She thinks I only want what I can't have

[AllHopeRemains]

Over the past 6 months, I have gotten to know this girl and she has changed my life, changed me as a person. I have fallen deeply in love with her, and she likes me. But there is a very large problem; she thinks guys only want what they can't have. She is afraid that she will get hurt, so she built a wall. She thinks that if we went out, I would then "have her" and lose interest... I can't explain how STUPID this idea is. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL. It's largely my fault. In the beginning of our story, it was between her, and girl B. Girl B didn't like me, but the girl I love did. I didn't know I loved her then. Girl B flirted with me and sucked me in, and I basically chose girl B over her. She built that wall. Then I realized that I was in love with her, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. Have I hurt her so much that she can never believe that I love her? I have done everything in my power to try to show her I love her, but she still thinks that if she lets her wall down that I will lose interest and she will get hurt. Any advice????

[linwood]

You can`t in any way convince her or talk her out of the way she thinks.

 

Let her have her wall.

You built it after all.

 

What you can do is slowly chip away at that wall by showing her every day that she is what you want.

 

If you`re sincere and she does want you, in time the wall will crumble little by little.

 

If she really wants you and you show her that she`s all you need and want every day the wall can`t stand.

 

It just takes time.

 

Good luck.

[vanilla87]

I'm a girl with a wall up and I'll give you advice on how to handle that:

 

- First off, don't try and force anything. She may start to feel weird if you feel the need to convince her all the time.

 

- Secondly, you have to reinforce trust with this girl in non-verbal ways, but not smother her. Try being her safe ride home when she has been drinking or offering to help her out when she is too busy, with say going to pic up her dry cleaning. Small things like that could make her see you as boyfriend potential again. It's the little things that make a difference.

 

- Third, you've got to remember that you choose some girl over her and she still feels hurt by that. It basically was a non-verbal way of saying that other girl is 10x's better then her and has something that she doesn't that you like more. This makes her feel inadequate as a female. Now you've got to try and build up her confidence towards you. When you make her feel like a million dollars and not in a cheesy way either, she may slowly over time change her mind.

 

- And lastly, you have to be patient with her. It could takes days, weeks, months, or even years before she changes her mind. Don't get your hopes up too high, but don't set them down too low. Just know that you could feel like a sitting duck in a big pond the size of an ocean waiting for her.

 

I can say that with my own experience, it really takes it toll. I bet you she got upset, then got mad, then did all the other things that feel almost like a "break-up", without having to date that person. So basically all you can do is be her friend (aka-platonic) for the time being. You just have to learn how to hold back how you feel about her till you get the green light.

 

But your best bet is to go mingle in the mean time, but don't get too involved with other girls or let your friend know all the details or information about this, cause it could do worse, depending on what she has been through before she met you...

[AllHopeRemains]

I already show her that I am there for her in every way I can without smothering her. I've been building trust slowwllyyyy for months. Boyfriend potential? She calls me daily and we talk on the phone. Sometimes we talk for hours. We go hang out and do stuff as friends all the time. we smile when we see each other.

 

That other girl was NOT 10x's better than her. I had a crush on girl B and when this girl came into my life I made the mistake of thinking that what I felt for her was only because things werent going well with girl B. I thought maybe I just felt that way towards her for some non-genuine reason. I tell her sincerely every now and then how truly amazing she is.

 

I am very patient with her. I am patient and understanding and am very quick to forgive. I feel like god may have put her in my life for a reason. She taught me everything that I value, and makes me feel so happy. I have never wanted to make a person happy as badly as I do now with her in my life. I used to be extremely selfish and now I find making sacrifices for people, especially her to be my pleasure.

 

I don't know how much to "hold back" right now. What is allowed at this stage? Should I be flirting? Should I be talking to her daily on the phone? Should I give her compliments? It seems like Im already holding back as much as I can. Ive never wanted to tell someone how beautiful they are or kiss them in my life!

 

I am NOT mingling. She decided that it's best not to date in high school thanks to the "guys only want what they can't have" theory. I will respect this decision and wait for her if that's what she wants, but I'm hoping I can somehow show her that I truly am in love with her before then. I only have one year left before college. There is no way I would "mingle" with anyone else. I have no interest in anyone else. And it would hurt her. I just want her back.

 

I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

[AllHopeRemains]

anyone have any advice??

[vanilla87]

I already show her that I am there for her in every way I can without smothering her. I've been building trust slowwllyyyy for months. Boyfriend potential? She calls me daily and we talk on the phone. Sometimes we talk for hours. We go hang out and do stuff as friends all the time. we smile when we see each other.

