Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

[ThatAngelGirl]

Hi all,

My ex and I have been apart for a couple months now. He left because he said he wasn't happy. Please read my previous posts for more details.

 

A week after we split he started seeing "Sarah". He told me she's a very nice person and swore he wasn't seeing her while we were together. Since it's only been a matter of weeks since he left us, it doesn't matter, it still hurts but I'm trying to be mature about everything.

 

This past weekend, he had the kids at his house overnight. I knew they'd be meeting her but he didn't tell me she was spending the night. Personally, I would never move another man in with my children so quickly. I don't know how to approach him on the subject. He also made it a point to tell me how well my son took to her. He told me they played so well together and he was always on her lap.. so on and so forth. It seriously made me sick to my stomach thinking of someone else playing mommy to my little boy.

 

They've been together for less than 2 months and she's already practically moved in with him. I don't like the idea of my kids getting very close to her when I really don't think their relationship is going to last. So it's a couple nights a month, I tell myself, MAYBE I'm being unreasonable and selfish but dammit, those are my kids.Should I have any say in the matter? I realize I can't control what goes on in his house but we're talking about my children, my world. I don't want to see them dealing with anymore than they already are.

 

My daughter told me "Sarah" was hugging and kissing on him and she saw her helping him put his shirt on. It makes me wonder how much more she saw or will see. Do you know what I'm saying? They had been sleeping in bed with him and the two older boys were on the sofa when they spent the night at his place but since "Sarah" was there, all 4 of them slept on the little sofa bed because their dad had "Sarah" in bed with him.

 

If you're wondering if I'm jealous, I am somewhat because we haven't been apart that long and he's told me he still loves me BUT jealousy isn't the issue here. I am wondering how I should handle the whole situation. Should I say something to him about her spending the night while the kids are there or do I even have a right to? If you think I'm overreacting, don't hesitate to tell me.

[InLoKo]

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. It's completely understandable and there are lot of emotions all being tested by this situation.

 

However, I don't think you have any rights as to whether his new g/f is present or not. He is their father. How would you feel if, when you get a new b/f, your ex starts dictating to you who you can and can't have in your house with the children present? I think you are going to have to bite your lip. If it doesn't last, as you believe, you can be very smug in thinking I told you so.

[ThePhantomsLight]

I have to say, hats off to you for coming across so calm about it all. Yes, very mature indeed.

 

If I were you, I'd be very upset. No one is going to play mommy to my kids. Another woman can be their friend fine, but so soon? They are still dealing with the separation!! Don't your kids feelings matter to him? I don't think you are over-reacting. I would bring it up the same as you did here. Do not hesitate to admit you are a bit jealous but make sure he understands that is NOT why you don't want her around the kids yet. I thought men waited awhile anyway?? Good Luck to you!

[reservoirdog1]

My perspective's somewhere in between. I moved out on November 1; TBXW had had one affair right before our wedding, another right after it and then another 3 years ago. We will be divorcing.

 

I'm currently dating another woman. She's met my kids (2.5 and 6) several times. They've seen us kiss (peck on the cheek-type). She hasn't slept over, and I wouldn't have that when the kids are with me anyway. While I have the right to see other women, I wouldn't do anything to confuse my kids any more than the separation already has, especially since I've only been dating this woman for about 3 weeks (though it's gone really well so far).

 

Anyway, the kids really like her and she likes them. My eldest has told me that she thinks I should marry this woman (a bit too early for that, obviously). I know that this bugs my TBXW (she asked me two days ago if we could try again but I declined).

 

So, my view on your situation is that having her sleep over when the kids are around is a bit questionable. If they actually do "move in" together, i.e. start sharing a residence, then that changes things, but he should probably get a bigger apartment in that case. But, once they move in together, that would, from my perspective, take away your right to interfere. That being said, for now, you might want to ask him in a polite way to recognize that his relationship with this woman may not last, and that gratuitous displays of affection in front of the kids may be very confusing for them. Don't let on that it bugs you; just couch it totally in terms of the kids.

 

Besides, bear in mind that if he remarries -- whether in a month, a year, or five years, or whatever -- somebody else is going to be playing "mommy" to your kids, at least when she's with them. You can't do anything about that other than accept it and do your damnedest to ensure, in constructive ways, that you are their "primary" mother.