grmlw Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Heres the skinny, I have been dating this girl for over 2 years and we are pretty serious. We get along great and just recently moved in together. We both new living together was something we wanted and gave it a shot. Everything is going great as far as sharing more items and most importantly are free time together. My only problem is with the actual pictues of her ex boyfriends or just people she was sexual involved with. I told her that when I met her I got ride of pictures of all of my past sexual partners and ex girlfriend because I did not deem them important to me, plus I did not want to make her uncomfortable by knowing that I keep a 100 pictures of my old girlfriend. However, she does keep pictures of her ex boyfriend and and random sexual partners and says she wants to keep them. I told her that it makes me uncomfortable and that I got ride of my pictures because i am devoted to her. She claims that she wants to keep these pictures because they remind her of good times. However, she broke off all of the relationships with these past men and still keeps their pictures. Should this bother me and should I be seeing something here or am I just trying to read too much into a picture like I am at an art exhibit or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hmm. Well, as they say on Clean Sweep --- throwing out the photographs will not erase the memory. Does she look at them? Are they framed and sitting out somewhere? If it really bothers you, talk to her again and ask her to get rid of them as a sign of commitment to you-she'll still have the memories. Is it the presence of the photos or that she's "remembering" happy times with others that is really bothering you? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 don't obsess over it and give her time. Soon enough, she'll probably place less and less importance on those photographs and eventually may just get rid of them because they don't mean anything to her. however, if you bug her about it, she's going to want to hang on to them not because those people have meaning to her, but because you're demanding that she get rid of them. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Maybe she could keep them, but not display them? Is that a bad compromise? Link to post Share on other sites
coldheart Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Stop dating her. find someone without 100 pictures of people they've been with. end it now before you get any more emotionally invested into the relationship. It's a lot easier to just find someone that you don't have these issues with. If she is attached to pictures or memmories of others, then so be it. You're not married so why stay in a relationship that does not completely make you happy. It only gets worse if you attempt to accept things that you really don't agree with. Why get any further into a relationship that already has issues. If it don't fit, don't force it. find a better size. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by coldheart You're not married so why stay in a relationship that does not completely make you happy. Because unhappiness is a vital and unavoidable component of the human experience? Because this is such a small, silly thing? Link to post Share on other sites
coldheart Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Because unhappiness is a vital and unavoidable component of the human experience? Because this is such a small, silly thing? Because small silly things evolve into huge not so silly things. Because unhappiness can be avoided if we pay attention to the signs we are presented with. Because dropping the soap in the shower is a small silly thing...Unless your in jail. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Because small silly things evolve into huge not so silly things. Through lack of communication they evolve, not through the simple small silly thing. It's ridiculous to leave a relationship because of one small issue, without making an effort to resolve the issue. You say that if a relationship doesn't make you 100% happy 100% of the time, then you should leave. Are you in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Wow, here's another topic that had been thrashed out sooooooo many times on LS. The best answer usually seems to be...she should keep them, but in a drawer. I'm still scratching my head over the "random sexual partners" part. Does that mean she picked their names out of a hat? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 both my exes had photos of their exes, 1st one kept a few in a box and showed me them, i didn't mind at all afterall they are memories for her, he even used to call her, i'd answer the phone and have a friendly small talk with him, a nice guy! most recent ex had a picture of her , her ex on the wall, her brother and his girlfriend were in it also so i didn't mind... she didn't tell me who it was but i could work it out i knew both of them wouldn't be going back you see i wouldn't expect any girlfriend of mine to dispose of photos of past loved ones and i wouldn't dispose of mine! i hate it when married people tear up their photos, i've seen it many times, it is so pathetic! how can they be married 20 years , have a family, be in love then HATE each other! terrible! Link to post Share on other sites
Author grmlw Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Thank you all for your replies. As an update I think I will take the path I usually travel less and not mention it to her anymore. The good thing is we didn't even get into a yelling match over the "my" issue. : ) I actully just sat and realized how good she has been to me and that I need to not bug out so easily. You all have enlightened me with your comments and I appreciate each of your insights. I will voice my opinion for you all some time and hopefully it will be a while before "I" have any other emotional mind farts! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