 

And that doesn't always mean anything. I do that with guy friends I'm close with. I hangout with them, chat all the time, and smile when we see each other too. I don't talk to them daily, but I do talk to them more on occasion when I see them only as a friend and nothing more. Who knows maybe she does see you differently then as a friend, don't get your hopes up, but don't disregard the option either... just don't put all your eggs into one basket...

 

That other girl was NOT 10x's better than her. I had a crush on girl B and when this girl came into my life I made the mistake of thinking that what I felt for her was only because things werent going well with girl B. I thought maybe I just felt that way towards her for some non-genuine reason. I tell her sincerely every now and then how truly amazing she is.

 

Well see that's the thing, you assumed it wasn't going well. Maybe she is timid when she expresses how she feels towards a guy. Or maybe in the past when she has, she got shot down and that made her scared to tell a guy she "likes" him as more than a friend. There could be 100 other reasons, but I bet you she figured you led her on in some way and now isn't sure about you. So she keeps you at arms length and she has good reason to right now.

 

I am very patient with her. I am patient and understanding and am very quick to forgive. I feel like god may have put her in my life for a reason. She taught me everything that I value, and makes me feel so happy. I have never wanted to make a person happy as badly as I do now with her in my life. I used to be extremely selfish and now I find making sacrifices for people, especially her to be my pleasure.

 

Well then that should tell you something about the journey to get where you are right now. Truth be told, maybe to become the guy you are currently, you had to go out with that last girl and go through everything. Sometimes the worst thing for you, can make you into the best version of yourself without even realizing it...

 

I don't know how much to "hold back" right now. What is allowed at this stage? Should I be flirting? Should I be talking to her daily on the phone? Should I give her compliments? It seems like Im already holding back as much as I can. Ive never wanted to tell someone how beautiful they are or kiss them in my life!

 

That's for you to decide. Everyone is different in what they can handle emotionally with someone. She could be going through a lot right now and that could play into how she reacts to things with you. Or she could be free as a bird and that could mean she may or may not noticed a little too much in how you treat her all the time. the best thing you can do right now is to change nothing yet... I can tell she may have friend-zoned you a bit.

 

I am NOT mingling. She decided that it's best not to date in high school thanks to the "guys only want what they can't have" theory. I will respect this decision and wait for her if that's what she wants, but I'm hoping I can somehow show her that I truly am in love with her before then. I only have one year left before college. There is no way I would "mingle" with anyone else. I have no interest in anyone else. And it would hurt her. I just want her back.

 

Ahh no wonder you both act the way you do, your in high school haha. No offense but there are plenty of fish out there in the sea and if you are going to go to college far away from this girl, then don't plan on her waiting for you too much. All I can say is that, I'm 22 and I have experience with witnessing from many friends and cousins situations you've been in. Right now all you can do is try and be her friend, someone she can depend on. Then who knows, maybe one day when your both done with college, you can be more... I think you both have a lot to learn still and trust me, go experience life and with this girl, just be friends, you'll thank yourself someday for this...

 

I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

- not yet... just wait till you get to college kid, you may find something better or not... but your are young still... so don't give up hope just yet for what's out there...

[AllHopeRemains]

She is very timid as far as talking about how she feels. She is going through a lot right now. She likes me, she has told me, but still going for the "waiting until after highschool thing." I talked to a friend of hers about this, and the friend thinks she is scared of losing me. Like letting me in, and losing me kinda like she did before. And I think the only way to show her that I'm here to stay is by waiting for her until after highschool. Other than not being able to be "with" her, things are going pretty good. She made up her mind that she's waiting until after highschool and that's not going to change.

 

But she has been a tad distant lately... I'll text her and not get a reply and then get a text on my phone and it's her tweet, from her phone. So I know she saw the text... To avoid drama for her sake I don't bring it up. I just miss her being so close. She feels so far away when we text and we don't talk on the phone as much. When we hang out it's totally different. She's really close to me and talks to me and pays a lot of attention to me and I love it. But then it's right back to the distant-feeling texting when we're apart.

 

It's not that she's distant really, it's that she's distant to ME but not really any of her friends. I don't understand why she is pulling away or losing interest as far as texting/calling but totally interested when we hang out...

She used to make me feel so special whether it was texting calling or hanging out. Now it's only when we hang out, and we rarely get to because our schedules clash right now.

 

Why is she doing this? I know her schedule isn't interfering with it. She makes no effort to text me back or call and stuff. Well, I shouldn't say no effort. She does call and text me but compared to how it's been, she is SO much more distant/uninterested. :\

[AllHopeRemains]

if anyone has an idea as to why she is doing this it would really help..