Pippi Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Hi Everyone, I have a friend (NO, it's not me) who split up with her husband in Oct 08. Thay are now considering reconciling, her motive - the kids, she doesn't love him. She was dating someone that she cared about (he hadn't met the kids), but the kid thing was breaking her heart. What are the odds that they will succeed? My personal thoughts were, that she was doing it for the wrong reasons, but then again I don't have kids, so don't I understand that aspect. Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
jesslindy Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 0 chance. 0 chance. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 I think there is another reason she isn't telling you..... Money, the other person is dumping her, something. I think I read someplace that only 1% of separated couples get back & make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 My M is going through a reconciliation. My M has gotten stronger than it's ever been, but my wife and I have changed for the better. I know I have bad days, and I'm sure she does too. The reason ours is working so far, is we took steps together to get it this far. We are remorseful of our past, we are willing to change, we want our family back together, and most importantly we love each other. As for your friend, if the love doesn't come back into her relationship, it is doomed. Tell them to read books on the opposite sex, not just marriage books. I found a wealth of info in dating books, and what women think books. Hopefully if they do some research they will find a way to spark that chemical reaction called love. I would also remind them that the 2nd marriage failure rate is about 70%, much higher than the 50% 1rst marriage divorce rate. It seems that people continue the mistakes from their first into the second one. That to me says that they blame their ex spouse and do not look at what they did to kill the marriage. Wish them luck, they'll need it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 My M is going through a reconciliation. My M has gotten stronger than it's ever been, but my wife and I have changed for the better. I know I have bad days, and I'm sure she does too. The reason ours is working so far, is we took steps together to get it this far. We are remorseful of our past, we are willing to change, we want our family back together, and most importantly we love each other. As for your friend, if the love doesn't come back into her relationship, it is doomed. Tell them to read books on the opposite sex, not just marriage books. I found a wealth of info in dating books, and what women think books. Hopefully if they do some research they will find a way to spark that chemical reaction called love. I would also remind them that the 2nd marriage failure rate is about 70%, much higher than the 50% 1rst marriage divorce rate. It seems that people continue the mistakes from their first into the second one. That to me says that they blame their ex spouse and do not look at what they did to kill the marriage. Wish them luck, they'll need it..... A Most Outstanding and Excellent Post! Recommended reads: (Note HG = Highly Recommended) "You Just Don't Understand" About the differences in how men and women communicate HG "GenderSpeak" Another book about cross gender communication differences. HG "Light Her Fire"HG ~ for him "Light His Fire" HG ! for her. No cheating you don't read her book and she can't read yours. "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy" "Romance 101" HG!!!!! "1001 Ways To Be Romantic" "1001 More Ways To Be Romantic" "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love" "Seduction" "LifeMates" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" "The Two Minute Lover" "How To Satisfy A Woman Every time and Have Her Begging For More' "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" "Self Talk ~ How We talk to ourselves" "What Women Want" "How To Succeed With Women" "How To Read Person Like A Book" About body language with illustrations. 90+ % of how we communicate is through body language. "2001 To Do On A Date" "Sensuous Massage" "The Dating Blackbook" ~ e-book for men. "The AlphaMale" ~ e-book for men. "The Art of Attraction" ~ e-book for men. "DivorceBusting" And since personal finance goes hand in hand with personal relationships? That is to say there's no romance without finance I would encourage you to read Dave Ramsey's book "Complete Money Makeover" listen to his radio show, and visit his website. Ditto with Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" Both Dave and Mary preach about the same thing, but I like Mary's approach a little more as its more in depth and refined than Dave's. For all of you working Moms with children at home I would recommend "Once A Month Cooking" I use this being single. Shop one day, cook all day the next and I'm done for the rest of the month. Helps if you've got a freezer and a Food Saver vacuum sealer. But other than that? Its bidda boom ~ bidda ba! While reviewing the finances and the budget? You need to include a new category that's not included in most household budgets? Romance. At a minimum once every three months you and the spouse need to get away to the beach, (alone) to a B&B (Bread and Breakfast) at the very least to a nearby luxary Hotel with a spa. You really cannot afford not to. Its a hell of a lot cheaper than lawyers, IC, MC and divorce. With each successive marriage and divorce past the first one? The rate of divorc goes up around ten percent. Your one and single best hope and chance at sucess in marriage is with your first one and the one that you had children with. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 0 chance. 0 chance. Not so! It happens just enough that the rest of us idiots beleive in it enough that we can too make it happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Not so! It happens just enough that the rest of us idiots beleive in it enough that we can too make it happen! Ditto with marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Not so! It happens just enough that the rest of us idiots beleive in it enough that we can too make it happen! Gunny is dead on here. But...If the ONLY reason is for the kids then she will just not be happy. Reconciliation is a two way street and trying because of the kids is certainly noble BUT in the end it's not about the kids it's about two married people trying to rediscover each other as individuals. If your friends mindset is that she is only going back to the M for the kids then it is very very low. She needs to change her mindset. Honestly. If she could fall back in love with her H, the father of her children and have a loving family would that not be the best option. People do it but it must be done the right way. Seperated couples reuniting fail more often because there mindset of reuniting is wrong and they never do the hard but fulfilling work of figuring out where the M went of path and holding THEMSELVES accountable for their part in the demise of the relationship. If she goes in with the mind set that she will never be able to have feelings for her H then it is doomed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pippi Posted March 3, 2010 Author Share Posted March 3, 2010 Gunny, WOW, that is quite the reading list, I'll pass it along. Everyone, thanks for your candor. Link to post Share on other sites