coldheart Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by coldheart Because small silly things evolve into huge not so silly things. Because unhappiness can be avoided if we pay attention to the signs we are presented with. Because dropping the soap in the shower is a small silly thing...Unless your in jail. Originally posted by dyermaker Through lack of communication they evolve, not through the simple small silly thing. It's ridiculous to leave a relationship because of one small issue, without making an effort to resolve the issue. You say that if a relationship doesn't make you 100% happy 100% of the time, then you should leave. Are you in a relationship? Yep, but don't mind me i'm bitter. Who am I to think that before you end up marrying someone that you're not completely happy with, that you may want to reevaluate what's really important to you? If you don't like the pictures and she won't get rid of them, then why continue to push the issue? People are always willing to compromise their feelings when they are in love. The problem is after the honeymoon, the things you compromised on can come back to haunt you. It's like the women who find their boyfriends porno stash but are in love so they think oh its o.k. After they've been married for a few years it's not so o.k. anymore, and they end up on this site saying that it's ruining their marriages. Just my opinion. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Porn doesn't ruin marriages, neither do pictures, or any other issues. It's the inability to work through these issues that ruin relationshps. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 What would you do if you saw pictures still laying around of your boyfriend/girlfriend practically having sex or having sex with an ex from years ago? Or a so called Stripper that looks like the ex? The other party wouldn't want to find anything like that lying around. Would you be able to handle it if you were just dating the guy? I doubt if I could handle it if he still had them lying around. Not hidden away. I would tell him to destroy them. If he had a problem with it. Then I would leave. It wouldn't matter to me if my boyfriend had photos of his ex's hidden away somewhere but he would have to burn them once we got engaged or married. My friend said that she was gonna burn the photos of all her ex's once she got married. She is engaged now. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 This is just more insecurity. What's wrong with having photos of the people in one's life? It's because you're scared that, in looking at the photos, he'll wish for the other person or remember good things about the other person. It's jealousy of a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. Recently, I went through the workbooks my ex and I filled out as part of our marriage prep course (yes, I'm a souvenir keeper - BIGTIME lol). They happened to be in a file that got dug out of a cabinet and left on top of a stack of files when I last moved. It was interesting to read them, but there wasn't so much as a twinge of missing him or the relationship. People have to get over their partners' pasts. You have no right to demand that someone destroy his memories of part of his life just because of your own fears and insecurity. It's just not fair. There is absolutely no reason you should be threatened by them!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Make her two cork boards. One entitled : Hall of Shame.........the other entitled : Winner. Ask her to post all the pics. As long as your the only pic on the winner board....the rest is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
coldheart Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme This is just more insecurity. What's wrong with having photos of the people in one's life? It's because you're scared that, in looking at the photos, he'll wish for the other person or remember good things about the other person. It's jealousy of a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. Recently, I went through the workbooks my ex and I filled out as part of our marriage prep course (yes, I'm a souvenir keeper - BIGTIME lol). They happened to be in a file that got dug out of a cabinet and left on top of a stack of files when I last moved. It was interesting to read them, but there wasn't so much as a twinge of missing him or the relationship. People have to get over their partners' pasts. You have no right to demand that someone destroy his memories of part of his life just because of your own fears and insecurity. It's just not fair. There is absolutely no reason you should be threatened by them!!!!!!! I don't understand why it's such a bad thing to put on the breaks when you come to a situation where you feel strongly about an issue and the other person disagrees with you. If you are dating and not married, the level of compromise should be a lot lower. There is no contract when you're dating. Marriage is a contract, where the parties have agreed to certain terms and have clear cut obligations to one another. You wouldn't discuss going into business with someone realizing that you have different philosophies about certain aspects of the business. If you inform them of you opinion and they disagree, then you conclude that it wouldn't be prudent for you to continue into a business relationship. It would be rediculouse for you to sign contracts and invest your time and money, hoping that in the end things work out. Differences that occur after the contract has been signed is a different story. This is the time for compromise, in order to keep the relationship and contract intact. "This is a small thing." "It's not that important." How many marriages end over "small things". Things that one person attempted to live with just to continue on in the relationship, but can now no longer stomach. You would't buy a new car with a scratch on it. Shouldn't your personal life demand the same level of satisfaction? I never said that you have to be 100% happy all of the time, but when you are seeking a potential mate, you shouldn't have to accept issues that make you feel uncomfortable enough to ask for other peoples opinions on. So what if it's insecure? Some people are insecure. If that's the case then you shouldn't be with someone who is going to do things that perpetuate your insecurity. Doesn't anybody believe in "better safe than sorry anymore"? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 man, if she's been with a hundred people, I would'nt be worried about the pictures Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts