men. Once the newness has worn off, and your left with responsibilities and an angry woman, affection often goes out the window. My husband didn't love me any less because he was whacking off to porn, and not making love to me. He still got up early on his day off to cook me breakfast before I went to work. He still cooked me dinner 3 times a week. He still did the dishes. He still brought home a paycheck that he put in our shared account. He still kissed me goodbye with an "I love you" every morning. Don't base your guy's love on sex. He's probably sincerely not feeling close to you right now..that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. *shared secret* The past week or so, I'd actually rather use my dildo than make love.....at least in 2 minutes my needs are met, and I don't have to worry about meeting his needs Sometimes, worrying about your partner's needs is too stressful. If you don't satisfy them, you'll feel guilty. They'll feel frusterated. If you don't have the energy to keep going, but you go on any way, both are frusterated. It takes a good actor to act like they are enjoying working on their partner, when they'd rather just roll over and go to sleep. If you are working to get your partner finished, but you aren't enjoying it, then it takes them longer, because they know you are doing it out of obligation, and not joy, which makes them want to stop, and then both parties end up unsatisfied and frusterated. Sometimes, it's just easier to look at dirty women and use your hand than to try and get in a meaningful love session. One more though: You were laying next to him naked at 9p.m., and he was whacking off at 11! You go girl!!! Poor guy was too tired to make love, but you made him sooooo horny, that he couldn't sleep, so rather than making love for 30 minutes, and then being so energized that he couldn't get a good nights sleep, he went to the living room for 2 minute relief from the turmoil that you put him in, so he could get to sleep without having wild dreams about you! P.S. My husband gets up for work between 2:30and 4 a.m. every morning too. I would venture to say that the lack of sleep has a LOT to do with their sex drives......my husband is VERY frisky on the weekends Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 http://www.sexinfo101.com/cgi-bin/ikonboard/ikonboard.cgi?;act=ST;f=3;t=1811 go to: SexInfo101 Message Board » MEMBERS FORUMS » PLEASING HIM » If men get sex frequently, Posted by Mike... Of course masturbating for guys doesn't always mean that you're in the mood for sex. Like if I'm laying in bed with an erection poking the mattress, most of the time I just want the thing to go away so I can sleep, but after 15 or 20 min of waiting you just get sick of it and go masturbate to get rid of it. that sounds ligical to me...in fact this actually HAPPENED to me the other day. I was trying to sleep, but all I could think about was sex...I WAS SO HORNY. I didn't feel like working on a 30 minute love session, so I grabbed my dildo, went to the living room, got rid of my frusteration, went back to bed, and finally went to sleep! I say your boyfriend's new working hours is 90% of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetlady Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Girl, that is some messed up ****. I dont have any idea of what could be the problem. The only thing I can say is he must be gay, especially if ya'll were in the bed ass-naked. He got to be crazy. It should be the girl acting like this. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 He blames this on our fights and also The fact we thought I could have been pregnant and he said that was on his mind so he would rather jack-off than have sex w/me cuz he was all tore up over the fact I could be ! P You gave us 3 reasons for your bf's loss of libido (with you, apparently not internet porn): stress and fatigue caused by new job and different schedules; fights; and , he thought you were pregnant. Alone or together these reasons sound like they could be at the root of your bf's loss of interest. My concern is that this may not just be about sex. Rather, it may show a rejection of intimacy with you. He does appear to be rejecting you. The reasons are unclear. He's young and the possibility of your pregnancy could have spooked him if he's not ready for added responsibility. This is especially true if you have been fighting. If he persists in giving you the cold shoulder, jacking-off to porn and telling you there are no problems, you may consider getting out. Also, you don't want to get pregnant with a guy who acts as if he does not want to be your bf, let alone the father of your child. Protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I like April Fool's post the most. I think that's an example of one partner adapting to another, which is crucial to a strong intimate relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I hope it's a sexual adaptation issue, amerikajin. My gut, however, tells me that more, much more, is most likely going on here. Sometimes sex is the problem. Other times, sex issues are mere symptoms of something more serious. If all it takes is a dildo, then I'll be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
NavionPilot Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Sweetlady, No, men do turn down sex. Why do you think only the woman allowed to do this? If I'm not in the mood then I'm not in the mood. It could be a number of reasons. a) tired. b) fight. c) her bad attitude that day and I'm pissed off at her. Later, Dive / Fly / Ride Safe -Rob Link to post Share on other sites
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