UCFKevin Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I'm sure this has been dealt with before, but I'm very curious about something. Why would you willingly be the other person in a relationship with someone who's married? I mean, if it's a fling and that's it, that's kinda rotten, but so be it. But if it's MORE than a fling, and you think they're going to leave their husband/wife for you, WHY? Why would you, in your right mind, think this? Does the thought of, "Well, he/she did it to their spouse, he/she'll probably do it to me," ever pop into your head? How can you trust someone who would cheat on their husband or wife and seriously think they'll be with you and only you someday? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Good question, and I bet you will get no useful answers, because a lot of people in this situation are pretty good at self-delusion. Some people - it seems to mainly be women - have been "sucked" into a relationship, sometimes for many months, before they find out the fella is married. And they they feel they are "hooked". But I'm with you. I always think of John Derek, and his 1-2-3-4 chain of lookalike wives, getting replaced about once every eight years with a younger version (via extramarital affair). I guess #4 figured "he's gonna die soon so he probably won't dump me!!" Link to post Share on other sites
2004resolutions Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 While true that some people get sucked in before knowing that their new love interest is married, I also think it's true that people get involved in these relationships for plenty of other reasons. Kevin, it's not as simple as you think it is. Not everyone thinks of it the way that you have. I happen to think that most of these relationships start off as 2 people who are 'lost' in some way and who have found each other during their time being lost. Neither one of them goes into it thinking in a sensible way "Ok, I'm going to get myself involved in a relationship that I shouldn't be in and we're going to work through the torture of adultery and we're going to work through separation and divorce and then we're going to live happily ever after. And I feel great about it." What I am explaining has more to do with the more entangled affair that involves emotions moreso that just sex. As for the plain sex affairs, I truly do not understand them. But as for the emotional affairs... Often times, the married person who strays and gets emotionally involved with someone is in that place because things have gone wrong with his/her marriage. I'm not saying that it's right to deal with the problems by finding another person. But, it does happen. In very much the same way that a person in a relationship will find themselves cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend. Of course it is not the proper way to handle things, but it does - unforunately - happen. As for the other woman/man, it could be something as 'simple' as self-esteem issue that leads them to get involved with a married person without realizing how unfair it is to them. Often times people with self-esteem issues have a very difficult time believing deep down that they are good enough for anything, let alone for a good, real, true, honest, sincere loving relationship. It's quite simple for the low self-esteem person to come across the affections of a married woman/man and to fall for him/her. It's quite simple for the low self-esteem person to believe that the situation experienced when dealing with being with a married person is acceptable. To an extent, it's what they believe that they deserve. This married person loves them, which is a great feeling for the person with low self-esteem. Regardless of how little the married person may be available or may be able to commit to the 'relationship'. This married person has issues to deal with regarding his/her failing marriage, and it's so sad for the married person to deal with it, and the other man/woman feels sorry for the married person and feels that he/she should be as supportive of the married person as they can be, even if it means settling for much less than what would be reasonable to someone like you (Kevin). They begin to build a friendship, a relationship, etc... And unless either one of them wakes up, they both believe that the relationship is built on solid ground and begin to believe that things could work out for them. There are other reasons that put single people in this situation - the other man/woman could be in a really bad relationship at the time. The other man/woman could be dealing with other issues in their lives that are bringing them down and the love of anyone could make them feel good. If someone is afraid of intimacy, it's often times easy to open up initally to a married person because they are 'off limits' and furthermore less scary to the single person. Problem is, the single person opens up to the married person and then ends up 'falling in love' with him/her. I could go on for hours with examples... The bottom line is that I don't believe that anyone goes into a relationship with a married person thinking terribly sensibly about it. There is - there HAS to be - something that prevents them from seeing things as they really truly are. So Kevin - it's not as easy as you think it is. God bless you for sounding like you'd never get involved with anyone who isn't available to you. But if you scroll through the posts here and in other forums, you'll see that everyone in this world has issues. Our issues happen to lead us down different roads. It isn't until we're awakened to our issues, our thoughts, ourselves that we're able to head down a road that will be meaningful, true, and fulfilling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCFKevin Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Whoa...I meant no offense...good God... Link to post Share on other sites