liftedcj7on44s Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 The success rate is probably alot higher than most think. As with any other forum(especially an automotive forum) people only post when they have problem's. When things are working right most people dont post that they only post when things are not going right. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Well the term reconciliation is a relative term. For example I know of a couple that were married for fifteen years, went through a divorce, married others, got married again even, and then ten years after the initial divorce married one another again ~ and are still married today. Another couple got divorce, but they're up and coming 12 year dirt bike champ who had the propensity to make a professional career out of it, told them, "We'll y'all do what you have to do? But I need my Mama and Daddy in the same house everyday. So they got divorced, but continued to live together in the same house. They eventually started sleeping in the same bed again. They've never remarried, but they're together as a couple. And I've known scores of couples who just couldn't handle being married to one another. Live together? Got along just fine! Just couldn't handle being married? Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 A reconciliation is label that is put on something that has no real definition. I haven't read a single definition of the word that makes me say uhuh. In fact I think a M that is forever in the reconciliation stage is the best M you can have. Think about it, both are at their most receptive, both want the understanding of the other, both want to work things out, both are willing to sacrafice more than the other, both think of family first, both communicate more to each other, both are truly in love. I truly don't want mine to stop, I'm happy as hell right now. I have bad days like everyone, but it's nice to have the support from my family when I'm going through them, but it's a two way street, I help them too. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Thanks, Gunny, for the book list. I got "Light Her Fire" last night and started reading it, I plan to read it several times until I have it virtually memorized. It all seems like common sense--so, why didn't I do any of it in my marriage???? I also have "You just don't understand" and "Genderspeak" on the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Yes spriggig it really can be that simple as she outlines in her book "Light Her Fire" but we can make it more complexed than it need to be. Its the day to day of earning and making a living that we let get in the way of our personal and romantic lives. Living to work, instead of working to live? Even letting the chore of raising our children. And raising children should be a privilege, a delight and not a chore. In her follow book, "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy" she stresses the importance of just re-connecting everyday for the first thirty minutes of each day. No children and their problems, no radio, no tv, no newspaper, no checking out the mail, no discussing the bills, the family schedule but being totally focused on one another. Kiss for one minute! Once you've been together for awhile as a couple? That's a really, really long time! Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 "Neglect" is the reason she gives me for leaving. I needed concrete, actionable examples of what I should have been doing and the book "How to light her fire" provides that. In spite of the fact that my wife more than once told me (before she gave up) that "I spend all day with the kids, I just want some adult conversation" I didn't get it. Now I get it. Putting it into practice with her now is pointless, but I'll learn it like the back of my hand for the next time. Maybe it'll help. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 "Neglect" is the reason she gives me for leaving. I needed concrete, actionable examples of what I should have been doing and the book "How to light her fire" provides that. In spite of the fact that my wife more than once told me (before she gave up) that "I spend all day with the kids, I just want some adult conversation" I didn't get it. Now I get it. Putting it into practice with her now is pointless, but I'll learn it like the back of my hand for the next time. Maybe it'll help. What you and I know, that others here don't is that the book, "Light Her Fire" is a very small paperback book, easy to read, and can probally be read in under a day by your average person. I too got my hands on it too late. But in my next LTR relationship, just having read this one book, (back before the Internet and forums likes LS) it paid off in spades. In the back of the book she lists fifty things you can do spice of your love life. What this did for me was to getting me thinking creatively and such. My last LTR GF got along terrifically and only broke up over geographical reasons. Sidebar, for the ladies, the author, Ellen Kreidman also has written "Light His Fire" and "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?" Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Putting it into practice with her now is pointless, but I'll learn it like the back of my hand for the next time. Maybe it'll help. You said it, why not practice it on her, she probably deserves it........ Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 You said it, why not practice it on her, she probably deserves it........ Yes, she deserves it, but she won't have it from me--she gave up on me two years ago but didn't bother to mention it to me until two months ago. We can talk about our son and our shared money interests, that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Yes, she deserves it, but she won't have it from me--she gave up on me two years ago but didn't bother to mention it to me until two months ago. We can talk about our son and our shared money interests, that's it. It's great you realize that only 2 months in. The old marriage is dead and gone. Some takes eons to figure that part out, I;m glad to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 It's great you realize that only 2 months in. The old marriage is dead and gone. Some takes eons to figure that part out, I;m glad to hear it. I'm posting in a thread about Reconciliation Success Rates--you can imagine what I wanted to see here. LOL. The hope monster lives and breathes in my heart--in gleeful defiance of my continuing efforts to squash it. Yeah, I "figured it out", but a huge chunk of me doesn't want to accept it. Ugh! Normally, I love roller coasters! Reading here in LS about those who take "eons" is a large part of the reason I'm trying so hard to move on ASAP. Frightening stuff, that! But, thank you--I DO sincerely appreciate the support. Link to post Share on other sites
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