sharon Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 While I understand your query ... no one .. well not me at least set out with the intent on being the other woman. Nor do we ever choose who we fall in love with do we? While it's easy to judge .. it's not so easy to try to understand all that is going on in a relationship. I'll grant you there are some snakes or dogs .. and some people who are happy being the other person. But overall, I think most people become the other person not intentionally. Hope that helps your question. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I think it's a GREAT question Kevin and I agree with what Sole said: because a lot of people in this situation are pretty good at self-delusion. However, it's the same kind of delusion which people have who are trying to get back the person who dumped them....with the twist being....they are still saying they love and want you. So you DON'T have them....but you DO. It's all very confusing and asinine. It's as though your head and heart have totally lost communication with each other. Your in some "Love Limbo Land of the Damned". As I've posted frequently, a person who can lie to two people....neither loves nor respects either one of them. I'm not talking your "we had a sexual affair"end of story....I'm talking about those "you are my soul mate and I'm getting a divorce" AssClown lies. A person who does this is mean, cruel and self serving. Unfortunately, they always find someone to fall for it. A good Con-artist always believes their on 'amoral' lies. They have no guilt, remorse or care of who they plow down on their F*CKTARD journey thru life. You are right. They will never be faithful to ANYONE. They aren't even capable to being faithful to their own self respect. They ARE good at it though.....you'll never find a more pathetic, woe to me victim....than one of these cakemen. The only person more miserable than their 'other women' is their wives who are stuck with them. (Same is true for woman who 'love' two men) That's just CRAP. I'm not speaking from judgment.....but from experience. PS: My personal quote on LS is dedicated to people who are in this type of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCFKevin Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Wonderful answer, Arabess. Funny to see someone else use the word "f*cktard" though! Link to post Share on other sites
AMN819 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 One sentence will explain it "Love is Blind". I have been there before and to be honest, you are so in love and just believe that he loves you and only you. You feel BAD about the fact that he has to deal with a crappy marriage. AND you feel GUILTY that you are being a mistress. But, you're in love and don't think about it. It's hard! I was always the first to say "only a h*e would mess with someone's husband/boyfriend"..until I got into that situation...NOW I know I wouldn't do it again and why! Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyStar Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 "Never say Never" Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 We were casual friends who flirted. He broke up with his girl. I went out a couple times. Girl talked him into going back with her, but he hated her, and kept telling me he was going to end it. I believed him. I stayed "Friends" but the attraction was pretty great. We ended up giving into the temptation....kept telling ourselves we could just be friends. Gave into temptation again. Kept telling ourselves we could just be friends. Gave into temptation again. Gave him ultimatum: her or me. He chose her. Tried to live without him, but missed him. Gave into temptation again. He kept promising to dump her. Found out he was actually ENGAGED to her, and had lied to protect me. Forgave him...he kept promising to dump her. Gave into temptation again. He finally confesses that he's going to stay with her, because "His mom wants him to." Got really angry at him for stringing me along. Quit calling him, and found someone amazing. If they keep saying they are going to leave the person they are with, and you want to believe them, it's hard not to just move on. P.S. He has been married to her for 6 months, and they are filing for divorce. THE END Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Having been the other guy, I can say this for sure for me: In relationships, whether real or cheating, I'm always hyperfocused on the girl's emotions, and not always on her circumstances...I'm too much of a dreamer and a romantic and an idealist, and that is reflected in the way that I approach relationships. This means that while I can mentally intellectualise the fact that she is involved, I tend to ignore it, because my emotions don't give a hoot... With this girl, her "other life" was just a peripheral thing, like have to go to the bathroom, especially because it (her "other life") happened away from work (this girl is a collegue), so it was easy to ignore, and easy to imagine her as being mine alone.... The other boyfriend (fiancee now) was just background noise.... Link to post Share on other sites
DarlingNicky Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Since we've been together she was his girlfriend,fiance,and now wife.It will never last.I tried to tell him he wasn't ready for marriage AT ALL but after it was too late.I am mad at getting myself in this , but I really thought I could keep my feelings out of it and it would only be a one nighter but it's been a year and a half now.I need out of this crap because it is soooo unhealthy.No one knows what it's like until they are in the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCFKevin Posted January 29, 2004 Author Share Posted January 29, 2004 Gimme a call if you're wanting a grind, Darling Nikky... Link to post Share on other sites
DarlingNicky Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 You know the song..Very good! I'll call you next time I'm in Orlando Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Nemo Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 I think the (deluded) logic goes something like this: "He or she is unhappy with his or her mate and that's why he or she is willing to stray. He or she would be happy with me so he or she won't stray if we eventually get together." Either that logic or the person just doesn't even bother thinking that far ahead. I think many times the fear that their cheating mate will cheat on them comes up only after the new couple gets together. Link to post Share on other sites
Roxie603 Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Being the other person in a relationship is not always as simple as the act. There’s a lot going on with their emotions and feelings. I’m sure you would hear every excuse in the book why they “strayed” from.... you weren’t there for me... to.... I was lonely... or even..... it wasn’t meant to be taken as far as it was. To me, the bottom line is, who ever is doing the cheating is a very selfish person and only thinks of self gratifications... and like someone else said, self esteem has a big part in it. The trill of doing something “bad” and “wrong” and getting away with it. The list is endless I’m sure… I was in a very serious relationship were he cheated and it hurt like hell. That is a scare that I will never forget. I’ve had to re-learn how to trust and that took a very long time. And once a cheater always a cheater…I don’t know if I agree with that. I’d like to believe that people, all people can grow up at some point in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
dkopp Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin But if it's MORE than a fling, and you think they're going to leave their husband/wife for you, WHY? Why would you, in your right mind, think this? Does the thought of, "Well, he/she did it to their spouse, he/she'll probably do it to me," ever pop into your head? Kevin, At the risk of repeating what some of the others have already so astutely addressed to your question, I'd like to chime in on my experience. Most people who enter into affairs do not do so intentionally or with a well-thought out road map. They find themselves there because life has put them in a bad place filled with vulnerabilities and sadness. A lot of otherwise SMART women, like myself, find themselves drawn to a man who intentionally or unintentionally feed upon these vulnerabilities for their own gain. The woman gets sucked in and feels all of these glorious feelings that she didn't even know existed. She is dying of thirst and is given a HUGE drink of water that she's waited her whole life for. By this time it's too late - she's hooked (not very unlike a drug addict). To answer your question of "Well, he/she did it to their spouse, he/she'll probably do it to me," ever pop into your head? The answer is yes, the thought NEVER LEAVES the woman's mind but unfortunately it is secondary to the situation as in most cases she is being fed so many lies that she is able to suppress it into the back of her mind. I believe your question was innocent enough but please realize that the women who find themselves in these positions for the most part are not malicious, hateful, stupid people but rather unfortunate, unfulfilled people who have found themselves in over their heads. I hope this helps answer your question. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 I cannot understand why anyone would start a relationship with a married man in the first place and if you were dating him and then found out "why you would stay with a man who lied to you about his being married"? It is called morality and it seems to be sorely lacking these days. It is selfish gratification and the inability to consider the feelings of others. I was infatuated with the sexiest married man when I was about twenty, I looked from afar and kept my distance. I kept my self respect intact. no bouncing on the bedsprings for this here bunny The Faithfulwife Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 TheFaithfulWife, Some women are emotionally wired this way, and morals plays a minute part in it. There are a LOT of women who are attracted to unavailable men, and will lose interest in the available ones. I'm not excusing it, but I think that developmental environments/issues play a lot bigger role than callous selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
jazzmine Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Interesting reading all of these accounts. I've been the "other woman" involved with a married man for the past 1 1/2 years. Only now do I see clearly what I chose not to see before. We met when I was unhappy with a boyfriend live-in situation, where there were issues with our sex life and they didn't seem to be improving. He had a girlfriend, and they were breaking up. We became friends, and started hanging out and sharing our personal stories. We met initially because we shared a common hobby, and were in the same place at the same time about once a week. There was an instant attraction, so it wasn't hard to become further involved. (we are both in our late 40's). Then I found out he was actually married, and having an affair with another woman. But of course, as I'm sure all these guys say, they are unhappily married, and are going to leave their wives. I should have taken off running right then. He told me he had no sex life with his wife, they shared nothing in common, he'd been going out for the past 20 years of their marriage to find things to do because she never wanted to go anywhere. He said she can't stand to kiss or be touched, never cleans or cooks, and just likes to sit and read the newspaper, then sleep 12 hours every day. I thought no wonder he's out trying to meet people! We had such a great time together - ALWAYS -- we have a lot in common, and were both very attracted to one another in all ways. I really believed at this time we would end up being together. Obviously things weren't good at home if he was available to spend so much time with me... After seeing each other for a few months, I insisted we either split up or move from our significant others and start our life together. I said very clearly I did not want to continue an "affair" and didn't like hiding or lying to people about our relationship. He said he agreed. We were going to start making plans to separate and be together. Just after this, I found out I had breast cancer. I was going to need major reconstructive surgery, and go through chemo. Everyone I knew, including my doctors told me to stay put and get through that. Don't even think about moving or being without a support person. So he and I decided it would be best for me to stay there and get through my ordeal, and in the meantime he would square things away at home (having the necessary talks, splitting assets, getting the house ready for sale, talking to his kids, etc...(kids are grown). All of this was going to take about 6-7 months to get through. I told the guy I was living with then that I'd be moving out after my treatment, so there was no illusion to him that I was staying for any other reason than because I needed the help. Fortunately, he wanted me to stay so he could help me. He's a decent guy, and we are still good friends now. Anyway, I assumed the MM was doing the same thing - getting his affairs in order. That's what he told me. He saw me every day, so of course I believed him. We were always together - either on the phone or meeting after work or going out at night. Everyone, including my family and friends knew him as my boyfriend. Let me jump ahead now. When it came time to actually "put your money where your mouth is," and move out with me, he started stalling. The list of excuses why he couldn't move THEN was endless. So we went on from that point, day by day, week by week, month by month, putting things off while he had to have one more conversation or take care of one more thing... I broke off with him so many times saying if you are not doing this, then we are over, and don't call me unless you are serious. During this time too his wife found out about us. I think it was intentional on his part -- he left e-mails on his computer with love messages to me, and more recently, left a letter in a folder in plain sight at his house. Every time I tried to break things off, he either called, or showed up at my house, begging me not to break off -- crying. He promised me on a daily basis that he was working through things, having conversations with her to leave. Sadly, I know a lot of that is true. I do think if she had not given him any struggle, he would have left. But things really changed when she found out about me -- it turned into a tug-of-war. The conversations about leaving he'd have with her would result in him feeling terribly guilty for walking out on her without at least trying to see if they could work things out one more time, or how could he break his children's hearts, etc. All of the sudden she wants to become the woman he wants. She doesn't care what he's done wrong - she is saying DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!! Not to mention the issues of money and who gets what..... I'm not taking up for him at this point, because he has really hurt me. But what I've found out is that he still loves her to some degree or at least feels too guilty to just walk out. I really wish he had told me that long ago. He always gave me the impression that there was nothing there at home other than a sense of obligation, but no real love or interest. He recently told me it would be easier if his wife would die then it would be for him to crush her and walk out! He doesn't want to be the bad guy. What an understatement. In the entire time I've had this relationship with him, I've had cancer, treatment, moved from my boyfriend's house, bought my OWN house, and he STILL isn't living with me. It sounds like I must be pretty dense, I'm sure. But this guy deserves an academy award for best con-artist in a real life situation. I'm not sure if he's a pathological liar and a sick person, or if he knows he's causing this kind of pain and doesn't care. I guess at this stage I'm realizing all the time he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, he was holding on to something with her too, but just didn't bother to tell me that part. I have never in my life met someone who could deceive me like this. How he could be so convincing when with me that he was absolutely leaving and coming with me. He'd be at my house saying he couldn't live with out me, and he was so in love with me, and he knew he wanted to leave her and be with me. He'd leave saying today was the day -- he was going home to end things with her. He even went as far as having boxes packed. He told her he was in love with me and was planning to move with me on a daily basis. So, this is a long story, but I'm telling it because I know this is happening to other women, too. And probably men as well. I've never before been involved with a married man, and I certainly will NEVER do it again. I was foolish to believe him - now I see it clearly. But he was really convincing, and I wanted to be with him. The whole thing almost became like an obsession by the end -- like I've come this far -- I can't quit now! Then one day you realize how sick you've become. It's a lot of pain. What really was the end for me is I now have a place for him to move to, his wife knows about us, and he's had plenty of time to square things up with her, so there are no more excuses for not leaving. But the reality is -- he hasn't left her yet. He is still trying to write to me and see me - keep me on the line, but for me it's over. It's obvious - COMPLETELY obvious now that he wants his cake and eat it too...if he had any interest in fixing things with her, then why is he still trying to see me? And if he doesn't want to fix things with her, then why not move in with me? Now I know he's just a liar and a coward. The only way I'd ever see him again is if he had left her, and then I'd really have to think about why I'd want to be with anyone who has caused me so much pain. Hope this helps someone else. I'm 46, and have dated and been married, thought I was pretty smart, but I have never come across someone this slick. Don't get involved with a married man. EVER. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeovexperience Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I never intended to be the other woman and am still not but fear my ex is trying to get me into that situation. He split with her before meeting me and while still living with her, moved in with me then moved out to live with her again. That was 8 weeks ago. A few days ago he phones in the middle of the night (with her asleep in the next room probably) saying that he's miserable, calling me honey and saying how happy he was with me. He wants to meet. I say no. Then I relent - there are things I want to say to him like don't call me again - and agree to meet him today. Ever since I've been thinking about the 'other woman' thing alot. It's not something I can do. I loved him before all this happened and thought he felt the same about me but it's taught me he doesn't. I would do anything for someone I was in love with, and did for him. If I made the decision not to be with them, I would want them to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Because I LOVED them. I would not keep messing with their heads and I would not lure them into my screwed up world with more promises that surely even I couldn't believe. I would not expect them to accept second place in my life; I would want more for them. For me, being the other woman (or even being the only woman again after everything that's happened) is being cheated. Cheated out of real love. Cheated out of an absolute trust in and respect for my lover. Cheated out of what I deserve for me. The other woman's capacity to give love to others is sometimes unending, her capacity to love herself is underdeveloped. Maybe that's what gets people into these situations... Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by sharon .....Nor do we ever choose who we fall in love with do we? Of COURSE people "choose" to fall in love. I don't even like the phrase "fall in love" because it denotes people helplessly and without any control or free will, coming to love someone. That's a crock. Love is a choice you actively make and follow through on. "falling in love" sounds like it was just some unavoidable occurence. Nope. You don't just start to love someone "at first sight" (that aint true love), or overnight, or after talking with them a couple of times...but I think a lot of people don't really understand what true love really is. Making the choice to love someone is at the end of a continuum. There's a process that takes place before you reach "love." And during that process, there are boundaries that are in place (the person is married, already in a relationship, engaged, etc)....and those boundaries should be enough to trigger the common sense that continuing to spend time with and get to know that "unavailable" person is wrong and futile. My neighbor's husband seems like a great guy. When we're both outside working on our yards, we chit chat about the neighborhood, yard stuff, building a fence, etc. He's a great looking guy, and he's very generous and kind. He's witty, intelligent and instead of spending his free time out at the bar getting loaded with the boys, he spends it with his wife, working around the house or working in the yard. If he wasn't MARRIED, he'd be a great catch, and someone I'd definitely want to get to know better. But see, I respect the fact that he's married, and I respect his wife (a fellow woman) and I respect myself. He'd likely be a great match for me, but I don't even entertain the fantasy because he's someone's husband and that is forbidden territory. Yes, people CAN help who they fall in love with...because it's a conscious choice to love someone and anyone who thinks otherwise is highly deluded. Link to post Share on other sites
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